Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Blog

I have started a new blog as a continuation of this one.  It's called I Heart My Baby Daddy.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Men Suck

I'm sitting here watching Spread. I guess I need to see this movie, but I feel like I'm every woman Ashton Koucher is playing. We trust men, we let them have our hearts, we give them every bit of us, we are their friends and lovers and even though they treat us like shit and we want to leave them, we can't. Something about them. Neptune put me through the same thing. I knew I was setting myself up for failure. I mean he just got out of a relationship, he constantly said he wanted to be friends only, until he got in trouble. Then suddenly he needed me to be his girl. He needed my love and my affection and my money. We were a couple.

Everything I did for him, I did because I loved him. He was my man. And even though I wanted to believe he really wanted me, I knew in the back of my mind that it was all calculated. And now that his trouble is almost over and he's gotten all the money he needs, I'm no longer needed. But the funny part is he thinks I'm still supposed to do all those little things for him because we're friends. But he doesn't know I don't do those things for friends. Wait, he did know, that's why we had to be together right? What he doesn't know is that I move on. I turn off like a switch. I've always been that way and I feel bad about it, but I have to inorder to protect myself and protect my heart. I just have to try not to get myself in trouble this time. I have to avoid going crazy and fucking every guy that wants me, like I did with Papi Chulo.

I've started talking to Skittles again. He would kill me if he knew I started my blog again. When my fiancee and I first broke up I wanted to contact him, but I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. I knew I wanted to see other men and that there was a possibility I would get involved with someone. I didn't want to hook and then throw him back, like I did when I met my fiancee. That wouldn't be fair. So I waited, until I felt the time was right. And it is right now.

Men suck in general, but I at least should be with someone who wants to be with me. Someone who recognizes what a good woman I am or potentially can be with the right man. A man that will take care of me and who has my best interest at heart. Not someone who's selfish.

Ashton's Character also reminds me of this guy I'll call Flight. Me and Flight met in elementary school. He used to pick on me all the time, but in 5th grade he was my boyfriend for like a week. I was obsessed with him. We kept in touch through high school and dated for a month then. But when he graduated a year before me and went into the Navy, I got a boyfriend. He wrote me from boot camp and I basically let him know I was over him. I saw him at a party once in college and then I found his number in the white pages my senior year. He told me he was happily married and I just let him go. I was looking for a way out of the relationship with the Ex I hate

But in 2009 I bumped into Flight at Walmart when I was with my fiancee. I couldn't believe my eyes. The guy I spent almost half my life obsessing over was finally back. We reconnected on facebook and started seeing eachother. He gave me the old "I'm not looking for a girlfriend" line and even though I knew I was setting myself up I kept seeing him and thinking that maybe he'd change his mind. But the truth is he just didn't want me to be his girlfriend. He's had two girlfriends since then. Both white. One fat and the other young and dumb. I'm convinced he uses women and he looks for ones that are insecure or immature, because he can get the most out of them. Maybe he felt bad using me. Maybe he had some kind of respect for me and didn't want to hurt me. That's what I tell myself. At least I finally got to make love to Flight after all those years of dreaming about it.

Well Ashton ends up alone at the end. The girl he finally fell in love with choses another man so she can be financially secure. So now i don't feel so bad about the movie. But it did open my eyes a bit.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Choosing Love vs Falling in Love

When Skittles and I were talking about being together, he said to me you have to be with someone who wants to be with you. He knew about other men I was talking to. He asked me if any of them wanted me to be their woman. I said no. But why was I wasting my time with the others.

He was right. No use putting yourself out there for someone who only wants you as a cutty buddy or friend. Neptune said we'd be friends for life. Just friends. That's it. I guess I have no choice but to be satisfied with that. His ex wants his loving again. I guess she just uses him for sex, but he obliges. Is he doing the same to me? I'm not sure I have a reason to think otherwise. It's a cruel confusing fucked up world. You feel one thing, but it's not always reality. I guess our perception can deceive us.

Neptune said love is a rare thing to find. It really is. What are the odds of two people feeling the same way, at the same time, wanting the same things, in the same place, for the same reasons, and willing to pursue it all together. So many factors affect it. Is that what I found with my ex? Sometimes I felft like I was just making a choice for love. I could never say that I was in love with him. I wasn't in love. I just loved him and I can love him again, but I don't think I'll ever have that feeling like looking at him and not wanting anyone or anything else. I was satisfied and content. I just assumed I could never fall in love again. I thought I'd missed my chance to have that type of love. I'd just have to settle for what I had. It wasn't so bad.

I know exactly when I made the choice to love him. It was our first Valentine's day. When he first said he loved me. He made my Valentine's so special. So many beautiful gifts and a diamond necklace. No one had ever done that for me before. He loved me and I decided that he was worthy of my love too. It was like being courted and choosing a suitor. Not like falling in love. But meeting Neptune changed everything. It made me believe in my heart again. Even though he doesn't feel the same way I do, at least I know I'm capable of it. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to trust that I can find that rare thing again, like I had with the ex I was with for 4 years, or will I settle for the choice of love.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Passion

So my ex-fiancee is really tripping right now. I am really just going to have to cut him off. He did this type of stuff during our relationship. Today he told me he hated me because I revealed to him that I was living with a man. But right now he's texting that he loves me. When we were together he would mope around for days. I'd ask him what's wrong. He'd put on a big cheshire smile and tell me he was fine. Then suddenly he'd blow up at me about something and try to break up with me. "You don't really want me. I'm tired of being unhappy. Just leave me and let me be happy. I don't need someone like you in my life." This would happen every few weeks. He was insecure. Always felt I was cheating. I wasn't faithful in the beginning stages of our relationship, but after he put that ring on my finger I stayed true to him. And I did everything reasonable to show it. But it wasn't enough for him.

He would act funny everytime I went out with my best girlfriend. When I would come home after dinner with her I would get the "fake" treatment, complete with cheshire smile and high pitched overly enthusiastic tone. "I'm glad you went out with your girlfriend. You need to spend time with your girl." But I could tell he was jealous. I could tell he thought she would turn me away from him. I could almost see the thoughts going thru his head and soon we'd end up arguing about it. He would tell me I acted differently when I went out with her. I would want to know how, but he could never answer. I'd tell him about his actions and of course he'd deny. But I put up with it.

Why did I put up with his whiny voice, and his early morning moaning sessions, his grabby unexperience hands, his awkward tongue kissing, his frequent "fake" treatments, his fits...?

He'd done so much for me. I guess I felt I was being smart. I mean I'd left the man I probably should have married. The guy I was in Holiness with. He's got a great job now, making good money, with a side gig filming a local tv show, vacationing in the Dominican Republic...I was foolish then. But I was gonna be smart with this one. I was gonna go all the way. Cause I didn't want to miss out again. I was afraid I'd miss out again.

Now that we are not together and he's acting like an idiot, I can see more clearly that I wasn't missing out. And that it's okay to move on. I don't have to be scared of the future, because I don't know and can't guess what's in store. I can only trust God and live day to day finding some way to please Him.

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune...I really like him alot. Sometimes I just look at him and think to myself "Why don't we just fall in love?", like that Amerie song. I love the way he looks at me. He says so much to me with his eyes. He's a sweet guy, ambitious, passionate, loving, caring, thoughtful, funny, a good listener, good advice giver. Kissing him, touching him...it all feels so right. I suppose we both are going through alot emotionally with our ex's and other crap happening in our lives, if we tried to make something out of this we'd be cheating ourselves. I guess it's not good to begin a relationship like that. I just hope that when we are ready, the feelings are still there. And I hope they are mutual. AAAAAAAH!

Lucky was out of town this weekend. Good cause I didn't feel like telling him I couldn't see him. Neptunes neighbor asked me out to a basketball game. I ended up saying no, cause it would be unfair to date a man when I have feelings for someone else and no plans of sleeping with the guy.

I just can't sleep with anyone else right now, cause all I think about is Neptune. I feel so bad about Lucky, cause it's like I've used him for sex, but Lucky acts like he doesn't care anyway. It's a fascade, but he insists he's cool with it. Idk, guys are funny. The sex last time was awful. He head butted me in the mouth and then accidently put his dick in my ass. I just wanted to leave after that. The only thing I really like about him is that he tells me I have the most amazing body. Other than that, there's nothing there.

I'm just gonna concentrate on myself and Neptune and if Neptune acts up, I'll just have to suck it up and be lonely girl.