Thursday, December 27, 2007

Contemplating (PC Part III)

I went to Chulo's house on Christmas night. We had been texting eachother all day and finally I called him around 8pm and he anwered. He went into this story about his girlfriend. They had a huge blow up and he kicked her out. He asked me to come over and make him feel better. So I did and I brought him a plate of food.

His house is old, but he's remodeling. His studio looks much better than the rest. His girlfriend was also completing her studio there. He'd bought her some nice equipment. He has 5 pitt bulls that live inside and two that stay outside. I'm scared of dogs, but my days of watching Cesar Milan on the dog whisperer have helped me to be more calm around them. Plus Chulo wasn't having any of my scaredy cat behavior. He was like "Come on Mami, don't act that way. " So I had to man up.

We had a nice night and he let me experience the studio. It was really nice.

I can't help but want to take that girl's spot, but I have a feeling he's gonna take her back in. He'll probably marry her and still try to fuck me. He actually asked me about that while we were making love. He said "Can I still have you even if I get married." I thought to myself, why am I always the other woman. He's always playing around about marrying me, but all of a sudden I'm not even in the running. It's ridiculous. But I told him I would. Then I told him if I get married I'm gonna be faithful to my husband, so things wouldn't continue the other way around. He seemed okay with that.

But like I said I want him to drop her. She's no good for him. She's a headache for him and he's really stressed out behind her. I make him feel better, he wouldn't even have any hassle with me. He could keep the studio he made for her cause I would use it for myself. I'd cook for him and keep things clean, I'd even help him remodel. I would love to have someone to come home to and clean up for and make love to. I would love to listen to his music all day long and help him compose beats. I think he would like having me around. I'd have his kid even. Later in life of course, but I'd go half on a baby with him. He's a good guy. I really like him.

I hope that we can really actually be in a real relationship. I want to have his heart for real. Not just to help him get through this time, but to help him get through life. We'll see how it goes though. He says he loves me, but he may just be desperate to feel something for someone. Either way it will all work out. I know.

Flow's wife called me again. I'm sure she found out that he and I were still seeing each other after she talked to me. Well I didn't answer and hopefully she drops it. I don't want to deal with them anymore.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

This time I'm for real

Last night as I was about to walk out the hotel room door and head to what I was hoping was Flow's house, my phone rang. It was him. "You okay? I'm on my way." He saved himself. But he didn't show up until over an hour later and once there he acted like he was going to stay the night. I looked at his wallet and he got really mad. I saw a picture of his son, that was it, but he snatched it from me. He was like, "That's personal." Then his "brother" called him on my phone from Flow's phone. I was thinking "That's personal. He didn't even ask for permission to allow someone to call my phone for him." Anyway, I asked him if he going to be leaving but he didn't say anything, until after we had sex. He was like "I have to go to the hospital. My brother is picking me up." I was dissapointed in him. I should have gone to his home as soon as he left, but I was tired.

This morning as I was packing up to leave the hotel, he called and once again complained about me looking in his wallet, "You should never look in a man's wallet. Remember that for the future." I said "Whatever." and hung up on him. I was tired of his Svengali attitude. I was heading back home but I decided to try to go to the address again. I thought maybe it would be an old address or someone else's address, but there was his van right infront of his home. I called him and called him again while driving around his neighborhood. I called him and asked where he was. He said at a work site. I asked if I could come talk to him. He said no. I thought maybe he could be at work in his suburban. I left his neighborhood and was about to head home, but something told me to go back. I went back and there was his suburban in the drive way. I called him and called him he didn't answer. Finally, he called me back "I was with a customer. You can't keep calling me. I'm working." I decided to park down the street where I could see him leaving and follow him. I sat for about 20 minutes and finally I saw movement at his house. One guy was throwing a football. I couldn't see to who. Another guy walked around the back to throw out some trash. Then his fan pulled out of his street and I started on my pursuit. The light stopped me at a corner and he turned and got on the highway. I thought I would lose him before he noticed me following him. The light changed and I got to the exit. He had stopped on the side of the exit ramp and someone that looked like his cousin was running across the lane to pick up some strip of material off the road. I stopped for him and stared into the side view mirror. As his cousin got back in the van I waited for Flow to pull back out onto the ramp. He looked in his side view to see if he was clear. He stared right back at me and kept looking. I started smiling cause I knew he saw me. Once on the highway he started looking around the car and in his rearview. I could tell he was telling people in the car I was following him. He pulled off the next exit. I kept driving on to go home. I looked at my phone about an hour later and realized I had it on vibrate and he had called me several times.

I'm not calling him back. I think I accomplished what I needed to be able to move on. He lied. I knew he was lying. I proved it and he saw that I knew it. That's enough for me.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I don't really wanna go

Well I'm sitting here alone in a hotel room in Flow's home town at 9:56 at night. Why?

He called this morning to let me know that his sister was in the hospital with a high fever. She just had major surgery last week and she's still in the hospital. From my experience people only stay in the hospital long if they have complications after the surgery. Otherwise they ship people out after a day or two or send them to rehab. Maybe she's in rehab. Anyway, so he asked me to come to him. I should have just said know. But I came.

When I got here he took forever to come meet me. Then he told me that he was working today and he wasn't going to be able to spend much time withe me. Then he told me he may not be able to spend the night with me because he was going to sit with his sister at the hospital. Now I hate to sound mean, but I don't believe him at all. Honestly I don't even think his sister is in the hospital. And is she is, the woman has a daughter and a boyfriend that can spend the night with her. He claims they don't get along and if I was sick in the hospital and I didn't like my brother, I wouldn't be too excited about him staying overnight with me. But like I said I don't believe him at all.

Flow is probably at home with his wife and 3 kids. I just called and he picked up and then hung up. I tried calling back and he didn't answer. So if he does call back I know exactly what he'll say. I was at the hospital with my sister and I'm gonna have to stay with her. Or he'll wait 'til tomorrow when I call him and say something similar. He's is such a liar and I am foolish for dealing with him. I know. And this is the last straw. I'm ready to drop him. I'm ready to let go.

Actually I'm ready to see if the address connected to his business on the yellow pages is his house and if he is there.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I did it (PC Part II)

I was bored.
I was wrong.
But I did it.
Yesterday I noticed Papi Chulo online on myspace. So I asked him a question about the music on his page. I don't know why. I think deep inside I was hoping he would want to see me, but still I wasn't quite sure I wanted to do anything. Well he asked me what I was doing that night. I said nothing. He asked if I wanted to see him. I said sure. He asked if I could where a black thong and bra set. I started thinking great I'm going to meet a serial murderer who like to kill women in black thong and bra sets. I told him I didn't have a set because I buy my stuff a la carte. He LOL'd and said he would buy me one for Christmas or Valentine's. Why do men lie?

Anyway, I told him I had a black thong and he said wear that. He told me where to meet him and told me I could drive his car back to my place. Well I drove out to meet him at a gas station. When he pulled up and got out of his car the first thing I noticed was how short he was. I was taller than him in my heels. But the second thing I noticed is how cute he was, so I could overlook the height deficit. He looked exactly like his picture. Short black hair, big juicy lips, hovered by a thin stache and long eyelashes. I love long eyelashes on a man.

Anywho, I drove his car back to my place. He explained to me that he couldn't drive at night because he just got his licenced revoked for a DUI. So we go get some drinks from Harris Teeter and go to my apartment. While in the car he tells me, "you know you're in the presence of a legend." I said really. He went on to explain about his business and how nobody can mess with him and made himself out to be some kind of big boss or something. Which honestly he probably is locally with all the local artists he works with and being in a gang and all.

So once we got in my apartment I was my usual paranoid nervous self conscious self and I immediately started drinking the Mike's Hard Lime he bought me. He wanted to hug and cuddle at bit. He complemented me on my teeth, lips, thighs, and ass. It was a nice start. Then we kissed. He likes to suck when he kisses. That's definitely something I am not used to. It can be igniting, but it hurts a little. Then we proceeded to take off our clothes and he was engrossed by my thong clad behind. "You got a big ass mami. You just swallow up that thong. I like that. Let me kiss it. You got the best ass in the world." Why do men lie? So then we started getting hot and heavy and he he pulled me up to sit on his face. I was like I can't believe he's doing this. I just met him. But he's a freak obviously. So he licked and licked and he was pretty good. So I gave a little of the same and then the real sex started. He has a nice thick schlong. It was dark in the room but it looked perfectly straight and proportional. He's not circumcised which most latinos aren't. I had only experienced an uncircumcised penis once before with a dominican guy I used to mess with in college. But I consider dominicans black because well they are. He kept giving me these long slow deep strokes which felt really good. And he was talking to me like the whole time. "Can I give it to you like this mami? Am I going to slow? You like that mami." It was great. Then he started going really fast and then slow again and medium and then he went on his side and gave it to me like that. It was blowing my mind. It was like he was composing a track on my body, with different tempos and textures and colors and moods. It was so good. I loved it. We did it twice that night. The second time something happened that never happened before. I got really tight out of now where and I could really feel him inside me. He was like "Your pussy is sucking my dick mami." I was like yeah cause you feel so good. He did feel good, but I didn't know why my vajayjay decided to tighten up like that. When all was done. I laid my head on his chest. It felt so perfect laying in his arms. Then he began to explain to me about how 911 was an inside job. He is a true conspiracy theorist. He told me about aliens living in the earth and the CIA/Big Brother and he's a huge proponent of Ron Paul a 2008 presidential candidate. It's funny because I like Ron Paul too but he says "they" won't let him be president because he's gonna fix everything. It was interesting and I was happy to listen to him. He told me I was a good listener and I probably think he's crazy now. Yes I do think he's a tad crazy but I like it and he's a good lover. One thing I noticed is that when he was talking he kept doing dome weird thing with his breathing. It was like his breathing would get stopped up suddenly and then open up again. He later told me that he has trouble swallowing and one of his tonsils got really big when he was little and never went down. I think he might have a tumor, but he says he has no health insurance to get it checked out. I look at it next time we're together.

Flow called me today. We talked pretty much the whole afternoon. I was very happy with him and he seemed to be in a good mood. He's coming here tomorrow to spend hopefully the whole day with me. I am truly looking forward to that. I haven't seen him in such a long time and I'm craving him. I want to run my fingers through his hair and stare into his greenish grayish brown eyes and love him down! I can't wait. I been doing kegel excercises all day.

I talked to the ex I hate. He is such an idiot. He called this morning to tell me that he thought about what I said about how he doesn't listen to anybody, particularly the women in his life, when they tell him what he's doing wrong. He said "I just have the natural ability to only listen to wise counsel. You are not wise. You have never been through anything in your life. So why would I listen to you." Hmml, his last little sting. I just told him to ask his wife what she thinks of him. She knows him most intimately and she'll tell him the truth. He didn't like that. He let me know he wouldn't be asking her. I told him that he'll never be able to be in a healthy relationship with a women until he's willing to acknowledge where he needs to change. Of course he didn't agree cause I'm not wise enough. Aaaarrrgh he makes me mad. His very existence is an abomination to my soul. I hate him.

Why do I attract or am I attracted to men without moms and dads? My ex that I hate's parents abandoned him, Flow's parents died when he was young, and XXXXX's parents were murdered. I don't know.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Oh Hum... (PC Part I)

I talked to the ex I used to hate and hate once again today. We always end up talking about our past relationship. I asked him some questions from my mini DSM-IV book. One question was "when you get angry have you ever hit someone?" He said no. I asked "Not any more?" He said I never hit you. I said you punched me in the arm when I told you to shut the fuck up when you were yelling at me while I was trying to park. He denied it. Then said "You hit me". I asked "Do you remember punching me in the leg repeatedly after you said I insulted you infront of my family?" He said, "I did not. That never happen. That is a lie." We got into a big argument and by the end he was like "I just need to know if we are going to have sex." I said "I cannot be intimate with you because you will not acknowledge that the issues you have keep you from being able to have an intimate long term relationship with a woman." He said "Well that's fine. Thanks for letting me know. That will be it for us." The boy is demented. I really wanted to tell him that he has too many feminine qualities and he needs a women with more male qualities that will balance him out. I think the fact that his mom, father, and grandmothers have abandoned him throughout life have affected him more than he is willing to let on. I told him when we were together he should see a therapist about it, but he won't do it.

Flow went to ATL without telling me. He's such a cutie I know he probably picked up another girlfriend there if he doesn't still have the same one his wife said she found out about before. He's supposed to be back tomorrow and said he'll call me. But I learned recently that means I should call him.

A Papi Chulo is tryna sleep with me. He discovered me on myspace. He is an independent music producer in a nearby city. He says I'm fine and he has a girlfriend but he wants to have sex with me. I need to remember to get that "I'm a slut" tattoo removed from my forehead. Men...ugh. But I've always wanted to sleep with a latino guy. He's very attractive and muscular with thick lips and hazel eyes, so i'll think about it. If Flow shows a little more consistence, I won't have to. But Chulo gave me his number and I'm gonna used it if I have to.

Meanwhile, I talked to Das Weiner on the IM. He let me know he has a girlfriend by saying "I gotta run (girlfriend coming)". Oh thanks for letting me know. I guess they are going strong maybe. He seems to be hiding me from her. Other than that he didn't say anything. He did say he'll send me more money in the future. Yay me!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Let it Flow

Das Weiner answered my email. He sent a picture of him sitting at his desk at work. I sent a picture of me sitting in my car. I was expecting him to be really anxious to get my number but he didn't even mention it. I asked why he gave me money, but he hasn't answered yet. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he meant to give it to his sister, both our names begin with K. I don't know.

I guess Flow and I are officially back together. He asked me to marry him over the phone. Of course I said no and told him if he was really serious he wouldn't ask over the phone and he would provide an engagement ring. He said "You'll get the ring when you say I do." I was like no and I explained exactly the way the process should occur and told him when he's serious he'll do it right. I also told him that I had been proposed to twice in similar ways and I've never been married so...what does that tell him. I said yes both times. But if a guy is really serious he'll do what he's supposed to do. Get down on one knee, tell me how he can't imagine life without me, and then pull out a ring. Now this was all after he asked me why I love him and then corrected my reason for loving him. I mean if you don't like the reason I give for loving you then why would you ask me to marry you 5 minutes later? I don't know. And then after all this, asked me if I was fucking some other man. Flow is just so emotional. I really would like to have a good relationship with him, but he's starting to make it difficult. He's gonna have to move me up on his list of priorities and start romancing me a bit more. I'm still a woman. I can be patient, accomodating, and understanding but I'm still a woman that wants to be nutured and cared for.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

And out of nowhere...

I was looking over my bank statement on line this morning and I noticed a strange deposit from and account I wasn't familiar with. I started to panic a bit thinking ID theft, but why would a thief give me money. Then I looked at the details of it was from an old flame. He had my account info because I let him borrow some money a long time ago and he payed me back by just depositing the money directly in my account. But he finished paying me back last year. And after he payed me back he stopped calling and stopped answering, so I erased his number from my pone. So why did he put $5 in my account today? I have no idea. Apparently he want to contact me. Well I don't have any other way than to try to go through AIM but he hasn't been on there since like '04. I sent an IM and email. All I can do now is wait.

His nickname is Das Weiner. My cousin and friend made that name up for him when I showed them his house back in under grad. It had a traingular roof like the local Das Weiner drive thru. He was a Navy sailor. I remember two things about Das. 1 he had the biggest dick I'd ever seen. The first time we tried to do it, we couldn't. He was just too big. I brought some lubricant the next time and it was successful, but...and this brings me to the #2 most rememberable thing about...It lasted about 2 minutes if that long. Everytime we did it, it would be over after a couple of minutes. It was dissapointing. I still liked him though. He was a nice guy, but poor. He never took me out and I let him borrow money a couple of times. He paid me back everytime though and he always used condoms.

I met Das on the night i first smoked weed. We (friend, and I) smoked at my 2nd big brothers house. My cousin was there but she opted out. We went to a jam afterward and I was still a little high and feeling free. I noticed a cute light skinned guy starting at me. He was actually siting 2 feet away from my cousin and would not take his eyes off me. I sat right next to him and started a conversation. He asked me for some of my gum. We danced a bit and then snuck away into a corner. I wanted to make out with him, but I didn't want to look bad in front of cousin and friend and other people from school. He whispered in my ear, "What's up with getting with you tonight?" I said, "What's up with getting to know me first." He was a little stunned. But he took my number. I didn't think he'd call.

He surprised me a couple of days later with a phone call. He invited me and my friends to hang with him and his navy friends on valentines day. We showed up at their house, watched TV, laughed and joked around. They had been smoking weed and took niacin to try to purge their systems. Das asked me to follow him into the kitchen. I did and he showed me how his skin was turning red from the niacin. Then he put his arms around me and kissed me. It was pretty romantic, then it got raunchy and he started lifting up my skirt. I had to slow him down. He really caught me off guard, but I loved it. A week later I decided to give him some since he was going out to sea soon. While he was out to see, he asked if I could send him naked pictures of me. I told him I didn't have pictures like that, but i told him I would send him pictures of girls from onlline. He liked that so everyday while he was away that's what I did. When he got back we started seeing eachother again. It lasted quite sometime, but I knew he wasn't exclusive. He told me early on that he didn't want a girlfriend. When the school year was over he did drive the 20 minutes to my parents house to bring me back to his house so we could have sex. He met my mom but he was so nervous.

Years later he told me that he was stupid for being nervous around my mom. He wanted me to be his girl. But I was with my most recent ex. That was back in '04.

Anyway I don't know what's gonna happen next.

Talked to the ex I used to hate. He is already to divorce his wife and be with me. I'm trying to get him to pull the reigns because he doesn't know what's going to happen with us and he is already starting to get on my nerves. He told me to shut up, go to hell, and called me diabolic all in one conversation. To him it's joking and being funny, but to me it's going to far. I try to tell him, but this dude doesn't back down. I'm sure his wife will be glad to get rid of him, sounds like they argue alot.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Gosh Darnit

I broke down like an idiot big time. I did like 20 million bad things today out of boredom. Someone stop me.

I talked to my ex. The abusive one that I hate. Well I guess I don't hate him as much cause I IM'd him today and we talked for a while. Next thing I knew I was watching him masturbate on his webcam and promised to go out and have sex with him this Saturday. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I desperate? What is happening?

Then I broke down and text messaged Flow: "You must be back with your ex. Ike Turner is dead." He didn't like that message at all. I told him I was upset cause he hung up on me. He said his phone battery went dead. There's something wrong with it and he's gonna get a new one tomorrow. I felt like an idiot. The phone went dead again. He called me back and said he would call me when he got a new phone. He also said that he had been at the hospital all day with his sister who had vascular surgery. And his wisdom tooth chipped and cut his tongue so it's been uncomfotable for him to talk. Anyway, he's like not happy with me at all. I'm officially a headache now, I guess. I can't help it. I know I'm being annoying but i can't help it.

I've also been talking to my most recent ex. But nothing is going to come of that. He contacted me first, just wanting to know how I'm doing. I'm just waiting for him to be like "I miss you. I love you. Let's get back together."

I really don't want to be with anyone right now at this exact moment. I'm tired.

I didn't pay my rent this month. Sug said he'd help me. He never came by earlier this week. But he said he'll try to put something together by tomorrow.

I reposted my profile on the sugardaddy site. There are a lot of new SD's on there though, so I was kinda excited.

I really hate my life right now. If I died right now, I would not be upset. I don't think anyone else would be too sorely upset either. Sure they'd be sad I'm gone and cry, but no one would be lost without me. That is a sad thought. But I think about it sometimes. I barely keep up with my family as it is. I would never kill myself or anything. That's out of the question. Then I think about how so many people have it a lot worse off and would love to trade places with me and it gets me through another day until I feel on top of the world again. Sounds bi-polar, but I'm not. I just get really down sometimes. My most recent ex was the first to really pick up on it. He would try to help me by writing long letters about how I should talk to other women in the church and stop being such a sinner. It would just make me feel worse and resent him, which ultimately led to our break up. I mean who wants their boyfriend chastising them all the time, looking down on them for their shortcomings. Not me.

Who's gonna be able to deal with me?

I'm about to send my ex I used to hate an email. Stop me! Too late. Arrrrg.

He wasn't all bad. He gave me flowers, lots of gifts, took me out all the time, gave me spending money, loved me to pieces, and he was an awesome lover. He just would get jealous and needy. He says he changed. My hunch is he has a little, but he could go back into his old ways with the right trigger. I wouldn't let him get out of hand though.

Exit Flow

I got a text message from Flow yesterday afternoon: "Hello, Call me" So I did. I wish I hadn't. At first he acted like he just wanted to say hi. Then he says, "I want some and I don't know what to do." I asked him if he had any ideas. He said, "No, do you want some?" I told him I just wanted to see him and if I got some in the meantime that would be great. He said, "You don't seem to excited." Well I'm not. I was a little hesitant. I was scared. What if he's setting me up. He could have spent this time away plotting a plan against me. He had to get off the phone and said he would call me back. I waited a while and decided to call to see if he wanted to meet that night. He said tomorrow(today) would be better. Then he asked me the weirdest question out of the blue. "Where'd you get money from?" I stuttered. I had told him last week that I didn't have any money. I didn't want to tell him I had gotten money from Curve. I said, "Um, I have a little money." The line went dead. I thought maybe we lost the signal. But on multiple attempts to call him back, I failed to reach him. He didn't call me.

So "No more". Curve was right. Flow is ghetto and so are all the people dealing with him. That's not me. I grew up in the country and the suburbs. Ghetto mentality is different from where I grew up. We live by a different code in the burbs. I hate to say a higher code, because the values they hold are a result of their environment. In the ghetto, it's okay to lie to keep people out of your business. It's okay to steal. It's okay to buy cheap stolen goods. It's okay to carry a weapon. It's okay to fight for pride. It's okay to spread your seed around and father lots of kids. It's okay to have a baby at 15. It's common place. Sure there are exceptions but for the most part that's how it is.

Anyway, I can't deal with Flow anymore. There are 3 guys in my hometown waiting for me to get back there for winter break, so I don't have to sit here and deal with his bullshit. He's going to have to come with something different if he wants to be with me.

The 3 guys: Curve, Hugz, and Jokes
you already know Curve.

Hugz is my big brother from college. All freshman are adopted by a big brother or sister. Ususally they pick you after meeting you in class, at a jam or cabaret, or in the cafe. They take you to Walmart and to the parties, buy you alcohol, etc. Often you end up eventually sleeping with them. But Hugz was different. I picked him as my big brother and we never slept together. I did have a huge crush on him though. I remember the first time I saw him in the cafeteria during pre-college. He was such a hottie. I couldn't stop staring at him. A beautiful girl with long hair, in full make up and wearing a cute suit, walked over to his table and gave him a hug. They talked a bit and then she left to get her food. He turned to his friend and said, "She is fine." His friend agreed. After that, I knew he would never be into me. I was this akward teenage girl and that "fine" girl looked like a well put together woman. Besides he didn't even notice me in the cafe.

My best friends in pre-college got around a little better than I did and they had met a couple of big brothers for us to hang with, so we did. We made plans to go to the Omega Psi Phi "Q" cabaret. We were to meet at one of my friends dorms and ride with one of their big brothers and his friends. I was wearing a short black skirt and cute top. A little black car pulled up infront of the dorm. We all looked to see if it was my friends big brother. In the passenger seat I recognized the guy from the cafeteria. I began to get butterflies. "That's him. How are we all gonna get in there? I'm sitting in the back.", my friend called out. I couldn't believe it. I was going to get to meet that hottie from the cafe. All the other girls scrambled into the back seat. I had no choice but to sit in the front in the hottie's lap. I wasn't mad though, I was in heaven. We introduced ourselves and I thanked him for lettting me sit in his lap and being such a gentleman. At the cabaret we danced together but of course he danced with lots of different girls. As the summer went on I learned more about him. I talked to him on the phone, asked him to be my big brother. He was so nice and always a gentleman. But the weird thing was whenever I saw him around campus or at parties, it seemed like he would hug me the longest. It wasn't my imagination. I would watch as he hugged everyone else and it wasn't the same. So that's why I'm calling him hugs. I confessed my like to Hugz once in college and he just said, "oh your very sexy and beautiful but we're just friends." I was dissapointed but it was okay. I just wanted him to stop giving me those long caressing hugs, it was confusing. There was a running joke that he didn't have a scrotum because he never slept with any girls and never had a girlfriend, even though girls were always after him. But he's dated girls that I found out about. Apparently he's very romantic and kinda worships the woman he's with.

So after school I hooked back up with Hugz on myspace. We talk on there every once in a while. He's a salesman and has an internet business (whatever that means). This summer I went to his house with a couple of friends. One knew him through me. He served us salsa and chips and soda, and we listened to music. Then he practiced his sales pitch for a new product. It was cute. When we left, he did it again, just like old time. The long slow hug. This time he looked me in the eyes all sexy and wrapped his arms around my waiste. I put my arms around his neck, cause that just seemed natural and next thing I knew I was fighting the urge to start making out with him. He went to hug everyone else and they were no where near as intimate and long as mine. There he goes again. Well recently he emailed me and asked to take me to dinner, so that's what we're planning to do while I'm home during the break.

I'll talk about Jokes another time.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


So I talked to Flows wife last night. She called me. I told her everything. She told me everything. I wouldn't have done this if Flow wasn't such a liar. He told me that she was his ex wife, which I figured was probably a lie and could deal with it if she wasn't, but since he didn't want to be honest with me and has lied about so many things I just spilled my guts. He called this morning angry with me. He said "Because of you I can't see my son." I asked "if that's your ex, why does she care that much." He didn't have an anwer. I told him I knew about all his criminal history and I knew how old he really was. He continued to lie and deny. In the end I was very nice to him. I let him know that I still cared about him and that I was sorry things had to end like this.

Well...that's it.

I talked to Curve about it. In fact he's the one that told me I should talk to Flows wife. I probably shouldn't have listened to him, since he still likes me, but he was right. I have to look out for myself ultimately.

Sug is supposed to come over tomorrow to make me feel better.

I think I want to start body building. I've actually wanted to do it since undergrad. But this new year I'm actually gonna start. It will give me something to do for myself. I need to do something for me, since no one else will.

I miss Flow

Saturday, November 24, 2007

What to do...What to do...

Some women keeps calling me from Flow's home town. The first time she called it was like 7am. She asked for Sylvia. I had a feeling she really wanted to ask if I knew Flow. After that she started calling me from a retricted number. I anwered once but no one said anything. Today she left a message saying that she needed to talk to me about a mutual friend of ours and that it was very important that I call her back. I really don't want to call her right now. I need to talk to Flow first, but he has been MIA since the day before Thanksgiving. I guess this is his wife, girlfriend, baby mama, case manager, or parole officer. Could even be his sister or great aunt or something. I don't know. All I know is that I need to talk to Flow and give him a chance to tell me what's going on.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

My Man

I love Flow so much. I went to Charlotte Saturday to see Flow. It didn't start out all that great. He was with his cousin getting his van worked on. Once I got to Charlotte he wasn't able to meet me right away. He had me meet him about an hour after I got there, in the projects where his cousing lived. he sat talking to his cousin for another hour, smoking and drinking beer. I sat in my car, talking to my friend on the phone, spilling the details of this crazy encounter. He called me over to the car, so I could meet his cousin. He also took the time to show me his receipts and contracts for his work, to let me know he was legit I suppose. Then he gave me a copy of a cd by one of the artists he manages and asked me to got listen to it while he finished up with his cousin. After about 15 minutes they started looking like they were about to leave. He put his bag in my car. But then he was like, "I'm going to smoke a little more" So I sat there for another 10 minutes and talked to my friend on the phone. Finally he stepped in my car.

He directed me to where we were going. We were heading toward the Ramada, but then he asked me if I was hungry. I was like "Yes!!!" I thought he'd never ask. So we went to this bar and got drinks and food. We toasted to our first date. He said he felt privledged being next to me. Then he started singing to me freestyle. I thought it was so cute and sweet. We talked about various things. He said one of his buddies wanted him to get into selling weed. I told him he didn't have to do that. He has a legitamite non-illegal way of making money, no need to do that. I'm sure he would make lots of money. Then we discussed how we believe marijuana should be legalized. He ended up telling me that he wanted to take me around the world and basically he was offering me alot. I was like I'm so lucky. We got our tab and he showed it to me and threw down a $100 bill. I was like wow great.

So we ended up not going to Ramada, probably because I was a little more than tipsy and couldn't drive. Somehow my head got in his lap and we ended up at the Garden Inn and Suites. He gave me another $100 bill and I got a room while he parked. The hotel was about half a star up from where we had stayed before. I guess I moved up in his world. That's nice.

Flow is the best. I really love him.

Sug called me Friday night. I have no idea why. I really wanted to be like leave me alone, but I am way too nice. He asked if he could check on me sometime. I told him yeah. He asked if he could come see me. I said no. We are over as far as I am concerned. I'm sure he won't call again. The cheap DVD player he bought me broke, so I returned it.

Monday, November 12, 2007


Flow said those three words a girl longs to hear. He said, "I love you" on the phone tonight. I'm pretty elated right now. I feel like running around outside and singing an improv broadway tune/disney movie theme song that would go something like this: "He said 'I love you' 'I love you' 'I love you' Those three words a womans heart longs to know. 'I love you' 'I love you' 'I love you' A phrase that causes a girls face to glow, when she gives her all to a man and he turns to her and says 'I love you' 'I love you' 'I love you.' That's what he said" Flutes, violins, horns. In come the animated birds and butterflies whistling and fluttering. aaaah! so beautiful. so free.

I left him a message like two days ago singing him this Chaka Khan song called "Stay". I actually sang the version by Erykah Badu. He loved it. I felt he needed to hear that song and know that I'm here for him, I know life can be hard and things get tough but with the good Lord guiding our steps life will turn out beautiful for us. That's what I believe the song is about. I think it made him feel better about the whole thing with my sister and with the different issues he faces from time to time.

Yeah, I'm gonna marry him. I am. or maybe I'll eat my words and wish I'd listened to my sister. Either way, I'm still going to be happy right now! WOOOOO!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


So I talked to my sister about Flow. I told her that I'm developing strong feelings for him. She's not happy. She never is happy when I tell her good news. Sharing in your happiness is an after thought for her. First she has to ask you a series of questions to prove that you really shouldn't be happy. So she asked me a bunch of questions about Flow. I was able to answer the majority of them, but when she started asking about his ex wife and child I didn't want to share what he's told me and he hasn't discussed the details of his marriage with me. I let her know that she really didn't need to know anything about that. She said I can't possibly have feelings for someone when I don't know anything about them. So because I couldn't answer one thing about him I don't know anything about him. I told her I'm still getting to know him. I don't have to know every detail of a person's past inorder to have feelings for them. I told her it's okay to got with your heart and do what you want and what makes you happy. Sure you risk making mistakes and getting your heart broken. That is life. That is how you grow up to be an old wise person. Why should I be sheltered from that? Why should I be different from anyone else?
My sister is the type of person that feels like she has figured life out. We look at and respond to life very differently. She is 13 years older than me so she does have a lot to share. But honestly she got pregnant as a teen, had an abortion, and then got pregnant right out of college and married her babies father. I've gotten all the way to graduate school without once getting pregnant and not getting married, so I really feel like we've lived our lives differently. She has acknowledged that I am smarter than she was at my age.
She regrets alot of her life. It's difficult for her to get passed her past. I've always been resilient. If I go through something or make a mistake, I get over it and move on, learn what I can. By the next year I might remember what happen but I don't let it cause me anguish. My sister does. She still hasn't gotten over the fact that our dad disciplined us with switches and belts and sometimes we got in trouble for things we didn't even do. Our dad wouldn't give us a chance to explain why we did the wrong thing. It didn't matter to him. My brother and I turned out fine cause we just got over it. We know that pratically everyone shares the same story and that it has benefited us in some way. My dad kept the house in order and kept us out of major trouble. My sister never got over that and she has chosen to raise her kids differently. I don't know how much her approach to life has helped. Honestly I don't think it's helped her at all. Two of her children are on psychotropic drugs and I really get the sense that she is the antagonist of the family.
Anyway, Flow and I were talking last night. I told him about my sister. She was making me second guess my feelings. He said I can't be coached through life and I have to make my own decisions and experience life and learn on my own. He told me to take time to think about how I really feel and what I really want. We hung up and I laid in the bed thinking I don't need time to think about it. I know how I feel and I know what I want. I try to tell my sister to let me live, but she doesn't listen. But ultimately I must do what I want and what I feel is right. So I called Flow back and I told him this. And he was glad to hear that. He sang me this Tony Toni Tone song "whatever you want". He asked how I knew I loved him. I told him cause it feels right. Everything is falling into place and it feels right with the universe. I know he'll take care of me, protect me, and keep me happy. He doesn't have to say it. I feel it. I feel like I'm exactly the woman he needs and that I would fit his lifestyle quite well. He wants to marry me. We have things to discuss before that happens, but I know that's where we're headed. I'm happy. Things are very good with us.

Friday, November 2, 2007

That's gonna be my man

I went to see Flow in his home town yesterday. I semi-surprised him. He told me I should come that night and I showed up in the morning. I met him at the hotel and we played around for a couple of hours. He left and told me he would come back later that night after he finished working on a couple of home imporvement projects. Well the hours went by and he still hadn't showed up at 11:45 pm. I was getting mad and decided to go to sleep, but couldn't. I started to cry. I was angry with him. Then my phone rang. It was him. He asked me to come out to the house he was working on.

I drove out to see him. He introduced me to his workers. He let me follow him around while he directed things and put in laminate floors. I thought it was so neat. I even helped him a bit. He worked until 3 am. I feel bad becuase I left with out saying goodbye to him. I thought he was going to come to the hotel. But he never came out and he didn't call. I was so happy that he invited me to see him work, that I didn't get too mad at him for that. He and I were both tired and needed our sleep.

Flow has the prettiest eyes. They are greenish gray and fun to stare into deeply. He's so gentle with his kisses and his touches. I am really feeling him.

I was talking to Radio today. I told him my sister has "psychosocial" issues. He laughed. I think he just had no idea what I meant. He was like "No one has ever used that word before. I'm learning from you. I love to learn new things, whether its words or definitions or technology." I just thought "wow" He didn't even ask what the issues were. We couldn't even get into that cause he couldn't get pass the "new" word.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

So when I met Flow, I guessed his age to be around 41 based on how he talked.

I got a clue and looked up his criminal record. He said he had never been to jail, but I thought I'd look it up anyway. Well it's true. He has never been to jail, but he has had four misdemeanor charges: a couple of DWIs, possession of cannibis, and damage to property. Not too bad I guess, especially since the latest one, possession of marijuana, was over 8 years ago. But that is not the most shocking info anyway.

See he told me he was 30, even though I told him I thought he was about 41. He explained to me that he was just wise for his age. I told him it didn't matter if he was 50, cause he was cute and young looking.

So I look at this criminal record of this guy with the same name and the same birthday, but different birth year and realize he's exactly the age that I guessed.

I had a special talk with him today about how important it is for him to be honest with me and open up to me about himself and his life. We shared some things with each other. So I feel like he'll be more honest with me from now on.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Took a love test

These are the results:

1. The road represents your attitude towards falling in love.
You chose the short road. You fall in love quickly and easily.

2. The number of red roses represents how much you give in a relationship, while the number of white represents what you expect in return.
You give 100% and expect 0% in return.

3. This question represents your attitude towards handling relationship problems.
You asked the family member to get your significant other. You like to avoid problems and hope that they will solve themselves.

4. The placement of the roses determines how much you like seeing your boy/girlfriend.
You place the roses on the bed. You like to see him/her a lot.

5. This represents your attitude towards his/her personality.
You prefer the person to be asleep, you love the person as the way s/he is.

6. The road to home tells how long you stay in love with someone.
You chose the longer road. You will tend to stay in love for a long time.

It's okay to love

My "big brother" from college is my friend on Myspace. I used to like him alot. He would always give me this wonderful hugs, where he would just envelope my whole body and rub my back down. They would make me melt. But he always saw me as a little sister, so we never went further than hugs. Well I visited him this summer with a couple of friends and he hugged me like he used to. I couldn't help but feel like I should kiss him afterward, but I had to remind myself that's how he hugs and it doesn't mean anything. Then he told me he would take me out to dinner one day. Anyway, today he posted a bulletin on myspace about love. It basically said don't be afraid to love, you will put your heart on the line and you might even get hurt, but to love is to live.

Flow finally stopped being MIA. I called him yesterday and he called me back almost immediately. He was like I told you I would call you when I got back to NC. I was like I didn't hear that. He said he missed me and wanted to see me, but I'm busy with class, so he said maybe this weekend. Doubt it! But anyway, today I called him. We talked briefly. He called me back later and said "I don't want you to commit to me until you love me and you are in love with me. You are far from that." I asked him by "far" did he mean time or quality. He said he hadn't analyzed it that much. I was like oh okay.

Sug didn't come over yesterday. He was busy in court and couldn't get away. I really didn't want to see him either. And I don't want to see him next week, though I kinda told him I would. Even though Flow doesn't want me to commit 'til I fall in love, I am starting to commit. I am slowly purging the other men out of my life to make way for him. He is getting to my heart. I am scared though. I don't want to get my heart broken. I fear that above many things. I think about my "big brother's" bulletin on Myspace and it makes me rethink it all. If I let go and love, I will not regret it because I lived.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


I haven't written because nothing much is going on and I've been a little depressed.

Flow dissappeared again. I'm not going to call him anymore. If he wants me to be apart of his life he'll find a way to keep me around. I called his phone, it goes straight to voicemail and then says he can't receive messages. I'm tired of trying with him. If he can't keep it together, I don't know what to say.

Radio tried to dissappear. He said so much is going on in his life, he just needed time to chill out. A friend of his was found dead in her home. He doesn't agree with the way his dad is running his home. He said this is why he doesn't want to be in a relationship, because he's got so many issues and stuff going on. I feel bad for him.

I talked to Curve. We are friends again now. Yea!!! He gave me advise about Flow, but I didn't take it. I should have though, I'd feel better right now. He told me I should write in my journal about myself and how I feel, so I can figure out why I operate the way I do.

Sug is coming over tomorrow. I need money and someone to make me feel better.

I think the progesterone in the mini pill is making me sad. If things get better and I still feel this way, I'll know it's the pill. I'm hoping once Flow get's it together and Sug gives me some other stuff I need, I'll be happy and cheerful again.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Stranger things have happened part II

This morning I started waking up, but I was still dreaming. Suddenly I heard my name called out. It was Flow, he wasn't there and he wasn't in my dream. It was just his voice. I woke up and I knew that I would talk to Flow that day. I got up and started writing in my journal. I wrote "He will call". Less than a minute later my phone rang. I knew who it was. I ran. It was his area code. I answered, "Hello?!" He said my name, just as he had said it earlier that morning. His phones were stolen.

I love him. That's it. This is the man for me. We are officially spiritually connected. I'm serious. I'm marrying this guy.

I have decided to tell him about his Sugar Daddiness. I've been hiding it from him, but I think he knows. I think if I tell him about it, he will start to show more of it. Maybe.

I should be revising my paper to turn in at 2 today, but I just want to think about Flow. I love him.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Stranger things have happened

So I haven't talked to Flow since Thursday. Friday I called and his voicemail box was full. I called Saturday and I got an invalid number message. I called his other number and I got a temporarily out of service message. I called from my other phone and got the same messages, so I know he didn't block my number. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was going to get an Atlanta number, but you'd think he would call and give me the new number. So I'm wondering if he's trying to drop me again or if he just forgot to tell me or what. I'll find out in the coming days.

This is so ridiculous. I'm not happy.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Life is changing

I went to Planned Parenthood today to get some birth control pills. I was very anxious about it and my blood pressure was up as a result. The doctor was concerned about it, I told her I was nervous, but of course she has to tell me that I could be developing hypertension. I was anxious because I've never talked to anyone about birth control before. Infact I vowed never to go on the pill because my mom and sister both had problems having kids and reproductive issues and both used hormonal birth control methods. I always felt that by leaving my reproductive/endocrine system alone, I was avoiding what seemed to be my fate. But now I'm like, I'm having sex and I'm getting older, I gotta take responsibility. I had been wanting to for a while. Curve told me I should and now Flow. And since me and Flow are probably going to be together for a while, it's what I have to do.

Life has changed. I thought I'd be married and starting a family by now. I had done everything I could, short of selling myself short, to make sure of it. But it didn't happen. So now I have to stop dreaming and live my life the way it actually is, not the way I wish it was. Reality. While I was waiting forever in the lobby of Planned parenthood, I read an article in National Geographic Traveler about a wedding ceremony in India. It was an arranged marriage, like many of the marriages there and I wrote down a quote from the article. The aunt of the bride turned to the reporter during the ceremony and whispered "Everyone you see here had an arranged marriage, including me. And I love my husband to death. This is our culture, and it works - because everyone in the family wants these marriages to succeed" The bride and groom walked around a fire and the bride stated, "I was under my mommy and daddy's protection all this time." Then the groom replied, "Now you are under my protection." The bride reminded me of my self. She became excited imagining what the courtship would be like leading up to the marriage, but she was dissapointed when she hadn't heard from him or received any flowers from him. So she sent him flowers to give him a hint. He told her he was very busy with his school work and would make it up to her when it was over. Well he did send her flowers a week before their wedding celebration. But all turned out well. She was very sad to leave her family,but she was happy to be moving on with her new husband. The author said at the end of the article, "Love is behind, love is ahead." Such beautiful words and such a beautiful cultural experience. It's so important to have the support of the family. I think we lose that when we go out on our own and find a mate. We do it backwards. We met someone, get to know them forever, then the families meet, then the wedding, and then we want our families to stay out of it. But it is true that marriages would probably work better if the whole family was encouraging to the couple, no matter what.

I went to Flow's home town to see him again. He sold his house there and came from Atlanta to close and wanted to see me. We got a hotel room. It had large mirrors across one wall and we enjoyed watching our lovemaking. No simultaneous orgasms this time, but I let him come inside me, since my cycles starting soon, hopefully. I found out he has a BA in Business with a minor in Accounting. And he is divorced. He asked me if I wanted him to move near me and keep an eye on me. I was like there's no houses near me. He was like I'll get an apartment. He had asked me earlier if I ever lived with a man. I told him no. He also asked how long I had ever vacationed with a man. I told him 2 days. I don't know why he's asking all this stuff. I guess he's thinking about living together. I've never even entertained that thought in previous relationships. My ex lived with his dad and little brother and the one before that with his gay best friend and the ones before that lived with their parents. Wow, this is my first time dating a man. I guess that is what happens when you become a woman.

While I was in Flows home town, once again men were staring at me. After he left the hotel to go back to Atlanta, I went to Taco Bell (my favorite). The hotel clerk was on the phone and when he saw me, he told the person on the line "Man I wish you could see this beautiful lady walking past me right now." He jumped out of his chair and looked me up and down till he got to my feet. "Oooo and she got some pretty feet. Ooooo!" It was so funny, this dude was like 50 years old. I was thinking "If you could see, would would notice they aren't that pretty. It's the shimmery pink polish" Then in the parking lot a guy was walking by and caught my eye. We greeted each other. "You got a pretty smile." I thanked him. "What's your name?" I contemplated telling him my real name or not. But I figured I never see him again so I told him. He told me his. "Are you taken?" Thought technically I'm not, I said yes. I didn't feel anything like I did with Flow, nothing pulling at me. Besides if Flow and I are going to be exclusive I need to cut my men down.

I'm really trying to figure out how I'm going to let Radio go. We can still be friends, but I think he's going to be hurt. I convinced him not to come down this month, but I'm sure he didn't want to come anyway for whatever reason, money probably. He can be so dumb sometimes. I was watching "Chelsea Lately" on E! and I told him the Kardashians were on and he should turn to it. He did. After that went off an entertainment news show came one and reported something about Justin Timberlake. I commented on it and he said "Oh you're watching E! too." I was like you fool, I'm the one who told you to turn to E! of course I'm watching it. I don't get him. I think he really is slow. And he makes up shit for no reason. I still don't believe he has a brother that has been going in and out of comas for 7 years. The latest news: the doctors want to pull the plug, but his dad doesn't. He just doesn't seem distraught enough. I mean if my brother was about to die, I wouldn't be too cheerful. I mean he talks about it as if he's not really apart of it. Maybe it's a half brother. I don't know and I don't care anymore. I feel bad though.

Sug hasn't called.

Curve called last friday and left a message that I didn't listen to until yesterday. I called him today. He answered but then commenced to have a conversation with an imaginary person. He was like "I'm playing video games. How did today go? Oh, good. Well I'm gonna have to call you later. Okay. Bye." I sat silent on the phone. I hate that. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that with Flow, however his son did answer the phone once and apparently someone snatched it from him and hung up on me. It's good that Curve and I aren't talking. I mean he left just in time for me to meet Flow. It's like he had a cue and took it. I like when life works out like that. Now if Radio could get a cue or a clue!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Thrown for a loop

Flow said to me last night, "I sense some doubt from you." I don't even remember what we were talking about. But I responded, "Yeah I do have some doubts." He immediately went off. "That's something you can't change. That's something I won't deal with. If that is how you really feel about me then I guess this is it. It was nice knowing you." And with that he hung up. I was pissed. He didn't even ask me what I meant. I was talking about believing that this guy really likes me for me and wants me to fall in love with him. Doubts about being in a relationship this soon. Doubts that he hasn't lied to me about something.

I called him back. He answered after the second time. "Are you kidding me?" I couldn't believe him. I felt like he was trying to find an easy out. He was done with me and didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, now that he got what he wanted. I was pissed with him. I explained to him what I meant. He told me that his past girl had trust issues and he didn't want to deal with that with us. He cited when I asked to see his license or said he might be a serial killer. I explained to him that I was a single black women living on my own and I have to be careful. He seemed to understand. I told him I thought he was trying to break my heart. He said, "The only way you get your heart broken is if you are in love. How do you feel about me?" This was so weird, cause just a few minutes before he was ready to end all communication with me, but suddenly he wanted to know if I loved him. I told him I cared about him alot. I said it takes time to build love and I want to get to know him more. He's special. I feel like he put a spell on me cause I shouldn't have feelings like this, at this point. He said, "i'm original. I'm not like anybody else. As long as things are going good I'm fine. But as soon as this is a headache, I'm done. I don't like drama." I told him I don't like drama either. I felt like he was trying to flip things. So I said, "If you really feel like I'm full of drama or either need to get to know me better or you just feel that way and your wrong." He responded, "Well I guess I'll just have to get to know you."

He definitely tried to flip things on me. I think I salvaged myself at the end, by forcing him to take some of the responsibility. He wants my trust bad and I don't know why. This was a desperate atempt to get it. It makes me more weary of him. I mean he could be a desperate romantic or anxious to get me to a point were he can manipulate me easier. Part of me says either way I don't need to be with him. But another part says, he's human. He's afraid of getting hurt too. He's just a little more vocal about it and not willing to comprimise for happiness.

I don't know what to do.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

My Ex

My ex called me on Friday Night. Not the most recent one, but the one from 4 years ago. It was quite out of the blue and unexpected. It's really my cousin's fault. I mean kinda mine and hers. This summer, I put his number in my phone so that we could prank call him on one of our late nights out, a ritual for us. Well she was getting his number out of my phone and accidently pressed the send button. He called me everyday 2 or more times a day after that trying to find out why I called in the middle of the night. I explained to him that it was an accident and I didn't want to talk to him. I hate him. He was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. He disgusts me. I hate him. He told me not to call him anymore cause he was married. I was like obviously you are the one who's ringing my phone off the hook, but it's not a problem. So I thought that was it. But here he was on Friday calling me again.

He just wanted to tell me that he missed me and loved me and that his marriage was going bad. He then went on to tell me that it was my fault that he got married, that it was my fault that our relationship fell apart, and that I knew we should still be together. He was serious. This is exactly what I hate about him. He blamed me for everything. When he was talking I was filled with so much anger and hatred. I just wanted him to shut up and leave me alone. But I was nice. He's got to be crazy to think that I would seriously still love him. I even told him when we were together that if we got married I would kill him. I was serious. I wasn't going to let him abuse me for life. I don't get him. Actually I do. He has borderline personality disorder. Really. Fear of abandoment, unstable relationships, unstable emotions, impulsive, paranoid, demanding. He needs help, but its impossible to tell him that. I tried while we were together but he didn't get it. I hate him.

I don't like hating someone. When I say I hate men, I am not serious. But when I say I hate this guy it's from deep in my sould. It's real. I hate him. I despise him. And if we did get married and he continued his abusive behavior, I would kill him without a second thought and gladly serve my sentence or accept the death penalty.

Okay now on to better things. I still like Flow. Things are great with him, for the most part. He's just so busy all the time. He has so much going on, but it's a good thing. He says he loves money, which is a weird thing to say to a potential mate. I mean it's fine to appreciate money and work hard so you can have money to do fun things, but to love money is kinda bad. Honestly there are a lot of things about Flow that I wouldn't necessarily go for. He smokes black n' milds, he drinks beer, he smokes marijuana (even though he denies it, I can tell), he owns a gun, he doesn't go to church. These are all reasons I would not have given him the time of day several years ago. But now it doesn't matter so much to me. I don't know wether that's good or bad. I think it will turn out fine.

I've been researching the Virgo-Virgo match, since Flow and I are both Virgos, another reason why I wouldn't have dated him in the past. Not the best match but we could make it work. I'm scared. I fear rejection. He's very different from me. I think we both kind of idealize each other, but at the same time really like the real person in us. I want this to work. I think it will be a good relationship for me and teach me alot about life and myself.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I think I heart my sugar daddy

Sug texted me last night. Told me he missed me, wanted me, etc. So I told him he could come over today and he did. We had sex. He gave me my allowance. What more can I say? I did it cause I was a little upset with Flow. He didn't call me back last night. The funny thing is that when I called him today to talk to him Sug knocked on the door and I had to hang up. Flow told me he didn't call back cause he went out to a club to talk to someone about opening up his own club. I think it's awesome how he actually makes these things happen. I'll be interested to see if he really does open up a club in ATL. Anyway, I don't feel too bad about sleeping with Sug. I mean I really did want to move on. But I am not committed to Flow and he's not committed to me. So in the mean time I can do what I want.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Tryna move on, but can't

Sug called me. He had just gotten off his plane. I know he wanted some, but he didn't say. He acted like he was just checking up on me. I couldn't do it though. If I'm gonna be with Flow, then I want to be with Flow only. But now I'm having second thoughts. I tried to call Flow and he has his phone off. He's not obligated to me I know, but I can't help but wonder if he's fucking somebody else. I can't help it. I don't know much about him and that doesn't help with trust. I actually don't believe much of what he says. I can't help it. I believe most men are liars. My last boyfriend was the only one that didn't lie to me.

Men lie about stupid things too. My ex from 5 years ago got me a pleather coat for my birthday. He put it in a bag from my favorite store and tried to convince me that it was from that store. The tags didn't even match. The coat was too small and I told him I would have to take it back. I asked if they would take the coat at that store. He said yes. Why would you lie like that? To the point where you would even let somebody be emabarassed.

I'm on my hate men trip again. I hate men.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Greatest Sex

Well, Flow stood me up on Saturday again. I couldn't get a hold of him until Sunday morning. He said he had left his phone at the job site and the place was locked over night. He coulda been lieing, but I don't care. Since he was talking to me Sunday I decided to send him some pictures on his cell. The first couple were demure. I had on a baby teeshirt and boyshorts. I thought they were cute and sexy. He said that I coulda been more creative. He was challenging me. "Get closer to the camera, get naked." I wasn't sure if I wanted to go that far. "If you send me those pictures, I'm liable to come down there tomorrow and see you." "Yeah right.", I couldn't believe him after all the times he's stood me up. I asked him to send me a pick to get me motivated. He sent me a picture of his cute face standing in someone's yard. So I sent him a couple of new photos in a red g-string. He liked those alot. He wanted more. I sent two more, but he said those were too dark and he wanted some more. I told him no, cause he shouldn't have stood me up on Saturday. He can take some of his on when he comes to see me. I asked when he could come to see me again. He said he needed to finish a few more projects, "I got to make money. Once I make more money I can relax and take a vacation." I couldn't help but think that would be weeks from now. I wanted to see him sooner.

Monday morning he called me, "When do you have class today?" "2 o'clock", I told him. "If you didn't have class I'd asked you to come down here and I'd put you in a hotel." "I have to go to class." "Okay, well I gotta go to Home Depot. I'll call you back in a few minutes."

I thought about it. I wasn't really prepared for class and I had sprained my ankle Saturday night, so I technically shouldn't be walking around campus. I would skip and go see Flow. I tried to call him back to let him know what I decided. He didn't answer. I left a message saying, "I might take him up on his offer." I took my shower and packed my homework and an overnight bag. I put on a sexy sleeveless sky blue wrap shirt over a dark blue tank with fitted blue jeans. I looked fly and 2 hours later the men in Flow's home town let me know it. On my way there I called him but again he didn't answer. I decided that when I got there I would stop at a gas station and call him from a pay phone. While I was at the payphone a guy was staring at me from the passenger side of a van. He was very cute and he couldn't take his eyes off me from one corner to the next. I dialed Flow's number. Of course he answered almost immediately. I figured he would think it was a potential client. HAHAHA! I got him. He was so surprised. He couldn't believe I was calling from a local number. "I thought you had class", he said. Another man in an SUV honked and waved. I smiled. "You said if I didn't have class I could come down, didn't you?" "Yeah, I did. Where are you?" I told him where I was. "Okay I know where that is. I'm coming to pick you up and take you to the hotel." Yes! I'd got him. He was gonna be all mine. heehee.

I was so proud of myself. I don't know why. I mean I went for what I wanted. I took a chance. I figured wether he answered the phone or not he would have to see me at some point. If he didn't answer and I told him later that I went all that way to see him, he would have to make it up to me. But part of me knew that I was going to see him and that payphone trick did it. I hate to have had to trick him like that, but otherwise he wouldn't have answered.

When he came to pick me up he looked over at me from his van, "I can't believe you skipped class." "Are you disappointed?" "No, I just can't believe it." I followed his van to the hotel. He took me in and payed cash for my room. I like a man that pays with cash. I don't know why. It's just so raw to me, so thug. Don't leave behind a trail. Turns me on.

He carried my stuff in and gave me a kiss, "I'm gonna go back up there and work for about another 1 1/2 hour. Then I'll be back to see you. Is that okay?" "Yes" He kissed me again.

About 2 hours later he came back, all freshened up and looking good. We had sex and it was the greatest sex I've ever had. It was just amazing. I felt him in my heart and my soul. It was beautiful. So wonderful that I had a true orgasm (true cause I never experienced one like it before) while fucking him. The emotion was just overwhelming. I felt like the chemistry was perfect. The way he was touching me, everything was perfect. It was so good, I wanted to cry. I told him that it was the best sex I ever had. He couldn't stay the whole night. He had to go to Atlanta to work on a house. He told me it would take about 2 days and he was getting 2400 for it. We took a shower together. I washed his back and rinsed him off. He loved it. I loved it too. Taking care of my man in the shower. He left after that, kissing me and telling me to call him.

We talked this morning. When I first talked to him, he was short with me telling me he was working and that the job was going to take the whole week. I was just like okay. He said he would call me later. I said okay. I was dissappointed I felt like he could have said more. He called back a few minutes later. "Thank you for coming to see me yesterday. Did you mean what you said about it being the best?" "Yes." "You wanna lock me down?" "Yeah" "Why do you like me? Don't sugar coat it." I told him why. "Okay, I'ma get you to sing for me later."

There is something about Flow. From the moment I met him something drew me toward him. Something deeper than either of us realized at that time. We only felt the tug pulling us together. I guess that is what I felt yesterday when I drove to see him. I have a feeling he'll take care of me and make me feel special. I like that he works hard for his money. I like that he's always doing something. His life seems exciting and I'd love to be apart of it. He feels good to me. We fit together well physically and mentally. We complement each other. Last night was magic.

I called Sug yesterday. He was talking about sucking dick and eating pussy. I really wasn't feeling it. I just wanted to see how close he and his wife were to getting together. I questioned him about several things he was saying. About how he and his wife sleep in seperate rooms but she found the emails between us and was furious with him. If I was his wife and I was sleeping in a separate room from my husband, I would almost be assured that he was sleeping with another woman and I wouldn't be surprised if I found out it was true. It's ridiculous that he expects me to believe the shit that is coming out of his mouth. Does he even think about wether what he is saying is logical? i'm not an idiot.

Radio called me to tell me that his brother was in a coma. He gets a new brother every month. I don't know what to think about him. One brother has cancer, one crashed his car, one is cute like TI, one is in a coma. I don't get it. Anyway, I guess I should believe him and feel sorry, but it's hard. I feel bad for him, because if things work out with Flow, I can't have him here later this month. I have a feeling he's gonna pull out of that anyway and maybe this brother in a coma story will lead to that. I know what, his funeral will be the weekend he was supposed to come. I already told him that he should probably postpone the trip since he didn't really have the money for it. I don't know why he feels he needs to make up this story. I am so cruel, but really I don't believe him. He also was about to go off on me today. I sent him a message on Sat telling him saying "Put me out of my misery." I had been calling him and I was really bored out of my mind. So I sent that message. He calls me today like, "What's up with you? What is this message about? I been going crazy thinking that you killed yourself or something. All types of things went through my head. I didn't know what was wrong." I was like no this negro ain't about to go off on me about a silly message that I sent 3 days ago. Why would he even take that seriously. If my friend sent me that I would call her and if she didn't answer I'd be like oh she is probably just mad about something. I wouldn't think she killed herself and start worrying what in the world was going on, especially if my brother was in a coma. He can be so simple sometimes. one dimensional, concrete world. Maybe he has asberger's (sp?). I don't know. He just gets weirder and weirder. Is he forest gumping it? I mean if he went to community college, why is he working for the post office and doing janitorial work. Seems like he would have a salaried job. I don't know, though. I'm starting to think he is slow, mildly retarded. The other night He was like "Secondary and Thirdary." I said "Thirdary? You mean Tertiary?" He had no idea what I was talking about. SIMPLE.

Well I'm feeling Flow right now. I think we can make something out of this. I can't wait to here from him tonight or tomorrow.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Tired of Wanting

I've been in tears during much of my alone time today. Of course I had to suck it up for class, but now that I am home again, it's hard to fight.

Flow is still around, but he has slammed on the breaks and is no longer in Turbo Speed. He says he feels the same about me, but that he also feels sorry for me for what I went through.

I don't want him to stick around out of pity. I am asking alot of him. More than the average man would be able to do. I know that part of him wants to leave me in the dust, I can feel it. If I was a triffling ho and had him fucking me and spending all his money on me, then told him I had HSV or gave him herpes, he would probably jet with out even thinking. But he sees me as this really nice woman that fell into an unfortunate situation and now has to suffer the consequences for the rest of her life. He doesn't want to feel responsible for making things worse. I'm sure part of him does feel a little betrayed by me. I let him say all these things and touch my heart, then I turned around and stabbed him in the heart.

Last night I talked to him and he was cleaning his garage and drinking beer and part of me felt like he was trying to take his mind off things. Cause who just starts cleaning out their garage in the evening after working all day. No one, unless they are having a little hypomanic episode triggered by emotional stress. I'm having a little depressive episode. I guess we handle things differently. He asked me lots of questions last night about how everything developed and then he said the silliest thing. He told me he associates herpes with white people. I bet he doesn't like white people too much, which can translate into him attaching those feelings to me. I don't want him to hate me, but I also don't need his pitty. I'll find someone, although I am definitely feeling like I missed my chance here. But you know what, if it's meant to be it will be and if it's not meant to be, then it was never gonna happen in the first place.

He was supposed to come visit me tomorrow. He had been telling me all week that he was coming. I will see what he's saying tonight. I'm pretty sure he's changed his mind. In which case, I won't deal with him anymore. I will know if the feelings he had been professing are real. If he comes then he probably really likes me and wants to see if he can be around me without thinking, "Man she has herpes." every 5 minutes. If he doesn't come then I know he never really liked me. It's just that simple. No gray areas for me. None of this well he might have liked you but now he doesn't. It's either he always did or never did. Black or white. Maybe that's a borderline personality trait, but its a defense mechanism that works for me. That way I don't have to sit around wondering what did I do wrong and how could I have changed it. Just blame it all on fate or the other person. LOL!

Yep I am depressed. I have this feeling of doom. I feel like a series of unfortunate events is about to happen. I was doing good all summer, but fall is here and it has brought gloom. I so badly want this to turn out good, but...I dont think it's possible and I am usually right about these things.

I forgot to write yesterday about Sug. I met him at 6am near the airport to collect some money. He didn't give me what I asked for, but that's fine. He tried to get me to get in the back of his truck to get some head or nipple action I suppose. I refused. Then he tried to feel me up in the parking lot. I asked, "Don't you want to try to make things right with your wife?" He said, "Yes, but I'm really horny right now." I just thought to myself, "what a pitiful guy." I wanted to roll my eyes. You either want me or you don't.

I really don't want to deal with him anymore. I need an honest man in my life. Everyman I've met since my ex has lied to me. Flow lied about smoking, when I could clearly smell it on him that night. I guess he thought it was covered up, but I have a sensitive nose and I am allergic to ciggy smoke to the point where I get nauseous. He told me he quit. Then I asked him recently when he quit smoking, he hesitated and I was like, "Let me restate that. How much do you smoke a week?" He was able to answer that question. If Flow had told me that he smoked, he probably thought I might have said, "Well I don't like smokers so I'm not boing to have sex with you." I don't know. I guess people lie so they don't have to suffer consequences or to give people the impression they want. I've lied for those reasons. I lie to my parents for those reason, or at least don't tell them stuff for that reason. Makes things go a whole lot smoother and you never have to worry that the truth will come back to haunt you. People have a funny way of throwing stuff back in your face. You open up to them and then later they say remember what you told me and it's like "I don't want to be reminded. Thanks." Sometimes they do it to hurt you, sometimes just to be funny, sometimes to trap you and make an example out of you.

Radio is a liar too. He slept with my cousin before me. I asked him about it and he said nothing happened between them. My cousin had no reason to make it up, so of course I believe her. But he has ever reason to lie. If he said "yes I slept with your cousin", I might have said "well don't think you're going to sleep with me." I let him get away with it though, cause I liked him and she didn't want to have anything to do with him. Overall he's a nice guy and he means well, so why make him suffer the consequences of lieing. He'll continue to lie in the future. Nothing I can do to change it. It's just human nature.

In a way, lieing is a benefit to both parties. Like in the situation of infidelity. If I love my husband I want to stay with him. I want to put all my trust in him. I want others to see what a loving and faithful marriage we have. If he cheats on me, do I really want him to tell me. First of all our picture of a close to perfect marriage would be ruined. If I want to stay with him I have to go through life pretending that I felt the same about him. I would no longer trust him and the relationship would just fall apart. Where as if he lied and covered things up, I would be none the wiser and I could continue loving him and no one would no the difference. I wouldn't have to suffer for his behavior. We'd remain happy.

Maybe I should have continued covering things up with Flow. No, no! I did the right thing. No use dragging things out. I hope he comes tomorrow. I really do. I pray he comes tomorrow. God please let him come tomorrow! Please!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Feeling a little Better

I like Flow. I called him last night and some dude answered his phone saying Flow was asleep. I was put off by that. I was angry at first, because part of me wanted to think that he was avoiding me. He was supposed to call me after he finished his job, but he didn't and now his friend was telling me he was asleep. I just wanted to believe that he was trying to drop me in a really imature way. But this morning I called and he seemed happy to hear from me and told me to call him when I had a break during the day and I did. Tonight I'll wait for him to call me though. His offer is still on the table and he said I could take my time to think about it and that there was no rush. That's so nice. I kinda want to take my time to decide what I'll do about Radio.

Sug is no longer a problem. I wrote him an email about how he's been treating me unfairly. He wrote back saying he would continue to help me out, but that we couldn't be intimate because he and his wife are getting back together. He failed to tell me before that they were separated, but I kinda figured that anyway. He'd better continue to help me, he's made me so miserable and he is clearly a liar. But I have a feeling he is gonna do all he can to keep from giving me anything. I'm just gonna guilt trip him to death. It worked with Curve.

This summer when I went back to my home town for the summer, Curve kept begging to see me. He would say let's meet for dinner this day and let's go to the movies this night. He'd call me on the scheduled day and say "I'm going home to get ready. I'll call you when I'm done." I would go out to his city which was about 30 minutes away just so I'd be around when he would call and he wouldn't have to wait forever to meet me. I'd be out there forever and ever. He would leave his phone in the car, so his wife couldn't check it and therefore he wouldn't answer when I would call. And I would end up going back home. This happened twice and the last time I left him a nasty message about how he's treated me all these years and never given me anything, about how I never denied him unless I had a man and sometimes I'd see him even if I had a man. I just went off. He felt so bad. He told me he would make it up to me and start treating me better. He let me come to his house one night, when his wife was out of town with the kids. We had sex on the beautiful canopy bed in his guest room. He's such an amazing lover. I wish it wasn't so rushed that time, but I had brought a friend over just in case the neighbors were watching, and we didn't want to keep her waiting. She didn't care though. But anyway Curve really loves sex. All men love sex, but he loves the art of lovemaking. He's got every stroke down to a science and it's like he can feel a woman's body giving feedback to his and he responds back with a coinciding change in pace or rhythm or position. It's just awesome. We did it another night in my car. He told his wife he was going out to get condoms and K-Y for them, but we used it for us. That was the last time and the final time I hope. He's still mad at me. I thought more about why. After making him feel guilty about the way he treated me he started giving me money. $100 dollars at a time. He only did this a few times, but he told me he didn't mind helping me because he felt like he owed me. Which he does, for all the years I got second rate treatment. He took me out to dinner once in undergrad. One time. We called each other soulmates, but he only took me out once and never bought me a gift. But anyway, I suppose he is upset that I got this money out of him and made him feel bad, like I was playing him or using him. I was in a way, but I really did feel like he owed me and clearly he felt the same, so...I don't know.

Radio didn't call me last night. I called him twice. He didn't answer. He has some nasty habits though. Drinking and gambling. He plays cards and bets on games and plays the lotto. His excuse is that he's not hurting anybody and he's not doing worse things like killing and robbing. Wooo! I don't like that and if we were seriously dating I wouldn't allow it. But this is just for fun, so he can do what he wants.

Well I miss Flow. I wish I could see him sooner than later. I have 3 image of his face burned in my head. One, when he was in his van looking me up and down and licking his lips. Two, when he was on top of me and his face looked like it was going to burst with pleasure. And Three, after he got out of my car and he looked back at me with a boyish grin and waved. The last is my favorite. I just want to see his beautiful face again.

Sunday, September 23, 2007


I hate men today. All of them. From the classmate, who is too aloof to even ask me out to Flow, who is putting wood floors in a house instead of sitting next to me to Sug who I don't even have to say anything about. Men are the worst. Sorry.

I guess I should be happy that Flow is being professional and not sitting in someones home on the cell phone while he's working or dropping a job to see me. I should be happy he even has a job.

I was watching HipHop Wives on E! and I started thinking about my ex. One of my pet peeves about him is that he was always strapped for cash. It was a big deal to even go out to eat, cause he rarely ever had money. I never complained. I wasn't with him because of money. He was in school, like me. But he would go out and buy stuff like water shoes or DVDs or CD's of bad music no one has heard of. That bothered me. And he had this all or none attitude. He couldn't take me on a trip and ask me to marry him, so he just asked me in my parents living room while we were watching Jay Leno. No kneeling, no ring, no romantic speech, just, "Marry me, I'm serious." The fact that he had to say "I'm serious" tells you how much of a joke it was. I said yes, but I really wanted to say "Are you kidding me? No you gotta be kidding me?" We were engaged for like half of our relationship, maybe more. But he didn't have money and neither did I and quite frankly we probably weren't meant to get married anyway. I had set a date of July 7 2007, but we broke up before that. He also could never settle on any one thing to do. Since 21 he had changed his career goals so many times. I had to think about this when I was deciding to break up with him. Why couldn't he stay focused? He would send me emails about hotel management jobs in China. What the hell? Let's try being a hotel clerk in America first, then maybe manager in China. Even after I talked to him about it, it didn't get much better. It would frustrate me and I had to get out of there.

Flow is focused. He has money. He's really fine. He's really nice. We have some superficial things in common. And he supposedly likes me. I'm still not sure about that. Today I was supposed to find out, but I'll have to wait a little longer. Or maybe I have my answer.

I hate men. I hate men!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Stood up again... and maybe again

You know, I am really tired of my reluctant sug. He stood me up again. He said he had to pick up his son and he wasn't sure if he could see me and get back in time to pick him up. I told him family comes first. But the fact is, he shouldn't have been running away from me all this time. So I'm thinking about just letting him go. I have another reason to let him go. Flow!

Yesterday, he asked me about joining his team, ie starting a relationship. He's moving pretty fast with this. I mean I was looking at him as this really hot guy that just wanted to have sex with me, cause maybe I look easy. But now he's telling me that he thinks I'm special and singing songs to me and talking about feeling something for me and fate. It's so strange. I haven't gone there with a guy in over 4 years. So it's difficult for me to even begin to look at him that way. I have forgotten what I look for in a good man. I have forgotten what it feels like when you start to fall in love. I don't remember what I want in a relationship. I have forgotten everything. I just know that at this point, I don't know enough about him to say I definitely want to be his girl. I know that he's absolutely gorgeous. I know that he is moving faster than I am comfortable with. I know that he is a go getter. I do remember that the last time I hurried into a relationship I ended up with an abusive guy. So what to do? What to do? I could go out on a limb and dive in head first. Put my heart out there and be vulnerable. Allow life to teach me another lesson, maybe one that I should have learned already. I don't know.

But what about Radio. Where does that leave him? I mean he's not chop liver to me. He has been kinda getting on my nerves lately, though. But people do that sometimes. I got kinky twist put in my hair today. I told him and he was dissapointed that I had hair added. I explained that I did it because I'm gonna start working out regularly again and it makes it easier to keep my hair looking nice. But he went on this rant about how one day a woman will have short hair and then come out with long hair the next. I feel like this is such an ignorant point of view, because nowadays women aren't really looked down upon for having a weave. Every where you look women are adding hair. I remember one year most of the black women in my program came back from summer break with much longer fuller hair. My mother adds hair because hers is thinning and breaking as she gets older. I wouldn't where tracks, that is just my preference and I don't want to straighten my hair again, but what others choose is for them. Anyway, Radio made me kinda mad with that. I also get tired of him complaining about his second job. Nobody told him to pick up another job. He wanted to so he would have money for his daughter for Christmas and money to spend when he comes to see me. I told him he should determine how much money he needs and then schedule his hours and days according to that, so he won't burn himself out. He was like, "well I don't want to limit how much I can spend. If I say $300, I'll end up spending $500." I was like "then do $500." Cause I doubt he'll spend more than that, and if he does, so what? Too much stress. But enough to drop him? I mean he's working a second job to come see me next month. I can't just be like "I got a man now." MMMMM? Then again he hasn't made a commitment to me. If anyone should be asking me to be his girl at this time, it is Radio. We've been talking since August and I flew up to see him. Hello!

Flow is supposed to come see me tomorrow. He called to tell me that he was doing a floor for a client and he was going to try to finish it before tomorrow. Doesn't sound good. He better not stand me up. That would make twice in one weekend. A girl can only take so much.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

New Daddy?

Wow. Yesterday, I was going into Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy a mattress pad when a guy in an old van stopped to ask for directions to the grocery store. It was like 1/8 mile away but I didn't know which direction. I pointed around the area and told him it was either there or there. He thanked me and I turned to head into the store. "You have a beautiful smile." I turned back around. "Thank you.", I looked straight into his hazel eyes. He was lighted skined with curly hair. Older looking, yet minimal signs of aging. By looks I would estimate his age to be 31. But listening to his voice and conversation I would estimate 42. He looked me up and down. "What are you doing tonight?" "Studying." "You're in school? Where?" I told him. I stood there waiting. "Well if you weren't studying I'd take you out. I'm from out of town, but I'm doing some work here" "I need to go out. That would be nice." I stood there a while staring, waiting. He sat there a while staring, waiting. Nothing. Something was telling me not to let him drive away and something was telling him not to let me walk away. I decided to break the ice. "Well, let me get your number?" "Is it alright if I get yours?" "Sure." He wrote my number on the cover of a yellow folder. We said goodbye.

He called me later that night and I told him I could meet up with him after midnight. We met in the parking lot of his hotel. Now in glow of the parking lot lights he looked especially good. He looked like Terrence Howard to me, so I will call him Flow (from Hustle 'n Flow). He also looked a little like John Legend from some angles. He was just fine all over. My perfect type pretty much. We talked. He told me about his two houses he owns remodeled. He acted as if he was well off with his 3 cars and recent travels to Vegas and plans to go to Panama and London. He told me he would like someone to travel with him. He wanted to show me the special things in life. He's single, never been in jail, and seemingly a genuinely nice guy. It all really sounded to good to be true. I took everything at face value, knowing that his ultimate goal was to fuck me and he would probably say whatever he thought it would take to get me. At the same time I wanted to believe that he was attracted to me and really wanted to pamper me. I wanted to believe that I had met a sugar daddy without searching online. A sugar daddy spotted me and sensed my natural sugar baby abilities? Maybe...

We got touchy feely in the lot and then I invited him back to my apartment, since he was sharing a room with his business associate. Back at my place he put my bed sheets on while I cleaned up a bit. He took off his clothes and laid down. He then called me to bed. I thought that was so cute. I brushed my teeth and slipped into bed next too him. We began kissing almost immediately and ended up fucking. Flow is very well hung. He ranks number 4 in length and tied with Radio in girth. His performance is slightly better than average, but his a comparitively old guy so I have to give it to him.

I like Flow. He got a little lecturey sometimes, which older guys tend to do. But for the most part the conversation was good. I talked to him when he got back to his home town. I heard kids in the background, but I didn't ask about them. He asked me if he could claim me. I said we would talk about it when he came to see me on Sunday. I'm excited about this. I met a sugar daddy without really trying. Hopefully he is legite. I will find out soon. If he comes Sunday and we just spend the day inside sexing, I'll know he's not serious. But if he takes me out and perhaps buys me a little something and we talk more about his traveling plans, I'll be happy with him. And I can put reluctant Sugar Daddy on ice, so he can chill.

Sugar Daddy has finally started acting like he's interested again. I asked him for money to get my hair done and I think he's planning to come over tomorrow to take care of that. We'll see though. He might start having second thoughts again.

Well, things are looking pretty good.

PS Thanks for your comment Prabir!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I hate him

My Sug is really making me mad right about now. I talked to him for a total of 10 seconds today. He sounded very sad and said he wasn't doing well and alot was going on in his life. I didn't know what to say. I feel like I should do something. I sent him a text asking if I could do anything, but he never answered. I think he's lying honestly. I think he is making this all up to somehow make me feel like he's getting his punishment for fucking me over and maybe I won't feel resentment toward him or the need to get him back.

I wrote his wife an email. I said I liked her music and asked if she did shows in NC. I really am trying to find out if she actually lives here, because my theory is that she doesn't.

I think Sug found someone else or he doesn't have the funds. Simple as that, sans all the lies. I'm gonna get it out of him and I'm gonna get my money one way or the other.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Come Back To Me

Sooooo I called Sug on Friday. He didn't answer, but then called right back like "Hello this is Mr. so and so. I received a call from this number. I was like "Did you erase my number from your phone? You don't know who I am anymore?" He said, "But I have an appointment." I didn't know what he was talking about, but I figured he was trying to cover up. I said, "Okay I see you are busy so I'll call later." He mumbled something and then hung up. Why did he call back? I don't know. Maybe he did erase my number, but no he would still recognize it. I believe or he would have just said, "You have the wrong number." So I feel like by making fake conversation he was trying to appease me in some way. Show that he hadn't forgotten about me, but that he was just busy. I miss him. I want him. I'm getting a new bed and I want him to lay next to me in it.

Today I asked Radio about marriage: Did he want to get married one day? Have his views about marriage changed since he was younger? He said he felt like he was being interviewed or interrogated. I was like just answer dude. He said he thought he would marry his baby mama (he has an 11 year old daughter). In most of his relationships he thought the girl was the one, but not so much anymore. He said he has felt bitterness toward some of the women he's dated and it's made him feel different about relationships. He said the way I feel about wanting to be a single mom is probably a result of my recent break up with the guy I thought I would marry. I don't know. Maybe I will change with time. I mean I say I'm okay with the break up. I get over guys pretty quickly, but I think I don't react to break ups like other women. My sister has commented on this in the past. Honestly I think it's because I spend a good amount of time contemplating the break up so that by the time I actually break up with the guy I have come to terms with it. But maybe this getting a sugar daddy and going to see a guy in another state is my way of acting out. I don't know really. All I know is that I am having a good time. It's a little frustrating but I don't mind not having a normal relationship or dating like women my age. I like being different.