Friday, September 28, 2007

Tired of Wanting

I've been in tears during much of my alone time today. Of course I had to suck it up for class, but now that I am home again, it's hard to fight.

Flow is still around, but he has slammed on the breaks and is no longer in Turbo Speed. He says he feels the same about me, but that he also feels sorry for me for what I went through.

I don't want him to stick around out of pity. I am asking alot of him. More than the average man would be able to do. I know that part of him wants to leave me in the dust, I can feel it. If I was a triffling ho and had him fucking me and spending all his money on me, then told him I had HSV or gave him herpes, he would probably jet with out even thinking. But he sees me as this really nice woman that fell into an unfortunate situation and now has to suffer the consequences for the rest of her life. He doesn't want to feel responsible for making things worse. I'm sure part of him does feel a little betrayed by me. I let him say all these things and touch my heart, then I turned around and stabbed him in the heart.

Last night I talked to him and he was cleaning his garage and drinking beer and part of me felt like he was trying to take his mind off things. Cause who just starts cleaning out their garage in the evening after working all day. No one, unless they are having a little hypomanic episode triggered by emotional stress. I'm having a little depressive episode. I guess we handle things differently. He asked me lots of questions last night about how everything developed and then he said the silliest thing. He told me he associates herpes with white people. I bet he doesn't like white people too much, which can translate into him attaching those feelings to me. I don't want him to hate me, but I also don't need his pitty. I'll find someone, although I am definitely feeling like I missed my chance here. But you know what, if it's meant to be it will be and if it's not meant to be, then it was never gonna happen in the first place.

He was supposed to come visit me tomorrow. He had been telling me all week that he was coming. I will see what he's saying tonight. I'm pretty sure he's changed his mind. In which case, I won't deal with him anymore. I will know if the feelings he had been professing are real. If he comes then he probably really likes me and wants to see if he can be around me without thinking, "Man she has herpes." every 5 minutes. If he doesn't come then I know he never really liked me. It's just that simple. No gray areas for me. None of this well he might have liked you but now he doesn't. It's either he always did or never did. Black or white. Maybe that's a borderline personality trait, but its a defense mechanism that works for me. That way I don't have to sit around wondering what did I do wrong and how could I have changed it. Just blame it all on fate or the other person. LOL!

Yep I am depressed. I have this feeling of doom. I feel like a series of unfortunate events is about to happen. I was doing good all summer, but fall is here and it has brought gloom. I so badly want this to turn out good, but...I dont think it's possible and I am usually right about these things.

I forgot to write yesterday about Sug. I met him at 6am near the airport to collect some money. He didn't give me what I asked for, but that's fine. He tried to get me to get in the back of his truck to get some head or nipple action I suppose. I refused. Then he tried to feel me up in the parking lot. I asked, "Don't you want to try to make things right with your wife?" He said, "Yes, but I'm really horny right now." I just thought to myself, "what a pitiful guy." I wanted to roll my eyes. You either want me or you don't.

I really don't want to deal with him anymore. I need an honest man in my life. Everyman I've met since my ex has lied to me. Flow lied about smoking, when I could clearly smell it on him that night. I guess he thought it was covered up, but I have a sensitive nose and I am allergic to ciggy smoke to the point where I get nauseous. He told me he quit. Then I asked him recently when he quit smoking, he hesitated and I was like, "Let me restate that. How much do you smoke a week?" He was able to answer that question. If Flow had told me that he smoked, he probably thought I might have said, "Well I don't like smokers so I'm not boing to have sex with you." I don't know. I guess people lie so they don't have to suffer consequences or to give people the impression they want. I've lied for those reasons. I lie to my parents for those reason, or at least don't tell them stuff for that reason. Makes things go a whole lot smoother and you never have to worry that the truth will come back to haunt you. People have a funny way of throwing stuff back in your face. You open up to them and then later they say remember what you told me and it's like "I don't want to be reminded. Thanks." Sometimes they do it to hurt you, sometimes just to be funny, sometimes to trap you and make an example out of you.

Radio is a liar too. He slept with my cousin before me. I asked him about it and he said nothing happened between them. My cousin had no reason to make it up, so of course I believe her. But he has ever reason to lie. If he said "yes I slept with your cousin", I might have said "well don't think you're going to sleep with me." I let him get away with it though, cause I liked him and she didn't want to have anything to do with him. Overall he's a nice guy and he means well, so why make him suffer the consequences of lieing. He'll continue to lie in the future. Nothing I can do to change it. It's just human nature.

In a way, lieing is a benefit to both parties. Like in the situation of infidelity. If I love my husband I want to stay with him. I want to put all my trust in him. I want others to see what a loving and faithful marriage we have. If he cheats on me, do I really want him to tell me. First of all our picture of a close to perfect marriage would be ruined. If I want to stay with him I have to go through life pretending that I felt the same about him. I would no longer trust him and the relationship would just fall apart. Where as if he lied and covered things up, I would be none the wiser and I could continue loving him and no one would no the difference. I wouldn't have to suffer for his behavior. We'd remain happy.

Maybe I should have continued covering things up with Flow. No, no! I did the right thing. No use dragging things out. I hope he comes tomorrow. I really do. I pray he comes tomorrow. God please let him come tomorrow! Please!

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