Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

So when I met Flow, I guessed his age to be around 41 based on how he talked.

I got a clue and looked up his criminal record. He said he had never been to jail, but I thought I'd look it up anyway. Well it's true. He has never been to jail, but he has had four misdemeanor charges: a couple of DWIs, possession of cannibis, and damage to property. Not too bad I guess, especially since the latest one, possession of marijuana, was over 8 years ago. But that is not the most shocking info anyway.

See he told me he was 30, even though I told him I thought he was about 41. He explained to me that he was just wise for his age. I told him it didn't matter if he was 50, cause he was cute and young looking.

So I look at this criminal record of this guy with the same name and the same birthday, but different birth year and realize he's exactly the age that I guessed.

I had a special talk with him today about how important it is for him to be honest with me and open up to me about himself and his life. We shared some things with each other. So I feel like he'll be more honest with me from now on.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Took a love test

These are the results:

1. The road represents your attitude towards falling in love.
You chose the short road. You fall in love quickly and easily.

2. The number of red roses represents how much you give in a relationship, while the number of white represents what you expect in return.
You give 100% and expect 0% in return.

3. This question represents your attitude towards handling relationship problems.
You asked the family member to get your significant other. You like to avoid problems and hope that they will solve themselves.

4. The placement of the roses determines how much you like seeing your boy/girlfriend.
You place the roses on the bed. You like to see him/her a lot.

5. This represents your attitude towards his/her personality.
You prefer the person to be asleep, you love the person as the way s/he is.

6. The road to home tells how long you stay in love with someone.
You chose the longer road. You will tend to stay in love for a long time.

It's okay to love

My "big brother" from college is my friend on Myspace. I used to like him alot. He would always give me this wonderful hugs, where he would just envelope my whole body and rub my back down. They would make me melt. But he always saw me as a little sister, so we never went further than hugs. Well I visited him this summer with a couple of friends and he hugged me like he used to. I couldn't help but feel like I should kiss him afterward, but I had to remind myself that's how he hugs and it doesn't mean anything. Then he told me he would take me out to dinner one day. Anyway, today he posted a bulletin on myspace about love. It basically said don't be afraid to love, you will put your heart on the line and you might even get hurt, but to love is to live.

Flow finally stopped being MIA. I called him yesterday and he called me back almost immediately. He was like I told you I would call you when I got back to NC. I was like I didn't hear that. He said he missed me and wanted to see me, but I'm busy with class, so he said maybe this weekend. Doubt it! But anyway, today I called him. We talked briefly. He called me back later and said "I don't want you to commit to me until you love me and you are in love with me. You are far from that." I asked him by "far" did he mean time or quality. He said he hadn't analyzed it that much. I was like oh okay.

Sug didn't come over yesterday. He was busy in court and couldn't get away. I really didn't want to see him either. And I don't want to see him next week, though I kinda told him I would. Even though Flow doesn't want me to commit 'til I fall in love, I am starting to commit. I am slowly purging the other men out of my life to make way for him. He is getting to my heart. I am scared though. I don't want to get my heart broken. I fear that above many things. I think about my "big brother's" bulletin on Myspace and it makes me rethink it all. If I let go and love, I will not regret it because I lived.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

....

I haven't written because nothing much is going on and I've been a little depressed.

Flow dissappeared again. I'm not going to call him anymore. If he wants me to be apart of his life he'll find a way to keep me around. I called his phone, it goes straight to voicemail and then says he can't receive messages. I'm tired of trying with him. If he can't keep it together, I don't know what to say.

Radio tried to dissappear. He said so much is going on in his life, he just needed time to chill out. A friend of his was found dead in her home. He doesn't agree with the way his dad is running his home. He said this is why he doesn't want to be in a relationship, because he's got so many issues and stuff going on. I feel bad for him.

I talked to Curve. We are friends again now. Yea!!! He gave me advise about Flow, but I didn't take it. I should have though, I'd feel better right now. He told me I should write in my journal about myself and how I feel, so I can figure out why I operate the way I do.

Sug is coming over tomorrow. I need money and someone to make me feel better.

I think the progesterone in the mini pill is making me sad. If things get better and I still feel this way, I'll know it's the pill. I'm hoping once Flow get's it together and Sug gives me some other stuff I need, I'll be happy and cheerful again.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Stranger things have happened part II

This morning I started waking up, but I was still dreaming. Suddenly I heard my name called out. It was Flow, he wasn't there and he wasn't in my dream. It was just his voice. I woke up and I knew that I would talk to Flow that day. I got up and started writing in my journal. I wrote "He will call". Less than a minute later my phone rang. I knew who it was. I ran. It was his area code. I answered, "Hello?!" He said my name, just as he had said it earlier that morning. His phones were stolen.

I love him. That's it. This is the man for me. We are officially spiritually connected. I'm serious. I'm marrying this guy.

I have decided to tell him about his Sugar Daddiness. I've been hiding it from him, but I think he knows. I think if I tell him about it, he will start to show more of it. Maybe.

I should be revising my paper to turn in at 2 today, but I just want to think about Flow. I love him.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Stranger things have happened

So I haven't talked to Flow since Thursday. Friday I called and his voicemail box was full. I called Saturday and I got an invalid number message. I called his other number and I got a temporarily out of service message. I called from my other phone and got the same messages, so I know he didn't block my number. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was going to get an Atlanta number, but you'd think he would call and give me the new number. So I'm wondering if he's trying to drop me again or if he just forgot to tell me or what. I'll find out in the coming days.

This is so ridiculous. I'm not happy.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Life is changing

I went to Planned Parenthood today to get some birth control pills. I was very anxious about it and my blood pressure was up as a result. The doctor was concerned about it, I told her I was nervous, but of course she has to tell me that I could be developing hypertension. I was anxious because I've never talked to anyone about birth control before. Infact I vowed never to go on the pill because my mom and sister both had problems having kids and reproductive issues and both used hormonal birth control methods. I always felt that by leaving my reproductive/endocrine system alone, I was avoiding what seemed to be my fate. But now I'm like, I'm having sex and I'm getting older, I gotta take responsibility. I had been wanting to for a while. Curve told me I should and now Flow. And since me and Flow are probably going to be together for a while, it's what I have to do.

Life has changed. I thought I'd be married and starting a family by now. I had done everything I could, short of selling myself short, to make sure of it. But it didn't happen. So now I have to stop dreaming and live my life the way it actually is, not the way I wish it was. Reality. While I was waiting forever in the lobby of Planned parenthood, I read an article in National Geographic Traveler about a wedding ceremony in India. It was an arranged marriage, like many of the marriages there and I wrote down a quote from the article. The aunt of the bride turned to the reporter during the ceremony and whispered "Everyone you see here had an arranged marriage, including me. And I love my husband to death. This is our culture, and it works - because everyone in the family wants these marriages to succeed" The bride and groom walked around a fire and the bride stated, "I was under my mommy and daddy's protection all this time." Then the groom replied, "Now you are under my protection." The bride reminded me of my self. She became excited imagining what the courtship would be like leading up to the marriage, but she was dissapointed when she hadn't heard from him or received any flowers from him. So she sent him flowers to give him a hint. He told her he was very busy with his school work and would make it up to her when it was over. Well he did send her flowers a week before their wedding celebration. But all turned out well. She was very sad to leave her family,but she was happy to be moving on with her new husband. The author said at the end of the article, "Love is behind, love is ahead." Such beautiful words and such a beautiful cultural experience. It's so important to have the support of the family. I think we lose that when we go out on our own and find a mate. We do it backwards. We met someone, get to know them forever, then the families meet, then the wedding, and then we want our families to stay out of it. But it is true that marriages would probably work better if the whole family was encouraging to the couple, no matter what.

I went to Flow's home town to see him again. He sold his house there and came from Atlanta to close and wanted to see me. We got a hotel room. It had large mirrors across one wall and we enjoyed watching our lovemaking. No simultaneous orgasms this time, but I let him come inside me, since my cycles starting soon, hopefully. I found out he has a BA in Business with a minor in Accounting. And he is divorced. He asked me if I wanted him to move near me and keep an eye on me. I was like there's no houses near me. He was like I'll get an apartment. He had asked me earlier if I ever lived with a man. I told him no. He also asked how long I had ever vacationed with a man. I told him 2 days. I don't know why he's asking all this stuff. I guess he's thinking about living together. I've never even entertained that thought in previous relationships. My ex lived with his dad and little brother and the one before that with his gay best friend and the ones before that lived with their parents. Wow, this is my first time dating a man. I guess that is what happens when you become a woman.

While I was in Flows home town, once again men were staring at me. After he left the hotel to go back to Atlanta, I went to Taco Bell (my favorite). The hotel clerk was on the phone and when he saw me, he told the person on the line "Man I wish you could see this beautiful lady walking past me right now." He jumped out of his chair and looked me up and down till he got to my feet. "Oooo and she got some pretty feet. Ooooo!" It was so funny, this dude was like 50 years old. I was thinking "If you could see, would would notice they aren't that pretty. It's the shimmery pink polish" Then in the parking lot a guy was walking by and caught my eye. We greeted each other. "You got a pretty smile." I thanked him. "What's your name?" I contemplated telling him my real name or not. But I figured I never see him again so I told him. He told me his. "Are you taken?" Thought technically I'm not, I said yes. I didn't feel anything like I did with Flow, nothing pulling at me. Besides if Flow and I are going to be exclusive I need to cut my men down.

I'm really trying to figure out how I'm going to let Radio go. We can still be friends, but I think he's going to be hurt. I convinced him not to come down this month, but I'm sure he didn't want to come anyway for whatever reason, money probably. He can be so dumb sometimes. I was watching "Chelsea Lately" on E! and I told him the Kardashians were on and he should turn to it. He did. After that went off an entertainment news show came one and reported something about Justin Timberlake. I commented on it and he said "Oh you're watching E! too." I was like you fool, I'm the one who told you to turn to E! of course I'm watching it. I don't get him. I think he really is slow. And he makes up shit for no reason. I still don't believe he has a brother that has been going in and out of comas for 7 years. The latest news: the doctors want to pull the plug, but his dad doesn't. He just doesn't seem distraught enough. I mean if my brother was about to die, I wouldn't be too cheerful. I mean he talks about it as if he's not really apart of it. Maybe it's a half brother. I don't know and I don't care anymore. I feel bad though.

Sug hasn't called.

Curve called last friday and left a message that I didn't listen to until yesterday. I called him today. He answered but then commenced to have a conversation with an imaginary person. He was like "I'm playing video games. How did today go? Oh, good. Well I'm gonna have to call you later. Okay. Bye." I sat silent on the phone. I hate that. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that with Flow, however his son did answer the phone once and apparently someone snatched it from him and hung up on me. It's good that Curve and I aren't talking. I mean he left just in time for me to meet Flow. It's like he had a cue and took it. I like when life works out like that. Now if Radio could get a cue or a clue!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Thrown for a loop

Flow said to me last night, "I sense some doubt from you." I don't even remember what we were talking about. But I responded, "Yeah I do have some doubts." He immediately went off. "That's something you can't change. That's something I won't deal with. If that is how you really feel about me then I guess this is it. It was nice knowing you." And with that he hung up. I was pissed. He didn't even ask me what I meant. I was talking about believing that this guy really likes me for me and wants me to fall in love with him. Doubts about being in a relationship this soon. Doubts that he hasn't lied to me about something.

I called him back. He answered after the second time. "Are you kidding me?" I couldn't believe him. I felt like he was trying to find an easy out. He was done with me and didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, now that he got what he wanted. I was pissed with him. I explained to him what I meant. He told me that his past girl had trust issues and he didn't want to deal with that with us. He cited when I asked to see his license or said he might be a serial killer. I explained to him that I was a single black women living on my own and I have to be careful. He seemed to understand. I told him I thought he was trying to break my heart. He said, "The only way you get your heart broken is if you are in love. How do you feel about me?" This was so weird, cause just a few minutes before he was ready to end all communication with me, but suddenly he wanted to know if I loved him. I told him I cared about him alot. I said it takes time to build love and I want to get to know him more. He's special. I feel like he put a spell on me cause I shouldn't have feelings like this, at this point. He said, "i'm original. I'm not like anybody else. As long as things are going good I'm fine. But as soon as this is a headache, I'm done. I don't like drama." I told him I don't like drama either. I felt like he was trying to flip things. So I said, "If you really feel like I'm full of drama or either need to get to know me better or you just feel that way and your wrong." He responded, "Well I guess I'll just have to get to know you."

He definitely tried to flip things on me. I think I salvaged myself at the end, by forcing him to take some of the responsibility. He wants my trust bad and I don't know why. This was a desperate atempt to get it. It makes me more weary of him. I mean he could be a desperate romantic or anxious to get me to a point were he can manipulate me easier. Part of me says either way I don't need to be with him. But another part says, he's human. He's afraid of getting hurt too. He's just a little more vocal about it and not willing to comprimise for happiness.

I don't know what to do.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

My Ex

My ex called me on Friday Night. Not the most recent one, but the one from 4 years ago. It was quite out of the blue and unexpected. It's really my cousin's fault. I mean kinda mine and hers. This summer, I put his number in my phone so that we could prank call him on one of our late nights out, a ritual for us. Well she was getting his number out of my phone and accidently pressed the send button. He called me everyday 2 or more times a day after that trying to find out why I called in the middle of the night. I explained to him that it was an accident and I didn't want to talk to him. I hate him. He was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. He disgusts me. I hate him. He told me not to call him anymore cause he was married. I was like obviously you are the one who's ringing my phone off the hook, but it's not a problem. So I thought that was it. But here he was on Friday calling me again.

He just wanted to tell me that he missed me and loved me and that his marriage was going bad. He then went on to tell me that it was my fault that he got married, that it was my fault that our relationship fell apart, and that I knew we should still be together. He was serious. This is exactly what I hate about him. He blamed me for everything. When he was talking I was filled with so much anger and hatred. I just wanted him to shut up and leave me alone. But I was nice. He's got to be crazy to think that I would seriously still love him. I even told him when we were together that if we got married I would kill him. I was serious. I wasn't going to let him abuse me for life. I don't get him. Actually I do. He has borderline personality disorder. Really. Fear of abandoment, unstable relationships, unstable emotions, impulsive, paranoid, demanding. He needs help, but its impossible to tell him that. I tried while we were together but he didn't get it. I hate him.

I don't like hating someone. When I say I hate men, I am not serious. But when I say I hate this guy it's from deep in my sould. It's real. I hate him. I despise him. And if we did get married and he continued his abusive behavior, I would kill him without a second thought and gladly serve my sentence or accept the death penalty.

Okay now on to better things. I still like Flow. Things are great with him, for the most part. He's just so busy all the time. He has so much going on, but it's a good thing. He says he loves money, which is a weird thing to say to a potential mate. I mean it's fine to appreciate money and work hard so you can have money to do fun things, but to love money is kinda bad. Honestly there are a lot of things about Flow that I wouldn't necessarily go for. He smokes black n' milds, he drinks beer, he smokes marijuana (even though he denies it, I can tell), he owns a gun, he doesn't go to church. These are all reasons I would not have given him the time of day several years ago. But now it doesn't matter so much to me. I don't know wether that's good or bad. I think it will turn out fine.

I've been researching the Virgo-Virgo match, since Flow and I are both Virgos, another reason why I wouldn't have dated him in the past. Not the best match but we could make it work. I'm scared. I fear rejection. He's very different from me. I think we both kind of idealize each other, but at the same time really like the real person in us. I want this to work. I think it will be a good relationship for me and teach me alot about life and myself.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I think I heart my sugar daddy

Sug texted me last night. Told me he missed me, wanted me, etc. So I told him he could come over today and he did. We had sex. He gave me my allowance. What more can I say? I did it cause I was a little upset with Flow. He didn't call me back last night. The funny thing is that when I called him today to talk to him Sug knocked on the door and I had to hang up. Flow told me he didn't call back cause he went out to a club to talk to someone about opening up his own club. I think it's awesome how he actually makes these things happen. I'll be interested to see if he really does open up a club in ATL. Anyway, I don't feel too bad about sleeping with Sug. I mean I really did want to move on. But I am not committed to Flow and he's not committed to me. So in the mean time I can do what I want.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Tryna move on, but can't

Sug called me. He had just gotten off his plane. I know he wanted some, but he didn't say. He acted like he was just checking up on me. I couldn't do it though. If I'm gonna be with Flow, then I want to be with Flow only. But now I'm having second thoughts. I tried to call Flow and he has his phone off. He's not obligated to me I know, but I can't help but wonder if he's fucking somebody else. I can't help it. I don't know much about him and that doesn't help with trust. I actually don't believe much of what he says. I can't help it. I believe most men are liars. My last boyfriend was the only one that didn't lie to me.

Men lie about stupid things too. My ex from 5 years ago got me a pleather coat for my birthday. He put it in a bag from my favorite store and tried to convince me that it was from that store. The tags didn't even match. The coat was too small and I told him I would have to take it back. I asked if they would take the coat at that store. He said yes. Why would you lie like that? To the point where you would even let somebody be emabarassed.

I'm on my hate men trip again. I hate men.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Greatest Sex

Well, Flow stood me up on Saturday again. I couldn't get a hold of him until Sunday morning. He said he had left his phone at the job site and the place was locked over night. He coulda been lieing, but I don't care. Since he was talking to me Sunday I decided to send him some pictures on his cell. The first couple were demure. I had on a baby teeshirt and boyshorts. I thought they were cute and sexy. He said that I coulda been more creative. He was challenging me. "Get closer to the camera, get naked." I wasn't sure if I wanted to go that far. "If you send me those pictures, I'm liable to come down there tomorrow and see you." "Yeah right.", I couldn't believe him after all the times he's stood me up. I asked him to send me a pick to get me motivated. He sent me a picture of his cute face standing in someone's yard. So I sent him a couple of new photos in a red g-string. He liked those alot. He wanted more. I sent two more, but he said those were too dark and he wanted some more. I told him no, cause he shouldn't have stood me up on Saturday. He can take some of his on when he comes to see me. I asked when he could come to see me again. He said he needed to finish a few more projects, "I got to make money. Once I make more money I can relax and take a vacation." I couldn't help but think that would be weeks from now. I wanted to see him sooner.



Monday morning he called me, "When do you have class today?" "2 o'clock", I told him. "If you didn't have class I'd asked you to come down here and I'd put you in a hotel." "I have to go to class." "Okay, well I gotta go to Home Depot. I'll call you back in a few minutes."



I thought about it. I wasn't really prepared for class and I had sprained my ankle Saturday night, so I technically shouldn't be walking around campus. I would skip and go see Flow. I tried to call him back to let him know what I decided. He didn't answer. I left a message saying, "I might take him up on his offer." I took my shower and packed my homework and an overnight bag. I put on a sexy sleeveless sky blue wrap shirt over a dark blue tank with fitted blue jeans. I looked fly and 2 hours later the men in Flow's home town let me know it. On my way there I called him but again he didn't answer. I decided that when I got there I would stop at a gas station and call him from a pay phone. While I was at the payphone a guy was staring at me from the passenger side of a van. He was very cute and he couldn't take his eyes off me from one corner to the next. I dialed Flow's number. Of course he answered almost immediately. I figured he would think it was a potential client. HAHAHA! I got him. He was so surprised. He couldn't believe I was calling from a local number. "I thought you had class", he said. Another man in an SUV honked and waved. I smiled. "You said if I didn't have class I could come down, didn't you?" "Yeah, I did. Where are you?" I told him where I was. "Okay I know where that is. I'm coming to pick you up and take you to the hotel." Yes! I'd got him. He was gonna be all mine. heehee.



I was so proud of myself. I don't know why. I mean I went for what I wanted. I took a chance. I figured wether he answered the phone or not he would have to see me at some point. If he didn't answer and I told him later that I went all that way to see him, he would have to make it up to me. But part of me knew that I was going to see him and that payphone trick did it. I hate to have had to trick him like that, but otherwise he wouldn't have answered.



When he came to pick me up he looked over at me from his van, "I can't believe you skipped class." "Are you disappointed?" "No, I just can't believe it." I followed his van to the hotel. He took me in and payed cash for my room. I like a man that pays with cash. I don't know why. It's just so raw to me, so thug. Don't leave behind a trail. Turns me on.

He carried my stuff in and gave me a kiss, "I'm gonna go back up there and work for about another 1 1/2 hour. Then I'll be back to see you. Is that okay?" "Yes" He kissed me again.

About 2 hours later he came back, all freshened up and looking good. We had sex and it was the greatest sex I've ever had. It was just amazing. I felt him in my heart and my soul. It was beautiful. So wonderful that I had a true orgasm (true cause I never experienced one like it before) while fucking him. The emotion was just overwhelming. I felt like the chemistry was perfect. The way he was touching me, everything was perfect. It was so good, I wanted to cry. I told him that it was the best sex I ever had. He couldn't stay the whole night. He had to go to Atlanta to work on a house. He told me it would take about 2 days and he was getting 2400 for it. We took a shower together. I washed his back and rinsed him off. He loved it. I loved it too. Taking care of my man in the shower. He left after that, kissing me and telling me to call him.

We talked this morning. When I first talked to him, he was short with me telling me he was working and that the job was going to take the whole week. I was just like okay. He said he would call me later. I said okay. I was dissappointed I felt like he could have said more. He called back a few minutes later. "Thank you for coming to see me yesterday. Did you mean what you said about it being the best?" "Yes." "You wanna lock me down?" "Yeah" "Why do you like me? Don't sugar coat it." I told him why. "Okay, I'ma get you to sing for me later."

There is something about Flow. From the moment I met him something drew me toward him. Something deeper than either of us realized at that time. We only felt the tug pulling us together. I guess that is what I felt yesterday when I drove to see him. I have a feeling he'll take care of me and make me feel special. I like that he works hard for his money. I like that he's always doing something. His life seems exciting and I'd love to be apart of it. He feels good to me. We fit together well physically and mentally. We complement each other. Last night was magic.

I called Sug yesterday. He was talking about sucking dick and eating pussy. I really wasn't feeling it. I just wanted to see how close he and his wife were to getting together. I questioned him about several things he was saying. About how he and his wife sleep in seperate rooms but she found the emails between us and was furious with him. If I was his wife and I was sleeping in a separate room from my husband, I would almost be assured that he was sleeping with another woman and I wouldn't be surprised if I found out it was true. It's ridiculous that he expects me to believe the shit that is coming out of his mouth. Does he even think about wether what he is saying is logical? i'm not an idiot.

Radio called me to tell me that his brother was in a coma. He gets a new brother every month. I don't know what to think about him. One brother has cancer, one crashed his car, one is cute like TI, one is in a coma. I don't get it. Anyway, I guess I should believe him and feel sorry, but it's hard. I feel bad for him, because if things work out with Flow, I can't have him here later this month. I have a feeling he's gonna pull out of that anyway and maybe this brother in a coma story will lead to that. I know what, his funeral will be the weekend he was supposed to come. I already told him that he should probably postpone the trip since he didn't really have the money for it. I don't know why he feels he needs to make up this story. I am so cruel, but really I don't believe him. He also was about to go off on me today. I sent him a message on Sat telling him saying "Put me out of my misery." I had been calling him and I was really bored out of my mind. So I sent that message. He calls me today like, "What's up with you? What is this message about? I been going crazy thinking that you killed yourself or something. All types of things went through my head. I didn't know what was wrong." I was like no this negro ain't about to go off on me about a silly message that I sent 3 days ago. Why would he even take that seriously. If my friend sent me that I would call her and if she didn't answer I'd be like oh she is probably just mad about something. I wouldn't think she killed herself and start worrying what in the world was going on, especially if my brother was in a coma. He can be so simple sometimes. one dimensional, concrete world. Maybe he has asberger's (sp?). I don't know. He just gets weirder and weirder. Is he forest gumping it? I mean if he went to community college, why is he working for the post office and doing janitorial work. Seems like he would have a salaried job. I don't know, though. I'm starting to think he is slow, mildly retarded. The other night He was like "Secondary and Thirdary." I said "Thirdary? You mean Tertiary?" He had no idea what I was talking about. SIMPLE.

Well I'm feeling Flow right now. I think we can make something out of this. I can't wait to here from him tonight or tomorrow.