Friday, October 12, 2007

Life is changing

I went to Planned Parenthood today to get some birth control pills. I was very anxious about it and my blood pressure was up as a result. The doctor was concerned about it, I told her I was nervous, but of course she has to tell me that I could be developing hypertension. I was anxious because I've never talked to anyone about birth control before. Infact I vowed never to go on the pill because my mom and sister both had problems having kids and reproductive issues and both used hormonal birth control methods. I always felt that by leaving my reproductive/endocrine system alone, I was avoiding what seemed to be my fate. But now I'm like, I'm having sex and I'm getting older, I gotta take responsibility. I had been wanting to for a while. Curve told me I should and now Flow. And since me and Flow are probably going to be together for a while, it's what I have to do.

Life has changed. I thought I'd be married and starting a family by now. I had done everything I could, short of selling myself short, to make sure of it. But it didn't happen. So now I have to stop dreaming and live my life the way it actually is, not the way I wish it was. Reality. While I was waiting forever in the lobby of Planned parenthood, I read an article in National Geographic Traveler about a wedding ceremony in India. It was an arranged marriage, like many of the marriages there and I wrote down a quote from the article. The aunt of the bride turned to the reporter during the ceremony and whispered "Everyone you see here had an arranged marriage, including me. And I love my husband to death. This is our culture, and it works - because everyone in the family wants these marriages to succeed" The bride and groom walked around a fire and the bride stated, "I was under my mommy and daddy's protection all this time." Then the groom replied, "Now you are under my protection." The bride reminded me of my self. She became excited imagining what the courtship would be like leading up to the marriage, but she was dissapointed when she hadn't heard from him or received any flowers from him. So she sent him flowers to give him a hint. He told her he was very busy with his school work and would make it up to her when it was over. Well he did send her flowers a week before their wedding celebration. But all turned out well. She was very sad to leave her family,but she was happy to be moving on with her new husband. The author said at the end of the article, "Love is behind, love is ahead." Such beautiful words and such a beautiful cultural experience. It's so important to have the support of the family. I think we lose that when we go out on our own and find a mate. We do it backwards. We met someone, get to know them forever, then the families meet, then the wedding, and then we want our families to stay out of it. But it is true that marriages would probably work better if the whole family was encouraging to the couple, no matter what.

I went to Flow's home town to see him again. He sold his house there and came from Atlanta to close and wanted to see me. We got a hotel room. It had large mirrors across one wall and we enjoyed watching our lovemaking. No simultaneous orgasms this time, but I let him come inside me, since my cycles starting soon, hopefully. I found out he has a BA in Business with a minor in Accounting. And he is divorced. He asked me if I wanted him to move near me and keep an eye on me. I was like there's no houses near me. He was like I'll get an apartment. He had asked me earlier if I ever lived with a man. I told him no. He also asked how long I had ever vacationed with a man. I told him 2 days. I don't know why he's asking all this stuff. I guess he's thinking about living together. I've never even entertained that thought in previous relationships. My ex lived with his dad and little brother and the one before that with his gay best friend and the ones before that lived with their parents. Wow, this is my first time dating a man. I guess that is what happens when you become a woman.

While I was in Flows home town, once again men were staring at me. After he left the hotel to go back to Atlanta, I went to Taco Bell (my favorite). The hotel clerk was on the phone and when he saw me, he told the person on the line "Man I wish you could see this beautiful lady walking past me right now." He jumped out of his chair and looked me up and down till he got to my feet. "Oooo and she got some pretty feet. Ooooo!" It was so funny, this dude was like 50 years old. I was thinking "If you could see, would would notice they aren't that pretty. It's the shimmery pink polish" Then in the parking lot a guy was walking by and caught my eye. We greeted each other. "You got a pretty smile." I thanked him. "What's your name?" I contemplated telling him my real name or not. But I figured I never see him again so I told him. He told me his. "Are you taken?" Thought technically I'm not, I said yes. I didn't feel anything like I did with Flow, nothing pulling at me. Besides if Flow and I are going to be exclusive I need to cut my men down.

I'm really trying to figure out how I'm going to let Radio go. We can still be friends, but I think he's going to be hurt. I convinced him not to come down this month, but I'm sure he didn't want to come anyway for whatever reason, money probably. He can be so dumb sometimes. I was watching "Chelsea Lately" on E! and I told him the Kardashians were on and he should turn to it. He did. After that went off an entertainment news show came one and reported something about Justin Timberlake. I commented on it and he said "Oh you're watching E! too." I was like you fool, I'm the one who told you to turn to E! of course I'm watching it. I don't get him. I think he really is slow. And he makes up shit for no reason. I still don't believe he has a brother that has been going in and out of comas for 7 years. The latest news: the doctors want to pull the plug, but his dad doesn't. He just doesn't seem distraught enough. I mean if my brother was about to die, I wouldn't be too cheerful. I mean he talks about it as if he's not really apart of it. Maybe it's a half brother. I don't know and I don't care anymore. I feel bad though.

Sug hasn't called.

Curve called last friday and left a message that I didn't listen to until yesterday. I called him today. He answered but then commenced to have a conversation with an imaginary person. He was like "I'm playing video games. How did today go? Oh, good. Well I'm gonna have to call you later. Okay. Bye." I sat silent on the phone. I hate that. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that with Flow, however his son did answer the phone once and apparently someone snatched it from him and hung up on me. It's good that Curve and I aren't talking. I mean he left just in time for me to meet Flow. It's like he had a cue and took it. I like when life works out like that. Now if Radio could get a cue or a clue!


  1. OH, darling
    you are in touch with India.
    What you have written regarding marriage is true.
    I never knew my wife before marriage.
    Surprisingly we are happy.
    In India, marriage fails (as in US)and woman suffers a lot.
    In US, if it fails woman does not suffer.
    Someday i will tell you about our marriage, if you are interested.

  2. If you please go to

    It is written for you only