Sunday, October 7, 2007

My Ex

My ex called me on Friday Night. Not the most recent one, but the one from 4 years ago. It was quite out of the blue and unexpected. It's really my cousin's fault. I mean kinda mine and hers. This summer, I put his number in my phone so that we could prank call him on one of our late nights out, a ritual for us. Well she was getting his number out of my phone and accidently pressed the send button. He called me everyday 2 or more times a day after that trying to find out why I called in the middle of the night. I explained to him that it was an accident and I didn't want to talk to him. I hate him. He was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. He disgusts me. I hate him. He told me not to call him anymore cause he was married. I was like obviously you are the one who's ringing my phone off the hook, but it's not a problem. So I thought that was it. But here he was on Friday calling me again.

He just wanted to tell me that he missed me and loved me and that his marriage was going bad. He then went on to tell me that it was my fault that he got married, that it was my fault that our relationship fell apart, and that I knew we should still be together. He was serious. This is exactly what I hate about him. He blamed me for everything. When he was talking I was filled with so much anger and hatred. I just wanted him to shut up and leave me alone. But I was nice. He's got to be crazy to think that I would seriously still love him. I even told him when we were together that if we got married I would kill him. I was serious. I wasn't going to let him abuse me for life. I don't get him. Actually I do. He has borderline personality disorder. Really. Fear of abandoment, unstable relationships, unstable emotions, impulsive, paranoid, demanding. He needs help, but its impossible to tell him that. I tried while we were together but he didn't get it. I hate him.

I don't like hating someone. When I say I hate men, I am not serious. But when I say I hate this guy it's from deep in my sould. It's real. I hate him. I despise him. And if we did get married and he continued his abusive behavior, I would kill him without a second thought and gladly serve my sentence or accept the death penalty.

Okay now on to better things. I still like Flow. Things are great with him, for the most part. He's just so busy all the time. He has so much going on, but it's a good thing. He says he loves money, which is a weird thing to say to a potential mate. I mean it's fine to appreciate money and work hard so you can have money to do fun things, but to love money is kinda bad. Honestly there are a lot of things about Flow that I wouldn't necessarily go for. He smokes black n' milds, he drinks beer, he smokes marijuana (even though he denies it, I can tell), he owns a gun, he doesn't go to church. These are all reasons I would not have given him the time of day several years ago. But now it doesn't matter so much to me. I don't know wether that's good or bad. I think it will turn out fine.

I've been researching the Virgo-Virgo match, since Flow and I are both Virgos, another reason why I wouldn't have dated him in the past. Not the best match but we could make it work. I'm scared. I fear rejection. He's very different from me. I think we both kind of idealize each other, but at the same time really like the real person in us. I want this to work. I think it will be a good relationship for me and teach me alot about life and myself.

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