Tuesday, November 6, 2007


So I talked to my sister about Flow. I told her that I'm developing strong feelings for him. She's not happy. She never is happy when I tell her good news. Sharing in your happiness is an after thought for her. First she has to ask you a series of questions to prove that you really shouldn't be happy. So she asked me a bunch of questions about Flow. I was able to answer the majority of them, but when she started asking about his ex wife and child I didn't want to share what he's told me and he hasn't discussed the details of his marriage with me. I let her know that she really didn't need to know anything about that. She said I can't possibly have feelings for someone when I don't know anything about them. So because I couldn't answer one thing about him I don't know anything about him. I told her I'm still getting to know him. I don't have to know every detail of a person's past inorder to have feelings for them. I told her it's okay to got with your heart and do what you want and what makes you happy. Sure you risk making mistakes and getting your heart broken. That is life. That is how you grow up to be an old wise person. Why should I be sheltered from that? Why should I be different from anyone else?
My sister is the type of person that feels like she has figured life out. We look at and respond to life very differently. She is 13 years older than me so she does have a lot to share. But honestly she got pregnant as a teen, had an abortion, and then got pregnant right out of college and married her babies father. I've gotten all the way to graduate school without once getting pregnant and not getting married, so I really feel like we've lived our lives differently. She has acknowledged that I am smarter than she was at my age.
She regrets alot of her life. It's difficult for her to get passed her past. I've always been resilient. If I go through something or make a mistake, I get over it and move on, learn what I can. By the next year I might remember what happen but I don't let it cause me anguish. My sister does. She still hasn't gotten over the fact that our dad disciplined us with switches and belts and sometimes we got in trouble for things we didn't even do. Our dad wouldn't give us a chance to explain why we did the wrong thing. It didn't matter to him. My brother and I turned out fine cause we just got over it. We know that pratically everyone shares the same story and that it has benefited us in some way. My dad kept the house in order and kept us out of major trouble. My sister never got over that and she has chosen to raise her kids differently. I don't know how much her approach to life has helped. Honestly I don't think it's helped her at all. Two of her children are on psychotropic drugs and I really get the sense that she is the antagonist of the family.
Anyway, Flow and I were talking last night. I told him about my sister. She was making me second guess my feelings. He said I can't be coached through life and I have to make my own decisions and experience life and learn on my own. He told me to take time to think about how I really feel and what I really want. We hung up and I laid in the bed thinking I don't need time to think about it. I know how I feel and I know what I want. I try to tell my sister to let me live, but she doesn't listen. But ultimately I must do what I want and what I feel is right. So I called Flow back and I told him this. And he was glad to hear that. He sang me this Tony Toni Tone song "whatever you want". He asked how I knew I loved him. I told him cause it feels right. Everything is falling into place and it feels right with the universe. I know he'll take care of me, protect me, and keep me happy. He doesn't have to say it. I feel it. I feel like I'm exactly the woman he needs and that I would fit his lifestyle quite well. He wants to marry me. We have things to discuss before that happens, but I know that's where we're headed. I'm happy. Things are very good with us.

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