Thursday, December 27, 2007

Contemplating (PC Part III)

I went to Chulo's house on Christmas night. We had been texting eachother all day and finally I called him around 8pm and he anwered. He went into this story about his girlfriend. They had a huge blow up and he kicked her out. He asked me to come over and make him feel better. So I did and I brought him a plate of food.

His house is old, but he's remodeling. His studio looks much better than the rest. His girlfriend was also completing her studio there. He'd bought her some nice equipment. He has 5 pitt bulls that live inside and two that stay outside. I'm scared of dogs, but my days of watching Cesar Milan on the dog whisperer have helped me to be more calm around them. Plus Chulo wasn't having any of my scaredy cat behavior. He was like "Come on Mami, don't act that way. " So I had to man up.

We had a nice night and he let me experience the studio. It was really nice.

I can't help but want to take that girl's spot, but I have a feeling he's gonna take her back in. He'll probably marry her and still try to fuck me. He actually asked me about that while we were making love. He said "Can I still have you even if I get married." I thought to myself, why am I always the other woman. He's always playing around about marrying me, but all of a sudden I'm not even in the running. It's ridiculous. But I told him I would. Then I told him if I get married I'm gonna be faithful to my husband, so things wouldn't continue the other way around. He seemed okay with that.

But like I said I want him to drop her. She's no good for him. She's a headache for him and he's really stressed out behind her. I make him feel better, he wouldn't even have any hassle with me. He could keep the studio he made for her cause I would use it for myself. I'd cook for him and keep things clean, I'd even help him remodel. I would love to have someone to come home to and clean up for and make love to. I would love to listen to his music all day long and help him compose beats. I think he would like having me around. I'd have his kid even. Later in life of course, but I'd go half on a baby with him. He's a good guy. I really like him.

I hope that we can really actually be in a real relationship. I want to have his heart for real. Not just to help him get through this time, but to help him get through life. We'll see how it goes though. He says he loves me, but he may just be desperate to feel something for someone. Either way it will all work out. I know.

Flow's wife called me again. I'm sure she found out that he and I were still seeing each other after she talked to me. Well I didn't answer and hopefully she drops it. I don't want to deal with them anymore.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

This time I'm for real

Last night as I was about to walk out the hotel room door and head to what I was hoping was Flow's house, my phone rang. It was him. "You okay? I'm on my way." He saved himself. But he didn't show up until over an hour later and once there he acted like he was going to stay the night. I looked at his wallet and he got really mad. I saw a picture of his son, that was it, but he snatched it from me. He was like, "That's personal." Then his "brother" called him on my phone from Flow's phone. I was thinking "That's personal. He didn't even ask for permission to allow someone to call my phone for him." Anyway, I asked him if he going to be leaving but he didn't say anything, until after we had sex. He was like "I have to go to the hospital. My brother is picking me up." I was dissapointed in him. I should have gone to his home as soon as he left, but I was tired.

This morning as I was packing up to leave the hotel, he called and once again complained about me looking in his wallet, "You should never look in a man's wallet. Remember that for the future." I said "Whatever." and hung up on him. I was tired of his Svengali attitude. I was heading back home but I decided to try to go to the address again. I thought maybe it would be an old address or someone else's address, but there was his van right infront of his home. I called him and called him again while driving around his neighborhood. I called him and asked where he was. He said at a work site. I asked if I could come talk to him. He said no. I thought maybe he could be at work in his suburban. I left his neighborhood and was about to head home, but something told me to go back. I went back and there was his suburban in the drive way. I called him and called him he didn't answer. Finally, he called me back "I was with a customer. You can't keep calling me. I'm working." I decided to park down the street where I could see him leaving and follow him. I sat for about 20 minutes and finally I saw movement at his house. One guy was throwing a football. I couldn't see to who. Another guy walked around the back to throw out some trash. Then his fan pulled out of his street and I started on my pursuit. The light stopped me at a corner and he turned and got on the highway. I thought I would lose him before he noticed me following him. The light changed and I got to the exit. He had stopped on the side of the exit ramp and someone that looked like his cousin was running across the lane to pick up some strip of material off the road. I stopped for him and stared into the side view mirror. As his cousin got back in the van I waited for Flow to pull back out onto the ramp. He looked in his side view to see if he was clear. He stared right back at me and kept looking. I started smiling cause I knew he saw me. Once on the highway he started looking around the car and in his rearview. I could tell he was telling people in the car I was following him. He pulled off the next exit. I kept driving on to go home. I looked at my phone about an hour later and realized I had it on vibrate and he had called me several times.

I'm not calling him back. I think I accomplished what I needed to be able to move on. He lied. I knew he was lying. I proved it and he saw that I knew it. That's enough for me.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I don't really wanna go

Well I'm sitting here alone in a hotel room in Flow's home town at 9:56 at night. Why?

He called this morning to let me know that his sister was in the hospital with a high fever. She just had major surgery last week and she's still in the hospital. From my experience people only stay in the hospital long if they have complications after the surgery. Otherwise they ship people out after a day or two or send them to rehab. Maybe she's in rehab. Anyway, so he asked me to come to him. I should have just said know. But I came.

When I got here he took forever to come meet me. Then he told me that he was working today and he wasn't going to be able to spend much time withe me. Then he told me he may not be able to spend the night with me because he was going to sit with his sister at the hospital. Now I hate to sound mean, but I don't believe him at all. Honestly I don't even think his sister is in the hospital. And is she is, the woman has a daughter and a boyfriend that can spend the night with her. He claims they don't get along and if I was sick in the hospital and I didn't like my brother, I wouldn't be too excited about him staying overnight with me. But like I said I don't believe him at all.

Flow is probably at home with his wife and 3 kids. I just called and he picked up and then hung up. I tried calling back and he didn't answer. So if he does call back I know exactly what he'll say. I was at the hospital with my sister and I'm gonna have to stay with her. Or he'll wait 'til tomorrow when I call him and say something similar. He's is such a liar and I am foolish for dealing with him. I know. And this is the last straw. I'm ready to drop him. I'm ready to let go.

Actually I'm ready to see if the address connected to his business on the yellow pages is his house and if he is there.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I did it (PC Part II)

I was bored.
I was wrong.
But I did it.
Yesterday I noticed Papi Chulo online on myspace. So I asked him a question about the music on his page. I don't know why. I think deep inside I was hoping he would want to see me, but still I wasn't quite sure I wanted to do anything. Well he asked me what I was doing that night. I said nothing. He asked if I wanted to see him. I said sure. He asked if I could where a black thong and bra set. I started thinking great I'm going to meet a serial murderer who like to kill women in black thong and bra sets. I told him I didn't have a set because I buy my stuff a la carte. He LOL'd and said he would buy me one for Christmas or Valentine's. Why do men lie?

Anyway, I told him I had a black thong and he said wear that. He told me where to meet him and told me I could drive his car back to my place. Well I drove out to meet him at a gas station. When he pulled up and got out of his car the first thing I noticed was how short he was. I was taller than him in my heels. But the second thing I noticed is how cute he was, so I could overlook the height deficit. He looked exactly like his picture. Short black hair, big juicy lips, hovered by a thin stache and long eyelashes. I love long eyelashes on a man.

Anywho, I drove his car back to my place. He explained to me that he couldn't drive at night because he just got his licenced revoked for a DUI. So we go get some drinks from Harris Teeter and go to my apartment. While in the car he tells me, "you know you're in the presence of a legend." I said really. He went on to explain about his business and how nobody can mess with him and made himself out to be some kind of big boss or something. Which honestly he probably is locally with all the local artists he works with and being in a gang and all.

So once we got in my apartment I was my usual paranoid nervous self conscious self and I immediately started drinking the Mike's Hard Lime he bought me. He wanted to hug and cuddle at bit. He complemented me on my teeth, lips, thighs, and ass. It was a nice start. Then we kissed. He likes to suck when he kisses. That's definitely something I am not used to. It can be igniting, but it hurts a little. Then we proceeded to take off our clothes and he was engrossed by my thong clad behind. "You got a big ass mami. You just swallow up that thong. I like that. Let me kiss it. You got the best ass in the world." Why do men lie? So then we started getting hot and heavy and he he pulled me up to sit on his face. I was like I can't believe he's doing this. I just met him. But he's a freak obviously. So he licked and licked and he was pretty good. So I gave a little of the same and then the real sex started. He has a nice thick schlong. It was dark in the room but it looked perfectly straight and proportional. He's not circumcised which most latinos aren't. I had only experienced an uncircumcised penis once before with a dominican guy I used to mess with in college. But I consider dominicans black because well they are. He kept giving me these long slow deep strokes which felt really good. And he was talking to me like the whole time. "Can I give it to you like this mami? Am I going to slow? You like that mami." It was great. Then he started going really fast and then slow again and medium and then he went on his side and gave it to me like that. It was blowing my mind. It was like he was composing a track on my body, with different tempos and textures and colors and moods. It was so good. I loved it. We did it twice that night. The second time something happened that never happened before. I got really tight out of now where and I could really feel him inside me. He was like "Your pussy is sucking my dick mami." I was like yeah cause you feel so good. He did feel good, but I didn't know why my vajayjay decided to tighten up like that. When all was done. I laid my head on his chest. It felt so perfect laying in his arms. Then he began to explain to me about how 911 was an inside job. He is a true conspiracy theorist. He told me about aliens living in the earth and the CIA/Big Brother and he's a huge proponent of Ron Paul a 2008 presidential candidate. It's funny because I like Ron Paul too but he says "they" won't let him be president because he's gonna fix everything. It was interesting and I was happy to listen to him. He told me I was a good listener and I probably think he's crazy now. Yes I do think he's a tad crazy but I like it and he's a good lover. One thing I noticed is that when he was talking he kept doing dome weird thing with his breathing. It was like his breathing would get stopped up suddenly and then open up again. He later told me that he has trouble swallowing and one of his tonsils got really big when he was little and never went down. I think he might have a tumor, but he says he has no health insurance to get it checked out. I look at it next time we're together.

Flow called me today. We talked pretty much the whole afternoon. I was very happy with him and he seemed to be in a good mood. He's coming here tomorrow to spend hopefully the whole day with me. I am truly looking forward to that. I haven't seen him in such a long time and I'm craving him. I want to run my fingers through his hair and stare into his greenish grayish brown eyes and love him down! I can't wait. I been doing kegel excercises all day.

I talked to the ex I hate. He is such an idiot. He called this morning to tell me that he thought about what I said about how he doesn't listen to anybody, particularly the women in his life, when they tell him what he's doing wrong. He said "I just have the natural ability to only listen to wise counsel. You are not wise. You have never been through anything in your life. So why would I listen to you." Hmml, his last little sting. I just told him to ask his wife what she thinks of him. She knows him most intimately and she'll tell him the truth. He didn't like that. He let me know he wouldn't be asking her. I told him that he'll never be able to be in a healthy relationship with a women until he's willing to acknowledge where he needs to change. Of course he didn't agree cause I'm not wise enough. Aaaarrrgh he makes me mad. His very existence is an abomination to my soul. I hate him.

Why do I attract or am I attracted to men without moms and dads? My ex that I hate's parents abandoned him, Flow's parents died when he was young, and XXXXX's parents were murdered. I don't know.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Oh Hum... (PC Part I)

I talked to the ex I used to hate and hate once again today. We always end up talking about our past relationship. I asked him some questions from my mini DSM-IV book. One question was "when you get angry have you ever hit someone?" He said no. I asked "Not any more?" He said I never hit you. I said you punched me in the arm when I told you to shut the fuck up when you were yelling at me while I was trying to park. He denied it. Then said "You hit me". I asked "Do you remember punching me in the leg repeatedly after you said I insulted you infront of my family?" He said, "I did not. That never happen. That is a lie." We got into a big argument and by the end he was like "I just need to know if we are going to have sex." I said "I cannot be intimate with you because you will not acknowledge that the issues you have keep you from being able to have an intimate long term relationship with a woman." He said "Well that's fine. Thanks for letting me know. That will be it for us." The boy is demented. I really wanted to tell him that he has too many feminine qualities and he needs a women with more male qualities that will balance him out. I think the fact that his mom, father, and grandmothers have abandoned him throughout life have affected him more than he is willing to let on. I told him when we were together he should see a therapist about it, but he won't do it.

Flow went to ATL without telling me. He's such a cutie I know he probably picked up another girlfriend there if he doesn't still have the same one his wife said she found out about before. He's supposed to be back tomorrow and said he'll call me. But I learned recently that means I should call him.

A Papi Chulo is tryna sleep with me. He discovered me on myspace. He is an independent music producer in a nearby city. He says I'm fine and he has a girlfriend but he wants to have sex with me. I need to remember to get that "I'm a slut" tattoo removed from my forehead. Men...ugh. But I've always wanted to sleep with a latino guy. He's very attractive and muscular with thick lips and hazel eyes, so i'll think about it. If Flow shows a little more consistence, I won't have to. But Chulo gave me his number and I'm gonna used it if I have to.

Meanwhile, I talked to Das Weiner on the IM. He let me know he has a girlfriend by saying "I gotta run (girlfriend coming)". Oh thanks for letting me know. I guess they are going strong maybe. He seems to be hiding me from her. Other than that he didn't say anything. He did say he'll send me more money in the future. Yay me!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Let it Flow

Das Weiner answered my email. He sent a picture of him sitting at his desk at work. I sent a picture of me sitting in my car. I was expecting him to be really anxious to get my number but he didn't even mention it. I asked why he gave me money, but he hasn't answered yet. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he meant to give it to his sister, both our names begin with K. I don't know.

I guess Flow and I are officially back together. He asked me to marry him over the phone. Of course I said no and told him if he was really serious he wouldn't ask over the phone and he would provide an engagement ring. He said "You'll get the ring when you say I do." I was like no and I explained exactly the way the process should occur and told him when he's serious he'll do it right. I also told him that I had been proposed to twice in similar ways and I've never been married so...what does that tell him. I said yes both times. But if a guy is really serious he'll do what he's supposed to do. Get down on one knee, tell me how he can't imagine life without me, and then pull out a ring. Now this was all after he asked me why I love him and then corrected my reason for loving him. I mean if you don't like the reason I give for loving you then why would you ask me to marry you 5 minutes later? I don't know. And then after all this, asked me if I was fucking some other man. Flow is just so emotional. I really would like to have a good relationship with him, but he's starting to make it difficult. He's gonna have to move me up on his list of priorities and start romancing me a bit more. I'm still a woman. I can be patient, accomodating, and understanding but I'm still a woman that wants to be nutured and cared for.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

And out of nowhere...

I was looking over my bank statement on line this morning and I noticed a strange deposit from and account I wasn't familiar with. I started to panic a bit thinking ID theft, but why would a thief give me money. Then I looked at the details of it was from an old flame. He had my account info because I let him borrow some money a long time ago and he payed me back by just depositing the money directly in my account. But he finished paying me back last year. And after he payed me back he stopped calling and stopped answering, so I erased his number from my pone. So why did he put $5 in my account today? I have no idea. Apparently he want to contact me. Well I don't have any other way than to try to go through AIM but he hasn't been on there since like '04. I sent an IM and email. All I can do now is wait.

His nickname is Das Weiner. My cousin and friend made that name up for him when I showed them his house back in under grad. It had a traingular roof like the local Das Weiner drive thru. He was a Navy sailor. I remember two things about Das. 1 he had the biggest dick I'd ever seen. The first time we tried to do it, we couldn't. He was just too big. I brought some lubricant the next time and it was successful, but...and this brings me to the #2 most rememberable thing about...It lasted about 2 minutes if that long. Everytime we did it, it would be over after a couple of minutes. It was dissapointing. I still liked him though. He was a nice guy, but poor. He never took me out and I let him borrow money a couple of times. He paid me back everytime though and he always used condoms.

I met Das on the night i first smoked weed. We (friend, and I) smoked at my 2nd big brothers house. My cousin was there but she opted out. We went to a jam afterward and I was still a little high and feeling free. I noticed a cute light skinned guy starting at me. He was actually siting 2 feet away from my cousin and would not take his eyes off me. I sat right next to him and started a conversation. He asked me for some of my gum. We danced a bit and then snuck away into a corner. I wanted to make out with him, but I didn't want to look bad in front of cousin and friend and other people from school. He whispered in my ear, "What's up with getting with you tonight?" I said, "What's up with getting to know me first." He was a little stunned. But he took my number. I didn't think he'd call.

He surprised me a couple of days later with a phone call. He invited me and my friends to hang with him and his navy friends on valentines day. We showed up at their house, watched TV, laughed and joked around. They had been smoking weed and took niacin to try to purge their systems. Das asked me to follow him into the kitchen. I did and he showed me how his skin was turning red from the niacin. Then he put his arms around me and kissed me. It was pretty romantic, then it got raunchy and he started lifting up my skirt. I had to slow him down. He really caught me off guard, but I loved it. A week later I decided to give him some since he was going out to sea soon. While he was out to see, he asked if I could send him naked pictures of me. I told him I didn't have pictures like that, but i told him I would send him pictures of girls from onlline. He liked that so everyday while he was away that's what I did. When he got back we started seeing eachother again. It lasted quite sometime, but I knew he wasn't exclusive. He told me early on that he didn't want a girlfriend. When the school year was over he did drive the 20 minutes to my parents house to bring me back to his house so we could have sex. He met my mom but he was so nervous.

Years later he told me that he was stupid for being nervous around my mom. He wanted me to be his girl. But I was with my most recent ex. That was back in '04.

Anyway I don't know what's gonna happen next.

Talked to the ex I used to hate. He is already to divorce his wife and be with me. I'm trying to get him to pull the reigns because he doesn't know what's going to happen with us and he is already starting to get on my nerves. He told me to shut up, go to hell, and called me diabolic all in one conversation. To him it's joking and being funny, but to me it's going to far. I try to tell him, but this dude doesn't back down. I'm sure his wife will be glad to get rid of him, sounds like they argue alot.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Gosh Darnit

I broke down like an idiot big time. I did like 20 million bad things today out of boredom. Someone stop me.

I talked to my ex. The abusive one that I hate. Well I guess I don't hate him as much cause I IM'd him today and we talked for a while. Next thing I knew I was watching him masturbate on his webcam and promised to go out and have sex with him this Saturday. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I desperate? What is happening?

Then I broke down and text messaged Flow: "You must be back with your ex. Ike Turner is dead." He didn't like that message at all. I told him I was upset cause he hung up on me. He said his phone battery went dead. There's something wrong with it and he's gonna get a new one tomorrow. I felt like an idiot. The phone went dead again. He called me back and said he would call me when he got a new phone. He also said that he had been at the hospital all day with his sister who had vascular surgery. And his wisdom tooth chipped and cut his tongue so it's been uncomfotable for him to talk. Anyway, he's like not happy with me at all. I'm officially a headache now, I guess. I can't help it. I know I'm being annoying but i can't help it.

I've also been talking to my most recent ex. But nothing is going to come of that. He contacted me first, just wanting to know how I'm doing. I'm just waiting for him to be like "I miss you. I love you. Let's get back together."

I really don't want to be with anyone right now at this exact moment. I'm tired.

I didn't pay my rent this month. Sug said he'd help me. He never came by earlier this week. But he said he'll try to put something together by tomorrow.

I reposted my profile on the sugardaddy site. There are a lot of new SD's on there though, so I was kinda excited.

I really hate my life right now. If I died right now, I would not be upset. I don't think anyone else would be too sorely upset either. Sure they'd be sad I'm gone and cry, but no one would be lost without me. That is a sad thought. But I think about it sometimes. I barely keep up with my family as it is. I would never kill myself or anything. That's out of the question. Then I think about how so many people have it a lot worse off and would love to trade places with me and it gets me through another day until I feel on top of the world again. Sounds bi-polar, but I'm not. I just get really down sometimes. My most recent ex was the first to really pick up on it. He would try to help me by writing long letters about how I should talk to other women in the church and stop being such a sinner. It would just make me feel worse and resent him, which ultimately led to our break up. I mean who wants their boyfriend chastising them all the time, looking down on them for their shortcomings. Not me.

Who's gonna be able to deal with me?

I'm about to send my ex I used to hate an email. Stop me! Too late. Arrrrg.

He wasn't all bad. He gave me flowers, lots of gifts, took me out all the time, gave me spending money, loved me to pieces, and he was an awesome lover. He just would get jealous and needy. He says he changed. My hunch is he has a little, but he could go back into his old ways with the right trigger. I wouldn't let him get out of hand though.

Exit Flow

I got a text message from Flow yesterday afternoon: "Hello, Call me" So I did. I wish I hadn't. At first he acted like he just wanted to say hi. Then he says, "I want some and I don't know what to do." I asked him if he had any ideas. He said, "No, do you want some?" I told him I just wanted to see him and if I got some in the meantime that would be great. He said, "You don't seem to excited." Well I'm not. I was a little hesitant. I was scared. What if he's setting me up. He could have spent this time away plotting a plan against me. He had to get off the phone and said he would call me back. I waited a while and decided to call to see if he wanted to meet that night. He said tomorrow(today) would be better. Then he asked me the weirdest question out of the blue. "Where'd you get money from?" I stuttered. I had told him last week that I didn't have any money. I didn't want to tell him I had gotten money from Curve. I said, "Um, I have a little money." The line went dead. I thought maybe we lost the signal. But on multiple attempts to call him back, I failed to reach him. He didn't call me.

So "No more". Curve was right. Flow is ghetto and so are all the people dealing with him. That's not me. I grew up in the country and the suburbs. Ghetto mentality is different from where I grew up. We live by a different code in the burbs. I hate to say a higher code, because the values they hold are a result of their environment. In the ghetto, it's okay to lie to keep people out of your business. It's okay to steal. It's okay to buy cheap stolen goods. It's okay to carry a weapon. It's okay to fight for pride. It's okay to spread your seed around and father lots of kids. It's okay to have a baby at 15. It's common place. Sure there are exceptions but for the most part that's how it is.

Anyway, I can't deal with Flow anymore. There are 3 guys in my hometown waiting for me to get back there for winter break, so I don't have to sit here and deal with his bullshit. He's going to have to come with something different if he wants to be with me.

The 3 guys: Curve, Hugz, and Jokes
you already know Curve.

Hugz is my big brother from college. All freshman are adopted by a big brother or sister. Ususally they pick you after meeting you in class, at a jam or cabaret, or in the cafe. They take you to Walmart and to the parties, buy you alcohol, etc. Often you end up eventually sleeping with them. But Hugz was different. I picked him as my big brother and we never slept together. I did have a huge crush on him though. I remember the first time I saw him in the cafeteria during pre-college. He was such a hottie. I couldn't stop staring at him. A beautiful girl with long hair, in full make up and wearing a cute suit, walked over to his table and gave him a hug. They talked a bit and then she left to get her food. He turned to his friend and said, "She is fine." His friend agreed. After that, I knew he would never be into me. I was this akward teenage girl and that "fine" girl looked like a well put together woman. Besides he didn't even notice me in the cafe.

My best friends in pre-college got around a little better than I did and they had met a couple of big brothers for us to hang with, so we did. We made plans to go to the Omega Psi Phi "Q" cabaret. We were to meet at one of my friends dorms and ride with one of their big brothers and his friends. I was wearing a short black skirt and cute top. A little black car pulled up infront of the dorm. We all looked to see if it was my friends big brother. In the passenger seat I recognized the guy from the cafeteria. I began to get butterflies. "That's him. How are we all gonna get in there? I'm sitting in the back.", my friend called out. I couldn't believe it. I was going to get to meet that hottie from the cafe. All the other girls scrambled into the back seat. I had no choice but to sit in the front in the hottie's lap. I wasn't mad though, I was in heaven. We introduced ourselves and I thanked him for lettting me sit in his lap and being such a gentleman. At the cabaret we danced together but of course he danced with lots of different girls. As the summer went on I learned more about him. I talked to him on the phone, asked him to be my big brother. He was so nice and always a gentleman. But the weird thing was whenever I saw him around campus or at parties, it seemed like he would hug me the longest. It wasn't my imagination. I would watch as he hugged everyone else and it wasn't the same. So that's why I'm calling him hugs. I confessed my like to Hugz once in college and he just said, "oh your very sexy and beautiful but we're just friends." I was dissapointed but it was okay. I just wanted him to stop giving me those long caressing hugs, it was confusing. There was a running joke that he didn't have a scrotum because he never slept with any girls and never had a girlfriend, even though girls were always after him. But he's dated girls that I found out about. Apparently he's very romantic and kinda worships the woman he's with.

So after school I hooked back up with Hugz on myspace. We talk on there every once in a while. He's a salesman and has an internet business (whatever that means). This summer I went to his house with a couple of friends. One knew him through me. He served us salsa and chips and soda, and we listened to music. Then he practiced his sales pitch for a new product. It was cute. When we left, he did it again, just like old time. The long slow hug. This time he looked me in the eyes all sexy and wrapped his arms around my waiste. I put my arms around his neck, cause that just seemed natural and next thing I knew I was fighting the urge to start making out with him. He went to hug everyone else and they were no where near as intimate and long as mine. There he goes again. Well recently he emailed me and asked to take me to dinner, so that's what we're planning to do while I'm home during the break.

I'll talk about Jokes another time.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


So I talked to Flows wife last night. She called me. I told her everything. She told me everything. I wouldn't have done this if Flow wasn't such a liar. He told me that she was his ex wife, which I figured was probably a lie and could deal with it if she wasn't, but since he didn't want to be honest with me and has lied about so many things I just spilled my guts. He called this morning angry with me. He said "Because of you I can't see my son." I asked "if that's your ex, why does she care that much." He didn't have an anwer. I told him I knew about all his criminal history and I knew how old he really was. He continued to lie and deny. In the end I was very nice to him. I let him know that I still cared about him and that I was sorry things had to end like this.

Well...that's it.

I talked to Curve about it. In fact he's the one that told me I should talk to Flows wife. I probably shouldn't have listened to him, since he still likes me, but he was right. I have to look out for myself ultimately.

Sug is supposed to come over tomorrow to make me feel better.

I think I want to start body building. I've actually wanted to do it since undergrad. But this new year I'm actually gonna start. It will give me something to do for myself. I need to do something for me, since no one else will.

I miss Flow