Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Gosh Darnit

I broke down like an idiot big time. I did like 20 million bad things today out of boredom. Someone stop me.

I talked to my ex. The abusive one that I hate. Well I guess I don't hate him as much cause I IM'd him today and we talked for a while. Next thing I knew I was watching him masturbate on his webcam and promised to go out and have sex with him this Saturday. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I desperate? What is happening?

Then I broke down and text messaged Flow: "You must be back with your ex. Ike Turner is dead." He didn't like that message at all. I told him I was upset cause he hung up on me. He said his phone battery went dead. There's something wrong with it and he's gonna get a new one tomorrow. I felt like an idiot. The phone went dead again. He called me back and said he would call me when he got a new phone. He also said that he had been at the hospital all day with his sister who had vascular surgery. And his wisdom tooth chipped and cut his tongue so it's been uncomfotable for him to talk. Anyway, he's like not happy with me at all. I'm officially a headache now, I guess. I can't help it. I know I'm being annoying but i can't help it.

I've also been talking to my most recent ex. But nothing is going to come of that. He contacted me first, just wanting to know how I'm doing. I'm just waiting for him to be like "I miss you. I love you. Let's get back together."

I really don't want to be with anyone right now at this exact moment. I'm tired.

I didn't pay my rent this month. Sug said he'd help me. He never came by earlier this week. But he said he'll try to put something together by tomorrow.

I reposted my profile on the sugardaddy site. There are a lot of new SD's on there though, so I was kinda excited.

I really hate my life right now. If I died right now, I would not be upset. I don't think anyone else would be too sorely upset either. Sure they'd be sad I'm gone and cry, but no one would be lost without me. That is a sad thought. But I think about it sometimes. I barely keep up with my family as it is. I would never kill myself or anything. That's out of the question. Then I think about how so many people have it a lot worse off and would love to trade places with me and it gets me through another day until I feel on top of the world again. Sounds bi-polar, but I'm not. I just get really down sometimes. My most recent ex was the first to really pick up on it. He would try to help me by writing long letters about how I should talk to other women in the church and stop being such a sinner. It would just make me feel worse and resent him, which ultimately led to our break up. I mean who wants their boyfriend chastising them all the time, looking down on them for their shortcomings. Not me.

Who's gonna be able to deal with me?

I'm about to send my ex I used to hate an email. Stop me! Too late. Arrrrg.

He wasn't all bad. He gave me flowers, lots of gifts, took me out all the time, gave me spending money, loved me to pieces, and he was an awesome lover. He just would get jealous and needy. He says he changed. My hunch is he has a little, but he could go back into his old ways with the right trigger. I wouldn't let him get out of hand though.

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