Friday, June 6, 2008

The Side Effects

Side Effects feat. Young Jeezy - Mariah Carey

Well I've been talking to the new Craiglist guys. The married 41 yo wants to get ice cream this weekend. He's kinda boring and we don't have much in common or much to talk about. I mean we have interesting discussions but they are pretty superficial. He's a handsome guy, but not what I expected. The 22 yo is pretty cool. We have alot in common. I invited him over after a few convos over the phone. He is much fatter in person. Sorry I have to say it that way. I don't know. I thought he would be more fit since he likes to jog and workout. But he's not. I don't mind a little belly, but I like cut arms. His arms are fat. He's still cute though and he drives a BMW. I'm not that into cars but I still think it's cool that he drives an expensive car at 22. He's building his own business with his father and right now is in the funding phase, so he's been meeting with different organizations. His head is definitely in the right place. But he is young and he is scared of bugs. I mean this boy was about to freak out when we walked pass a group of moths flying around the light outside my apartment door. We were headed to the laudromat/bar/billiards. I drove and when he got in my car he was like, "I feel something crawling on my back." And he started swating at his back. I really wanted him to calm down. I don't know about that. I need him to be a little more maucho about insects.

Glimmer and I have been playing phone tag and text messaging each other all week. This morning we finally talked and he said he wanted to see me soon. So I might be going over there or invite him here tonight.

Burbs sent me an email. He was a like I'm sorry I've been so busy with my business but I haven't forgotten about you. Dude it's been like 3 months. I wanted to curse him out, but I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to talk anymore. We'll see what he says to that.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I lied

Well I was telling the truth at the time, but things change you know. I'm still avoiding relationships, but I didn't stick to my bread and butter men. I picked up a new guy. I couldn't help myself. I've been horny all weekend and I just needed some loving. Of course I could have prayed or fasted or something, but I decided to hit up a dude that tried to holla at me before Skittles.

He's a local guy who works as a welder for a construction company. He is lightskinned, 6ft, medium build, and very very attractive. He looks even better in person than in his pictures. He looks like TI, but with a stronger jaw and taller. He has gorgeous eyes. They are all squinty like TI's and he has this natural glimmer in his eye. So I am gonna call him Glimmer. I know that sounds girly, but his real name is girly, so it works. Anyway, I sent him a message on myspace Saturday, but he didn't answer until Sunday. After a little superficial conversation, we made plans for me to spend the night at his place. Why does he live right down the street from Undercover Brother? And why did he choke me like Undercover Brother? Skittles was into that erotic asphyxiation too. I still don't know if I like it. I mean sure it brings me closer to orgasm but at the same time I'm about to lose consciouness. Who isn't afraid to pass out? Especially during sex with someone new. You might wake up in a rug in a dumpster.

Anywho, Glimmer was coming from his homeboys house, where he was using the computer and I ended up getting to his place before him. He lives with his brother and his brother's girlfriend, so he told me I could go in if I wanted. I was like That's okay I'll wait for you. So we talked on the phone for 10 minutes til he arrived. He was hungry so I hopped in his car. Gosh he was so cute. I was like "You are really cute." "Thanks so are you!", he smiled and his eyes beamed. I smiled back and couldn't stop. Everytime I looked at him he looked at me and I'd get a rush of giddiness. I told him "I smile all the time and now it's gonna be worse cause you are so cute." He was like "Oh that's a good thing."

We ended up going to Cookout. I told him I get heartburn, so I wasn't gonna eat much. He said, "Me too!". Yea, I have a heartburn buddy! Anyway, it took forever to get our food and he was getting pissy, but I tried to distract him with conversation and this ladies red animal print work boots and cut up shorts ensemble. We finally got our food and headed back to his place.

Glimmer's apartment is nice, but you can tell people live there (shoes and clothes in places other than closets). We ate our burgers and drank our Sprites, got ready for bed. He sleeps with a fan just like me. Yea, I have a sleeping fan buddy! We watched some WEC on Versus. I love Mixed Martial Arts. He was happy to watch it with me. I laid my head on his chest and wrapped my arm and leg around him. A commercial came on and he reached in for a kiss. We have the same kissing styles. He stopped at one point and was like "You got some nice tongue tricks." I read alot of Teen and Cosmo articles growing up. You know the "How to drive him wild", "10 things men love you to do" type articles. So I still use that stuff, it works. He started pushing me down. I laughed and asked, "Why are you pushing down here?" He was like, "I wanna see what you know." So I showed him some more tongue tricks and he had some really nice tongue tricks to show me.

Anyway, so Glimmer has a nice thick schlong that slightly curves up. He filled me up nicely. And his stroke was one of the best. He's strong and he was picking me up and flipping me all over the place. We ended up doggy style and when he came he pulled me back off the bed. I thought he was gonna swing me around the room. LOL! But he put me back down. He layed on my back and said "Damn I wish you had hollered at me on myspace way back." Then he started slapping my ass cheeks. I thought that was funny. Not as funny as Curve's King Kong chest beating or Sugar Daddy's nipple ritual. So afterwards he smoked a ciggy and we went to bed. This morning we hugged goodbye and he called me when he got to work. I sent him a text message cause my phone was dead this morning. I suppose we'll do this again another night.

I also decided to cruise the personals on Craigslist for the first time. I was just interested to see what was up there. Some people just want dates to weddings, parties, or movies. Some want sex. Some want relationships. I found one guy. He describes himself as a 41 yo black man and married. He just wants someone to talk to and hang out with. His post was funny so I decided to check him out. I gave him my YIM name so we'll see how this goes and what he really wants. He has a picture that shows the bottom half of his face. He's light skinned with a goatee and full lips. It's cute so hopefully when he fills in the rest, it will line up nicely.

I don't mind dating married men as long as they're honest about it and don't give the false impression that they want a real future with me. Skittles gave me false hopes of living together, getting married, and having kids. Flow gave me false hope. Sugar Daddy was honest but then he tried to act like he was making amends with her cause he couldn't fulfill his part of the arrangement. Curve lied about his girlfriend (now wife) when we first got together in college, but he eventually told the truth and he never led me to believe we would be more than what we were. I was and still am fine with that.

I'd rather be the side chick than the main chick that gets cheated on. Flows wife told me he had always been a cheater, even before they got married, and she regretted marrying him. Curve was gonna stop cheating on his girl once they got married. I remember our last night together, when I was in undergrad. He showed me the ring and told me he wasn't gonna mess around on her anymore. I was sad I was losing him, but then we hooked up again last summer. So I say once a cheater always a cheater and I don't want to end up with a cheater. Somehow it makes sense to me. Cheat with a cheater instead of being cheated on by a cheater. I know in my heart it's not right but it seems like an okay option right now. My brother and sister both had to deal with infidelity in their marriages. So did a cousin of mine. I wonder if anyone is faithful anymore. It makes me not want to attempt to get married.

Anyway I also talked to another guy from Craigslist. He is 4 years younger than me, but he sounded mature in his post. When he emailed me back, his name came up next to his email, so I looked him up on myspace and found him. He's a cutie, professional guy who make over $100,000/year. Yummy. I sent him my picture. He seems to be interested so I gave him my number. We'll see where this goes. I don't think we have much in common. He likes cars and jogging. I could care less about either of those things. But maybe I'll get a free meal or movie out of it. Or someone to hang out with once in a while.

Purrty Boi is supposed to be coming back from NY next week. We are gonna hook up. I can't help it. He is a sexy boi with his accent. He asked me why I never come for him when he's fucking me. How cute. I told him we need to try different positions. Then he asked me if I would have a threesome with him and another girl. I was like no thanks. Skittles asked me that when we were together. I told him I might. I couldn't tell whether he was serious or just testing me. He would say "So are we gonna pick up another woman this weekend." I was like sure. But we never did. Once, he tried to drop some knowledge on me, "When women turn 30 they get really freaky, so if you wanna do that you need to do it now and get it out of your system." Was that supposed to make sense? Honestly, I've been sexually attracted to some women, but I would never do the lesbian thing. Just like I've been attracted to some white guys, but I would never date one. It would just be awkward for me.

Well, I'm excited about Glimmer. I can't wait for Purrty Boi to get back so I can hear his sexy voice. And we'll see what happens with the Craiglist guys.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Well Well

I decided to invite a few women to my blog. We all have one thing in common. We know Skittles. One was Skittles's newest baby mama. I did some investigating and found her on myspace, after Skittles told me about his twins. But I didn't have any desire to contact her until now. He deleted alot of his friends, but I sent invites to the ones that I thought would be interested anyway. He kept one new friend from Panama City so you know I definitely sent her an invite, just in case he had pegged her as his next victim. I don't know what I thought would happen. I was just hoping I wasn't sending it to all his #1 groupies like I did with Papi.

Skittles called me this evening. I was watching Baby Mama at the theater so I couldn't answer. I decided to take myself out on a date. Of course I picked a movie that had been out for a while, so not too many people would see me looking really lame by myself. Anyway, Skittles left a message saying I was being childish for leaving comments on his slideshow and talking to people. I just laughed. What does he want an apology? I thought about calling him back, but I was like "No I am totally through with him. There is no need and I don't care how he feels right now." So I didn't call him. But I was curious to know what he meant by "talking to people".

Then I get home and check my email and what do you know? I have the following comment on my blog from Skittles's newest baby mama:

First let me start by saying you can NEVER believe everything a man tells you. You may like that person alot, want to grow with that person but never believe that person to the extent of feeling hopeless.

Yes I am pregnant with twins. I did go out the Flordia 3 times to see Skittles as you call him. We had a wonderful time and as we both know the sex is the BOMB...I'm still pregnant because he asked me to keep the babies. He said he would not feel right having his long time LOVE kill his babies. I knew about you and I excepted you because I was not there. He was planning on moving to ATL because I'm moving out there next month. And baby girl he always says FUCK off because he has issues. But, if for 1 minute you think you were the only woman he was FUCKING your wrong, It's you and 2 other woman and the reason for that (per his excuse) is that he didn't want to get attached to any woman because he want to be with me.

I'm not here to throw anything in your face nor am I here to hurt you it's apparent you wanted to know the other side to the story so I'm telling you. 1st let me start by saying NEITHER one of us can be with him fully because he is married. I met XXXXX in high school (18 years ago). we lost contact both got married and moved on. In November last year I found him on Myspace and we started talking, because I thought we were a couple..Ha Ha and our relationship has been off and on, me being in the hospital all the time and him doing his thang..but never did I know he didn't want to be with me nor did I know you were in a relationship..The time you were in ATL with him I was in the hospital getting ready to have my girls early and he never answered the phone(that's my problem). I just want you to know what kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with..

To answer your questions yes there are black XXXXX's and I am pregnant with twins.

Please, listen to me when I say this...YES!! I am hurt and pissed right about now but he is not my world and he can not dictate my feelings about me.. You are a beautiful youg lady and you don't need a MAN to validate who and what you are..Enjoy life to the fullest and be you...

In about 2 hours you can have him and the last thing you have to worry about is me cause he will NOT be in my life of my daughters.

Take care and I wish you the best of luck..

May 30, 2008 7:36 PM


This is a nice close to this chapter. I am definitely not going to be dealing with Skittles again.

All of this has made me reevaluate things. I need to go back to my old picky ways and listen to my gut. No more relationships with men who don't meet the standards. I won't give them a chance to lie to me and get in my heart. I'm just gonna stick to my bread and butter men, Hugz (to fulfill my teen dreams), Jokes (cause I known him forever and he always looks out for me), Das Weiner (cause I really want to go to AZ and he has a massive schlong), and Curve (cause he's my soulmate, I can't get rid of him, and his nosey butt reads my blog).

Hey Curve! Love Ya!

Revenge is a dish best served cold

I just spent the last few minutes, okay hours, posting mean comments on Skittles's slideshow and guestbook on his myspace page. He erased them and privated his page. Spoil Sport! I am very angry. This is like Flow part III or sugar daddy part IV.

I'm sure he wanted to chill with some other chick(s) and get rid of me. How low can you go? He went to Panama City for Memorial Day. He didn't even call me the whole time he was there. Probably because he was with some chick. He also told me that he spent the night in jail when he came back from ATL, but I bet he spent the night with another woman. Joker! And all these nights when he says he's at the club alone, he is probably taking other women home.

Tell me, why would you say that you really want to be with a person when all you really want is to fuck them. We are all adults. Just say what you really want. We can negotiate. He's fucked up. How can you have a daughter and not even care to meet her until she's 8 and has a new daddy, a real daddy? Well hopefully he has better luck with his alleged twins on the way. I don't even think I believe that anymore.

I've decided I'm gonna fuck Hugz. I've wanted him since college, now my teenage dreams can come true. And I'm gonna enjoy it. It's gonna be like totally wonderful. And I can start shaving again. Skittles liked hair. I prefer none or only a little. LOL!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

So Gone Over You

Well that's the end of Skittles, the lamo limo driver/ex-con/current liar/wanna be rapper from Florida. He broke up with me in such a lame way. Over the YIM. Can you believe? I would give details but there really aren't any to give. I got mad at him for joking around about wanting to kill himself to mock me. And after that we just couldn't get along. Today he was like you don't want to talk to me, then fuck you. And that was it. Well good riddens!!

The Ex I hate wants to have sex with me. I might as well go ahead. I doubt I'll have any better luck with men.

I've been in touch with my most recent ex. He is finishing up his master's in medical physics and he has a big job interview for a hospital in my hometown. I am so stupid for leaving him. I went to visit over Mother's Day weekend, cause I wanted him to see how much weight I lost. He said I looked good. But I doubt he'll take me back. He is probably like thank God I don't have to deal with her crazy ass anymore.

Skittles is a big fat loser. Papi is a loser. Flow is a loser. Oh yeah Skittles said he heard about Flow through some kinda grapevine that I wasn't aware existed. The world is just too small for me. Hugz is a loser. I sent him a text message like "I wish you were mine." He was like "Oh you will find someone better than me someday." Loser! He could at least pretend he is interested in me behind heavy petting on a Sunday night. Arrrrgg!

I just can't seem to get it together. I still want to quit school. I am going to...I don't even know. I thought about trying to get my ex back since he's gonna be working now. But that seems pretty lame. Das Weiner wants me to visit him in AZ. I think I will, now that I am single again and back on the prowl (thanks for the anthem Trina.)

All men please kiss my ass! Thank You!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Patience

I've been sitting in the same spot in my living room recliner for the past 5 hours. I've gotten up to eat and pee. Why? I've been waiting. I've been waiting for this pain in my chest to go away. I've had it since Saturday night, after Skittles and I went go-kart racing in ATL. We went to KFC. I ordered the hot wings and as I was eating them I could feel the bolus of food slowly working it's way down my esophagus to my stomach. It was an uncomfortable, and somewhat painful feeling, but went away a few hours after I took some Pepto Bismal. Today I've had the same problem and it makes me not want to eat anymore. I'm going to have to go to the doctor about this if it doesn't stop tomorrow. I don't need to lose anymore weight.

I think I stated before that I wanted to get back down to my high school size. Well I am pretty much there. My depression helped. It took my appetite and for a couple of weeks I was only eating once or twice a day. And I wouldn't eat much. I wouldn't recommend that as a diet strategy. I thought once I got on the medication and started eating again I'd gain lots of weight back, but so far I've just kept losing.

My fear is that I've developed some type of stricture in my esophagus. I've had GERD for like 2 years. It started when I contracted a stomach bug druing my pediatrics rotation back in 2006. It was awful. I couldn't keep anything down and I had watery diarrhea. After that I started getting really bad heartburn a couple of times a week. I took over the counter proton pump inhibitors's, but I would always forget to finish the package. So I started taking the PPI/antacid chewable tabs. Those helped, but they are expensive, so I didn't use them consistantly.

Well, here I am, having not properly treated my GERD, now waiting for my chest pain to go away. It might have to stay all night. I want to lay down, but I know that the pain will become nausea. I wish I had some lidocaine and a long sterile tube. LOL!

Skittles and I met in ATL again. We went to an amusment park and did go-karts and bumper cars. Skittles is so impatient and he has a horrible sense of direction. So much so, that I wonder how he has made it this far in life. We were laying in the bed after a love-making session and he goes, "I wonder if they have bumper cars around here." I say, "I don't know. Maybe we can look it up on the internet." He says, "I doubt it." I think to myself, "Hello the internet is the ultimate source of information. Are you crazy?" I just get up and start plugging up my computer. Skittles says, "Well you can probably find it in the phone book faster." I think to myself, "You sound like my dad. So pre-WWW." But I grab the phonebook anyway, while I waited for my computer to start up. One question though, where would you find bumper cars in the phone book. "Would it be under arcade?", Skittles suggests. I look without luck. He gives up and starts up his laptop. I continue to look under recreation and amusement park, but don't find bumper cars. Then I go to the ATL gov site, look under the heading KIDS, then Amusement and find a park with go-karts and bumper cars. Meanwhile, I don't even know what Skittles is doing, probably checking his myspace. I tell him about the place and he looks it up on his laptop, "Let me see. Wow they have a lot of stuff there. It closes at 10. It's almost 8 now, we won't be able to do anything." The place is only about 15 minutes away. I think to myself, "What the hell is wrong with him?" "2 hours is plenty of time.", I plead. "Well let's hurry up and leave."

So we hopped in my car. "Do you know where you are going?", he had the nerve to ask. "Yes, toward Atlanta." "No it's the other way.", he argued. We went back and forth about it and I convinced him, though not totally, that I was right. See the amusement park was south of Atlanta and we were south of the amusement park. So I had to go North. But the exits were labeled differently going north. This confused poor Skittles out of his mind. My solution was to just go north up the highway, get off after a few exits, and then come back south like we are coming from Atlanta. He insisted that I stop at a gas station and get directions. Can you believe no one knew where the place was? It didn't matter because I knew. Skittles just wasn't patient enough to go through the process with me. "Look, I'm just gonna go back down like we're coming from Atlanta, because the directions on the site are from Altanta." He allowed me to go on reluctantly.

So I drove on. We got to the exit and I told him it was 9 miles up the road on the left(just like the site stated). After about 5 miles, Skittles started getting antsy. "I think we are going the wrong way. Let's just turn around." I thought to my self again, "What the hell is wrong with him?" I tried to calm him down, "Babe, we are going the right way. Look there is a sign that says Fayetteville, GA is in this direction. That's where the park is. It's just a few more miles. Have patience." "We been driving for like 30 miles. It'll be closed by the time we get there. We won't be able to do anything. I think you should turn around", he complained. I looked at my clock that read 8:15. Then I looked at him to see if he was serious. He was. "Honey, we'll have enough time. You just wanted to do bumper cars anyway," I reminded him, "That won't take long." "Bumper cars?! I said I wanted to do go-karts!", he snapped. "You said Bumper cars at first!", I snapped back. "Why would I say that? Bumper cars are for kids.", he really wanted me to have that clear. "Okay whatever," I conceded, "You live in your own world."

By the time this little spat was over we got to the park. His mood changed and his eyes were beaming with excitement. We parked, purchased tickets, and got in line for the go-karts. I was first in our line of cars and Skittles was right behind me. When the ride operater removed the cone, I slowly peeled off. I looked back to see Skittles holding up everyone behind him. I guess he was having trouble getting going. I zoomed on. That was my first time doing go-karts. It was so much fun, once I got used to the controls and realized that I wouldn't flip if I went too fast around the corners. I raced around holding on to my lead until a pack of teen boys bumped me out of the way. The operater yelled, "No bumping". I blocked them for a minute, but then slowed down and let them pass. Then I slowed up to wait for skittle. He was second to last in the pack. I laughed at him. Then he passed me and wouldn't let me through. He had the hugest smile on his face and so did I. After the ride was over we complained about the rowdy boys, laughed at how slow he was going, and tried to figure out how they stop all the cars at once. I suggested remote control, but he didn't buy it.

So then Skittles surprises me by saying he wants to ride the bumper cars. I thought that was for kids, but I didn't say anything. Skittles lives in his own world. I'm sure if I mentioned it, he would just say that he never said that. So I was just glad he wanted to do it. We shared the bumper car rink with a little brother and sister and we bumped and spun in circles and just had the best time. I think that was good for Skittles, because he can needs to let off steam as much as possible. After that we played a couple of arcade games, then headed to KFC, where I realized I have esophageal **insert disease phenomenon here**.

Well I finally got registered for the fiction writing class. I'm hoping to improve my writing in general. I switch tenses alot. Sometimes I correct it and sometimes I just don't care. That's the good thing about blogging though. You can write how you want. Most people don't mind. Anyway, I read about William Carlos Williams, who was a poet and doctor. That gave me inspiration. This man had such a passion for writing that he looked at medicine as a way to support himself while he worked at his true craft. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and I try to listen to the signs that the universe gives me. Others don't understand that at all. They see it as coping out or being lazy. Now I understand what that wanna be shaman/prophet at my alma mater was talking about. He was this strange student, much like the one in med school now, who dedicating much of his time to studying God's word and communicating with Him. He sometimes went to a church that I attended off campus and I believe that is how I met him. Anyway, I was going into the cafeteria one day. He was sitting quietly on the ledge right outside the door. I asked him if he was going in. He told me that he was just waiting for God to tell him when it was the right time to go in. I gave him a crazy side-eye, smiled, and left him to his ritual.

But what if we all had that patience. The patience to just wait for the sign, the gift, the man, the baby, the job, the whatever. Instead of rushing out to complete all these goals and trying to plan out a life that we really have no control over, what if we just lived day to day and allowed the universe to guide our decisions and our plans. That's kinda what I did by signing up for this class, and dropping the Spanish, and I am happy with my decisions and the universe's plan.

Radio has started calling me again. We talk about the weather and gas prices, then say good bye. Not much there. I told him about Skittles. He doesn't seem to happy about it. My cousin, that he slept with, is going to be staying with me this summer. She is a journalism major (and complacent career student like me) and has an internship with the local newspaper. I don't know why or how she chose this city. I am assuming because I am here. We get along fine. She doesn't know I talk to Radio. I'd rather it stay that way.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sorry!. Let's Catch Up!

Sorry I haven't written an entry in so long. I just didn't feel like writing for a few weeks. Maybe it was the medication. Anyway, I didn't take it this past weekend because I was being lazy and didn't feel like driving all the way to Walmart to take advangtage of the $4 program. Then I went home to be with my mom for Mother's Day. I went to Walmart there, two minutes before the pharmacy closed. They were not accepting anymore prescriptions. I was fine until Monday, when I started feeling really down. Now I'm back on my drugs and hoping it will kick in soon.

Skittles and I are still together although it was sketchy for a moment there. Last month, we were talking on the phone about our lives together. I started thinking about Who's the Boss and how Tony Danza was like a house husband. Then I was trying to remember if XXXXX was his daughter or boss. Then I started wondering to myself if there were any black women named XXXXX (that is how my mind works). So I asked Skittles if he new any black women named XXXXX. He said yeah, then asked why I wanted to know and if I was trying to be a spy. I said no, just wondering about names that white people have, but black people usually don't. He said "Well I know a black XXXXX and a white XXXXX." But I was really suspicious about black XXXXX, since he seemed to be taken aback by my question. I asked how he knew black XXXXX. He said she used to be his friend on myspace and he'd known her since high school. I asked if she had commented on his page within the last six months. He said yeah. I asked if she was in California. He said yeah. I don't know where this info was coming from, but I was rolling with it. Obviously the universe wanted me to know about black Samantha, even though Skittles was being secretive about her. I ended my interrogation and occasionally mentioned black Samantha in later conversations.

Then a couple of weeks ago, Skittles says, "I have to tell you something important. You know XXXXX. Well, she's pregnant. I didn't tell you at first because I wasn't sure she was going to keep it." He went on to tell me that she had come to FL in December twice, they had sex both times, in January she told him she was pregnant, and later found out she was pregnant with twins. She said he was the only man she'd been with. He said she is not the type of woman to lie about things like that. I was stunned. I didn't know what to think. I couldn't believe he'd hidden this from me and I couldn't believe the man I was considering living the rest of my life with was having new babies. I suddenly felt like Britney Spears and Skittles was my K-Fed.

After some discussion, I decided to stay with Skittles. He said he didn't want to be with her, but would consider it, if he was single, for the kids. I didn't want to be selfish, but Skittles is the type of guy that is gonna be with who he wants. I still struggle with it. Even last night we were considering breaking it off, because he says he wants to move near wherever these kids end up, so he can be there for them. He is trying to be a better father to his little girl too. He hasn't been apart of her life, but told his baby mama he wants to meet her. I think it's great that he's stepping up. It makes me love him more. We are going to ride this thing out until the wheels fall off.

Hugz asked to take me out to eat this weekend while I was home, so we could catch up. I honestly thought it was going to be a friendly meal. Hugz never showed real interest in me before. We met at a little italian restaurant. Hugz is a great conversationalist. He never runs out of questions or topics. We have the same sense of humor and he laughed at all my jokes. He kept talking about how cute and intelligent I was. After we ate he asked if I wanted to see a movie. I really wanted to see Forbidden Kingdom and since he was paying, I was like of course. So while we waited for the movie to start we went to the bookstore and looked at various books and magazines. He kept putting his arm around me and sneaking my hand into his. I was getting nervous, because I wasn't expecting him to act like that. During the movie, he reached over, placed his hand on my face, and said "I am having a wonderful time with you." I was like OMG! What is Hugz tryna do to me. Then he asked if he could put his arm around me. I said yes. He pulled me in closer to him and then started rubbing my thigh. I couldn't belive Hugz was all over me like that. All those times in college I wanted to get with him and he was like "you're my little sister." So I was surprised that he was being so forward.


After the movie he said I could come by his townhome later. But I ended up not going. I had plans to go out with Jokes, my old guy friend from high school. He stood me up though. He is back with his ex girlfriend. Booooo! Anyway, I did end up going to Hugz house on Sunday. He was all over me again. Then we started a makeout session with heavy petting. LOL! I kept thinking to myself, this is so strange. I'd always had a crush on this guy. I let go of the dream a while back and now, look at us. He has a nice thick schlong too. I just wanted him inside me. But he was like "Next time!" Whatever! I am never going to his lair again. Although, I would love to have sex with Hugz cause it would fufill a teenage dream, I can't do it. Why? Because he wouldn't consider being in a relationship with me. He told me he's not interested in entering a new relationship because he just got over his ex. This was dissapointing news because after our date the day before I was really thinking he might want to be serious. Why am I the jump-off/rebound girl/side piece always? The one guy that I'd think would respect me and would only come at me like that ifhe wanted to be serious, just wants to feel me up. What the hell? I guess if I respected myself more it wouldn't happen. LOL!

Well I have been feeling like I want to quit school and just get a normal 9-5 job like everyone else. I already have one degree and I am really and truly tired of school. I don't want to spend another day doing this stuff. Now I didn't feel like this until I missed 4 doses of my anti-depressant this weekend, so maybe that's why I feel like this. I had signed up for a spanish course, but they messed up my financial aid and I didn't have money to get the book. I woke up to go to class, but I was running late and wasn't gonna be able to catch the bus. Then I stepped on my glasses and the nose pad popped off. I drove to school, then tried to walk over to the building where my class was, but the short cut was blocked off because of construction. I was already late and if I walked all the way around the street way I would be even later so I went back to my car. And went back home. I tried to find the book I needed at the library, but for some reason it was not on the shelf, so I was pissed. I decided I would sign up for an online course, but you have to pay when you register and I don't know if my financial aid will cover it and since I don't have any yet, it doesn't matter. Today is the last day to register. So I am going to just drop the courses and forget about it. I am going to get a job and continue considering quitting school. I just don't want to do this anymore. And I am okay with that. I will have to move far away from everyone and detach myself from my family of course. They'll wonder what the hell is wrong with me and I will say, "I haven't figured it out yet." Maybe I have a brain tumor or lymphoma. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I probably am a little crazy. I think I might have some telepathic powers. My mom and sister think they do too. We could all be crazy, but really why else would I suddenly think about a black Samantha. And also with Hugz he wanted me to guess his middle name. I went through some silly names like Lucious and Percy. Then I got an image of a young Malcolm Jamal Warner and I was like "Theo? Theodore!" He was like "Yeah!" So weird, right? It just happens like that sometimes. Maybe I'm psychic! LOL!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Skittles in ATL!

I had a fun weekend! Thursday I talked to Skittles on the IM to see if he was still coming up to see me. He was hesitant because he wasn't sure if he'd have enough money. We went back and forth about it, trying to decide if we could meet in a city between us or reschedule for the future. We couldn't agree on a plan. Then he was like "Do you think we should just be friends? I don't think I can do the long distance thing." This really pissed me off, so I told him to do what he wanted and signed off of the IM. I turned off my phone and avoided contact from everyone until 5:30pm the next day. Skittles had sent a text message, "I'm sorry" and a voice message saying he was just frustrated and missed me. He called me a few minutes later. I answered and we talked it over. He explained he wasn't breaking things off with me he was just asking how I felt. I feel if he was thinking about breaking up, he wanted to do it. But he insisted that's not what he wanted. So I guess to make up for it all, he decided he wanted to meet in Atlanta Saturday. I was excited. I started packing immediately. The next day, Skittles put money in my bank account for gas and I hit the road. I wore a brown striped cream colored strapless dress, something I don't do often, and white flip flops.

Skittles arrived in Atlanta about 30 minutes ahead of me and booked our hotel. I pulled into the parking lot and he was standing outside waiting for me. He was so cute in his black thick rimmed glasses. We exchanged hello's. I was really nervous to see him and didn't know what else to say. I think he felt the same way, because he just grabbed my luggage out of my car and avoided eye contact. We stayed in a cheap motel, but it was clean and had a fridge so I wasn't complaining. He did assure me that we would stay in a better one next time. In the room he tried to figure out how to work the remote controlled air conditioner and I sat in the corner near the window. He couldn't get it working so I told him I was usually good at figuring that kind of stuff out, but I was also unsuccessful. He called the front desk to have someone come up and turn it on. It gave us something to do besides actually talk to each other. But once the problem was solved we had to break the ice. So we hugged and he pushed me onto the bed, got on top of me and we started kissing.

We got hungry and he wanted to find a Thai restaurant he'd been to on a previous trip. We drove around for about 20 minutes looking for this place and ended up going in a complete circle. We decided to eat at a mexican restaurant near the hotel, instead. Afterwards, we stopped at a gas station to ask a random stranger where a flea market and good club were. I've only bought clothes at a flea market once before, in high school when I needed a dress for my pageant. It was a used red column dressed that my aunt turned into a flowy cocktail dress for the opening number. I was happy to see that this flea market had new clothes and Skittles bought me a cute brown, quater sleeved, v-neck dress. We went back to the hotel and had sex again, took naps, and then showers, and got ready for the club.

Skittles looked fly in all black with a black Kango and silver jewelry to accent. We drove to downtown Atlanta to find a club to go to. We drove around for about 30 minutes then finally settled on a spot. Driving around looking for places seemed to be a recurring theme for Skittles, but we are both patient people so we didn't get upset about it. I finally told him we should just go to one place we'd driven by first. It was a nice club with 3 levels. We partied on two of them. Drinks were very expensive. Skittles isn't much of a dancer, but he got hype on songs he liked. After the club we went to Waffle House. I don't really like Waffle House because it was the dirtiest restaurant on a Dateline special, but I've been there before and I like the pecan waffle, so it was okay. Besides I was kinda drunk, so we could have eaten at the Walmart deli and I wouldn't have cared. The place had a jukebox in it, so we tried to select really crazy songs, but the selection was sparce. After Waffle House we went back to the hotel and I was in a really frisky mood, so we had a nice session before bed.

The next day we went to see Street Kings, which turned out to be a really great movie. Afterwards we went looking for the Thai restaurant again. By this time, I felt it was a hopeless cause, but I let him drive around aimlessly anyway. To my surprise, we happened upon it. I was happy for him and the food there was some of the best Thai food I've had. In fact it makes me want to get some from a Thai restaurant downtown here. I'm gonna continue this later, cause I'm really hungry!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Progression

My mother called on Saturday. She asked if I wanted her and my dad to come visit. I said no, maybe another weekend. Despite my pleadings for them to stay home, they came on Sunday anyway. It's not that I didn't want them to visit. I just didn't want them staring at me and having a prayer circle around me like I'm some misfortunate soul. But it wasn't so bad, I got in a few laughs. Then my mother asked me to call my brother. I haven't talked to him since January, because I don't want him getting on me and I feel bad for not keeping in contact. I told her I would email him, but that wasn't enough for her. She just kept begging me and trying to make me feel guilty about it. Then she said if I didn't want to talk to him about anything, I could just say so. She tried to act like I could do that with anyone in the family. That's not true. I've tried it before, and whatever I don't want to talk about enters the conversation over and over until I give in. She was bringing me down, and when she saw that, she didn't want to leave. I told her she was trying to do too much at once and we need to take it Bird by Bird. I told her the story about the little boy who had to do a project on birds. He waited until the night before to start. He sat at the kitchen table and spread out all the books he had on different types of birds. He looked up at his dad overwhelmed, "How am I going to get through all these books?" His dad told him, "Son, just take it bird by bird." I don't know where that story is from, but my professor told the class this story. My mom understood and dropped it. I slapped a smile on my face and sent my parents on their way. I called Skittles right after they left. Then my mom interrupted the call to ask why I din't look through the blinds when they left. Ugh!

Skittles and I have moved to Video Calls over the net. It's nice to be able to look at each other while we talk. Sunday night, I just wanted to fall asleep staring at him, but we couldn't get any sleep that way. He is coming this Friday, and I can't wait to see him. I've fallen for him big time.

Sugar Daddy texted me today. At first I had no idea who it was. He'd changed his number. He asked how I was doing and said he really missed me. I don't get that? I didn't text back right away. Then I got 2 calls from a restriced number I figured was him. So I texted back that I was fine and that I was involved with someone who cared about me deeply and that I was happy. He texted back: "Congrats let me know if I can do anything to help." I don't need his help.

I've gotten calls from Flip, Flow, and Radio. I didn't answer any of them. I wrote Undercover an email apologizing for igging him. I started to feel bad, since we had sex and all. He hasn't even read it yet.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Understanding



I had my first session with my psychologist on Thursday. I was nervous sitting in the waiting room waiting for her to surface and call my name. But I picked up a Heart and Soul magazine for which my cousins wife used to be the Editor in Chief. I flipped through the front sections and was surprised to see her picture there. She's back with the magazine! Cool! I wanted to go around the room and say "That's my cousin's wife!", but that would be pretty silly. Coincidentally, the article she wrote was about black women and mental health. Black women don't like to seek help for mental health. How true that is? I think the black community in general is reluctant to see a doctor for any health problem. There's alot of mistrust and institutionalized racism that keeps us from wanting to get involved with the health care system. Our history with the health care is tainted with multiple forms of prejudice and mistreatment(Tuskegee Experiment, Eugenics/Forced Sterilization, targeting us for certain contraceptives (e.g. Norplant)) Even on my OB/GYN rotation at a community hospital that sees mostly poor black and hispanic women, the residents and attendings pushed women to accept "provider-controlled" contraceptives, like the Depo shot. There is benefit to spacing pregnancies, but still it should be the woman's choice. That is what the Pro-Choice movement was originally about, allowing women the choice of not to conceive and birth children for whatever reason. The movement changed though for political and social reasons. It became more about controlling unwanted populations, i.e. poor people and minorities. The movement took off from there.

As for mental health, I think that most of the black community either relies on God, tobacco, illegal drugs, and/or alcohol to take care of our issues. The problem with the last 3 are obvious, but God or faith in him is very helpful. I've relied on Him in the past. I think this time though, I got to a point where I wasn't sure God actually cared and I thought maybe he wanted me to be this way. Who wants to rely on someone that doesn't seem to be there for you? When you get to that point, that's when you know something isn't right and getting professional help would be a good idea. No one understands that. I didn't understand until I went through it. My professor told me Thursday morning that this would make me a better doctor, because I'll be able to relate to my patients. It helps to really understand what someone is going through. We are taught as medical students to empathize, but to sympathize because you've been there creates a much stronger bond.

Anyway, back to the waiting room. My therapist appeared around the corner. I looked up to find an older white woman probably in her late 50s. I was a little dissapointed, hoping to get someone younger. She wasn't even on the same floor as the others. I don't know why this bothered me, but it did. We had to walk down a flight to get to her office. Once there, I told her about why I originally came in and what my problems were past and present. Then she asked about family and friends. I told her how I rarely talk to my brother, I talk to my sister once a month, and my mom calls me once a week. I told her I have a couple of good friends at school that I talk to pretty regularly. Then she asked if I had a boyfriend. Why did she have to ask that? And why did I have to mention Skittles? I should have just kept my mouth shut. I tried to describe him in the best light possible. But descriptors like met on myspace, lives in florida, limo driver, and rapper were red flags to her. She asked if I looked up anything on him. Yes I have and he is a rapper, he has music all over the net. But I'm not gonna pay the 39.95 to find out his address, credit history, job history, and whatever else you can find out from those people search sites. She asked if I knew who he works for, how old he supposedly is, when and where we're planning to meet. Suddenly, I felt like I was talking to my sister and regretted even mentioning him. She ended the interrogation with "Maybe you should think about how much you actually have in common with him." She wasn't gonna understand that meeting people on the net is normal now and although he may not be Dr. so and so, or have a white collar career, I still love him for who he is and what he is to me.

I try not to be classist. As long as a guy can speak intelligently and has some ambitions he's working toward career-wise, I'll talk to him. To get further, we have to have some type of connection whether sexual, intellectual, spiritual, or a combination. And to stay together, we have to fulfill some need in each other's lives. With skittles I have all of that. Even though we haven't met, I feel like we've already made love. It's a strange feeling.

I talked to my sister for the first time since January, the other night. She says my adopted nephew is going to grow up to be a sociopath, my biological niece's therapist refuses to see her anymore, and my adopted niece is completely normal, just boy crazy. I'm concerned about her parenting skills. She herself is a counselor and has taught parents how to deal with their problem children. So of course she feels she knows it all. But if you are concerned your child might grow up to be a sociopath, maybe you need extra help. I think my nephew will grow up to be the type of guy that charms the hell out of people to get his way and if he doesn't he'll blow up. That seems to be his modus now. Honestly I think the kid is a normal boy and my sister and her husband are the wackos. He'd probably be fine in a more nuturing less contricted environment. They have multiple rules, that are kinda pointless. No food upstairs, no snacks after this time, no tv before this time, can't go to friends houses, etc. So many rules to break for a kid who supposedly can't follow rules. And she gets frustrated over it. She has a lock on the fridge now. It's ridiculous to me. I try to give her advice, but I'm the little sister.

My sister asked me if I was talking to anyone new. I said no. As if I would tell her, please! Will she ever understand?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Changes

So life is changing quite a bit. Therefore, my blog is changing. From now on, I'll probably be talking more about me and my life outside of men I'm dating. After the revelation I had in my last entry, I think it will be good for me to explore myself. MMM? That sounds like a line from the Vagina Monologues.

This past weekend I went to a school friend's house to watch UNC against Kansas. She's a cool friend. We joke about everything. I would never have thought she would be my friend. We had the OB/GYN rotation together and she would say things that got on my nerves. So I didn't think we'd be too cool. But during our Surgery rotation we were the only two 3rd years and the only two in our apartment, so we bonded and became friends. She's a funny gal. It seems she always gets into these predicaments. Once she had a patient that was in bad condition and needed a line placed. None of the residents were jumping to do it and she got worried, so she called the helicopter EMTs. The helicopter team arrived to the room, but were very confused as to why they were called. Basically she over stepped her boundaries and the attending told her to take the rest of the day off. When she told me this story I was thinking why the hell would you call the medevac's to help a patient in the hospital. But I soon learned she was full of these types of stories and she often did off the wall stuff like that. Otherwise she's really smart and dependable on the job. So I'll call her Lucy, after the Lucille Ball character.

The Surgery rotation was full of hilarity. We had one intern who was basically a country bumpkin and a little slow. He was always getting yelled at. Another intern, also a farm boy, was very conceited. I was on call with him once and he gathered up all the female nursing students to watch him put a catheter in a vein in a man's thigh. The vein started bleeding uncontrollable until there was a pool of blood forming on the sterile sheet laying over his legs. A few of the students walked out as the small procedure became a bloody mess of a mishap. His little scheme failed. I just had to shake my head. Lucy and I laughed about it later.

Also during this rotation, I had a crush on one of the attendings. He was a 50 something Persian man, tall, olive skin, dark curly hair, so very attractive. He had an english accent and a breathy deep voice. I've loved english accents ever since Craig David came out with "Fill Me In" in 2000. He could be a bit abrassive though with his comments. He pretty much told Lucy and I we were fat in so few words, otherwise he was really nice and I was always happy to see him. When he would lecture us I would just smile at him as he talked. I couldn't help it. I'm sure he knew how I felt. Once I came to watch one of his surgeries. It was a small procedure and I really couldn't get close enough to see anything, so he told me to go see another surgery. I felt a little rejected, but about 15 minutes later he showed up in this other surgery and I was happy to see him. Even though his presence there had nothing to do with me, I'd like to think he wanted to make up for kicking me out of his operating room!

Updates on men:
Flip: I've been avoiding his phone calls. Sad. I know. But I just can't do it. I can't say it. "I've found someone else." So lame am I.
Undercover: He stopped calling a long time ago. But still, I should have said something. Email is too lame, but maybe I should just do it. What difference does it make? Honestly, who cares? He got what he wanted. But he seemed pretty lonely til I showed up. He even commented that he's just too nice of a guy and that's why he's single. But then again he's not that nice, cause he tried to choke me to death and maybe that's why he's single. Maybe that's what I'll say in the email. "That erotic asphyxiation shit freaks me out, so I found someone else." mmmm...still lame. So...I'll think about it. By the time I decide, maybe he won't care anymore.

Well BeJay are definitely married. I think she has a baby on the way. I don't know. I could be wrong, but their wedding should have been the wedding of the century not some little quiet, secret ceremony in an apartment. Whatev... i'll probably end up doing the same and have everyone mad at me. I don't know. I've always imagined a big wedding, but I don't think I could handle the stress of it all. Everyone will want to have their say, pressuring me to do it this way or that way. I'd almost rather go to the justice of the peace and then go home and start making babies. Then show up to the family reunion pregnant with my husband no one's even heard of, let alone met. How exciting would that be?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

My Decisions

Skittles. Skittles. I love that man and he loves me. It's pretty hot. Things are great.

Das Weiner called me the other day. He's not buying Skittles and I. He says it won't last. Time will tell. He's mad because one week we were planning his trip down here and the next week I was with Skittles. He says I'm like I always was. Maybe so. But is anything wrong with that.

Jokes, my friend from high school who's moving down here, doesn't seem to be happy about Skittles either. He can't stop making jokes about it. He emailed me yesterday: "You're all in love. I guess some people can't stay single." This made me mad cause he already commented about this on the phone, so why does he need to email me about it too. So I got smart with him and he emailed back: "It seems when you're single you can take a joke, but when you in a relationship, you become completely humorless." He's pushing it. He's mad also because before Skittles I told him he could come spend the night with me whenever he wanted. That's how you talk when you're single.

Well, I tend to delve into my past whenever I'm single, to find a guy to pass the time with. MMMMM. That's bad. Why do I do that? Maybe I am the bad person in all this. It's not that I'm not considering being with these people again though. But still. I am beginning to realize the problem with continually going back to these men and where I may be wrong. I won't do it anymore.

I've gotten backlash for my decisions all my life. I should be used to it, but all it does is make me feel incompetent. Whether it's my mother, my sister, or my friends, someone is always displeased with my choices in men, jobs, clothes, religions, everything. I can't live my life the way I want to because everyone is watching and would rather me do it differently. I was talking to a friend from school. She's Christian. I told her about Skittles coming up later this month. She asked, "Do you think he'll try to stay with you?" I was like, "Yeah he's probably going to stay with me." and I smiled. She just gave me this look like, "Okay, that's not what Christian women do." I wanted to be like, "Yeah they do all the time." But anyway, when I was in Holiness and with my most recent ex, she and I had more in common. She probably thinks I've fallen. She asked me if I wanted to go to church with her or another student at school who thinks he's a prophet. I was like no thanks. I think I need a more individuallized type of religion. I've always been more of a loner type anyway.

I don't know. Why can't I just pick what works best for me? People want you to feel like you don't know yourself. Like with this taking meds for depression thing. I'm just not even going to tell anyone in my family about it. I know how they'll react already. I guess I need to be more private with all of my life matters. I'm old enough to do things without checking for my family's approval first. I'd like to include them, but often they just confuse me and convince me to do what they want, rather than what I know I need.

I'll be more like Beyonce. Keep my mouth shut about things that don't pertain to other people. She's married to Jay-Z now. BeJay! I thought I'd get married before Beyonce. Is it just me or was their wedding kinda anti-climactic? Anyway, I am glad they are married now and I can't wait for them to have their first child. They better not wait 6 years for that. They need to bust those babies out quick.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Depression

I forgot how fun it was to fall in love with someone. I just wish he wasn't so far away. Things are going great with Skittles. We haven't run out of things to talk about yet. I like him more and more everyday. He's come into my life at the perfect time. He's been patient and understanding. He really cares about me, deeply. It's been wonderful. Skittles is coming to see me at the end of the month instead of this weekend. It's a better time for me academically and "femininely".

I told Das Weiner about Skittles. He was not happy. He couldn't even talk to me. He said he'd call me back but never did. I hope he's okay. The simple truth is that Das Weiner could have easily made me his girl if he wanted me to be. He had the opportunity but he missed it again. I feel bad for him. I know how it feels. But I didn't expect to fall in love with Skittles and I'm not gonna sit at home for a guy who's not sure he wants to be with me right now.

I went to see a therapist today about my depression. I start therapy next week. It's been a long time coming if you ask me. I've had problems with depression before. But I would always get over it. This time was alot worse than others. For the first time in my life I seriously considered harming myself. I wanted to get help a few weeks ago, but I didn't go until today. I'm glad to finally get help for it. My niece and my cousin both have mood disorders, so I think it runs in may run in my family. My family tends to deny things, so it's difficult to know if others have had mental problems. I think we always use our faith to get through. My mom has been telling me just pray and God will help you. But what if you don't even feel like praying. And if God is omnicient, he should know how I feel and what I need. He's not oblivious, right. Well I'm not gonna wait to feel like praying. I'm just going to get the help I need.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Somebody call the paramedics, I'm smitten



Something strange has happened. I didn't see it coming. I feel like Janet Jackson in her new song "Luv". "Somebody call the paramedics, cuase he hit me with his love!" I spent 6 hours talking to Skittles on the phone Thurday night, from 1am to 7am. And we didn't even talk about sex the whole time. I learned alot about him. We have similar pasts. He used to be a devout Muslim. I used to be Holiness. Okay, that's the only thing we have in common actually. But nonetheless, I really like him and he feels the same about me.

How did this happened? It's so strange because I hadn't talked to Skittles in a couple weeks. I thought he'd lost interest because he stopped returning my calls. I emailed him a couple of times and he only wrote back once: "Hey, how r u?" The other day I posted to his guestbook on his myspace page: "You don't miss me yet?! LOL!" He sent me an email and then called me from his new number. He was like "I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore." I think he got involved with someone for a minute and just doesn't want to tell me. Now he's back and he seems to be serious about me. He says he likes my personality. In your face, Purtty Boi!

I feel bad, because Flip and I were getting to know each other too. We were having a nice time, but the sparks weren't there. I could have grown to like him though. He is a wonderful guy and any woman would be lucky to have him. That's the beginning of the speech I'll have to give him. I may not have to. I haven't talked to him since Monday. I had my phone off all day Tuesday. He had called and left a message. I called him Wednesday, but his phone was off. I left a message, but he hasn't called me back. So maybe he's made his decision already. Mmm?

Undercover called me today. I told him I was busy with school work. We'll hang again, but I feel akward about last weekend. If this thing with Skittle jumps off then we won't be doing that anymore.

Purtty Boi is back in NY. He said he'd be back in 3 weeks or so. I emailed him to check in on him. He called me a couple of days before he left and invited me to his house for barbeque and to drop off his DVDs. Then he was like, "If your lucky, you can have one last piece of me before I leave." Lucky Me! I just laughed it off. I was still mad about his commentary on my personlaity last weekend. He said he'd call me back, but he didn't call me for another few hours. I asked him if he was coming to get his DVDs. He was like, "Let me ask my aunt to go" He only has a learner's permit so someone with a license has to drive with him. Then he sat on the phone just talking about nothing. I asked about him future baby mama. He said she'd gotten an ultra-sound that day and she told him the baby looked like a peanut. A peanut? That's the best she could do? The fetus has a face, a heart and appendages and all she could say is it looked like a peanut. I asked when the due date is. He snapped, "7 months from now!" I was thinking I can count. So she's been to the OB and had an ultrasound? She should have an actualy Due Date! Not a guesstimation. Then he said,"Let me call you back." I was like, "Just come on and get your DVDs". "I will but I'ma call you back." He didn't call. He showed up about 15 minutes later. "Hurry up my aunt's in the car! Hey you got company? Why are you dressed up?" First off I wasn't dressed up. I had on a jean skirt, a long sleeved black t-shirt, and a head wrap. Second why does he always have to accuse me of having a dude over. Anyway, I was like, "You looked pretty dressed up." He had on a sweater and khakis. I wonder if thats what he wore, while he was barbequing. We exchanged movies and said goodbye. No kisses, no hugs.

What will I do about Das Weiner? He still wants to come out here at the end of April. I still want him to cause I haven't seen him in so long.

Well, that's all. It looks like Skittles might take me off the market for a minute or maybe longer. It will be a long distance relationship, which I've done before and can handle. He says he's coming to see me next week. We'll see. Hopefully he's not Flow part III, always making promises. I believe he's genuine though. I feel it.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

No Air

Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown - No Air [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO]


Why do people want to suffocate me this week? Physically and emotionally, they seem to want to end my life by leaving me with no air to breath. The following is a list of ways people have tried to kill me softly.

1. Suffocating me with luv
Flip came back in town Thursday night and the first thing he wanted to do was see me. He called and said, "I'll pay for your gas if you come see me." Way to devalue yourself. I was more than happy to go out. I was feeling down and needed some TLC. So I asked for direction and he told me to get on this particular highway, until I reached a certain exit and said to call him when I get there. So I called him to let him know I was on my way, but he wouldn't get off the phone with me. I don't really like to talk while I drive, but I stayed on. I drove out about 20 minutes and I didn't reach the exit. So I asked him if I was still going the right way. He said "Wait let me get a map?" What the crap? What do you need a map for? This is your freaking house and your freaking side of town. How do you not know how to get to your own house? I started calling out exits. "You went to far turn around and get on this other highway.", he corrected his previous directions. I was about to go off, "Wait a minute? You didn't mention that route before. You said get on this highway and that would lead me straight there." "Oh aren't those two highways the same?", he asked. "No, if they were, I would be at your house right now. Wouldn't I?", I tried not to sound like a parent reprimanding her child. "I need to go. I'll call you back when I get on the other route okay?" He let me go finally, but called me back 2 minutes later, "Hey get on this other highway and I'm exit 18. It's only 20 exits." "I passed that highway way back! Let me call you back okay?", I hung up and cursed him out via my windshield. He'd given me 3 different ways to his house. And the last and supposedly correct way was closer to my home than the others. I'd driven out about 15 miles farther than I needed to, because this fool doesn't know how to give directions. I finally arrived at his home, a cute little ranch on a corner in a nice suburban neighborhood. He came outside and got in my truck.

Flip looked even cuter than before, and he has actually surpassed Jay-Z a bit in the looks department. It think it was because his stache was recently lined up. I don't know. We went to Applebee's. It's been my favorite restaurant since I was 14. Actually, I don't like it that much, but on my 14th birthday, the waiter made a rose out of a napkin. From then on, I went there on my B-day every year. Flip made me order steak. I'm not a big steak person, but I obliged him. He let me order him an alcoholic drink even though he doesn't drink often. It hit him after like 3 sips. What a novice! He was like, "It's better drinking with a female." Apparently his guy friends get touchy feelly when they drink. Hmmm? Suspect. Anyway, we had a nice time together, laughing and joking around.

Afterward, we went back to his house and sat in the driveway. He grabbed my hand and started rubbing it. I felt awkward. His hands are rough, but he has a gentle touch. "Your hands are so soft. It's like you never did a days hard work in your life." Well, I didn't grow up with farm animals and I've never done manual labor, so yeah. I gave him a quick hand massage. "Do you think my hands would feel rough on your body?", he asked. Awkward again. Then he started falling asleep. I was also very tired. He didn't want to leave though. I just kept reminding him he was tired and that he needed to get up early. Finally he got out of my car and I gave him a hug. It was such a nice hug. He wasn't trying to love my body down or anything like Hugz. He just held me softly in his arms a little longer than I wanted him to, but it was nice.

2. Blocking off my airway.
Whenever Purtty Boi and I had sex, he would place is upper lip over my nostrils and press his face into mine. I never understood this. I couldn't breath. It's a move wrestlers do with their hands to try to cause their components to get winded quicker and lose energy. I suppose Purtty Boi could benefit in some way from me being winded. I mean, I could pass out and sleep through the rest of the horrible sex we were having. I don't know. Anyway, the last time we had sex, he stopped and said "You don't seem to be enjoying this." What do you say to that? Why even make a comment like that? If you know the other person isn't having fun, then try something different or just stop. I just said, "Really?" I couldn't help but think that maybe if he wasn't such a pretentious little prick I would be enjoying myself more. Then he yelled at me for putting my legs down. Now see that's a definite sign that you should just stop and make way to the nearest exist. But we just kept going. I laid there like a turtle flipped on it's back, legs held in the air, hoping someone will have mercy on me and end my struggle. He covered my nose with his lip and pressed hard. I prayed to pass out.

Well I don't have to worry about him anymore. Purtty Boi is gone. I knew it was coming. He came by yesterday without calling. I was home alone, but I was in the bathroom and practically naked. So I didn't answer. I didn't know who it was. I looked out the window as he was getting into his aunt's car. I threw on a t-shirt and some workout pants and thought about running out to call him back, but I changed my mind and just watched him drive away. You can't just stop by unexpected. I never answer my door when I don't know who's out there. I don't even look out the peep hole because people can always see when you look out the peephole. I tried it once in middle school. It was late in the evening, dark outside and the doorbell of my parents townhome rang. I was the only one downstairs to answer it, but I didn't plan on opening the door. The doorbell rang again and then a knock and then, "Hello!". I tip-toed over to the door and looked out the peephole. "I know someone's in there!" I ran away. That was the last time I looked through a peephole when I wasn't expecting a guest.


3. Drowning me in alcoholAnway, I sent Purtty Boi a message asking him to come back and to call me. While waiting for him to get a clue, I called a guy that I went out with last weekend. His name will be Undercover Brother. I met Undercover Brother on myspace. This is number 4 right? Undercover is a 36 year old medical equipment inspector. He has an engineering degree. He looks like Dave Chapelle except lighter and shorter, but after a few drinks more like Kenny Lattimore. Last weekend I called him for the first time on that Friday night. He asked me what I was doing. I said nothing. He asked why. I said no money. He offered to take me out clubbing and pay for my drinks. So of course, I went with him. I drove to his apartment, we watched a little bit of a movie and then went out. We had the best time. But he's a horn dog though, real talk.

The first club we went to he bought me two shots and a drink of Royal flush. We started dancing. I hadn't even gotten close to him, but when I did he already had a boner. I was like, come on dude, we just got started. We left that club, because there were about 20 people there. The next venue was packed. At this place he bought me a Blue Motorcycle and proclaimed "I don't like to drink alone" as he started his second beer of the night. His two beers to my now 4 drinks? I think I was a head of him a bit. We danced the night away. I was drunk, but he insisted once again that he couldn't drink alone and bought me another Blue Motorcycle. So by the time we left the club, I was hammered. The last time I was that drunk was last summer, when I went to the club for the first time in like 4-5 years. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again. But here I was once again. I was so out of it, I walked barefoot to the parking garage, while Undercover carried my shoes.

On the way to his apartment I was naming all the buildings on the street although I couldn't focus enough to actually see what the establishments really were. I just guessed. Undercover just laughed at me. LOL! I don't know how I got back up to his apartment. But I do remember sitting on his couch and him massaging my feet. Then I started getting the aura I get before a migraine. So I asked for something for a headache and he gave me some Advil. I took that then somehow I ended up on the floor. He picked me up. Then I started naming everything in his house. The vacuum cleaner, the fan, his briefcase. Then I took off my clothes and got in the bed, I think. I honestly don't remember taking them off. Anyway, he kissed me, but then I felt nauseous so he got the trash can to put next to the bed. But there was still trash in it. I was like well if I'm have trouble throwing up, I'm sure the smell of old trash will help relieve me. So he put in a fresh trash bag. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I threw up. Then I read some of a coffee table book about the history of Hip-Hop. Then he took me to breakfast. Then we watched some DVD's and an ACC game and then I went home. He wanted me to come back over that night, but I was like whatev! I was still hungover and the migraine that wanted to develop the night before, finally came. So I talked to him on that Sunday and we made plans to get together this weekend.


4. Suffocating me with insults and lies
Last night I called Undercover while waiting for Purtty Boi to get back to me. He was about to eat dinner and he invited me to eat with him. I packed an overnight bag. I decided at that point that I would spend the night and I might even fuck him. I packed some condoms in my bag just in case. I arrived at Undercover's house and as he was preparing my plate, my phone rang. I wasn't gonna answer at first and I shouldn't have because I knew it was Purtty Boi. But I answered anyway. He was angry with me. "Why didn't you answer your door? I saw you looking out the window when I left." I explained and apologized. "I don't believe you. You had a dude in there with you." Then he hung up. Okay?! I excused myself outside and called Purtty Boi back. I explained again to him what happened. I let him know I had no reason to lie, cause he's not my man. I asked him, "Don't I tell you everything?" "I don't believe anything you say. It goes in one ear and out the other.", he argued. I was so confused.

Then he planted the bomb. "Oh yeah, my ex girlfriend. The one that was down here with me. She is pregnant. I'm gonna be a father." I wanted to say, "Now I don't believe you.", but I just said "Well congratualtions. Is she coming down here or are you moving back there?" "She's coming back with me after I go up there." Every sentence after that began with "Oh Yeah,..." as he went on to reveal all of my personality flaws and explain how, even though he thinks I'm sexy, I have a horrible personality. He gave me advice on life and love claiming, "I'm just trying to help you." I wanted out of this conversation so I started trying to get off the phone. He said, "What's wrong? You sound like you are going to cry." I let him know that I definitely wasn't about to cry and I was dissapointed that he felt this way about me. He proclaimed, "I'm a cold person. I have no feelings." Then he said, "well my girlfriend doesn't like me to talk to other girls, so I guess this is the last time we'll talk." No kidding! He went on, "But I'm not gonna erase you from my friends. You can email me. Just don't leave any comments or I'll have to erase them." Goody Gum Drops! We're still best buds. I said, "Yeah okay."

Then (here comes the crazy part) he says, "I bought some new Dolce & Gabana reading glasses today." WTF?! As if I care!. Then he started talking about this girl he met at GED school. Some little 18 year old. "She's hot. If you saw me with her, you'd be like 'why's he talking to me?' I wondered that myself. These guys came up and asked if that was my girl. I was like no and then she tried to sit in my lap and kiss me." What the hell?! I looked at her myspace. She's cute, as in little girl cute. But that's how he likes 'em. And all she does is show off her array of false eyelashes and nails. Those flunkies can have each other! I interrupted his boastful soliloquoy, "I have to go." He said, "Yeah okay." and hung up. I just wanted to laugh at him. He sounded like Papi. Here was Papi again to haunt me. Different face, different name, same person. But this time I was prepared. I knew this would happen and that's why I never bothered to get attached to Purtty Boi.

I don't believe him. His ex is either not pregnant at all or he's known for a while that she's pregnant. I asked him how far along she was and he was like 2 months! 2 months? That sounds pretty sketchy and arbitrary. I feel like if he really knew, it would be stated more like 8 weeks or 9 weeks or womething more exact. I wished I'd asked the due date. Because if this was real and she'd already been to the doctor, he'd have that info. But whatever, either way he doesn't want me around anymore. Even though he tried to be friendly at the end there, I really am not interested in talking to him anymore.

5. Strangulation
So back to Undercover. I apologized for being rude (one of my personality flaws), like Purtty Boi instructed me to do, crooked toothed imbecile. I ate and then we watched Smoking Aces. After that we went bowling. We played two games and he beat me twice. I'm a horrible bowler, but I did get one strike. So after bowling we made our way back to his apartment. I asked him if he wanted me to stay. Of course he did, so I retrieved my overnight bag from my car. Once inside I got ready for bed. I laid next to Undercover and he spooned me. Then he started kissing my neck alot and he worked his way down and found his pearl and I rejoiced at his discovery. It was great. How long has it been? Several months. It sounds stupid, but I actually thanked God for it. Now God maybe had nothing to do with it, but I still thanked him. We should thank him for all our blessing and Undercover certainly blessed me.

We continued to have sex. While I was riding him, Undercover stuck his thumb in my mouth. Honestly, I didn't really know why he did it. I can only assume now that this was his first attempt to block off my airway. It was kinda weird. So after I came again he flipped me on my back and pushed me to the edge of the bed so that my head was hanging over. This I assume was an attempt once again at somehow making me lose consciousness, since blood was rushing rapidly to my head. After a few minutes in this position he pulled me back, so that my entire skull was on the bed and started pounding away. And when he was climaxing, he wrapped his hand around my neck and started squeezing it. I could feel my eyes starting to bulge. Then I started to feel myself coming again. He squeezed my neck harder. I grabbed his wrist to try to pull his hand away. He didn't let go. Finally when he reached his peak, he let go and collapsed on top of me. How strange? I've heard of erotic asphyxiation, but how dare he assume that I would be into that. mmmm? I'm still absolutely blown away. It was mind boggling and mind blowing sex. Purtty Boi must be into the same thing. I don't know if I'm a fan yet. Undercover Brother is an Undercover Freak.

Now they say when you are about to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. After my near death experience with Undercover, the last year of my life kept me awake another hour. As I laid there in the dark, trying to make out the outlines of the trees through the cracks in the miniblinds, I wondered to my self if I really made the right decision leaving my boyfriend of 4 years. True love is hard to come by. I had someone who loved me despite all my flaws. I grew with him in those 4 years and now it was over. I threw it all away. Why? Up until last night I thought I'd understood the answer to that question. I'd done a pretty good job of explaining to everyone that we grew apart, our lives were leading in different directions, I felt he was too judgmental towards me, and I got tired of waiting for him to decide he wanted to marry me. Yes those reasons were apart of it. But ultimately I let him go because I thought there was something better out there, because I wanted someone different, because I thought that if I wasn't successful on my quest he would take me back easily. I wanted to have sex with Curve and try again with Jokes (ex and high school friend), but I messed up. I fucked up. I have found that there is nothing better than unconditional love and having someone who has your back all the way. There is nothing better than knowing that when you are down, your joy is just a phone call away. There is nothing like having someone think you are beautiful, even when you feel ugly. There is nothing like having someone who knows you better than you know yourself, to get you back on track. Someone who is always there. He was a constant for me. That constant is gone and it's been difficult navigating without him, without what he was to me. I wonder if I was any of those things for him.

Well one day I'll get that back. Not my ex, but everything he was. I just have to believe it. And I'll love him and only him and I'll never let him go.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I'm okay

Spring Break is over. My laptop is dead. I have lots of work. But I'll be posting a new blog entry this weekend. Thanks for checking in!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Mi Nuh Fraid

Purtty Boi AIM'd me yesterday. I was surprised. I would have thought he was busy begging his girlfriend to take him back. So he came over. He went straight for my computer. He doesn't even ask. He just goes right over and starts checking his myspace. Then he was like "This is why your computer is so slow. Look at all these pictures." So I'm thinking, "Why the hell do you think it's okay to be all up in my pictures?" Then he made me erase a bunch of them. It was actually good, because I was holding on to pictures I really didn't need. So he helped me. Fine.

So after he finished checking his myspace, snooping around my computer, and yelling at me for keeping old pictures and asking him too many questions, he looked up at me and smiled at me with his crooked boyish grin. So cute. I smiled back at him. Then he was like lets watch a movie. We put one on, but of course we didn't watch. I gave him some vitamin H instead.

Today he changed his profile song to this song called "Replacement Girl" by Drake feat. Trey Songs. That made me happy! Purtty Boi, he gwan luv me! LOL!

I am currently talking to Flip on the phone. He is too country. He sounds like Tyler Perry playing Madea. He just said immurn. He is trying to say immune. I can't take it. This won't work.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

National Piss Me the Fuck Off Week!

So clearly I have mood instability issues. Last week I was depressed. This week I'm angry. Waiting for the week I'll be happy again. A whole week. Not just a few days but a whole week.

So Purtty Boi is trying to get back with his girlfriend. What the fuck? He changed the song on his myspace to this I miss you, I want you back, Please forgive me girl song. He commented on his ex's page "I miss you princess. I love you. blah blah blah, wa wa wa!" She's gonna take him back of course. The only thing that may keep her from taking him back is that he hit her during their fight and when she threatened to call the police, he told her to go ahead because if she did he would beat her ass until they got there. What kinda shit is that? Anyway, she took down the picture of them kissing. I think she suspected something was going on between me and him, because he erased the comment I left on his page. This reminds me of someone???? MMM??? Oh yeah Papi!!! Piss Asses! Purtty's a virgo too and into music and into himself. Papi's thing was "I'm a Legend". Purtty's thing is "I'm rich. My family is rich. I never have to work." Shut the hell up. Are you sharing this money? No? Oh then shut the hell up, cause I could care less. He came to my house on Monday talking all that shit. I was thinking to myself, why the fuck are you even here? Then he started showing me pictures of all his exgirlfriends on myspace. Most of them were 18. He is 23. So I'm wondering when the hell could he have dated all these 18 year olds. He dated one when she was 13 years old. He would have been 18. What the hell? Then he's like, "I could have had a child" Really? "This ex here had a miscarriage." UHMM! I really didn't understand why he was sharing all of this. All his ex girlfriends are these exotic beauties with mixed ethnicities. So I was wondering if he just wants to brag about the beautiful women he's laid, or if he's like my girlfriends look better than you, or if he's like I've had girls just as beautiful as you. I don't know. All I know is that right now I'm kinda disgusted by him, with his fucked up teeth. LOL! First I thought they were cute, but now I'm thinking with all the money in your family, you shoulda been had them fixed!

I knew this would happen. I don't even want him for my man. I don't know why it pisses me off so much. She'll probably move back down here and I'll never hear from him again. I wonder if he wants his DVD's back. He has two of mine. I do want those back. I would kick his skinny little ass but he's a black belt in something, supposedly. So that wouldn't be a good idea. Das Weiner could do it for me!

I think I might be pissed because I hate adding uneccessary men to my list of men I've slept with. I like men to stick around for a little while and have a little meaning in my life. I'm not into "One night stands". I also am disgusted by his total disregard for my feelings. I am a real person ya know. I may have had sex with you without discretion, but I'm not a simple whore.

Other things have happened to make me angry, but I don't talk about personal stuff up here. LOL! personal stuff??!!

Anyway, Flip is really trying hard to get me to be his girlfriend. Everytime we talk it's like "I can't stop thinking about you. Do you feel the same way? Do you see yourself being by girlfriend? I think we could possibly get married oneday?" The weird thing is that I am starting to feel the same way he is. Not totally. I don't think about him constantly, because I have too many other things to think about. But with all the horrible luck I've had with men, it's nice to be with someone who is really actually into me and hasn't even held my hand or kissed me yet. Gosh. He bought me another gift. Isn't that sweet? He's like a sugar daddy, but young. I could be happy with him. He appreciates me for me and sees me the way I wish I could always see myself. Flip just can sound so gay on the phone and he has a cheesy smile. I listened to his music. He raps. And he sounds nothing like himself. It actually kinda turned me own almost. I sang for him, a song I made up to a Papi Chulo beat. He loved it. He's like, yeah we can produce some music together. Yea!!! I actually can't wait for him to get back from his job in Georgia so we can go out again and get to know each other and make music. Yuck, I might really be starting to like him. This is scary. Real feelings might develop. Am I ready for this? Not sure.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

L7 vs Hood

I went on my date with Flip last night at 3:00 am. He picked me up at my apartment. He drives a pick up truck, Country boy. I jumped in his truck, hoping I wouldn't be horrified by what I saw and I wasn't. He actually looks way better in person. He's brown skinned, 6ft, average build. Kinda chubby in the face, epicanthal folds in his eyelids, and an innocent smile, which all softened his look a bit. Jay-Z is still cuter though. LOL! We went to a 24 hr grill place downtown. Before we got out the car, he gave me my gift. It was a little glass sculpture of a hummingbird and flower, like the ones at the convenience store. I guess that's where he got it on his road trip. It's very beautiful. So we had nice convo over 4th meal. That's any meal after dinner. He grew up slopping hogs and tending to the chickens. He likes riding 4 wheelers and fishing. Again, Country boy! After 4th meal, Flip drove me home and we made plans to go fishing today. We didn't hug or kiss or nothing. Nice change of pace.

We never went fishing today though. He said he would call me after 1, but he didn't call until after 6. I called him back around 8. He said he was going to cook some Chicken Pastry. What the hell is that? I'll tell you in a minute. I told him I was "going out" and would call him later. I really don't enjoy talking to him on the phone that much. His country accent is so heavy, I can't understand him most of the time. Sorta like that dude on the adult cartoon "King of the Hill". Also, Flip sounds a little sweet, if you know what I mean. Effeminate. In person, he's all man, and I can understand his speech better. So after I finished "going out" I called him back and I asked if he made his Chicken Pastry and I asked him what it was. He said some people call it "Chicken Pot Pie" Some people? No, that's what everyone calls it. Chicken Pastry? That's something you made up. I just wanted to laugh a him, but I didn't. We talked a little more and then I told him I'd call him back after I got ready for bed. He didn't answer though, probably fell asleep.

Flip is my L7 (square) boy, because he's so country and a big softy. Even though he looks all hard on his pictures and he's got lots of hustles, he's a good guy. We will never have sex. I can just tell. We probably won't kiss. He doesn't look like much of a kisser, anyway. But they say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. You definitely can't judge by a myspace page.

I ended up "going out" with the other new guy I met on myspace today. He turned out to be really cool. He's fine! Straight Pretty Boy! Sexy Trinidadian Accent. I have to give him a nickname. Purtty Boi!

Around 1:30 pm, Purtty Boi called me on his way to the DMV near my apartment, to let me know he was coming out my way and wanted to see me. I started getting ready. He called me again and said to meet him at the bar in the laundromat next to the DMV. He'd be wearing a red sweat shirt. I'd passed that laundromat several times and had no idea there was a bar inside. How odd. So I get there and I see this cute skinny lightskinned guy, with a slicked down ceasar, looking really fly in his fresh white Nikes. And I thought to myself "This ain't gonna work. He's such a pretty boy and pretty boys don't really go for me much." He was playing pool with some Korean guys. He smiled and gave me a hug and checked me out. I couldn't tell yet if he liked what he saw. I could tell he had some really crooked teeth. But they were crooked in a cute way. I know that sounds silly, but sometimes cute guys have crooked teeth that just give their face more character, rather than distract from their cuteness. Like Chris Brown for instance. His teeth are clearly crooked and he has a lisp, but it all works together to enhance his cuteness. I don't know.

So he asked me if I wanted anything and bought me a Corona (the only beer I can tolerate the taste of). I watched him play a couple of rounds of pool. In between shots he talked to me, while puffing on his cigarettes. Yeah, he smokes. I'm not too into that. Flow smokes, but at least this guy is young and kinda just starting out. So it's not so bad. He'll stop if he hangs with me. Or I'll get lung cancer.

Anyway, We had pretty good convo. He let me play with his sidekick phone. Then he invited me to his house to meet his Aunt, who he lives with, and her boyfriend. So by then I was thinking maybe he actually likes me. We went to their home and ate lunch/dinner. His aunt speaks spanish and english and she is very cool. He said she'll get me drunk one day. Interesting. Then we went to his room and that's where things got really interesting.

We were watching the horror movie "Pulse" and then he started kissing me on the cheek and trying to tickle me and silly stuff like that. I was like "okay??? I like just met you yo", in my head. Then he was like "Want to know a secret?" I was like yeah. "Guess what it is.", he grinned. I guessed a bunch of crazy stuff, like you are going to kill me, you have an extra toe. He said, "No it's something I like about you." I guessed a few things, which were all correct, but wasn't what he was looking for. He finally pointed to my lips. I was like, "Oh you want to kiss me?" He was like yeah. I said "I know". So I let him kiss me. And I let him kiss me again and again and again. And he was like "Oh let me find out you can kiss."

So we continued to watch the rest of the movie. After it ended, Purtty Boi turned on some Reggae music. Then he asked me if I was shy. I said yeah. "So I have to be the aggressor?" he asked. I said "Usually." He was like I can handle that. And he certainly did. We kissed some more and he started grinding on me. Then I started imagining how good his sex would be and I got really lost in my head and I was like, "Woah" and I pushed him away a bit, cause I was getting too turned on. He said "What? Am I turning you on?" I confirmed his assumption. "Well if I'm turning you on that means you're turning me on so that's a good thing. Don't worry about it." I wasn't sure I wanted to go there yet. But we kept going! The clothes started coming off and the hands started touching naked body parts. Purtty Boi's good with his hands. I love it when a guy knows what to do with his hands down there. So we kept going. He asked me to go down on him. Something I really can't resist and he asked so politely. LOL! Yeah I'm so into that. I love it. I hate to admit it, but I love fellatio. It's like my favorite thing to do sexually. Does that make me crazy?

So we kept going and the next thing I knew, we were doing it in his bed to some Reaggaeton. He was on top the whole time. He came. Then we went back to my apartment and had sex to the movie "Friday". This time we started out doggy style. He wanted me to come. But I didn't, that's like a difficult thing most of the time. That's my favorite position and I usually achieve climax in that position if it's gonna happen. Then he went back on top again, but we didn't finish. He went soft on me. MMMM? I hate when that happens. I don't know why it happened. And I think he was embarassed, but I was more embarassed cause of course I feel like it was my fault. And maybe it was. I'm not sure I'll ever know.

At any rate, he has a nice size penis. Bigger than what I believe to be average. He's in between Flow and Radio with his. But he curves like Das Weiner. The sex? Regular. Not what I was imagining when he was pushing up on me earlier. Maybe I should teach him how to make love to me, but I've never had to do that before. I'm trying to think of ways. I mean I think about how Curve does it. He likes to stay on his knees. Flow likes to be sideways. Papi liked it best when I was sideways. I probably should have been more aggressive and just gotten on top. Honestly, I hate being on top. I'm too self-conscious for that. I want it to look good, so that's what I think about, rather that if it feels good. But most men love it. So it's something I try to get over and just do. I think that was Papi's fustration with me. So maybe Purtty Boi and I can teach each other a few things.

So Purtty Boi is my hood boi cause he's from NY. He lived in the hood, Brooklyn and Queens, sold coke, threw parties, made money, and spent money. He's a name brand junkie. He makes raggae beats and is a good chatter, genious chatter off the top of his head. On the way back to his house, he said we could make music together and see if we can get studio time or something. I was suprised he actually still wanted to chill with me after the failed second attempt at sex. Good though! I'm kinda excited, but we'll see what happens. He just broke up with his girlfriend and she even called him while were together. She called from one of his friend's phones. When he realized it was her and not his friend, he hung up on her. They most likely will get back together, in my opinion. She actually came down here with him and was going to stay, but they got in a horrible fight and she went on back up to NY. Reminds me of Papi's situation when we first started out, big time. History may repeat itself, but I hope not. Maybe his west inidianess will make him less of a jerk than Papi was.

So who do I like better? It's really hard to say. I definitely like hanging out with my hood boi the best. I think we would have the most fun clubbing, bar hopping, making music, etc. I already invited him out with me and my girls next weekend. I know my L7 is always gonna treat me right and hold me up in the romance department. He is easy to take advantage of, something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing, unless I felt like he owed me. So at this point, I can't tell who will end up sticking around. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say Flip, my L7 boy.