Thursday, February 28, 2008

Update: Papi's Single Again...I think

I think Papi's single again (Don't ask how I know). I'm not sure I can trust my source anymore. Maybe they don't know what they're talking about. It's all very confusing. Anyway, I just wanted to give that update. Also I'm nominating him for a music award. Yeah I know.

Myspace makes the world smaller

I had a patient last year. She was an African lady who had recently had surgery for resection of an ovarian tumor. She was back in the hospital because her foot went numb and she couldn't move it. I diagnosed her with peroneal nerve palsy, probably due to the position she was in during the surgery. I was proud of myself for figuring that one out. That's why I like medicine. You ask questions and investigate the evidence, you check your resources and suddenly you know exactly what's wrong with a person and all the pieces fit together. That happens occasionally. Anyway, I mention this woman, because she wanted to hook me up with her son. I was with my most recent ex at the time, so I let her know I was taken. She was dissapointed and said she had told her husband, "that I was very pretty and thin and going to be a doctor." I was flattered cause I'm not thin at all. I just have skinny arms. So anyway, she was a nice lady and when I would check in on her, she would talk to me forever about marriage and love and she was just really pleasant. Okay so let me get to the point. A couple of weeks ago this African guy on myspace requested me as a friend. He seemed to be a nice guy so I added him and we've emailed a little bit. Last night, I was emailing with him and I decided to check out his pictures. I'd looked at them before, but hadn't looked at his family pictures. So I'm checking out these family pics and I notice the picture of his mom and I'm like I know that lady. So I ask him, "Was your mom in the hospital recently?" He didn't answer back right away. I checked my email this morning and he wrote back, "Yeah, how did you know?" Wow this is a small world, made even smaller by Myspace.

Skittles called me at 2 am this morning. I was still up, but I wasn't happy. I asked what he was up to so late. He said "I'm thinking about coming there and getting under the sheets with you." I said, "You know you're like several hours away?" He said, "You just ruined the fantasy." I was like, "Sorry." Then he asked me to send a "cute picture" of myself to his phone. So I did. But I took like 45 minutes to do it and I guess he fell asleep cause when I tried to call him back he didn't answer. Oh well.

I called Flow this morning. He was happy to hear from me. I know I said I wasn't going to talk to him anymore, but...I dont' know why I called. He asked me if I thought his friend from New York was trying to sleep with me. At first I was like I don't know. I didn't want to break up a good friendship, but then Flow said he wouldn't put it past him cause the guy is sneeky. So I told him yeah, his friend was trying to get with me. See during our several conversations throughout that day that his friend asked me to come to see Flow, he kept trying to come to the hotel to see me. He would say, "If Flow doesn't come, I'll come there and spend some time with you." or he would ask, "Do you want me to come bring you something to eat or drink?" He was trying to get me drunk. I'm in my late 20's not early 20's, so I've had a little experience. I don't know why he thought he could trick me into sleeping with him instead. He should have just been honest about it. I might have considered it then lol!, but I don't like being treated like a fool. So Flow is going to cut him off.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Das Weiner ist mein freund

Das Weiner called me today from work. We talked about his broken relationship and life's changes. He met his ex girl in Mexico. Isn't that crazy. Her and her son moved in with him a few months after that. They've been together for 1 1/2 years. He said they didn't work out because they come from 2 different backgrounds. They just can't get along anymore. So he has given her 3 weeks to get out of his house. He wants to fly me out to AZ to see him once things settle down between him and her. This is a good thing. I really like Das.

He asked me how many kids I want. I told him that I am not in control of my fertility so as many as God gives me and as many as I can afford to take care of. He said he wants to have a least 3. I guess that puts us in the same boat. Some people say those types of things are really important in a marriage. I guess they are. But I think opposite extremes are what cause the most strain. Someone who wants no children with someone who wants several. Someone who is muslim with someone who is scientologist. Those relationships are toughest and most likely would never work. When differences aren't that extreme, compromise is possible. That's the beauty of a good relationship, two people fufilling each other's needs and wants, sacrificing their own. MMMM, Luv!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


Skittles accidently deleted me from his myspace friends, but at the same time he wasn't quick to try to get me back either. Oh well, maybe he does have a future. Myspace Reality! LMAO


Well that was extremely short lived. I guess our conversation was more awkward than I originally thought. He's really not a nice person. He deleted me as a myspace friend and changed his status to "Money over Bitches!". Wow! Who am I talking about? Skittles, the cute druggy. Pouring out some liquor for the death of the hope of moving on or getting some or whatever could have been. I'll try not to cry...


Well, the love life's picking up a bit and I do mean a bit in every since of the word. Met a guy on myspace. He's in FL. So it's kinda pointless to talk to him, but if he likes me enough maybe he'll come see me. He's 35 and pretty hot. Light skinned, light brown eyes, muscular, lots of tatts, nice smile. He is an independent rapper and limo driver. We've only talked on the phone once and it went alright. It's been such a long time since I last actually tried to get to know someone before meeting them. I've been so backwards since I broke up with my man of 4 years, last summer. It was a little awkward talking to him. He seems like a nice guy, but he wasn't quick to affirm this when I mentioned it. So I don't know what this guy is really about. He does music and works part time. He apparently is also going to school part time. He's a bit of a druggy and does X on the weekends. Who over 21 does X? I thought that was like a high school thing. He calls them skittles. So that's gonna be his nickname, Skittles! We'll see what happens with him.

I've been emailing with Das Weiner. Das Weiner, such an appropriate name for him. Click on his name to find out why. LOL! Anyway, he broke up with his live in girlfriend recently and is in the process of kicking her and her son out. He feels bad about it, because of the kid. I would too. He should have married her if they were gonna be shacking up with the kid. Otherwise they should have stayed in separate homes or just been friends in the same home. That's just my opinion. I'm a Dr. Laura Schlesinger fan (even though I don't follow her advice, it's good) and she would agree with me.

I don't think anything could happen between me and Das Weiner ever again. He's all the way in AZ. I've been there once. Hated it! It was like walking around in an oven, not a sauna, but an oven. The heat was so dry, I didn't even sweat. I just baked. Maybe I'll get a chance to visit him though. Who knows what the future holds? No seriously, who knows, cause I need to talk to them real quick.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Stigmatization of Papi

Papi has a "girlfriend". (Don't ask how I know) I put it in quotes because, well a "girlfriend" to Papi is any girl that let's him fuck her and another broad, but doesn't fuck anybody else. Hence why I couldn't be his "girlfriend". This one is a Khia look alike. A few steps up from his #1 fan who snitched on me. Well I think this will last a good month and that's an over estimate.

I no longer miss him. Yeah!!! I don't know if it was him getting a "girlfriend" or...who am I kidding? That's exactly why. Now that he's "taken" again, I just see that he's not really much of a catch. Strange logic, I know, but I guess the fact that he suddenly wifed up some myspace chick who lives hundreds of miles away makes me think he really doesn't care. He just wants to be with someone, anyone who won't mind his cheating heart. He's not ready to really build and support a solid relationship.

I was thinking. Papi acted like he was such a big deal. He told me he dated Buffy the Body. I wondered why Buffy the Body would date him. I thought maybe they went to high school together or something, but maybe Papi is kind of a big deal, a bit of a celebrity. Now, should I feel privledged to have breathed the same air as him? He probably feels that way and his groupies obviously feel that way. But me? I don't judge people on their reputation among the masses, but on how they come across to me. I had an attending who is a well known Cardiologist. He was really a big deal. But he definitely had a boys club type mentality. He looked out for and interacted with the male residents and students more than us females. I couldn't respect him once I realized this. I was no longer impressed by his extensive resume and reduced him to a sexist jerk.

One of my professors was talking about the stigmatization of HIV infected women in Vietnamese society. She asked if it was the same in America. I initially thought that was the case for parts of American society other than the one in which my classmates and I live and work. I thought about how Papi Chulo said to me "If a man cheats, he can just take a shower and it's like nothing happened, but a woman? If she has sex with a man, she can wash all she wants but she'll never be the same." I bet Flow feels the same way. Flow and Papi are the type of men that don't want their women (pluralize the plural) fucking anybody else. They think this is protecting them, when in actuality they are putting themselves at more risk by having multiple partners. So according to this philosophy women are always to blame for spreading STIs. If this were true then women wouldn't even get infected. If a shower could stop the spread of STI's, STI prevention lectures would go like this: "Men, take a shower after sex. Women, douche, then douche again." But it's doesn't work that way, clearly.

Now how do we get men (and women) to stop stigmatizing and blaming women. Some say individual cognitive and behavior change, but the truth is this is a much larger problem. Parker and Aggleton stated in their paper "HIV and AIDS-related stigma and discrimination: a conceptual framework and implications for action" (Social Science & Medicine 57(2003)13-24), stigmatizations is "a process linked to competition for power and the legitimization of social hierarchy and inequality. It's like racism, in that in order for certain groups to have power and domination of other groups, those certain groups must make the others feel inferior and also make themselves feel superior. This is done by perpetuating ideologies that may not be true, like the one mentioned above. So how do we fix it? Changes at the Policy level seem to help: laws that prohibit certain types of discrimination. The community level is useful: programs and media campaigns that educate and bring about awareness among the masses. But honestly inequality and hierarchies are an inherent part of any society and I believe it boils down to the way people think. So until we can find an cost-effective/individual-centered way to get everyone cognitive behavioral therapy, stigmatization, discrimination, sexism, racism, etc will always be at play in some way..

Anyway, I'm glad Papi has a "girlfriend". Honestly, I hope they stay together and that he can be faithful to her. Keep him off the streets and out of other women's sheets.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Violent Streak

Curve made me promise not to deal with Sug anymore. He said he was too dangerous for me. He might come after me. So I've been trying really hard not to call him. My phone was out of commission for about a week so that helped, but now that it's back on...I'm having a hard time not dialing his number, especially since I know he'll give me some cash. I've also decided on my own not to call Flow anymore. That's a little bit easier. I'd be calling him for sex only and I'd have to travel for that, something I don't want to do. I also thought about calling Radio, but I don't know...that would be like teasing myself, since he's 300 miles away. Papi's out of the question since he'll just yell at me and call the police. But I still miss him. It's so dumb. He's not even worth all these emotions, but I can't help but wish things had ended up differently. Oh God, get him out of my brain please (I beg while listening to the Miami Show CD we made together. Why do I torture myself so? I'm hopeless. But I picked some really good songs.) Why did I have to meet him? Why?! Why do I even care?! You know what would make me feel better? If I could go punch him in the arm. That would help. If I could just tell him off and punch him in the arm.

I like beating on guys. Ever since I smacked the smirk off of Tracks little freckled face in elementary school, hitting guys has been fun. I don't do it all the time. I got in a play fight with a guy on the bus in 5th grade. I hit a guy for smacking me on the butt that same year. I punched a guy in the arm in 7th grade. In high school, a friend and I staged a wrestling match with two of our guy friends. After that I tried to smack one of them unsuccessfully out side of school. I kicked the other one in the balls once for trying to lock my friend in the boys bathroom stall. It was actually an accident. I was just kicking whatever body part was closest and his junk happened to be it. In college, I hit a guy repeatedly in the back because he pushed me out of the way to get on a party bus. I also attacked a guy with a stick for joking on me (his girlfriend didn't like me). He had on a puffy coat, so I'm sure it didn't hurt. I got in a slap fight in the Walmart parking lot with the ex I hate. I used to play slap my most recent ex all the time. He liked it though because it was usually during intimate moments. I smacked Papi the night he was talking in Spanish to that chick on the phone, after we left this burrito place. He liked it too. I wanted to do it again, but he was eating his nachos. Smacking guys around is fun and they can take it.

It's so strange because I'm not a violent person. I've never been in a real fight with any girls. I remember in 8th grade, I was defending a friend against some girls who were joking on her because she was obese. One of the girls said to me, "If you say one more word, I'm gonna slap you." I opened my mouth, but after a second of thought decided I didn't want to be slapped because then I'd have to fight her. So I missed my one chance to get into a real fight. Right now for the first time in my life, I think maybe I should have said something. How much different would my life be, if I went into high school with a blemished record, a set of enemies, and a reputation. In high school, there was this one guy that hated me because I rejected him. He tried to hit me with soccer balls during PE once. I was walking away from him and each time a ball flew pass me, I turned around and mocked him, "Ha! You missed me." and turned right back around. I felt invinscible. I could have fought him. I mean if one of those balls actually hit me, I would have had to do something. So maybe that was another missed opportunity, but only because he had bad aim. The only other time maybe was at a club this summer, when this chick decided to say something about my large asset. She was so jealous. I could have gotten gully with! But i'm just not that type of person, besides she didn't say it to me, just loud enough for me to hear.

So anyway, if I could find a way to yell at Papi and then hit him in the arm (and then run away before he called the police) I would. That would be such good therapy. But alas, it will never happen. So in the mean time I just sit here wondering if Burbs is really who he says he is or if he's some inmate who gets computer time once a week and wondering when Curve is going to try to fill in for for all the men he's making me push out of my life.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

You ain't got Sh*t

Please pardon my french, but I felt I needed to address something that was directed toward me. And in my true chameleon style, I will stick to the format of lyrical expression. Here it goes:

You a stupid mutha fuckin bitch, if you think that man loves you
Yes a stupid mutha fuckin bitch is what I was too
Yeah, we stupid mutha fuckin bitches only difference is
I figured him out, but you still don’t get that shit

Maybe you happy playing the fool
But that’s the kinda shit I don’t take from no dude
I’m too cleva of a bitch, working on my 3rd degree
Mutha fucka’s always lieing, but like New York my 3rd eye sees

And I ain’t no groupie. Never been a fan.
Before he gave me his number, never heard of the man.
Now I’m realizing, never shoulda said hello
Sing it Keyshia Cole, shoulda let his ass go

Fuck that nigga. You can have my sloppy seconds.
Fuck a nigga who’s always fucking reckless
Putting his dick in any bitch rocking a necklace
Don’t care if that bitch ain’t never been tested

Yeah I’m still sweating, steady pressin
Tryna make sure that fucka learns his lesson
But as long as there are love sick bitches like you and me
A nigga’ll never learn to keep his dick out the streets

Women like me don’t usually fuck with men like you
You ain’t even a man, you’s a pussy ass dude
Sending your goupie ass girlfriends to settle your beef
While you lay at home and cry on your sheets

You stepped in some shit. Now you mad cause it stinks
Can’t get if off your shoe. Maybe next time you’ll think
No man will play me without getting burned
So to all these dudes that think it’s they turn
“This is your final warning”: Be Genuine, or you’ll get hurt.
Respect what you get. I know my worth.

Felt my Emotions. “It’s over and done.” I’m thru.
Messed with ghetto mutha fuckas and paid my dues
Rising above, never looking below
I’m a beautiful Pheonix. Let ‘em fuck with them crows

I’m multifaceted.
My steez, no one can master it
I can put you in your death bed with the stroke of my pen.
Write some sick lyrics or a lethal prescription…

-Celebrity Star

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Papi Chulo Revisted The Finale

Well these are the final lost entries of Papi Chulo. This was our final week, before I blew him up to his girls.

PC Part XV
Papi Again
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I called Papi Chulo today. He didn't answer but he called me back. I missed the call but called him back later. We talked a bit about different things. We made plans to go out this Friday. Then he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said yeah. Then he asked if I would have a threesome with him. I said no. I was like "I'm sure there are plenty of women who'd be willing to do that with you, but not me." He said, "I know, but I wanted to see if you'd join in." Whatever. Then we started talking about other things like the history of reproductive health policy in the US, racism, etc. Then he said he'd call me in an hour, but never did. I doubt he'll call me today. We'll just go out Friday hopefully and have a nice time.

The only way I'd have a threesome with him is if I was really cool with the girl or if we were married for life. I can't believe he seriously asked me that and then agreed that he could get some other girls to do it. What the hell?

My Ex and Missing Papi
Friday, February 1, 2008
Papi's sick so we couldn't go out tonight. Do I believe he's that sick? No not really. Do I believe he's checking for some other chick right now? That's much more believable.

My Ex that I hate decided to resurface again. And yes I meant to be redundant, because he is. He IM'd me. I was very mean to him. I had to be. He said he loves me and he knows I love him. I told him I actually hate him and he's delusional. Does he believe me? No. Delusional people tend to only believe what they make up in their own minds.

Maybe I'm delusional for thinking Papi really really wants to be with me. I thought about exposing Papi. But you know what? I think I'll wait. I mean he could really be feeling bad right now and just knocked out. Maybe

Arrgh Papi!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Papi Chulo is so rude. After standing me up last night and not calling to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to go out, he calls me today to ask if I know anyone who sells weed. Of course I don't which he should have known before he called me. We talked a little bit more about his cold and his friend and then he said he'd call me back. Well he didn't call me back which I expected.

I was leaving to go to a cocktail party and I decided to call Papi to ask if he wanted me to stop by afterward. I figured he'd say no, but I thought the gesture would be nice. Well, i was wrong. I called and he didn't answer. His voice mail picked up and a new song started playing. I liked it, but I didn't leave a messagae. About 5 minutes later my phone rang. It was Papi. I told him, "I like your new song." "Okay" he replied. "Okaaaay?"I was throne off by that response. "Yeah Okay. What do you want?" "Well I was just calling to let you know I was going out and--" Papi interrupted, "I told you I'm sick. Why--" I interrupted Papi, "Well then I'll leave you alone so you can get your rest and I won't bother you anymore." "Thank--" I hung up before Papi could finish his sarcastic expression of gratitude.

I was just trying to be nice to him. Show him I was thinking about him. I hadn't even called him since like Wednesday when we were back on track. Seems like everytime Papi and I get it together, he goes and acts like a jerk. I understand he's sick, but unless I'm truly bothering the hell out of him, he shouldn't act that way. And not calling in 3 days is not bothering him. I mean I should be mad at him for not calling to confirm that he wasn't well enough to go out. But did I even say anything about that. No! So why am I getting the cold shoulder from him. I don't know other than the fact that Papi Chulo can be a rude MF sometimes.

I just finished watching the end of a dog show. Papi Chulo reminds me of a dog. Sometimes he's like a puppy. Like when we first met and he was down on his knees and looked up at me with his sad puppy dog eyes and said "Why are you being so nice to me? Girls usually use me." Just like a puppy he'll sometimes do exactly what he thinks you want him to do, hoping you'll give him a treat. But other times Papi is a vicious dog. Having been abused and neglected he doesn't understand how to allow a person to help and care for him. He'll bite your hand if he feels threatened so as not to again be hurt. I guess that's why he's so close to his dogs. I really don't think I can deal with him anymore. No seriously...

The end.

After I exposed my blog to some of Papi's female friends, he called me the next morning. Of course I didn't answer. He left several messages and then finally texted me. I read it. It asked me to take everything down and said he'd already called the police. I disabled my blog and took down my myspace. I called him back. He yelled at me and threatened a class action law suit, which I thought was the dumbest thing I ever heard. I wanted to ask who he was going to be representing in this class action suit, but I thought that would be inappropriate for the situation. He said he was going to file a restraining order against me for harassment. He was like "I didn't even do anything." I wanted to be like "Um. You fool!" But I had to be serious and scared so he would think I regretted it. Which I did, but honestly I couldn't help but smile. It was a sinister smile that I had to hide for a while, because you are not supposed to enjoy your revenge.

Well after a day or two I looked up my rights and realized the only thing I might have done wrong is direct people to my blog. Otherwise, if Papi had gone through with all of his planned legal actions, he would have been sorely dissapointed.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Papi Chulo Revisited Quatre

Nothing is happening, which I guess is good since I have a couple of papers to write this week. Burbs went missing again, which is not good. The positive energy I was feeling from him is really seeping away. I don't know if I can be excited about talking to him anymore.

So here's more Papi Culo Revisited. Sorry there's no date on the 1st one. I just don't feel like trying to figure it out. The second one starts out weird. In another post before that, I said Papi didn't answer my email the way I would have wanted him to. I also stated he was gonna end up calling me like they always do. I can't find this entry. I probably completely erased it after "the incident". boohoo!

I am weak
Yeah I wrote Papi Chulo. I am ashamed to even say. But I was having a very weak moment and I decided to write him this semi-long email about how much I missed him. Yeah I was missing him for that one moment. I mean, I have been missing him. He's crazy but I like him. Besides there are no other options right now. I did see a cute guy running pass the bus stop today. But I don't pick up guys off the street. Internet only! LOL! But if he had tried to talk to me I would have given him my number.

Really the only guy that I could potentially forget Papi Chulo for would be this pediatric resident in my program. He is asian. Filipino I think, but I'm not sure. Maybe Cambodian or Laotian for all I know, but I do definitely know he's cute and funny. We've hung out before, in a group actually, watching boxing, at a bar. We sat next to each other and joked about everything. We have the same sense of humor. It was great. He's one of those men that would be really respectful and I'd make him wait until we're married to have sex. But honestly, he would probably never be in a serious relationship with me, cause besides our sense of humor we're very different people.

Don't Get Mad Get Glad
Monday, January 28, 2008
What did I tell you? Papi Chulo called today. I was in class. So I had to call him back. He at times. I just don't get him. He's mad at me, well he says he's not mad at me, but he told me I was acting like a ho, which is what people who are mad at you sometimes say to indicate they're mad at you.

He was trying to give me advice on my money situation. Which I appreciate, but then he asked me if I'd slept with anyone. I tried to lie, but I'm not a good liar, so he saw through it (or heard through it rather). So he responded, "I'm not mad. I just know that you can't be my girlfriend." Scrrrrreeeeech! Um that was apparent to me a few days back, which is why I slept with someone else, but you are now just getting the news flash? I mean sure I'd like to be Papi's main squeeze, but one problem. The side squeezes that he doesn't hide from public view or from me. The blatant disrepect. You think I'd deal with that humiliation. I'm sure some comments are gonna pop up now from like 2 weeks ago on his myspace with some girl saying "I'll come over tomorrow Papi", just like last time. He is so frustrating. So then when I'm like "well did you sleep with anyone?" (over these past couple of weeks that you refused to maintain contact with me) He's like "that's not the question. don't try to switch things up." Uhm, I'm not trying to switch things up and I have the right to know. When he finally decided to answer. He lied and said no. He told me he had been tired and didn't even want to have sex. He explained that it's too much work to sleep with other girls, because you have to pretend to be their man, etc. Come on Papi. You've never had trouble sleeping with different women before. You think I'm stupid. That's why I can't be your girlfriend. I don't get him. Then he starts telling me I said things that I haven't said, like 'I'm mad at him for not committing to me.' Never said that. He was like, "Not in those exact words." I was like "Oh so your assuming that's what I was saying." He said he would send me the emails. I'm thinking he's confusing me with some other girl which he's done before. I think he realized this and droped it. Then he was like, "You aren't patient enough. I do this with girls. I leave them alone for a while and if they haven't slept with anyone then I know they can handle being my girl, but if they have then I can't be with them." I guess I'm supposed to feel bad because I didn't pass the test. Truth is, I kinda do, but at the same time I know that I could never have been Papi's girl.

Well Papi called me back and now I feel really bad. He actually was being really nice to me and giving me advice and critique that made sense. I learned about support networks and social support in one of my courses. He would fit under Appraisal support and maybe Instrumental support. I feel like the kidnapped woman who starts to identify with her kidnapper. Oh well. We're supposed to be good friends now. I can be his good friend. It's fine.

I text messaged Flow earlier today. When we were together this weekend, he told me he wants to take a trip to Vegas. He didn't really ask me to go, but I thought about it this morning and asked if he wanted to take me to Vegas with him. He said yes. but then when I tried to call him, I got no answer. So I'm thinking his damn friend is butting in again.

I'm gonna go work out. I plan to lose about 15lbs and get back to my high school weight. Back then I could fit into a size 6 depending on the cut. Now I think I could probably fit into a 10 at that weight.

Papi Chulo Revisited to be continued....

Friday, February 15, 2008

Papi Chulo Revisted Trois

Well I don't know how Papi's Valentine's Day went. I'm guessing he spent it contracting HIV or some other STD or maybe he spent it alone. Doesn't matter I had a good night. I'm gonna stop being bitter though. I'll keep posting, but I'm not going to be angry anymore.

PC Part XI
Thursday, January 14, 2008
previously posted under Well...
I did end up calling Papi Chulo. He said he was upset about the 911 conspiracy debunking I wrote on Saturday night and sent to his email. He felt I was insulting him. So he left a message on my phone saying don't call him anymore and he called me weird, which is a stupid thing to call someone, especially if you yourself are weird. So anyway, he also responded to my email basically saying the same thing and then I responded back but he never read the responses. So I called him Sunday and we talked for a bit. Most of the conversation was about 911 and the evil government. It was the worse. I came away feeling like Papi Chulo is a waste of my time. At the end of the conversation he said I could call him today, but I didn't feel like it. So I didn't. He hasn't emailed or called so that's the end. But at least we are on better terms now.

Friday, January 22, 2008
previously posted under Update Project Runway StylePapi Chulo...Lots has happened. He erased the myspace posts from "the other woman". Why? I guess because we were back on for a while. Last Tuesday, I called him to see if I could come over. After complaining that I didn't call him on Monday (so random), he was like "Yeah you should come over. I'm hungry." I was like what do you want to eat. I was hoping he'd say he wanted to go out to eat, but he was like "Um I want a # 1 from Mcdonald's." I said "Okay. Is this how you make your living?" Why did I say that? Papi immediately went off, "What? You think I'm a bum?." I was thinking Yeah, I was trying to come spend time with you and your like bring me food. This isn't the first time you've done that. Sounds like a bum to me. I'm sure you use women all the time. Bum ass Bum! But I said, "No I don't think you're a bum. It's just I want to come see you and your immediately like bring me food." He argued, "Haven't I brought you food before? I never complained. That's what people do for each other." I get that, but I never asked him to bring me food. It feels weird. We went back and forth some more and he ended up telling me not to call him or ride by his house or anything. I called him a cry baby. He said he would just grill some salmon and shrimp on his new griddle. I was like good for you!! How about you should have invited me over for salmon and shrimp instead of asking for McDonald's. It was crazy.

The following day, I called him in the afternoon even though he told me not to. He called me back almost immediately and told me that he was in my city and needed to borrow some gas money. He explained that his accountant was in a meeting and he wasn't going to be able to get her to transfer money from his business account to his personal account before the bank closed. He said it all so sheepishly. He was probably reluctant to ask since he thinks I think he's a bum. But I agreed to give it to him. We met up at Bank of America. He got in the car with me and he pulled me in close to him and we started making out. He was like "You look so good. We have to make love within the next couple of days." I was like "oh really?!" So I spent the night at his house that night. But it didn't go so great.

He got mad at me for laughing at him. Like seriously mad. So mad that we didn't even have sex because I "don't respect" him. We did nothing and I barely slept cause his gazillion dogs kept climbing on the bed. He woke up a couple of times in the night and he wrapped his arms around me and said "I love you so much." What the hell? I wrapped my arms around his and said "I love you to Papi." The next morning he asked if I was mad at him. I just said no. But really I was mad because he invited me over for nothing. When I tried to put my arm around him, he rejected me, but kept hugging me and saying he loved me. Why? I was confused about him. I came to the conclusion that he was probably fucking that girl and didn't want to fuck me. In a sick (as in mentally ill) way, that means he cares about me.

I called that Thursday night just to see how he was doing and say goodnight. We talked for about 30 seconds. He didn't call me baby or mami or nothing. I could tell he was preoccupied, probably with that stupid myspace bitch. I hate her. Anyway, that was that.

On Friday, I noticed a number calling from Papi Chulo's city, that I had never seen before. I was thinking it could be one of Papi Chulo's groupie girls that had gotten in his phone. Maybe. I called to ask him if he knew the number. He said no and I said okay. Then the phone went dead. He called back a few minutes later from a restricted number and said that he dropped his phone in a bucket of water. He keeps a bucket of water to clean dog poop. Anway, he went on to yell at me for calling and asking him about someone calling me from his city. UM?! I recall him asking me if I had told girls from my school about him because he was getting lots of myspace messages from girls from here. I didn't get mad. But Papi Chulo is so sensitive, like a little bitch sometimes. So he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and he put on a show for his cousin, putting the phone down and saying "I can't even hear you, bla bla bla" That was the end. But I sent him a text reminding him that he owed me money. Saturday he called and said he would meet me Monday to pay me back.

Yesterday, he met with me to give me the $13 I let him borrow and so I could give him back some books he let me borrow. I dressed up really nice and I looked really good. I wore a brown low cut wrap style shirt, my skinny jeans and brown pumps. My hair was in it's naturally curly state looking like a beautiful black mane framing my high cheekbones. I checked myself in the car mirror, making sure my lipgloss made my lips shimmer in the moonlight. As I got to the corner of the TJ Maxx where we were planning to meet. He called me and started yelling "Where are you? You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago." I just said "I guess it takes 20 minutes to get here" "hurry up, I got stuff to do", he replied. So I pulled into the parking lot parallel to, but facing opposite of him, so that we faced each other. I rolled down my window and he rolled down his. When his eyes settled on me, his head jumped back. But he quickly corrected it and acted like he didn't care how gorgeous I looked. We did our little trade. As I rolled my window back up, I could see him taking a second look at me, like a little puppy dog. It felt so good.

I sent Papi an email asking if he was okay and if he needed help with anything. He answered, but I'm not gonna read it. I'm not even going to contact him again. I'm just going to pretend I fell off the face of the earth. I remember when he asked, if he disappeared for two weeks, what I would do. Well now I'm gonna dissapear instead and see what he does. Ha Ha HA!!!! I feel bad about it. Cause I actually really like Papi Chulo and I would like to try to have a real relationship/friendship with him. But it's just impossible. He doesn't try to hide the fact that he's seeing other girls and he blows up for no reason way too much. My hope is that he'll miss me and try to contact me and I can just sit back and watch as the messages pile up. But he might not even do all that. Papi Chulo's got so many groupies, he'll find a few to pass the time with easily. I might feel like I'm special, but honestly he might be like a serial monogomous or something. Sharing intimate details of his life with every girl he meets and then acting like an ass to get rid of them so he can move on to the next. I want to believe that he felt something with me that he doesn't feel with other girls, but he could just be really good at covering up his real feelings.

Oh well. I'm not gonna waste my time trying to figure it out. I have so much work to do.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Burbs to Save the Day

Well, my best girlfriend from school canceled on me. Her grandmother wanted to treat her grandkids to a Valentine's Day dinner. So I spent the evening alone. I went to the fashion show, which was great. It was fashions from around the world. I wish I had known about it before this week. I would have volunteered as a model. I have a mean runway walk! I kept making eyes with the cute doctor from class, but he was being shy. Which is rude, because it's not like we've never hung out. I won a broach made in Mexico during a silent auction. I don't know why they call it winning. When you win a prize it should be free. I didn't really want to spend the money and was hoping someone would out bid me. Oh well...I left the show feeling kind of dejected. Valentine's Day was turning out to be a bust!

I got home and moped around a bit. I pouted and pouted and tried to cry, but tears wouldn't come. It would have been too lame to cry cause I don't have Valentine. I started watching Lost. I checked my myspace. Nothing. I checked my email. Nothing. I checked my other email. Nothing. I finished watching Lost. I checked my myspace. Nothing. I checked my email. Gasp!!!! Burbs!!! He wrote me back, finally. AAAAAAAH! Burbs!!!! He's no longer MIA. In fact he's in it to win it! We talked for about an hour on the YIM. He'd been very busy training some new employees and had been up 37 hours straight. Poor baby. I can sympathize with him. Being on call is the pits, especially on a busy night where it seems everyone wants to be sick. Anyway, we had a really great convo and I can honestly and truthfully with all of my mind and soul say, "I really like Burbs."

Oh yeah. Found out Burbs isn't a Capricorn. I put in a randome birthday on the website. Boooo! He's a Virgo like me. Which is cool. I already determined that Virgos can be very compatible if the two virgos involved are willing to put in the work. What's up with me running into all these Virgos. Flow, then Papi, now Burbs! 3rd times a charm! 3 strikes your out! Which will it be?!

My thoughts and prayers go out for those affected by the tragedy at Northern Illinois University.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Papi Chulo Revisited Deux

Well Tomorrow is the big V-Day. This is the first time that I'll be single on Valentine's Day in 5 years. Even the year before that I had a Valentine. But this year, wouldn't you know I don't have one. Isn't that completely fucked up? Yeah I know. Well I do have plans. I'm going to a fashion show and going to dinner with my best girlfriend at school and her brother. So I guess it won't be too bad. With all this Papi Chulo revisiting, I'm wondering who he'll decide to spend it with. I'm sure he has plenty of choices, the little Punk! Kiss my Ass Papi! You've done it before!

More Papi Chulo Revisited...

PC Part IX
Monday, January 7, 2007
School is starting back up on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it because I am so bored. I have work I should get done soon, but I've been procrastinating. Not a good thing.

Papi Chulo and I have been painting the town red. He drove back from Miami early and got back yesterday. Some crazy stuff was going on down there shootings, stabings. He decided he didn't want to be involved with people like that and left. The promoter for a popular DJ down there wants him to perform at his party and help start a radio station here. I think it's so wonderful. If he stays focused he could have alot.

He called me this morning and asked if I wanted to get some studio equipment. He said he would buy it, but I told him he didn't have to. It's so weird. Sometimes I feel like he wants love so much that he has just fallen in love with me, but at the same time he's trying not to fall in love with me. He was crying on the phone to me after he got back from Miami, because his ex girlfriend called saying her mother kicked her out and she's going to have to go to a shelter. He was thinking of letting her come back and stay with him, but he doesn't want to deal with the same old girl. They had a bad argument and she told him that she wished he would die. I tried to talk to him about it I was afraid his mood was going to ruin our night. But ultimately a talk with his best friend/cousin did the trick. He told me he's always gonna love her and wishes she would get better. I know it's a possibility that he'll return to her. If she does wake up and do what she needs to do to get her life on track, he'll be with her. He's never been in a relationship that long. He says relationships before only lasted 1 month or so. This was 2 years. I tried to tell him I know how he feels but he doesn't believe it. I spent the night with him to keep him company. He didn't want to be alone.

Anyway, he was feeling better today and we road around town again, running his little errands. I got a weird feeling today. I felt for a second like he might be telling others that he's playing me. That he is pretending to love me just so he can have a pretty lady on his arm and in his bed, boost his ego a bit. He might even try to get me to buy him something. He did ask if I would buy him a laptop. I told him maybe. I just don't want to get played.

I wish we could have more time together though. He always says "I wish I could spend every night with you", but he doesn't do it, even when he can. Like tonight. He went out with his buddy and now he's going home. He told me to call him at 7am cause he has an appt at 8am. I suppose because he has to get up early he wants to get plenty of sleep, but still. This could be the last night, since I'll be starting school. He says he's going to be busy also. He senses I'm a little unhappy. I am just because I don't know if I have the ability to make him completely happy. And I'm scared. I'm scared to be in love again. I want to make sure this is really the person I want to be with before I just commit my whole heart and invest myself. I want to make sure he believes I am the person. I am not convinced of that.

PC Part X
Can't Take No More
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Last night papi chulo, his cousin, and I hung out. He paid for everything that night. I don't think that was the plan though. I was driving. His phone rang. He let it go to the voice mail. He checked his voice mail. He called the person back. He tried to talk quietly but I could easily hear him over the music. He was definitedly talking to a chick. I could tell by his tone. Then he started speaking in spanish. La manana, then something else that I didn't understand. That really pissed me off. Me and Chulo have an understanding. We aren't in a relationship and we can see other people, but who the hell wants to have that shit in their face. No one. He could of called her later or messaged her. But instead he puts that shit in my face, like look I'm talking to some other bitch. And had the nerve to talk to her in spanish like I wouldn't know what the hell he was saying, like I'm just a stupid bitch. I don't like that. It's straight disrespectful.

So I didn't say anything, but I started thinking about everything. How I was driving and he wanted me to buy drinks and how I bought sexy lingerie for him and how he told me early that night that he wasn't feeling really affectionate claiming it wasn't me just him and how when we had sex that Wednesday neither one of us was really feeling it, then I started thinking maybe he's jerking me around and he's definitely fucking some other bitch. I got mad and I started driving really fast. He started yelling at me to slow down, then he was like take me home I don't want to deal with this. He asked his cousin if he would drive, but his cousin had been smoking and drinking so that was a no go. Chulo said he couldn't wait to get his license back so he could have control. I asked him if that was the real reason he was mad, because he doesn't have any control over my driving. He kind of hesitated as if he was thinking to himself maybe that is why, but he was like no. Then he told me I could drive. I apologized for speeding and scaring everyone in the car. The rest of the night he was really nice to me and paid for everything. I was like ooo I should go off more often.

well he hasn't called me all day, so I'm just like over him now. He accidently left his miami show cd in my car. He can easily make another one though, so it's not that big of a deal. But I doubt he'll call me after last night and I don't plan on calling him anymore. He fucked up with that phone call. And now there are messages on his page from Tuesday that I don't recall seeing before Friday. The messages said "Can't wait to see you either. Ur so sweet." So he basically didn't want me to see the comments before, but now doesn't care. That's fine. He's fucked up. I'm over him now. Wait...

All this fucking talk about let's get a house, let's get married, i love you so much, let's get tatoos, i'm not fucking anybody else, I guess that changed this week. I washed his fucking dishes, slept next to his dogs (I hate dogs), helped him create his miami show, looked up shit on the internet for him, tried to be there for him in all ways, drove him and his friend around, let him borrow money, listen to him cry on the phone about his lonliness and his crazy girlfriend, HE's FUCKED UP! Now I'm over him.

I'm gonna rest on the men for a while.

Papi Chulo Revisited to be continued...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Papi Chulo Revisited

Well since my personal life is so boring right now, I'm going to repost entries on Papi Chulo, my first latin lover, until things get back to normal (normal, ha!). As you may or may not have noticed January is pretty bare. That's because I spent the end of December and into January with Papi Chulo.

I've already re-listed Papi Chulo on my labels and put him back in entries where I deleted him. Now I will begin posting the other deleted entries. Sure I have better things to do, but unfortunately my mind doesn't work that way.

Also check out Mariah's new single "Touch My Body". I love it.

PC Part IV
Sunday December 30, 2007
There's something about Papi Chulo. When he says he loves me I believe him. I feel it's real. But I'm still afraid. Maybe it's because of this recent thing with Flow. I'm afraid he'll wake up one day and say, "I don't really love her like that." I mean he did just get out of a relationship. I'm being mindful of that.

Last night we had a good time. I took him and his cousin out to a bar. On the way in the car, he was messaging back and forth with some girl from vegas that he called a groupie. He said she was a dumb blond. I told him to be easy on her, she just wanted to get to know him. He was like "I've known her for a while." Once we got to the bar, we were hugged up the whole night. It was great. He rained compliments down on me and kept telling me he loved me and wants to marry me. I was like "you are so high" He was like "Shut up no I'm not." I love him. I want to marry him. I want to have his kids. All in due time though. If we make it to September '08, then I know it will work.

I just got this crazy idea. What if Chulo has Schizophrenia? What if all this stuff is just apart of his delusions? What if he is bipolar and he's in his manic phase? He does get very little sleep. OMG I know nothing about him.

PC Part V
Monday, December 31, 2007
New News
Just found out that Papi Chulo has a son. He called this morning and asked me to come over, so we could make breakfast. On my way out the door he called and said there was an emergency with his "young boy". Now "young boy" could be his "boy" as in "homeboy" who is younger than him, but I doubt it. This is kinda dissapointing. I don't know why. Maybe because I was thinking of having his kid, but that's kinda out of the question now. We'll have to get married first, which I'm thinking ain't gonna happen. Oh well, I'm just gonna have fun and enjoy the attention. I been telling myself I want someone to take care of so...

Last night Sugar daddy called several times and left a message and text messaged me. I never answered but his messages said he was severely depressed and just wanted to talk to me. Yeah Right! I'm not falling for it. He just wants to convince me to sleep with him. We are not that close. He should talk to his wife or sisters or whoever, not me.

PC Part VI
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Papi Chulo doesn't have kids!!!. Young boy was young homeboy. Yeah!!!!!!! I'm so happy. We spent New Years Eve together. We went to lunch then I went to his house near midnight and we listened to music and made a beat together. We made love in his studio. It was the best. I felt very close and connected with him.

He might have an illegitamite kid out there though, that he doesn't know about. He is a little crazy. He showed me an email with a list of show dates. At the top of the list it said open slots. So I assumed that it was an email about possible show dates and not actual show dates. But he acted as if it was his show schedule.

He's going to Miami this weekend for Hoodstock and a couple of other events. In a way I would like to go with him just to see what it's like for him. He told me that he might "need" me to go. I guess to assist him in any way. But I think one of his friends/A&R person didn't like the idea of a girl going with them. Chulo is having trouble getting his artists to go to this thing. They have to work or they're scared to perform out there. I don't know what's going on. He's angry with alot of the people he works with right now. One guy who's going with them doesn't have the money to go and is expecting Chulo to take care of it. Chulo says he's paying for everything and some of his boys in Miami are making sure other things are taken care of, like food, hotel, etc. I hope everything works out for him. I'm pryaing that they do. I love him but he may be a tad delusional, seriously.

I was trying not to talk to my sister about Papi Chulo. But my mom did it for me. Today she called and asked if I was going to Miami. I told her no. She asked if Chulo invited me. I said "He said he might need me to go. But no guarantees. But yesterday he told me he didn't need me to go." She said "Oh I guess he got one of his other groupies to go." I was so insulted. She doesn't what to say out of her mouth. I really can not talk to her anymore. She pisses me of with shit like that. She tried to explain she just meant female fan. I told her either way she got across the point she wanted to get across. She claimed that wasn't her point. I told her if she was trying to make a different point she would use a word like "friend" or "person", but she used "groupie"!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Aye Papi
Spent more time with Papi Chulo today. He bought me lunch and then he road me around town. He showed me his old hood and we went to a couple of other places. A girl kept calling him. Apparently she wanted to see him last night and he told her to catch a cab and come over. She told him she wasn't gonna do that just to see some dude. I guess they had a blow up and she was calling him today to try to resolve things. He told her he felt disrespected when she said he wouldn't pay to come see him and called her ignorant and then said he didn't want to talk to her. They hung up and she called again. She apologized to him and he said he would talk to her when he gets back from Miami.

Thursday, January 3, 2008
I'd give my all
I put in some serious quality time with Papi Chulo last night. I stayed up with him until 4am helping him put together tracks for his show in Miami, which is going to be hot by the way. He let me control the record and playback and all. I put his clothes in the dryer for him and helped him pick out jeans to wear. We went to sleep and when we woke I continued to help him. He got mad at me a couple of times, like when I told him I didn't like one of the songs. Also when he was sleeping he would wake up everytime I moved and be like "Where you going? Okay hurry back."

I wanted to let one of the dogs out to pee cause he kept wimpering and moving all around, but Chulo was like "just let him in the hall" So when we woke up we discovered he had pooped in the kitchen. And I was thinking "You should have just let me let him out, but you wanted to be all cranky." Then he let the other dogs out while he finished fixing up his show and packing up his toiletries. He left the bathroom door open. He let the dogs back in and continued working on his music. He finished the chopping up the tracks and then allowed them to play. He opened the door to the studio and behold in the bathroom were the dogs making a muddy mess in the tub and floor. Papi Chulo went off. He was firing mad. Dogs were running and flying everywhere. He was so angry. He was almost ready to go and they had ruined the bathroom. I just stood there and tried to stay out of the way. He started mopping and I was like "You want me to clean that up while you work on your music. Chulo didn't say anything. He just walked back into the studio. So I cleaned the floor and tub. He later cleaned the poop in the kitchen.

We were a team. It felt good. He thanked me for helping him and apologized for being cranky. He said he'd buy me something nice from Miami. I'll believe it when I see it. He also asked me if I scared when he blew up at the dogs. I said yeah. He said "it's okay if you don't want to be with me because of that. Some people can't handle that about me. I don't do that to people but I do get angry sometimes."

That girl from yesterday called him again. He didn't say it was her but when he answered he was like "I'm on the road, can I please call you back. Please. In 2 minutes. Please. Thank you." 5 minutes later it rang again and he was like "Why does this MF keep calling me?" I had asked him yesterday why he even wasted time talking to her. He said just to keep the peace and keep her from blowing up his phone. Chulo said she's a bartender at a strip club and he doesn't trust her and wouldn't fuck with her. I hope he gets rid of her.

Yesterday while we were driving around town, he said he doesn't know if he can fall in love again, because of his ex. I've felt the same. I mean I was with my ex for 4 years and everytime I think about meeting someone knew, I wonder if I can really be in love like that again. I was really in love with him. I told myself after we broke up I had pretty much met all the men I could possibly marry. I don't know if I can feel that way again.

Papi Chulo Revisited to be continued...

Monday, February 11, 2008

I guess that's a no

Well Burbs has been MIA. He hasn't answered my last email since Friday. Strange since he'd been acting as if he looked forward to my emails each day. Now he could just be really busy, which is fine. So I'll give him a couple of more days until I completely write him off.

Well it figures. This is the story of my life. Always just short of what I hope it will be.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Earth Signs

Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

I am an earth sign and since high school I've known that my best signs were my earth mates, Taurus and Capricorn. My first love was a Taurus. I'll call him Tracks, cause he wore braces. He and his little brother moved in one street away from my family when I was in about 4th grade. He was a grade above and his brother a grade or two below me. We rode the same bus and went to the same elementary school, but I never said anything to him. Being a shy girl I just admired him from afar. Then one morning while waiting for the school bus with my grandma, she decided to invite them to my stop. I was so embarassed, I hid behind my grandma the whole time. That was the closest I'd gotten to Tracks up until then. He was so cute. Light-skinned, epicanthal folds in his eyelids so he looked part asian, and freckles. I had such a crush. We got on the bus and that's when the jokes started. Tracks was quite the comedian and from that day on I was the butt of most of his jokes.

One day I had on a cute new outfit. It was a two piece pants set with black and white stripes and a picutre of Minnie Mouse on the front. That day on the way home, Tracks decided to sit right next to me. He started calling me Beetlejuice, because of my stripy outfit. He wouldn't stop. Finally I lost it and smacked him across the face. Then I burst out into tears. When I got off the bus, my brother was at the front door to greet me. I told him that the boy down the street made me cry. My brother took off running to the next street while the bus was dropping Tracks and his brother off. Tracks saw my brother and started running home. My brother stopped the bus driver and let him know what had happened and told him to keep an eye out. That night my brother, a jokster himself, gave me some jokes to try out on Tracks the next day. I did and they were a hit. That shut him up for a good while.

After Tracks graduated from elementary school, I hardly ever saw him. Over the summer I would ride up and down my street (I wasn't allowed to go any further) on my bike hoping he'd ride by. I think I did see him a couple of times that summer. Then the summer was over and I started 5th grade, Tracks started 6th. One afternoon we had a spaghetti dinner at my school. Not many people came, but Tracks showed up with his brother and uncle. After we ate, we went outside to the playground. I mostly stayed away from Tracks, still shy. But his brother came over and asked me if I wasnted to be Tracks girlfriends. I said yes, but I still never talked directly to him except to say bye when I left with my mom.

The relationship didn't last very long. I got off the bus the next day, and Tracks was down the street waiting for his brother. He called out my name and I just ran away. Why? I was too scared to talk to him. My own boyfriend that I'd had a crush on since 4th grade. I just ignored him. On the bus, the next morning Tracks's brother informed me that he'd broken up with me. I was sad. But I got over it. We moved from the neighborhood before I finished 5th grade.

Tracks and I kept in touch over the years with letters, cards, and phone calls. Occasionaly, we'd go visit my grandma and I'd see him riding his bike. In high school, we talked on the phone at least once a week. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend when I was in 16. At the time I was dating this Filipino kid at school. We'd only been together for 2 days, but I dumped him for Tracks. I know it was mean, but I'd been wanting to be with Tracks since elementary school, so how could I pass it up. I thought it was fate. I went to one of his football games. After the game I surprised him. He didn't even know I was going to be there. He was happy to see me though and he asked me out on a date. The following week I convinced my parents with the help of my sister to let, Tracks and I go out on what would be my first date. We went to see Romeo and Juliet. We didn't talk much. It was quite awkward. At the end of the date we didn't hug or kiss or nothing. My sister picked me up and asked, "So did you kiss him?" I told her we did nothing. She was like "What?" Go ask him if he needs a ride home and then give him a hug. So I did. That was awkward as well. About a week or so later, he broke up with me. He said he only saw me as a friend. I suppose he dumped me to be with another girl. Karma's know. I got back with my Filipino ex, but it only lasted a month.

Tracks and I continued to keep in touch after that. More Letters and cards and phone calls. He was graduating that year and I was going into the 12 grade. His plans were to play college ball or go into the military. Over the summer we lost contact. I started seeing a guy I'd met through family. He was my first serious boyfriend. We were in love and nothing could tear us apart.

I was surprised one day to get a letter from Tracks. It was a short note written on stationary and in a small envelope. It basically said the he was in training for the navy and that he still thought about me and thought it was fate for us to be together. I, against the advice of my mother, wrote back letting him know I had a man and we couldn't be together. How stupid of me, but c'est la vie. I was being honest. Well needless to say he never wrote me back.

My boyfriend and I lasted a good while, 10 months. We broke up after I started pre-college. By then I realized there were lots more cute guys and that they weren't all light-skinned. College was lots of fun for me. I got to go to the parties I wasn't allowed to go to in high school and hung out late at night. It was great!!

My freshman year, one of my friends and I caught a party bus to a Que party. It was so much fun. I danced until my hair was wet with sweat. At the end of the night everyone was rushing to get out of the door. Suddenly, I recognized a light-skinned guy with epicanthal folds and freckles. "Tracks! Tracks!", I yelled his name, until he turned around. He was as excited to see me as I was to see him. We hugged. "You're sweaty!" he said. "I know!." "What are you doing here?" I told him I went to school down the street. I asked what he was doing there. He said he came with some friends. I had to stop and get my coat, he had to go, and that was the last time I saw Tracks in person.

My senior year in college, I tried to get in contact with Tracks. I wanted to see if we could make it work one last time. I looked his name up in the phone book and got his number. I called and a woman answered. I figured it was a girlfriend or wife. I told her I was a friend from elementary school and I just wanted to catch up with him and see how he was doing. She took the message and Tracks called me that night. He told me he had a daughter from a previous relationship and that his new wife was Korean-American and also in the navy. He let me know they were going to be stationed in Italy soon. I congratulated him on his marriage. I didn't have much good news to share as far as a personal life. I just told him that I was still planning to go to med school. He was proud of me. We said good night. The conversation lasted about 10 minutes and that was the last time I talked to Tracks.

It took me a minute to get over that. I often regretted writing that letter the summer of my senior year in high school. I wondered how different my life would be if I'd been with my elementary school sweetheart. But I met my last boyfriend, and I soon got over him.

Anyway, Tracks was the only Taurus I was involved with. None even entered my life after that. My only other hope was to meet a Capricorn, but no luck there until now. Burbs is a Capricorn, and we've hit it off really well over the internet. So I wonder to myself, without getting too anxious since we haven't even met yet, "could he be the one?"

I was reading about the earth signs. Taurus represents the Raw material, Virgo represents the Garden, and Capricorn is the Harvest. Could Burbs be my Harvest? Wouldn't that be nice? Do I deserve it? Have I earned it? Has my Garden grown enough? Is it time to Harvest? Will fate be good to me this time around?

Friday, February 8, 2008


I re-activated my profile on the site where I met Sugar Daddy. Guess what? He's back up there too. LOL! He hasn't been on in a few weeks though. He went to France a few weeks ago for a case, supposedly. He should be back by now, but notice he hasn't called. Well good. I've decided this time around I'm going to take my time and really get to know a guy, before I go into this type of relationship. I'm gonna look for someone I could have a real relationship with. Someone trully interested in me as I am.

The first guy that sent me a "kiss" was a 40 something i don't even know what he does. I emailed him back and asked him about his interests and he answered, "I'm pretty spontaneous." That means nothing to me. That doesn't even answer my question. He asked "what about you?" I decided to give him a similarly ambiguous answer. "I like trying new things." He hasn't answered yet.

The second guy was an ex-military, 44 year old. I really was trying to stay away from him, because I have two cousins who are in the military and have lived and worked in the same town he was from. But he emailed me. Immediately he was like "why don't you give me your email or number so we can chat?????????" I didn't answer because with all those damn ???????????, I could already see that he was gonna be exactly like old Sugar Daddy, all anxious and sexed up. Then I got another email from him: "Did you read my other email??????? Why don't you give me your number so we can talk????????" I thought, let me get this over with, so I gave him my email address. Later on he added me to his YIM buddy list. I accepted and then he sent a message in big bold black letters: "Let me give you my number so we can talk." I wrote back, "I wouldn't call you right away". He messaged, "Well you don't have to call. I can wait until you are comfortable." Obviously not. Then he asked what I wanted in an SD with lots of question marks afterwards. I said "Pay my bills." He said, "What bills???? You know you can't get anything without giving something in return." So I said, "All of them, like $1500/month." He said "Why don't you answer my question?????" I said, "I am answering your question. Is that a problem for you?" "Do you really think someone is going to just give you $1500 a month????? And that's not what I asked you, dumbass!!!! If you read, you'll see what I asked!!!! I am deleting your name right now!!!!!" I LOL'd him and told him to calm down with all his big bold letters and punctuations. That was the end of that.

I have met one nice guy though. He's a 39 yo with two advanced degrees who owns his own business. He's from back home. We've been emailing back and forth for a couple of days and it's been great. I have to think of a nickname for him. Let's see...I'll call him Burbs, cause he grew up in the suburbs.

I saw Burbs profile before he even attempted to contact me. He's really really cute. Exactly what I like. Pretty boy, light complexion, light brown eyes, curly hair. I was about to send him a "kiss" and favorite him, but when I read what he was looking for, I realized it was not me. He wanted 5'5", 120 lbs, with long hair. Try 5'5", more than 120 lbs (which is only 9 lbs from being underweight by the way), shoulder length hair when I wear it straight. He did acknowledge that beauty comes in different shapes and sizes and he appreciated an intelligent woman just as much. But I kept it moving anyway. I was surprised when I checked my mail a few days later, and his picture was staring back at me with a "kiss" that said "You're beautiful!" So I immediately emailed him and thanked him for the "kiss" and told him he was really cute. And we've been emailing ever since.

He reminds me of my most recent ex. A genuine good guy, fun to talk to, lots of interesting things to say, intelligent. Burbs!!!!!!!!! I like him!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Catching up on my blogging

I was watching making the band 4 the other night. The girls of Danity Kane were checking out the myspace page of one of the members of the boy band, i forget their name. It happen to be one that I like and saw at the airport in Pittsburgh when I hooked up with Radio back in September. I didn't say anything to him. He was on the phone the whole time. His friend and I think band mate smiled at me and said Hi. I said "Hey!". Then he started singing quietly. I was like okay I didn't ask you to sing. He obviously wanted me to come over and freak out like Oh my God! But I'm not the groupie type. I mean I might freak out from a far like when I saw Pharrell at a mall back home. But I would never go up like "Can I have your autograph? I love you!!!" I've only asked for an autograph from one celebrity and that's my cousin who's a famous female rapper. I felt real stupid cause my dad was like "We're so proud of you. Keep up the good work." And I came in like "Hey cuz can I get your autograph." Real corny. I know. I still have it somewhere.

Anyway, I'm mentioning the Danity Kane myspace search because it made me feel a little justified. I already know that we females will look up things about men before we get too involved with them. Having it on television just made me feel like alright, this is not out of the ordinary. It's being smart and ignoring any bad signs would be stupid.

I was talking to Curve yesterday. I told him about the situation with dude. He told me I needed to get him outta my system. He said I was stalking a bit by monitoring the myspace comments, but he said it's normal for the female sex to act that way. So I'm trying to get him outta my system and continuing to blog is my way of doing that. He told me that I need to start dating on my level. He's right, but unfortunately there aren't that many available men of color on my level. That's the plight of the highly educated black woman. A professor at my alma mater told us black women that most of us would end up marrying "below ourselves" cause there aren't enough black men getting degrees, let alone advanced degrees. Of course there are plenty of intelligent black men with plenty of integrity who don't have degrees. But most aren't even available. There are a few available blachelors in my program but most are gay or unattractive and the one fine one is currently living in another dimension from the rest of the human race, a place to which i do not want to venture. So yeah, I'm kinda left looking elsewhere. Too bad Curve is taken. He would be perfect for me. Super smart, got bank, insightful, honest, and he always has my back when I need him. He knows me better than any man on this earth. We're soulmates, but not life mates. We'll always love each other, though, regardless.

I finished the introduction to my master's paper. It's dificult transitioning from academic writing to blogging and then back. I forget how to spell words and avoid run on sentences. But blogging helps me to reflect and dump my thoughts, so I can concentrate on school. I probably won't have time for blogging when I have to go back into 4th year and start rotations again (most of which will be OB/GYN ie; 6 am rounding and no sleep). But at least I won't have to write anymore papers. I'm going to try to throw some Path electives in, cause I'm still considering being a forensic pathologist. I love anatomy and microscopy, teaching, and being a know it all and solving mysteries, and that's what pathologists do. I could be a gynocological oncologist, that's kinda mixing the two a bit. I don't know I have a few more months to decide. Daunting! I know!

Flow called me this morning. It was a pleasant surprise. I miss him. I wish he was closer. He still wants to go to Vegas. He said he applied for a new job to get him over a hump in his business. He had a few clients cancel on him. I hope he gets the job. I don't know why, but Flow decided to tell me a story about how he almost shot his wife about a month ago. Strange I know. He said she was yelling and going off at the mouth about me. So he pulled out his gun and was gonna shoot her but stopped himself. Maybe that's what she was calling me about at the end of December. Scary stuff. He told me that she was cheating on him about 5 years ago with her best friends brother. After that he decided he wouldn't be faithful to her anymore. I'm glad Flow shared these things with me. I hope he and I can get closer. I also hope he doesn't shoot me! LOL! I know he's not good for me, but I really do like him. My body loves him. I told him about what I did, even after the gun story. But Flow is used to me doing impulsive stuff. He's gotten bitten twice by me, but he knows why I did it and he's forgiven me as far as i can tell. He's sticking around, so I didn't hurt him that bad.

Woo. Blogging is my therapy and I'm sorry I compromised it. I needed to get all these thoughts out on canvas. I feel better now... Going baack to the world of Academia until next time...I bid you Adieu

Reflecting: Snitches, Double Entendres, and Labels (PC the Finale)

To my loyal readers: I am back up and running. Had a little set back there. Lots to update on. I had to get rid of over 16 entries about a particular person I was involved with. He found out about it and didn't appreciate me telling his business. It's my fault though. I got mad at him and sent the blog to a couple of his female friends on myspace. That was mean of me. But at the time, I really felt he deserved it after he dogged me like he did. But his name nor picture is associated with my blog anymore. I apologized and promised to leave him alone, so he should be cool now. I can continue blogging and he can go on doing whatever he does.

Double Entendre
I wanted one girl in particular to join my myspace, the one I believed he was fucking. She'd been leaving comments on his page, trying hard to get his attention while we were heavy in our thing. When I started back school, he took that time to get at her. At the time, I was only assuming (as he would call it) all of this. He kept deleting her comments, so I couldn't bring it up. He would just be like "What comments? There's nothing there. Why are you looking at my page anyway?" But after I got her to join my myspace, I got my answer from his comments on her page. He definitely was doing more than talking. I also confirmed that she was a fugly ass ho like I thought. 50% (rough estimate) of the girls that put their breasts or their asses or their bodies as their main pic, are ugly ass hoes. And she's one of them. I can't believe he stopped fucking me to fuck such an ugly dirty ass bitch. I could understand the other female I tried to get to join, who was gonna "stop thru" his crib "after she caught up on things". She shows her face in her pick and she's very pretty and a much classier broad than old fug face. I can't believe he even fucked her in close proximity to fucking me. God, I just threw up a little. She's a blatant freak, anyone can tell by her page. Some girls want the world to know. I thought he had more discretion than that. I definitely should have. If I'd know he was the way he is, I would've just stuck to my initial response to him, which was "No thanks". But no, I had to give in to his pleas. Shoulda known.
I'm gonna get an HIV test in 2 months after my potential antibodies are detectable. I'll be mad if I got some nasty STD because he wanted to mix me up with that nasty ho. I have to be more choosy in the future. I bet his nasty cold was a throat infection from eating her pussy. Oh God! I'm glad we stopped fucking. I don't want to contract nasty ho throat disease from kissing some dude that was eating a dirty ass broad. It's so clear now. God works in mysterious ways.
I still don't get why he erased her messages though. I suppose to hide them from me, but why do that. Just tell me don't keep me hanging on. That's what pissed me off. Of course he continued to claim, even after all this, that she is just a friend (yeah right) and he never fucked her. Finger to the cheek, pointing to the eye, and giving him a side eye right A little french gesture I learned in middle school. Basically means I'm not believing you. What's the point of continuing to lie? Actually, I would have done the same. I've done the same. It's important to maintain your innocence, that way you always look like an angel and your ex can look back and say well she never cheated, she was good to me.
Double Entendre

He probably told her that everything I wrote was a lie and that I'm a stalker. And she probably believed him, dumb bitch. But if he called me a stalker, I could call him a predator. The predator that sought me out on the internet, checked out all my pictures, fantasized about being with me, convinced me to meet him in the middle of the night to have sex, told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, wanted to have kids with me, wanted to live with me, wanted me around, used me to drive around, get quick cash loans, and then left me high and dry for the next flavor of the month. I mean that is what predators do, right. But if I want to be REAL, we are neither of those things. We are just two people who want so badly to feel loved that we'll do anything for it. Even so called "stalk" or "prey".
And maybe I shouldn't label that snitch a dumb bitch or dirty ho. I mean she just wants to be appreciated and she uses her body to get that appreciation. I've done the same in my lifetime. And of course she's gonna snitch and believe him because that's how you get trust, respect, and appreciation. Even if it is fleeting and superficial. It's enough to make you happy for the time being. Sometimes it's okay to live in the moment. Many times it's not.
He left me with a nice souvenier/parting gift. Not much of a gift since I stayed up until 4 am helping him make it. I should have charged him for my time, but i exchanged my time for what I perceived as unyielding trust, respect, and appreciation. And I earned it. After that long night, he let me fill out some forms with his personal business information like I was his personal assistant. But alas, the trust was fleeting and superficial. Maybe I'll label the souvenier and pass it to my cousin...Naaaa. I'll leave it alone and move on.