Sunday, March 23, 2008

No Air

Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown - No Air [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO]


Why do people want to suffocate me this week? Physically and emotionally, they seem to want to end my life by leaving me with no air to breath. The following is a list of ways people have tried to kill me softly.

1. Suffocating me with luv
Flip came back in town Thursday night and the first thing he wanted to do was see me. He called and said, "I'll pay for your gas if you come see me." Way to devalue yourself. I was more than happy to go out. I was feeling down and needed some TLC. So I asked for direction and he told me to get on this particular highway, until I reached a certain exit and said to call him when I get there. So I called him to let him know I was on my way, but he wouldn't get off the phone with me. I don't really like to talk while I drive, but I stayed on. I drove out about 20 minutes and I didn't reach the exit. So I asked him if I was still going the right way. He said "Wait let me get a map?" What the crap? What do you need a map for? This is your freaking house and your freaking side of town. How do you not know how to get to your own house? I started calling out exits. "You went to far turn around and get on this other highway.", he corrected his previous directions. I was about to go off, "Wait a minute? You didn't mention that route before. You said get on this highway and that would lead me straight there." "Oh aren't those two highways the same?", he asked. "No, if they were, I would be at your house right now. Wouldn't I?", I tried not to sound like a parent reprimanding her child. "I need to go. I'll call you back when I get on the other route okay?" He let me go finally, but called me back 2 minutes later, "Hey get on this other highway and I'm exit 18. It's only 20 exits." "I passed that highway way back! Let me call you back okay?", I hung up and cursed him out via my windshield. He'd given me 3 different ways to his house. And the last and supposedly correct way was closer to my home than the others. I'd driven out about 15 miles farther than I needed to, because this fool doesn't know how to give directions. I finally arrived at his home, a cute little ranch on a corner in a nice suburban neighborhood. He came outside and got in my truck.

Flip looked even cuter than before, and he has actually surpassed Jay-Z a bit in the looks department. It think it was because his stache was recently lined up. I don't know. We went to Applebee's. It's been my favorite restaurant since I was 14. Actually, I don't like it that much, but on my 14th birthday, the waiter made a rose out of a napkin. From then on, I went there on my B-day every year. Flip made me order steak. I'm not a big steak person, but I obliged him. He let me order him an alcoholic drink even though he doesn't drink often. It hit him after like 3 sips. What a novice! He was like, "It's better drinking with a female." Apparently his guy friends get touchy feelly when they drink. Hmmm? Suspect. Anyway, we had a nice time together, laughing and joking around.

Afterward, we went back to his house and sat in the driveway. He grabbed my hand and started rubbing it. I felt awkward. His hands are rough, but he has a gentle touch. "Your hands are so soft. It's like you never did a days hard work in your life." Well, I didn't grow up with farm animals and I've never done manual labor, so yeah. I gave him a quick hand massage. "Do you think my hands would feel rough on your body?", he asked. Awkward again. Then he started falling asleep. I was also very tired. He didn't want to leave though. I just kept reminding him he was tired and that he needed to get up early. Finally he got out of my car and I gave him a hug. It was such a nice hug. He wasn't trying to love my body down or anything like Hugz. He just held me softly in his arms a little longer than I wanted him to, but it was nice.

2. Blocking off my airway.
Whenever Purtty Boi and I had sex, he would place is upper lip over my nostrils and press his face into mine. I never understood this. I couldn't breath. It's a move wrestlers do with their hands to try to cause their components to get winded quicker and lose energy. I suppose Purtty Boi could benefit in some way from me being winded. I mean, I could pass out and sleep through the rest of the horrible sex we were having. I don't know. Anyway, the last time we had sex, he stopped and said "You don't seem to be enjoying this." What do you say to that? Why even make a comment like that? If you know the other person isn't having fun, then try something different or just stop. I just said, "Really?" I couldn't help but think that maybe if he wasn't such a pretentious little prick I would be enjoying myself more. Then he yelled at me for putting my legs down. Now see that's a definite sign that you should just stop and make way to the nearest exist. But we just kept going. I laid there like a turtle flipped on it's back, legs held in the air, hoping someone will have mercy on me and end my struggle. He covered my nose with his lip and pressed hard. I prayed to pass out.

Well I don't have to worry about him anymore. Purtty Boi is gone. I knew it was coming. He came by yesterday without calling. I was home alone, but I was in the bathroom and practically naked. So I didn't answer. I didn't know who it was. I looked out the window as he was getting into his aunt's car. I threw on a t-shirt and some workout pants and thought about running out to call him back, but I changed my mind and just watched him drive away. You can't just stop by unexpected. I never answer my door when I don't know who's out there. I don't even look out the peep hole because people can always see when you look out the peephole. I tried it once in middle school. It was late in the evening, dark outside and the doorbell of my parents townhome rang. I was the only one downstairs to answer it, but I didn't plan on opening the door. The doorbell rang again and then a knock and then, "Hello!". I tip-toed over to the door and looked out the peephole. "I know someone's in there!" I ran away. That was the last time I looked through a peephole when I wasn't expecting a guest.


3. Drowning me in alcoholAnway, I sent Purtty Boi a message asking him to come back and to call me. While waiting for him to get a clue, I called a guy that I went out with last weekend. His name will be Undercover Brother. I met Undercover Brother on myspace. This is number 4 right? Undercover is a 36 year old medical equipment inspector. He has an engineering degree. He looks like Dave Chapelle except lighter and shorter, but after a few drinks more like Kenny Lattimore. Last weekend I called him for the first time on that Friday night. He asked me what I was doing. I said nothing. He asked why. I said no money. He offered to take me out clubbing and pay for my drinks. So of course, I went with him. I drove to his apartment, we watched a little bit of a movie and then went out. We had the best time. But he's a horn dog though, real talk.

The first club we went to he bought me two shots and a drink of Royal flush. We started dancing. I hadn't even gotten close to him, but when I did he already had a boner. I was like, come on dude, we just got started. We left that club, because there were about 20 people there. The next venue was packed. At this place he bought me a Blue Motorcycle and proclaimed "I don't like to drink alone" as he started his second beer of the night. His two beers to my now 4 drinks? I think I was a head of him a bit. We danced the night away. I was drunk, but he insisted once again that he couldn't drink alone and bought me another Blue Motorcycle. So by the time we left the club, I was hammered. The last time I was that drunk was last summer, when I went to the club for the first time in like 4-5 years. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again. But here I was once again. I was so out of it, I walked barefoot to the parking garage, while Undercover carried my shoes.

On the way to his apartment I was naming all the buildings on the street although I couldn't focus enough to actually see what the establishments really were. I just guessed. Undercover just laughed at me. LOL! I don't know how I got back up to his apartment. But I do remember sitting on his couch and him massaging my feet. Then I started getting the aura I get before a migraine. So I asked for something for a headache and he gave me some Advil. I took that then somehow I ended up on the floor. He picked me up. Then I started naming everything in his house. The vacuum cleaner, the fan, his briefcase. Then I took off my clothes and got in the bed, I think. I honestly don't remember taking them off. Anyway, he kissed me, but then I felt nauseous so he got the trash can to put next to the bed. But there was still trash in it. I was like well if I'm have trouble throwing up, I'm sure the smell of old trash will help relieve me. So he put in a fresh trash bag. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I threw up. Then I read some of a coffee table book about the history of Hip-Hop. Then he took me to breakfast. Then we watched some DVD's and an ACC game and then I went home. He wanted me to come back over that night, but I was like whatev! I was still hungover and the migraine that wanted to develop the night before, finally came. So I talked to him on that Sunday and we made plans to get together this weekend.


4. Suffocating me with insults and lies
Last night I called Undercover while waiting for Purtty Boi to get back to me. He was about to eat dinner and he invited me to eat with him. I packed an overnight bag. I decided at that point that I would spend the night and I might even fuck him. I packed some condoms in my bag just in case. I arrived at Undercover's house and as he was preparing my plate, my phone rang. I wasn't gonna answer at first and I shouldn't have because I knew it was Purtty Boi. But I answered anyway. He was angry with me. "Why didn't you answer your door? I saw you looking out the window when I left." I explained and apologized. "I don't believe you. You had a dude in there with you." Then he hung up. Okay?! I excused myself outside and called Purtty Boi back. I explained again to him what happened. I let him know I had no reason to lie, cause he's not my man. I asked him, "Don't I tell you everything?" "I don't believe anything you say. It goes in one ear and out the other.", he argued. I was so confused.

Then he planted the bomb. "Oh yeah, my ex girlfriend. The one that was down here with me. She is pregnant. I'm gonna be a father." I wanted to say, "Now I don't believe you.", but I just said "Well congratualtions. Is she coming down here or are you moving back there?" "She's coming back with me after I go up there." Every sentence after that began with "Oh Yeah,..." as he went on to reveal all of my personality flaws and explain how, even though he thinks I'm sexy, I have a horrible personality. He gave me advice on life and love claiming, "I'm just trying to help you." I wanted out of this conversation so I started trying to get off the phone. He said, "What's wrong? You sound like you are going to cry." I let him know that I definitely wasn't about to cry and I was dissapointed that he felt this way about me. He proclaimed, "I'm a cold person. I have no feelings." Then he said, "well my girlfriend doesn't like me to talk to other girls, so I guess this is the last time we'll talk." No kidding! He went on, "But I'm not gonna erase you from my friends. You can email me. Just don't leave any comments or I'll have to erase them." Goody Gum Drops! We're still best buds. I said, "Yeah okay."

Then (here comes the crazy part) he says, "I bought some new Dolce & Gabana reading glasses today." WTF?! As if I care!. Then he started talking about this girl he met at GED school. Some little 18 year old. "She's hot. If you saw me with her, you'd be like 'why's he talking to me?' I wondered that myself. These guys came up and asked if that was my girl. I was like no and then she tried to sit in my lap and kiss me." What the hell?! I looked at her myspace. She's cute, as in little girl cute. But that's how he likes 'em. And all she does is show off her array of false eyelashes and nails. Those flunkies can have each other! I interrupted his boastful soliloquoy, "I have to go." He said, "Yeah okay." and hung up. I just wanted to laugh at him. He sounded like Papi. Here was Papi again to haunt me. Different face, different name, same person. But this time I was prepared. I knew this would happen and that's why I never bothered to get attached to Purtty Boi.

I don't believe him. His ex is either not pregnant at all or he's known for a while that she's pregnant. I asked him how far along she was and he was like 2 months! 2 months? That sounds pretty sketchy and arbitrary. I feel like if he really knew, it would be stated more like 8 weeks or 9 weeks or womething more exact. I wished I'd asked the due date. Because if this was real and she'd already been to the doctor, he'd have that info. But whatever, either way he doesn't want me around anymore. Even though he tried to be friendly at the end there, I really am not interested in talking to him anymore.

5. Strangulation
So back to Undercover. I apologized for being rude (one of my personality flaws), like Purtty Boi instructed me to do, crooked toothed imbecile. I ate and then we watched Smoking Aces. After that we went bowling. We played two games and he beat me twice. I'm a horrible bowler, but I did get one strike. So after bowling we made our way back to his apartment. I asked him if he wanted me to stay. Of course he did, so I retrieved my overnight bag from my car. Once inside I got ready for bed. I laid next to Undercover and he spooned me. Then he started kissing my neck alot and he worked his way down and found his pearl and I rejoiced at his discovery. It was great. How long has it been? Several months. It sounds stupid, but I actually thanked God for it. Now God maybe had nothing to do with it, but I still thanked him. We should thank him for all our blessing and Undercover certainly blessed me.

We continued to have sex. While I was riding him, Undercover stuck his thumb in my mouth. Honestly, I didn't really know why he did it. I can only assume now that this was his first attempt to block off my airway. It was kinda weird. So after I came again he flipped me on my back and pushed me to the edge of the bed so that my head was hanging over. This I assume was an attempt once again at somehow making me lose consciousness, since blood was rushing rapidly to my head. After a few minutes in this position he pulled me back, so that my entire skull was on the bed and started pounding away. And when he was climaxing, he wrapped his hand around my neck and started squeezing it. I could feel my eyes starting to bulge. Then I started to feel myself coming again. He squeezed my neck harder. I grabbed his wrist to try to pull his hand away. He didn't let go. Finally when he reached his peak, he let go and collapsed on top of me. How strange? I've heard of erotic asphyxiation, but how dare he assume that I would be into that. mmmm? I'm still absolutely blown away. It was mind boggling and mind blowing sex. Purtty Boi must be into the same thing. I don't know if I'm a fan yet. Undercover Brother is an Undercover Freak.

Now they say when you are about to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. After my near death experience with Undercover, the last year of my life kept me awake another hour. As I laid there in the dark, trying to make out the outlines of the trees through the cracks in the miniblinds, I wondered to my self if I really made the right decision leaving my boyfriend of 4 years. True love is hard to come by. I had someone who loved me despite all my flaws. I grew with him in those 4 years and now it was over. I threw it all away. Why? Up until last night I thought I'd understood the answer to that question. I'd done a pretty good job of explaining to everyone that we grew apart, our lives were leading in different directions, I felt he was too judgmental towards me, and I got tired of waiting for him to decide he wanted to marry me. Yes those reasons were apart of it. But ultimately I let him go because I thought there was something better out there, because I wanted someone different, because I thought that if I wasn't successful on my quest he would take me back easily. I wanted to have sex with Curve and try again with Jokes (ex and high school friend), but I messed up. I fucked up. I have found that there is nothing better than unconditional love and having someone who has your back all the way. There is nothing better than knowing that when you are down, your joy is just a phone call away. There is nothing like having someone think you are beautiful, even when you feel ugly. There is nothing like having someone who knows you better than you know yourself, to get you back on track. Someone who is always there. He was a constant for me. That constant is gone and it's been difficult navigating without him, without what he was to me. I wonder if I was any of those things for him.

Well one day I'll get that back. Not my ex, but everything he was. I just have to believe it. And I'll love him and only him and I'll never let him go.

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