Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Skittles in ATL!

I had a fun weekend! Thursday I talked to Skittles on the IM to see if he was still coming up to see me. He was hesitant because he wasn't sure if he'd have enough money. We went back and forth about it, trying to decide if we could meet in a city between us or reschedule for the future. We couldn't agree on a plan. Then he was like "Do you think we should just be friends? I don't think I can do the long distance thing." This really pissed me off, so I told him to do what he wanted and signed off of the IM. I turned off my phone and avoided contact from everyone until 5:30pm the next day. Skittles had sent a text message, "I'm sorry" and a voice message saying he was just frustrated and missed me. He called me a few minutes later. I answered and we talked it over. He explained he wasn't breaking things off with me he was just asking how I felt. I feel if he was thinking about breaking up, he wanted to do it. But he insisted that's not what he wanted. So I guess to make up for it all, he decided he wanted to meet in Atlanta Saturday. I was excited. I started packing immediately. The next day, Skittles put money in my bank account for gas and I hit the road. I wore a brown striped cream colored strapless dress, something I don't do often, and white flip flops.

Skittles arrived in Atlanta about 30 minutes ahead of me and booked our hotel. I pulled into the parking lot and he was standing outside waiting for me. He was so cute in his black thick rimmed glasses. We exchanged hello's. I was really nervous to see him and didn't know what else to say. I think he felt the same way, because he just grabbed my luggage out of my car and avoided eye contact. We stayed in a cheap motel, but it was clean and had a fridge so I wasn't complaining. He did assure me that we would stay in a better one next time. In the room he tried to figure out how to work the remote controlled air conditioner and I sat in the corner near the window. He couldn't get it working so I told him I was usually good at figuring that kind of stuff out, but I was also unsuccessful. He called the front desk to have someone come up and turn it on. It gave us something to do besides actually talk to each other. But once the problem was solved we had to break the ice. So we hugged and he pushed me onto the bed, got on top of me and we started kissing.

We got hungry and he wanted to find a Thai restaurant he'd been to on a previous trip. We drove around for about 20 minutes looking for this place and ended up going in a complete circle. We decided to eat at a mexican restaurant near the hotel, instead. Afterwards, we stopped at a gas station to ask a random stranger where a flea market and good club were. I've only bought clothes at a flea market once before, in high school when I needed a dress for my pageant. It was a used red column dressed that my aunt turned into a flowy cocktail dress for the opening number. I was happy to see that this flea market had new clothes and Skittles bought me a cute brown, quater sleeved, v-neck dress. We went back to the hotel and had sex again, took naps, and then showers, and got ready for the club.

Skittles looked fly in all black with a black Kango and silver jewelry to accent. We drove to downtown Atlanta to find a club to go to. We drove around for about 30 minutes then finally settled on a spot. Driving around looking for places seemed to be a recurring theme for Skittles, but we are both patient people so we didn't get upset about it. I finally told him we should just go to one place we'd driven by first. It was a nice club with 3 levels. We partied on two of them. Drinks were very expensive. Skittles isn't much of a dancer, but he got hype on songs he liked. After the club we went to Waffle House. I don't really like Waffle House because it was the dirtiest restaurant on a Dateline special, but I've been there before and I like the pecan waffle, so it was okay. Besides I was kinda drunk, so we could have eaten at the Walmart deli and I wouldn't have cared. The place had a jukebox in it, so we tried to select really crazy songs, but the selection was sparce. After Waffle House we went back to the hotel and I was in a really frisky mood, so we had a nice session before bed.

The next day we went to see Street Kings, which turned out to be a really great movie. Afterwards we went looking for the Thai restaurant again. By this time, I felt it was a hopeless cause, but I let him drive around aimlessly anyway. To my surprise, we happened upon it. I was happy for him and the food there was some of the best Thai food I've had. In fact it makes me want to get some from a Thai restaurant downtown here. I'm gonna continue this later, cause I'm really hungry!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Progression

My mother called on Saturday. She asked if I wanted her and my dad to come visit. I said no, maybe another weekend. Despite my pleadings for them to stay home, they came on Sunday anyway. It's not that I didn't want them to visit. I just didn't want them staring at me and having a prayer circle around me like I'm some misfortunate soul. But it wasn't so bad, I got in a few laughs. Then my mother asked me to call my brother. I haven't talked to him since January, because I don't want him getting on me and I feel bad for not keeping in contact. I told her I would email him, but that wasn't enough for her. She just kept begging me and trying to make me feel guilty about it. Then she said if I didn't want to talk to him about anything, I could just say so. She tried to act like I could do that with anyone in the family. That's not true. I've tried it before, and whatever I don't want to talk about enters the conversation over and over until I give in. She was bringing me down, and when she saw that, she didn't want to leave. I told her she was trying to do too much at once and we need to take it Bird by Bird. I told her the story about the little boy who had to do a project on birds. He waited until the night before to start. He sat at the kitchen table and spread out all the books he had on different types of birds. He looked up at his dad overwhelmed, "How am I going to get through all these books?" His dad told him, "Son, just take it bird by bird." I don't know where that story is from, but my professor told the class this story. My mom understood and dropped it. I slapped a smile on my face and sent my parents on their way. I called Skittles right after they left. Then my mom interrupted the call to ask why I din't look through the blinds when they left. Ugh!

Skittles and I have moved to Video Calls over the net. It's nice to be able to look at each other while we talk. Sunday night, I just wanted to fall asleep staring at him, but we couldn't get any sleep that way. He is coming this Friday, and I can't wait to see him. I've fallen for him big time.

Sugar Daddy texted me today. At first I had no idea who it was. He'd changed his number. He asked how I was doing and said he really missed me. I don't get that? I didn't text back right away. Then I got 2 calls from a restriced number I figured was him. So I texted back that I was fine and that I was involved with someone who cared about me deeply and that I was happy. He texted back: "Congrats let me know if I can do anything to help." I don't need his help.

I've gotten calls from Flip, Flow, and Radio. I didn't answer any of them. I wrote Undercover an email apologizing for igging him. I started to feel bad, since we had sex and all. He hasn't even read it yet.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Understanding



I had my first session with my psychologist on Thursday. I was nervous sitting in the waiting room waiting for her to surface and call my name. But I picked up a Heart and Soul magazine for which my cousins wife used to be the Editor in Chief. I flipped through the front sections and was surprised to see her picture there. She's back with the magazine! Cool! I wanted to go around the room and say "That's my cousin's wife!", but that would be pretty silly. Coincidentally, the article she wrote was about black women and mental health. Black women don't like to seek help for mental health. How true that is? I think the black community in general is reluctant to see a doctor for any health problem. There's alot of mistrust and institutionalized racism that keeps us from wanting to get involved with the health care system. Our history with the health care is tainted with multiple forms of prejudice and mistreatment(Tuskegee Experiment, Eugenics/Forced Sterilization, targeting us for certain contraceptives (e.g. Norplant)) Even on my OB/GYN rotation at a community hospital that sees mostly poor black and hispanic women, the residents and attendings pushed women to accept "provider-controlled" contraceptives, like the Depo shot. There is benefit to spacing pregnancies, but still it should be the woman's choice. That is what the Pro-Choice movement was originally about, allowing women the choice of not to conceive and birth children for whatever reason. The movement changed though for political and social reasons. It became more about controlling unwanted populations, i.e. poor people and minorities. The movement took off from there.

As for mental health, I think that most of the black community either relies on God, tobacco, illegal drugs, and/or alcohol to take care of our issues. The problem with the last 3 are obvious, but God or faith in him is very helpful. I've relied on Him in the past. I think this time though, I got to a point where I wasn't sure God actually cared and I thought maybe he wanted me to be this way. Who wants to rely on someone that doesn't seem to be there for you? When you get to that point, that's when you know something isn't right and getting professional help would be a good idea. No one understands that. I didn't understand until I went through it. My professor told me Thursday morning that this would make me a better doctor, because I'll be able to relate to my patients. It helps to really understand what someone is going through. We are taught as medical students to empathize, but to sympathize because you've been there creates a much stronger bond.

Anyway, back to the waiting room. My therapist appeared around the corner. I looked up to find an older white woman probably in her late 50s. I was a little dissapointed, hoping to get someone younger. She wasn't even on the same floor as the others. I don't know why this bothered me, but it did. We had to walk down a flight to get to her office. Once there, I told her about why I originally came in and what my problems were past and present. Then she asked about family and friends. I told her how I rarely talk to my brother, I talk to my sister once a month, and my mom calls me once a week. I told her I have a couple of good friends at school that I talk to pretty regularly. Then she asked if I had a boyfriend. Why did she have to ask that? And why did I have to mention Skittles? I should have just kept my mouth shut. I tried to describe him in the best light possible. But descriptors like met on myspace, lives in florida, limo driver, and rapper were red flags to her. She asked if I looked up anything on him. Yes I have and he is a rapper, he has music all over the net. But I'm not gonna pay the 39.95 to find out his address, credit history, job history, and whatever else you can find out from those people search sites. She asked if I knew who he works for, how old he supposedly is, when and where we're planning to meet. Suddenly, I felt like I was talking to my sister and regretted even mentioning him. She ended the interrogation with "Maybe you should think about how much you actually have in common with him." She wasn't gonna understand that meeting people on the net is normal now and although he may not be Dr. so and so, or have a white collar career, I still love him for who he is and what he is to me.

I try not to be classist. As long as a guy can speak intelligently and has some ambitions he's working toward career-wise, I'll talk to him. To get further, we have to have some type of connection whether sexual, intellectual, spiritual, or a combination. And to stay together, we have to fulfill some need in each other's lives. With skittles I have all of that. Even though we haven't met, I feel like we've already made love. It's a strange feeling.

I talked to my sister for the first time since January, the other night. She says my adopted nephew is going to grow up to be a sociopath, my biological niece's therapist refuses to see her anymore, and my adopted niece is completely normal, just boy crazy. I'm concerned about her parenting skills. She herself is a counselor and has taught parents how to deal with their problem children. So of course she feels she knows it all. But if you are concerned your child might grow up to be a sociopath, maybe you need extra help. I think my nephew will grow up to be the type of guy that charms the hell out of people to get his way and if he doesn't he'll blow up. That seems to be his modus now. Honestly I think the kid is a normal boy and my sister and her husband are the wackos. He'd probably be fine in a more nuturing less contricted environment. They have multiple rules, that are kinda pointless. No food upstairs, no snacks after this time, no tv before this time, can't go to friends houses, etc. So many rules to break for a kid who supposedly can't follow rules. And she gets frustrated over it. She has a lock on the fridge now. It's ridiculous to me. I try to give her advice, but I'm the little sister.

My sister asked me if I was talking to anyone new. I said no. As if I would tell her, please! Will she ever understand?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Changes

So life is changing quite a bit. Therefore, my blog is changing. From now on, I'll probably be talking more about me and my life outside of men I'm dating. After the revelation I had in my last entry, I think it will be good for me to explore myself. MMM? That sounds like a line from the Vagina Monologues.

This past weekend I went to a school friend's house to watch UNC against Kansas. She's a cool friend. We joke about everything. I would never have thought she would be my friend. We had the OB/GYN rotation together and she would say things that got on my nerves. So I didn't think we'd be too cool. But during our Surgery rotation we were the only two 3rd years and the only two in our apartment, so we bonded and became friends. She's a funny gal. It seems she always gets into these predicaments. Once she had a patient that was in bad condition and needed a line placed. None of the residents were jumping to do it and she got worried, so she called the helicopter EMTs. The helicopter team arrived to the room, but were very confused as to why they were called. Basically she over stepped her boundaries and the attending told her to take the rest of the day off. When she told me this story I was thinking why the hell would you call the medevac's to help a patient in the hospital. But I soon learned she was full of these types of stories and she often did off the wall stuff like that. Otherwise she's really smart and dependable on the job. So I'll call her Lucy, after the Lucille Ball character.

The Surgery rotation was full of hilarity. We had one intern who was basically a country bumpkin and a little slow. He was always getting yelled at. Another intern, also a farm boy, was very conceited. I was on call with him once and he gathered up all the female nursing students to watch him put a catheter in a vein in a man's thigh. The vein started bleeding uncontrollable until there was a pool of blood forming on the sterile sheet laying over his legs. A few of the students walked out as the small procedure became a bloody mess of a mishap. His little scheme failed. I just had to shake my head. Lucy and I laughed about it later.

Also during this rotation, I had a crush on one of the attendings. He was a 50 something Persian man, tall, olive skin, dark curly hair, so very attractive. He had an english accent and a breathy deep voice. I've loved english accents ever since Craig David came out with "Fill Me In" in 2000. He could be a bit abrassive though with his comments. He pretty much told Lucy and I we were fat in so few words, otherwise he was really nice and I was always happy to see him. When he would lecture us I would just smile at him as he talked. I couldn't help it. I'm sure he knew how I felt. Once I came to watch one of his surgeries. It was a small procedure and I really couldn't get close enough to see anything, so he told me to go see another surgery. I felt a little rejected, but about 15 minutes later he showed up in this other surgery and I was happy to see him. Even though his presence there had nothing to do with me, I'd like to think he wanted to make up for kicking me out of his operating room!

Updates on men:
Flip: I've been avoiding his phone calls. Sad. I know. But I just can't do it. I can't say it. "I've found someone else." So lame am I.
Undercover: He stopped calling a long time ago. But still, I should have said something. Email is too lame, but maybe I should just do it. What difference does it make? Honestly, who cares? He got what he wanted. But he seemed pretty lonely til I showed up. He even commented that he's just too nice of a guy and that's why he's single. But then again he's not that nice, cause he tried to choke me to death and maybe that's why he's single. Maybe that's what I'll say in the email. "That erotic asphyxiation shit freaks me out, so I found someone else." mmmm...still lame. So...I'll think about it. By the time I decide, maybe he won't care anymore.

Well BeJay are definitely married. I think she has a baby on the way. I don't know. I could be wrong, but their wedding should have been the wedding of the century not some little quiet, secret ceremony in an apartment. Whatev... i'll probably end up doing the same and have everyone mad at me. I don't know. I've always imagined a big wedding, but I don't think I could handle the stress of it all. Everyone will want to have their say, pressuring me to do it this way or that way. I'd almost rather go to the justice of the peace and then go home and start making babies. Then show up to the family reunion pregnant with my husband no one's even heard of, let alone met. How exciting would that be?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

My Decisions

Skittles. Skittles. I love that man and he loves me. It's pretty hot. Things are great.

Das Weiner called me the other day. He's not buying Skittles and I. He says it won't last. Time will tell. He's mad because one week we were planning his trip down here and the next week I was with Skittles. He says I'm like I always was. Maybe so. But is anything wrong with that.

Jokes, my friend from high school who's moving down here, doesn't seem to be happy about Skittles either. He can't stop making jokes about it. He emailed me yesterday: "You're all in love. I guess some people can't stay single." This made me mad cause he already commented about this on the phone, so why does he need to email me about it too. So I got smart with him and he emailed back: "It seems when you're single you can take a joke, but when you in a relationship, you become completely humorless." He's pushing it. He's mad also because before Skittles I told him he could come spend the night with me whenever he wanted. That's how you talk when you're single.

Well, I tend to delve into my past whenever I'm single, to find a guy to pass the time with. MMMMM. That's bad. Why do I do that? Maybe I am the bad person in all this. It's not that I'm not considering being with these people again though. But still. I am beginning to realize the problem with continually going back to these men and where I may be wrong. I won't do it anymore.

I've gotten backlash for my decisions all my life. I should be used to it, but all it does is make me feel incompetent. Whether it's my mother, my sister, or my friends, someone is always displeased with my choices in men, jobs, clothes, religions, everything. I can't live my life the way I want to because everyone is watching and would rather me do it differently. I was talking to a friend from school. She's Christian. I told her about Skittles coming up later this month. She asked, "Do you think he'll try to stay with you?" I was like, "Yeah he's probably going to stay with me." and I smiled. She just gave me this look like, "Okay, that's not what Christian women do." I wanted to be like, "Yeah they do all the time." But anyway, when I was in Holiness and with my most recent ex, she and I had more in common. She probably thinks I've fallen. She asked me if I wanted to go to church with her or another student at school who thinks he's a prophet. I was like no thanks. I think I need a more individuallized type of religion. I've always been more of a loner type anyway.

I don't know. Why can't I just pick what works best for me? People want you to feel like you don't know yourself. Like with this taking meds for depression thing. I'm just not even going to tell anyone in my family about it. I know how they'll react already. I guess I need to be more private with all of my life matters. I'm old enough to do things without checking for my family's approval first. I'd like to include them, but often they just confuse me and convince me to do what they want, rather than what I know I need.

I'll be more like Beyonce. Keep my mouth shut about things that don't pertain to other people. She's married to Jay-Z now. BeJay! I thought I'd get married before Beyonce. Is it just me or was their wedding kinda anti-climactic? Anyway, I am glad they are married now and I can't wait for them to have their first child. They better not wait 6 years for that. They need to bust those babies out quick.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Depression

I forgot how fun it was to fall in love with someone. I just wish he wasn't so far away. Things are going great with Skittles. We haven't run out of things to talk about yet. I like him more and more everyday. He's come into my life at the perfect time. He's been patient and understanding. He really cares about me, deeply. It's been wonderful. Skittles is coming to see me at the end of the month instead of this weekend. It's a better time for me academically and "femininely".

I told Das Weiner about Skittles. He was not happy. He couldn't even talk to me. He said he'd call me back but never did. I hope he's okay. The simple truth is that Das Weiner could have easily made me his girl if he wanted me to be. He had the opportunity but he missed it again. I feel bad for him. I know how it feels. But I didn't expect to fall in love with Skittles and I'm not gonna sit at home for a guy who's not sure he wants to be with me right now.

I went to see a therapist today about my depression. I start therapy next week. It's been a long time coming if you ask me. I've had problems with depression before. But I would always get over it. This time was alot worse than others. For the first time in my life I seriously considered harming myself. I wanted to get help a few weeks ago, but I didn't go until today. I'm glad to finally get help for it. My niece and my cousin both have mood disorders, so I think it runs in may run in my family. My family tends to deny things, so it's difficult to know if others have had mental problems. I think we always use our faith to get through. My mom has been telling me just pray and God will help you. But what if you don't even feel like praying. And if God is omnicient, he should know how I feel and what I need. He's not oblivious, right. Well I'm not gonna wait to feel like praying. I'm just going to get the help I need.