Sunday, April 6, 2008

My Decisions

Skittles. Skittles. I love that man and he loves me. It's pretty hot. Things are great.

Das Weiner called me the other day. He's not buying Skittles and I. He says it won't last. Time will tell. He's mad because one week we were planning his trip down here and the next week I was with Skittles. He says I'm like I always was. Maybe so. But is anything wrong with that.

Jokes, my friend from high school who's moving down here, doesn't seem to be happy about Skittles either. He can't stop making jokes about it. He emailed me yesterday: "You're all in love. I guess some people can't stay single." This made me mad cause he already commented about this on the phone, so why does he need to email me about it too. So I got smart with him and he emailed back: "It seems when you're single you can take a joke, but when you in a relationship, you become completely humorless." He's pushing it. He's mad also because before Skittles I told him he could come spend the night with me whenever he wanted. That's how you talk when you're single.

Well, I tend to delve into my past whenever I'm single, to find a guy to pass the time with. MMMMM. That's bad. Why do I do that? Maybe I am the bad person in all this. It's not that I'm not considering being with these people again though. But still. I am beginning to realize the problem with continually going back to these men and where I may be wrong. I won't do it anymore.

I've gotten backlash for my decisions all my life. I should be used to it, but all it does is make me feel incompetent. Whether it's my mother, my sister, or my friends, someone is always displeased with my choices in men, jobs, clothes, religions, everything. I can't live my life the way I want to because everyone is watching and would rather me do it differently. I was talking to a friend from school. She's Christian. I told her about Skittles coming up later this month. She asked, "Do you think he'll try to stay with you?" I was like, "Yeah he's probably going to stay with me." and I smiled. She just gave me this look like, "Okay, that's not what Christian women do." I wanted to be like, "Yeah they do all the time." But anyway, when I was in Holiness and with my most recent ex, she and I had more in common. She probably thinks I've fallen. She asked me if I wanted to go to church with her or another student at school who thinks he's a prophet. I was like no thanks. I think I need a more individuallized type of religion. I've always been more of a loner type anyway.

I don't know. Why can't I just pick what works best for me? People want you to feel like you don't know yourself. Like with this taking meds for depression thing. I'm just not even going to tell anyone in my family about it. I know how they'll react already. I guess I need to be more private with all of my life matters. I'm old enough to do things without checking for my family's approval first. I'd like to include them, but often they just confuse me and convince me to do what they want, rather than what I know I need.

I'll be more like Beyonce. Keep my mouth shut about things that don't pertain to other people. She's married to Jay-Z now. BeJay! I thought I'd get married before Beyonce. Is it just me or was their wedding kinda anti-climactic? Anyway, I am glad they are married now and I can't wait for them to have their first child. They better not wait 6 years for that. They need to bust those babies out quick.

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