Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Men Suck

I'm sitting here watching Spread. I guess I need to see this movie, but I feel like I'm every woman Ashton Koucher is playing. We trust men, we let them have our hearts, we give them every bit of us, we are their friends and lovers and even though they treat us like shit and we want to leave them, we can't. Something about them. Neptune put me through the same thing. I knew I was setting myself up for failure. I mean he just got out of a relationship, he constantly said he wanted to be friends only, until he got in trouble. Then suddenly he needed me to be his girl. He needed my love and my affection and my money. We were a couple.

Everything I did for him, I did because I loved him. He was my man. And even though I wanted to believe he really wanted me, I knew in the back of my mind that it was all calculated. And now that his trouble is almost over and he's gotten all the money he needs, I'm no longer needed. But the funny part is he thinks I'm still supposed to do all those little things for him because we're friends. But he doesn't know I don't do those things for friends. Wait, he did know, that's why we had to be together right? What he doesn't know is that I move on. I turn off like a switch. I've always been that way and I feel bad about it, but I have to inorder to protect myself and protect my heart. I just have to try not to get myself in trouble this time. I have to avoid going crazy and fucking every guy that wants me, like I did with Papi Chulo.

I've started talking to Skittles again. He would kill me if he knew I started my blog again. When my fiancee and I first broke up I wanted to contact him, but I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. I knew I wanted to see other men and that there was a possibility I would get involved with someone. I didn't want to hook and then throw him back, like I did when I met my fiancee. That wouldn't be fair. So I waited, until I felt the time was right. And it is right now.

Men suck in general, but I at least should be with someone who wants to be with me. Someone who recognizes what a good woman I am or potentially can be with the right man. A man that will take care of me and who has my best interest at heart. Not someone who's selfish.

Ashton's Character also reminds me of this guy I'll call Flight. Me and Flight met in elementary school. He used to pick on me all the time, but in 5th grade he was my boyfriend for like a week. I was obsessed with him. We kept in touch through high school and dated for a month then. But when he graduated a year before me and went into the Navy, I got a boyfriend. He wrote me from boot camp and I basically let him know I was over him. I saw him at a party once in college and then I found his number in the white pages my senior year. He told me he was happily married and I just let him go. I was looking for a way out of the relationship with the Ex I hate

But in 2009 I bumped into Flight at Walmart when I was with my fiancee. I couldn't believe my eyes. The guy I spent almost half my life obsessing over was finally back. We reconnected on facebook and started seeing eachother. He gave me the old "I'm not looking for a girlfriend" line and even though I knew I was setting myself up I kept seeing him and thinking that maybe he'd change his mind. But the truth is he just didn't want me to be his girlfriend. He's had two girlfriends since then. Both white. One fat and the other young and dumb. I'm convinced he uses women and he looks for ones that are insecure or immature, because he can get the most out of them. Maybe he felt bad using me. Maybe he had some kind of respect for me and didn't want to hurt me. That's what I tell myself. At least I finally got to make love to Flight after all those years of dreaming about it.

Well Ashton ends up alone at the end. The girl he finally fell in love with choses another man so she can be financially secure. So now i don't feel so bad about the movie. But it did open my eyes a bit.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Choosing Love vs Falling in Love

When Skittles and I were talking about being together, he said to me you have to be with someone who wants to be with you. He knew about other men I was talking to. He asked me if any of them wanted me to be their woman. I said no. But why was I wasting my time with the others.

He was right. No use putting yourself out there for someone who only wants you as a cutty buddy or friend. Neptune said we'd be friends for life. Just friends. That's it. I guess I have no choice but to be satisfied with that. His ex wants his loving again. I guess she just uses him for sex, but he obliges. Is he doing the same to me? I'm not sure I have a reason to think otherwise. It's a cruel confusing fucked up world. You feel one thing, but it's not always reality. I guess our perception can deceive us.

Neptune said love is a rare thing to find. It really is. What are the odds of two people feeling the same way, at the same time, wanting the same things, in the same place, for the same reasons, and willing to pursue it all together. So many factors affect it. Is that what I found with my ex? Sometimes I felft like I was just making a choice for love. I could never say that I was in love with him. I wasn't in love. I just loved him and I can love him again, but I don't think I'll ever have that feeling like looking at him and not wanting anyone or anything else. I was satisfied and content. I just assumed I could never fall in love again. I thought I'd missed my chance to have that type of love. I'd just have to settle for what I had. It wasn't so bad.

I know exactly when I made the choice to love him. It was our first Valentine's day. When he first said he loved me. He made my Valentine's so special. So many beautiful gifts and a diamond necklace. No one had ever done that for me before. He loved me and I decided that he was worthy of my love too. It was like being courted and choosing a suitor. Not like falling in love. But meeting Neptune changed everything. It made me believe in my heart again. Even though he doesn't feel the same way I do, at least I know I'm capable of it. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to trust that I can find that rare thing again, like I had with the ex I was with for 4 years, or will I settle for the choice of love.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


So my ex-fiancee is really tripping right now. I am really just going to have to cut him off. He did this type of stuff during our relationship. Today he told me he hated me because I revealed to him that I was living with a man. But right now he's texting that he loves me. When we were together he would mope around for days. I'd ask him what's wrong. He'd put on a big cheshire smile and tell me he was fine. Then suddenly he'd blow up at me about something and try to break up with me. "You don't really want me. I'm tired of being unhappy. Just leave me and let me be happy. I don't need someone like you in my life." This would happen every few weeks. He was insecure. Always felt I was cheating. I wasn't faithful in the beginning stages of our relationship, but after he put that ring on my finger I stayed true to him. And I did everything reasonable to show it. But it wasn't enough for him.

He would act funny everytime I went out with my best girlfriend. When I would come home after dinner with her I would get the "fake" treatment, complete with cheshire smile and high pitched overly enthusiastic tone. "I'm glad you went out with your girlfriend. You need to spend time with your girl." But I could tell he was jealous. I could tell he thought she would turn me away from him. I could almost see the thoughts going thru his head and soon we'd end up arguing about it. He would tell me I acted differently when I went out with her. I would want to know how, but he could never answer. I'd tell him about his actions and of course he'd deny. But I put up with it.

Why did I put up with his whiny voice, and his early morning moaning sessions, his grabby unexperience hands, his awkward tongue kissing, his frequent "fake" treatments, his fits...?

He'd done so much for me. I guess I felt I was being smart. I mean I'd left the man I probably should have married. The guy I was in Holiness with. He's got a great job now, making good money, with a side gig filming a local tv show, vacationing in the Dominican Republic...I was foolish then. But I was gonna be smart with this one. I was gonna go all the way. Cause I didn't want to miss out again. I was afraid I'd miss out again.

Now that we are not together and he's acting like an idiot, I can see more clearly that I wasn't missing out. And that it's okay to move on. I don't have to be scared of the future, because I don't know and can't guess what's in store. I can only trust God and live day to day finding some way to please Him.

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune...I really like him alot. Sometimes I just look at him and think to myself "Why don't we just fall in love?", like that Amerie song. I love the way he looks at me. He says so much to me with his eyes. He's a sweet guy, ambitious, passionate, loving, caring, thoughtful, funny, a good listener, good advice giver. Kissing him, touching all feels so right. I suppose we both are going through alot emotionally with our ex's and other crap happening in our lives, if we tried to make something out of this we'd be cheating ourselves. I guess it's not good to begin a relationship like that. I just hope that when we are ready, the feelings are still there. And I hope they are mutual. AAAAAAAH!

Lucky was out of town this weekend. Good cause I didn't feel like telling him I couldn't see him. Neptunes neighbor asked me out to a basketball game. I ended up saying no, cause it would be unfair to date a man when I have feelings for someone else and no plans of sleeping with the guy.

I just can't sleep with anyone else right now, cause all I think about is Neptune. I feel so bad about Lucky, cause it's like I've used him for sex, but Lucky acts like he doesn't care anyway. It's a fascade, but he insists he's cool with it. Idk, guys are funny. The sex last time was awful. He head butted me in the mouth and then accidently put his dick in my ass. I just wanted to leave after that. The only thing I really like about him is that he tells me I have the most amazing body. Other than that, there's nothing there.

I'm just gonna concentrate on myself and Neptune and if Neptune acts up, I'll just have to suck it up and be lonely girl.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Though Shall Not Want

I was taught when I was little that if you put God first, He will provide everything. It wasn't until I was in Holiness that I truly saw this come to fruition. The Bible says, "seek ye first the kingdom of God..." That's all Holiness was about. But I gave it all up. I gave up on God and in doing so I gave up all that he'd given me. It took me a while to make the connection. After I left NC and moved back home, down-trodden, broken hearted and depressed, I had to learn to trust God and praise him through all of the hurt emotions and broken faith. The pastor at the church I was attending would often preach that we had to lift God up even when we are down and in return he'd bless us. He was right. After searching for a biology related job to no avail and then working at a fast food restaurant full-time, I finally met a part-timer who was working for a great company looking for people with a science background. And although the original position I applied for was not offered to me, the manager forwarded me and my app to another developing team and I soon was working a better job with more pay, hours, and benefits.

Things were turning around and the praising was doing me some good. God also put a man in my life. Not my ideal man, but someone to take care of me, provide for me, and love me like a man should. I grew to love him. I loved him so much that when we were on the verge of an awful break-up due to all the turmoil in our relationship, I reached bag into my Holiness faith and fasted and prayed for us. God turned things around in days. Things were never the same after that. Sure we'd argue here and there, almost break up and then make up again. But I had more patience, he was less insecure and argumentative. Things were good and we were getting married.

But apparently God had other plans. He wanted me else where. But I wasn't ready. I didn't even know what was going on. But He's changed my life in 20 different ways recently. I'm just hanging on for dear life. I'm praising him through the pain. I'm trusting him all the while. And learning not to lean unto my own understanding or put my faith in man. He is showing me again that his Word is true. I once again have no clear vision of my future, but I do see his love, his mercy, his kindness, his faithfulness. I see that He is with me and that everything will be alright. Everything will work out for the good of they that love the Lord. And God is going to renew my strength and my faith.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Hood Rat Stuff

So last night on The Game, Melaney planned a threesome for her husband Derwin. Now Neptune is fixated on this idea of a menage a trois. I'm not a threesome type of chick. The closest I got was giving head to Radio while my cousin made out with him. But I don't mess with girls like that. It's a line I don't really want to cross. Sure I've thought about it. There have been times when I even thought I might go for it, but it just seems so amoral. Sex between a man and woman is intimate and sacred but when you start adding extra people or toys, it makes it...weird. I don't think God is pleased with half the stuff I do, but I think a threesome would really make him angry and I don't need that in my life right now. Not with all the BS going on. Neptune thinks it would be so great, but he would have to catch me on a good night. He found this porn star on craigslist who's in town for the night and he wants to pay $300 to sleep with her. What a joke? He is such a sex addict, it's ridiculous. I can't even be mad at him for all this because I know what kind of person he is. But still I manage to feel sad about it. Stupid emotions!!! LOL!!!

Neptune is starting to remind me of Papi Chulo. All in to me until something better comes along. Wants me close, but keeps me at a distance. Make me feel so alone, when I have him. Papi sent me in a downward spiral, but I'm not going down like that again.

I haven't talked to Lucky at all since Friday night. He's a nice guy but I'm not really into him as much as I'm into Neptune. It's sad, cause Lucky would probably be better for me on a character level. If Lucky did something to surprise me and make me feel special, I could be persuaded to devote myself to him.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Eff a nigga

So alot has happened. I moved in with Neptune. He is a confusing guy. One minute he's like we're just roommates, the next he wants to fuck me and the next he wants to cuddle and kiss and play house. It makes me mad cause I never know what to expect.

I had to move in with him, because I couldn't find my wallet and the only person who could have moved it was my roommate. I had put it in the center console in a rental car I was driving and when I went to take it out it wasn't there. I asked my roommate if she had taken it. I thought maybe she was hiding it because she didn't want me go to Lucky's house that night. She was really concerned about me sleeping with him. So I thought she was playing a trick to get me to stay home that night. Well when I asked her about it, she became irrate and told me I needed to come up with some moving plans. So I immediately called Neptune and spent the night at his house and then moved my stuff to his place the next day. I just got settled in this past weekend. Rearranging the room and getting sheets for the bed.

He seemed happy to have me here. But he and his fiancee were talking getting back together so continually reminded me that we needed to be professional. Well we were doing pretty well with that until Friday night. He invited me out with a couple of his neighbors. It was fun. One friend bought a bottle of Moet Rose for all of us. It was delicious. But things turned when Neptune couldn't stop drinking. He didn't even have money to buy anything, but somehow when the club was about to close he was able to down a heiniken and shot of henessey. On the way out he started an argument with the bouncers about his shirt he left inside and almost started a fight with a guy who started talking to me outside. When he got his shirt back he hit me with it and then said he hated me. He asked why i was about to sleep with his friends. I said "I'm not your girl" and He said well I want you to be.

He definitely has a binge drinking issue, but I knew what he was saying and doing was all alcohol. Now I could see why his girl left him, besides the cheating. That night he tried to sleep with me. But I refused cause he was being to ruff. I slept next to him and soon fell out, but was rudely awaken by his dick being shoved in my mouth. I pushed him off of me and made him stop and he finally went to sleep. The next morning he was still horny and wanted head. I obliged and soon after he wanted sex. Rough sex. Like slap me talk dirty to me spit in my mouth sex. The kind you only see on pornos. Kinky shit. It was a turn on but I wasn't expecting half the shit he did and asked me to do. But I loved it.

Sunday morning, he was being nicer. We sat in the living room and watched TV. He apologized for how he acted over and over. He exclaimed how it shouldn't have happen and how upset he was with himself. Then he asked if we could have sex again. He jumped in the shower and I after him. When I got out he met me in the hall and kissed me softly on the lips. We moved to his bedroom and he hit it from behind. I looked back at him and he watched my face as I moaned and bit my lip, grabbing the sheets. After that session I had to got meet my ex fiancee. We talked about it. Neptune said I should go back to him. But I told him it wasn't what i wanted. He started talking about his ex, saying she deserved better and he did her so wrong and could understand why she couldn't forgive her. I was proud of him for the revelation.

I met with my ex fiancee at our old house. He had gotten a puppy. It was going to be my valentine's present, but he decided not to give it to me at the last minute. I played with it a bit, then he and I went out to eat. We talked over dinner. I let him know I wasn't ready to come back and that it was a possibility for us to get back together but not a promise. We can still talk and see each other from time to time, but getting back together was a big step. He understood. We went to the pet store to get some things for his puppy, we took her for a walk, and then parted ways.

Neptune called me while I was away. On my way back I called him back. He was at the store. When I got home I told him what happened with my ex and in the middle of my explanation he reaches over and kisses me. I was surprised and the rest of the night we cuddled and slept together. It was really nice.

I don't know where all that came from. It's like suddenly he realized that we should be together. Or he was feeling lonely. Only time will tell.....

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Gotta Make a Move

Neptune and I spent about a week apart starting Valentine's day. That was tough for me. I don't like spending Valentine's alone and I told Neptune this, but he repeatedly proclaimed, "It's just another day." He was still grieving the loss of his ex and he supposedly wanted to be alone. I don't really know what he was doing, but by thursday night he was telling me he missed me.

I had already set up a date for Friday night with someone else I met on the dating site. I'll call him Lucky because he claims to be a good poker player. I asked Lucky if he wanted to go to dinner Friday and he accepted my invititation. But by Friday he was claiming he had to spend time with his son. I suggested we go to a nearby restaurant and he agreed, but then asked me if I wanted to go to a comedy show. So I drove to his house in the hood and waited for him to come out. I had met lucky before when he was in his work clothes. But he looked much better dressed up. My perfect type. Tall, light skinned, average build, straight teeth, nice butt. We walked to the venue because it was 3 sweaty blocks away. I marched like a trooper in 4 inch heeled boots. I was quite misty when we arrived, but dried off pretty quickly. During the show, Lucky couldn't keep his hands off my thighs. His touch felt so good. We held hands much of the time there. It was nice. We walked back to his place. I took off my boots and he held them. It was a nice gesture. Stuff like that makes me feel sexy and desired. I wasn't planning to have sex with Lucky, but he was making it hard. Plus I hadn't had any in a week. So when we got back to his place, we watched TV and maid out during commercials. It was nice, but whenever his show came back on, it was hard to keep his attention.

Lucky is good with his hands though. He knew how to touch me and he went down on me. I would have come if he'd done it a little longer, but I guess he was anxious to get inside me. So we had sex. It was not the greatest. To be sucha good looking guy, his dick game is not on point. His son was sleeping in the other room, so maybe he was not putting his all in. I still like Lucky though. I want to give him a chance. Sometimes it takes a while to get a rhythm going with someone new. Although with Neptune it was good from the start. What I did like about sex with Lucky is that he adored my body. He kept giving me compliments. That made me feel much more comfortable giving my body to him. Neptune isn't like that, but he does tell me I'm sexy. Neptune also hasn't tried to give me any head. However, he loves to be on the receiving end. Lucky told me he doesn't care for fellatio, but loves going down. What the hell kinda guy is he? He's gonna make some innocent girl happy, but I love giving head and I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't want it. It's the only thing I'm confident about in the bedroom.

The next morning Lucky and I had sex twice more before I went home. All I could think about was Neptune. I wanted him. Sex was better with him. I felt more comfortable with him. I felt like I belonged with him.

Soon after I got back, Neptune texted me, saying he needed me. I showered and headed over. He was sick and his son was over. I took care of both of them. We went to the mall and to the playland. We watched movies. It was instant family again. Neptune was feeling bad the whole time though. We didn't have sex, but I gave him some head and a hand job and he came pretty easily. We did reach a milestone this weekend. I talked to him extensively about my ex for the first time. That helped me alot. I needed to tell him how I was feeling about my ex fiancee and all the emotions I was going through with him and my family. I wanted to tell Neptune that I was falling in love with him, but I kept that to myself.

After our weekend together, I went home. Neptune called and thanked me for all i'd done for him and his son. I told him I do it because I care about him. He said it shows. I know Neptune feels the same way about me. I told him about some issues with my roommate and he suggested i move in with him. Take up the other bedroom, jsut no boys allowed. I told him, "and no girls." That would truly work great. I brought it up again later and he smiled about it. I don't know how real he was with the invite to move, but I'll bring it up again because I feel like I live with a second mother right now. Somethings got to give. I don't want to jsut move in with Neptune because of that though. I do really enjoy spending time with him and I want to be around him more and more. I have practically lived there and he likes having me around. I just need to know that it's not for sex, food, or loneliness, but because he really thinks I'm the one for him. Whether it's for the moment or a lifetime. I need to know that he wants me and wants to fall in love with me.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

So Confused

So Neptune and I are doing well. I spent last weekend with him and his son. It was like instant family. His son was so cute and he was happy to be around me. I will see them this weekend as well. I've spent eveynight there since Monday. I am really starting to develop feelings for him. I don't want to say I'm falling in love. He is a complicated guy. I think he's a sex addict. I know he is a cheater. He cheated on his ex-fiancee with at least 5 different women. He's a binge drinker. I know I am kidding myself thinking that we can possibly have a long term serious relationship. But I'm thinking I can fall in love with this guy if I just throw caution to the wind and give my heart and trust to him. The positives are that he sees how his sex addiction can affect someone he loves and he is in a Level 1 alcohol class. So he's making changes for the better. He also was reading the bible, which should help as well.

I really don't know how to feel. Tonight and Tomorrow night we are spending apart because he's going out and I'm going out. He is probably gonna have sex with some other chick but whatever, i'm not gonna think about it. He asked if I want to put him on lockdown. I do, but I don't want to jump into a relationship so soon. I don't want to be heart broken again. Maybe I need to grieve the loss off my fiancee.

Sometimes I want to go back to my ex, just so I don't have get used to someone new. But with everything that has happened I just can't go back. I want to be back in my home, but I can't cause he's there.

It just hurts me that he would do such a stupid thing when we are supposed to be getting married. Did he not understand that I am young, beautiful, and intelligent and had no business being with his old ass? Did he know that I loved him and cared for him, though I was not completely sexually attracted to him? Did he know that I didn't really enjoy sex with him.? Did he know his whining and complaining grated my nerves, but I put up with it and eventually just got used to it. I didn't have to be with him. But we built a life together and I wanted to maintain that.

There was nothing I wanted more than to get married and start a family. But you can't trust men. You can't depend on them.

If I don't hear from Neptune before tomorrow night. I think I'll give Bruno a call and make him meet up with me, so we can get this sexual encounter out of the way.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Something NEW!!

Well I started a profile on a dating site and so far I've met two guys. One I'll call Neptune because he's got massive chesticals like the mythical deity Neptune and he has a mustache like Pharrell from the Neptunes. He contacted me first and I liked his pictures, so I responded. His approach was sorta aggressive. He wanted to meet as soon as possible. I hadn't had good schlong in a while and something about his pictures made me think he could give it to me. We quickly went from texting to talking to our first meeting at Buffulo Wild Wings. I was so nervous sitting in the booth with my Margarita and sweet tea, waiting for Neptune to show up. What if he didn't like what he saw? He said he was short, what if he was a midget? Most of his picks were chest up, what if he's had gastric bypass and a massive belly. The anticipation was killing me, but still I knew everything would be fine and that I would be pleased literally later that night. He drove by the window in his black magnum looking for a parking space. I got a glimpse of his profile. He was smaller than I thought. Then I saw him again walking toward the door. He was attractive. Nice smile. Small frame. Dressed in a red and white plaid button down, blue jeans, and black boots. I invited him to sit next to me in the booth. We talked for about an hour and by the end of the night we were talking about wine and night caps and he invited me to his apartment. I said yes. Then he got this look in his eyes like "Damn I'ma give it to this chick good."

I followed Neptune to his apartment. It's a modest place. Not much furnishing. I would expect that for a bachelor, but maybe a little more for a 31 year old one. We sat on the couch to watch TV. He pulled up the radio on the computer, playing some slow jams. He started telling me I was sexy and beautiful and then he went in for a kiss. His lips were soft, his kiss reassuring. He asked me to get up so he could show me around. I followed him from his bedroom to the second bedroom where we started to kiss again. He sarted kissing my neck. I was so into it. His tongue felt so good on my neck. His hands caressed and squeezed my ass. It felt so good, so right. My body needed it and he was ready to give it to me. He laid on his back and I kissed and licked his neck, down to his chest and his stomach. He moaned with every stroke of my wet tongue. Then I took off his boxers. His schlong was a nice size. It fit perfectly in my mouth. I could almost put the whole thing in my mouth before it reached the back of my throat. "You swallowed the whold thing baby." I gave him head for about 10 minutes when he opened up a condom and asked me to climb on. I rode his dick up and down and around. He felt so good inside me I could barely contain myself. I wanted to cry it felt so good.

I got on my back and he started fucking me. He had my legs up and down, closed and spread. It was great. He ended off with my ass hanging off the edge of the bed. When he was about to cum he took off the condom and I got down on my knees and he came all over my mouth.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Good Effort

Well I finally talked to Bruno in person. Twice now. He's a flake. He said he couldn't call/text/email me because he's been so busy with work. But if I call you while you're sitting in the breakroom eating a chicken breast, I would expect you not to be too busy to answer. What a joke. Then I see him another day, headed toward the bathroom. I stop to say hi, he greets me and continues into the restroom. Not wanting to miss the chance to remind him of our planned rendevous, I ask him if we are still planning to "workout". He stares at me for a minute, I guess surprised that I would dare to ask him, looks in the bathroom to see if anyone is around and then says quietly, "I'll call you". Yeah right. He's the worst and I just can't take it.

I should have gone with my original plan, which was to skip him and go with this other guy at work, who has always been much more aggressive with his flirting. I'll call him Yoshi, because he has epicanthal folds like and asian guy. Yoshi is lightskinned, skinny guy at my job who works the pm shift. He is married with two boys, but from the 1st day I met him, he seemed interested in me. I thought he might be a better prospect because he worked a different shift. There is a woman that works with me who knows my fiancee. Althought I ddidn't think she'd tell anyone about Bruno, I didn't want to risk it. However, this woman will be on a leave of absence for several months, so I thought it was a sign that I should go for Bruno. WRONG!!!!

I talked to Yoshi yesterday because I had to stay late. He was trying to invite me to his friends party, but I had to work my part-time that night and he wasn't sure of the name of the club. I think I'll skip the email and just give him my number directly next time we talk. He's cuter than Bruno, more my type that is. I like lightskinned men, which both are, but Yoshi is a little darker and Bruno has some other mix in there. Yoshi is down with the black girls and Bruno just likes any woman. Infact, I think Bruno is just a sex addict. I can't stand him right now. I am never going to call/text/email him again. Maybe I'll say hi at work but that's it. So F him!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Always the Same

So Bruno and I are planning to get together this weekend. He wanted to get us a hotel this past Saturday, but I was going to a party and though I invited him, he didn't want to go. He really messed up with me on that one. I hate when a guy clearly only wants one thing and isn't willing to put for any other effort but to fuck you.

It's bothering me that he texted me everyday last week and now I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I'm not calling him. I'm not emailing him. I'm not texting him. I will say hello at work and that's it. When he finally texts me, probably later this week Wednesday or Thursday. I'll tell him to call me. He'll call and I'll ask what he wants. He'll say he wants to see how I'm doing. I'll be fine and ask him the same. He say he's good and ask if I'm sure everything is okay. I'll say I've been going through somethings with Fiancee and I've just been really down lately. He'll apologize and say he wished he could do something to cheer me up. I'll tell him no not to worry about me. He'll use that opportunity to bring up our "plans" for Saturday. I'll ask what he has planned. He'll say he wants to get a room, probably will want to meet there aroun 8 or 9 pm. I'll ask is that how you normally do things? You don't get drinks or talk.

I mean the least he could do is plan a date that ends at the hotel. I don't really know Bruno, except that he's really cute and wants to fuck me really bad. If he still wants to fuck me, I'm gonna have to ask him to make it special. Sweep me off my feet, wine and dine me, show me something different, share something with me to make me feel like I mean something to you, other than a fuck.

I am planning to leave Fiancee. I am postponing the wedding. He really doesn't want me to leave him. He cried last night when I suggested the idea. I will stay, just so he won't go crazy, but he's gonna drive me crazy the next few days asking me what's wrong and why I won't act like I love him. He doesn't understand what I'm going through. All he cares about is his own insecurity. I have to get out of this relationship. It's just going to take a while.

I want Bruno to be my exscape, but he is starting to lose my interest. Even if he does text or call before I'm expecting I won't answer until Thurs or Fri. I just don't want him to think he's got it in the bag. I don't want him to think it's gonna be that easy. He's gonna have to take me out for drinks or lunch/dinner. Spend some intimate time just talking and getting to know each other. He's gotta start giving me more attention at work. I know he doesn't want everyone knowing what's going on but he can still stop and talk to me. Put an arm around me, grab my hand, something to make me feel special to him. That is what makes a solid connection for me.

There was this guy I met a couple years ago before Fiancee, when I first moved back home. I was at a black party at a local hotel. I was inthe VIP section and I noticed this guy in a black jacket that had this silver sparkly winged design on the back. He was wearing a mail boy type hat and dark shades. Something just was so attractive about him and I had to go talk to him. He was happy to be talking to me. He put his arm around me, we dance a little and then exchanged numbers. He took me out on a date one weekend and the next weekend we met at a hotel. The sex was fantastic. He was hung like a stallion, even flaccid he was huge. I really liked him and I could tell he liked me too, even though our relationship was based mostly on sex, we still had a connection beyond that. I guess because he started out with a date and he always put me up in a nice hotel except for once when I had to pay for it. We stopped seeing each other when Fiancee and I got serious.

I just want Bruno to do the same. Ease into the sex. I've done the whole start out having sex thing, with Glimmer, Papi Chulo, and Pretty Boi. I just don't want to do it like that anymore. I'm older and deserve me. I'll try to convince him to make Saturday night special. Hopefully he hasn't forgotten about me. I need another man to get my mind off him. I'm going to the gym tonight with my girls maybe I'll scope out a guy and attack We'll see. Bruno just better pick it up.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Need Real Love

So After I closed out my blog yesterday, my horrible day turned into and even more dooming night. I had told Bruno not to text me after 1030, but because he got out of work a little after that he decided to text me a couple of times. My phone was downstairs in my purse on silence. My phone vibrates when it's on silence so Fiancee heard and looked thru my phone. He called Bruno to see if he was a man and then came up stairs to confront me.

I was asleep when he asked why Bruno would be calling me. He said why would you be talking to another man behind my back if you love me. I told him that I just met Bruno and gave him my number. Fiancee didn't believe me. He accused me of a being a cheater, saying he knew this was going on for a long time. I repeated to him I just met him. I couldn't believe he was approaching me this way, when he had a secret of his own. So I asked him why he was sexting his ex-wife and asking her and another chick to come see him. He of course denied it at first. I reached for his phone to prove it, but when I opened his messages they had been erased. I broke down crying, yelling, "You erased them. Are you telling me I'm crazy? You want me to think I'm going crazy. Why did you erase them?" He hesitated to answer. He admitted to texting but said he never had sex with either woman. I didn't believe him at all. The texts insinuated that he'd had sex with them in our home. He then went on to explain that he only cheated because he knew I was seeing someone. I had to stop him right there because he was making a correlation that was none existant. He began his affairs before I even emailed Bruno. He began to see how much of a fool he was, but wanted to maintain my fault in the situation. I couldn't take it. I went off on him, yelling screaming at the top of my lungs in my defense. He was wrong. He was sexting. I just gave my number out. He didn't care what I was saying, he claimed to want me out. But then he had a change of heart. He hugged me and asked me to stay, saying he didn't want to cheat anymore. I was relieved because I didn't know where I would go.

But today he again changed his mind and asked me to give my ring back and move out. But 5 minutes later he asked me to work it out and gave me a list of things he was going to do different. It's too little too late.

He should have never looked thru my phone. He should not have lied about the affairs. He should have left things alone. I can't believe he had the audacity to accuse me of cheating when he was hiding two women. I can not forgive him for that. I can't forgive him for not trusting me and not talking to me. For accusing me of doing the wrong he had created in his own mind. He'll do it again.

I can't go on wedding planning with all of this in my mind. I will cancel it. That is step one. I will give the ring back, step two. My next step, I am not sure of. I would like to think that we can move on from this, but don't feel it will be the same. I still love him. I still care about him deeply, but I know in the back of his mind he will be wondering if I'm plotting against him.

And then there's Bruno. I talked to him today for quite sometime and he impressed me. He said he would talk to Fiancee if he had to and tell him it was the first time we talked. He said he was sorry for ruining what Fiancee and I have and what we could have possibly had. He encouraged me and gave me advice. I told him I still wanted to talk to him and asked him to go to the party with me Saturday.

I can see myself really falling for Bruno. I don't know the status of his marriage, but if he is looking for a way out, I am looking for a way in. I hope he comes to the party because I think it would be a turning point in our relationship. It would be an opp to really feel each other out. I try not to get my hopes up too much or put too much on him, but I really need him to save me from this dead end relationship with Fiancee. I really need him to just tell me he can see us being together. He did say he was here for me, whatever I needed. That's a good sign that he is started to care for me. Or maybe he's just a really nice guy. Or Hopefully all the twists and turns that have recently occured in my life have led me to Bruno and he will be The One.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Bad Karma

So apparently I did something wrong recently, because all the bad things that I sometimes dread happening to me, happened today.

One of my fears is skidding on black ice. Happened this morning on the way to work. Thank God I didn't hit anything.

Another fear is suffocating/burning to death. I got to work and a fire truck was outside. We were told there was a gas leak and our workroom hadn't been cleared yet. I exclaimed, "I don't want to die!", as I envisioned myself walking in to the back and passing out after breathing the gaseous fumes or as spark from a saw creating a engulfing fireball.

Then I realize at lunch time, I don't have the money I thought I had to get the gas I realized I was in need of in order to get home. I called my fiancee and asked him to put money in my bank account. He refused saying he was upset with me for overdrafting my account again and he didn't have time to stop at the bank on his way to work. I told him I would be fine, even though I knew I wouldn't be. I had to face another huge fear: running out of gas on the freeway. I sat on the side of the highway, while cars zoomed passed, hoping a big 18 wheeler would smack into me hard enough to send me flying all the way home. I pondered my recent decisions in life that possibly created this bad karma. I wondered if I really deserved all of this bad fortune in one day. I thought about the moment I stopped praying to God to get me all the way home on 1/20th of a tank of gas, in oder to flick a lady off for not letting me over as a church van drove by. I laughed then, but I wasn't laughing now. That "Fuck you!" was reflecting back on me now, blindingly. I took my punishment today for what I still haven't figured out. I mean I have an idea, but I am in denial as of right now.

I had to call my fiancee at his job to come put gas in my tank. He didn't want to talk to me, just told me to try to start it once he was done emptying his gas can. My engine reved and roared, "I'm sorry. Thank you!", I looked up at my man's benevolent eyes. He wanted to forgive me, but he had to stand his ground. I understood. Soon I was back home.

I poured a glass of mojito mix vodka and drank half in two gulps. "I'll clean up around here. That will make up for it." I couldn't believe I was feeling so badly, when I should be mad at him for daring to be angry with me, when he's having at least two affairs behind my back. And I'm certain that if either one of them had called for his help he would have found a way to come to their rescue, before they ended up stranded. I think he even helped one get tires and a muffler from his mechanic. I know he did. But still, I'm not supposed to know, so I began clearing out the bathroom, when my phone rang.

It was my job. "why would they be calling me now?" I answered to hear a familiar baritone voice on the other end. It was Bruno. And as I realized who he was, the vodka I'd had 15 minutes early began to sink into my brain. I started to giggle. "I must sound so stupid," I thought. But he didn't seem to mind. I wrote him an email earlier apologizing for not speaking on the way out, for I was in a bummy mood. He accepted my apology and asked if I was feeling better. I told him I was giggling again, and he asked if he could call me later and told me to check my email in the morning. I giggled and said, "okay". Then he texted me from his cell, "You sound so cute on the phone." I sent him like 3 texts back over explaining my drunken state. Don't drunk text!!!

Well things are going well so far. I'm continuing to be patient and trying not to be a flake. It's hard when I haven't really dated in so long. Hopefully I'll have more good updates and less bad luck.

Monday, January 10, 2011

New Thangs!

Well my new guy from work, I decided his nickname should be Bruno, has been emailing back and forth with me. Mostly flirting and small talk, but I gave him my phone number in the last email. Hopefully he'll be texting or calling me by tomorrow. We'll see. I saw him today in the hall as I was leaving and he was clocking in. We just said hi, but he kept walking and so did I. I don't know if it's just me or if there is mutual nervousness about talking for long periods of time. I know he likes me because he's been asking others a about me. He already knew where I lived and I know I didn't tell him. I hope he's not a stalker. I really just wish things could move a little faster. I hate waiting for relationships to develop. I like when things move fast and giving him my number was my attempt to speed it up a bit. I want to invite him to a dance I'm going to on Saturday night. Doubt he'll go, but I want to at least ask, so he'll know I'm interested in hanging out. I predict that we will probably get together before the end of the week but I don't know how. I just wish it would happen already!!!. I have to promise myself though, that I won't put myself out there for this guy. No traveling all over the city to try to meet up with him. He's gonna have to do some moving around too.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

oh well

I have to think of a nickname for the work guy. Not that it matters because he didn't answer my email (prob didn't check), and he signed up to move to pm shift for 3 months. I will never see him. I'll call him Stalker, since he sometimes stares me down. Stalker did stop outside my workroom to wave hello and smile. He looked so cute, like a little kid happy to see me. We had a meeting this afternoon. Afterward we all left and I waited for the elevator to take me back downstairs. The elevator has mirror doors and I noticed Stalker checking me out as he walked by. I don't get him, though. Cause when we got back downstairs in the computer area, he didn't say anything directly to me. He just signed up for the pm shift and said, "well I'm gonna miss you guys." It upsets me that he is doing this, but I understand. We get paid more money working that shift. I am tempted to do the same, but we don't actually have a late pm shift like the other group Stalker works with. So I doubt this will go anywhere, based on what's happened so far. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to reminisce on lovers past.

Monday, January 3, 2011

It will be okay

So I found some text messages on my fiancee's phone. I was't looking for them or snooping around. I don't do that. I trust him. But now I'm learning that I shouldn't have. I picked up his phone to take a picture and I saw text messages from his ex-wife. He's been seeing her and some other chick with the same name as me, spelled differently. I found the other woman's texts when I searched his phone later that night and early this morning. At first I was a little devastated, but now I kinda feel like he's trying to get it all in before we get married in May. I don't understand why he'd want to go back to his ex, but it's fine. I won't trip. Why?

Well this gives me a chance to play around before I make the big plunge. Do I want to cheat on him? No and I haven't since he put a ring on it. I've thought about it and changed my mind several times. But now that I have this info in my arsenal, I'll just blame him if he finds out about it. What?

Well there's a guy at my full time job, that seems to like me. When I first started working there, I would catch him staring at me from across the room, during meetings, breaks, etc. I ignored him. I refused to make consistant eye contact. He would say hi or try to joke around with me and I would keep it short as possible. Why? I don't know. I was nervous. Sometimes guys flirt just to try to get in a girls head. Sometimes, just to be nice. Sometimes because they like them. I was afraid he liked me and maybe I'd like him. We'd have sex and then boom he'd tell me he was married, or that we didn't have enough in common to keep it going, or he'd start ignoring me out of the blue. No matter how many times or ways I played it out in my head, I still saw it ending badly. So it wasn't worth it, to risk what I had. A man that loved me, was faithful, had fogiven me several times in the past for my cheating ways. A man that was taking care of me and was as close to a sugar daddy as I was gonna get. Why give that up for someone who I knew wouldn't want a commitment?

But that's just it. I've since talked to the guy a little more. Flirted back a bit. And found out from a co-worker and a little online investigation that he's married. So I would be the perfect love affair. A woman who's getting married soon and with no plans to leave her man. This way, he can keep his marriage and his kids. No drama.

Now that I have all the info I need for my situation and his, I can move forward. So I emailed him today, because he wasn't at work. I pretended that I didn't go to the bulletin board in the computer room, to see if he was on the schedule for today, and I typed, "I didn't see you today. Were you even there? How was your New Year's?" I know, kinda lame, but I want to convey that I noticed his absence, but not to the point where I was actually looking for him, and that I would like to take our daily greetings a step further.

So we'll see what he says back. If he gives me more info that just "It was good", I'll know he's receptive and I'll continue to pursue his interest further. If he's like "good, yours?" Then I'll just answer great and wait for him to take another step, but I won't press.

I'm kinda anxious!!

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Just found out my fiancee's been talking to his ex-wife. Can I hate my life right now?