So apparently I did something wrong recently, because all the bad things that I sometimes dread happening to me, happened today.
One of my fears is skidding on black ice. Happened this morning on the way to work. Thank God I didn't hit anything.
Another fear is suffocating/burning to death. I got to work and a fire truck was outside. We were told there was a gas leak and our workroom hadn't been cleared yet. I exclaimed, "I don't want to die!", as I envisioned myself walking in to the back and passing out after breathing the gaseous fumes or as spark from a saw creating a engulfing fireball.
Then I realize at lunch time, I don't have the money I thought I had to get the gas I realized I was in need of in order to get home. I called my fiancee and asked him to put money in my bank account. He refused saying he was upset with me for overdrafting my account again and he didn't have time to stop at the bank on his way to work. I told him I would be fine, even though I knew I wouldn't be. I had to face another huge fear: running out of gas on the freeway. I sat on the side of the highway, while cars zoomed passed, hoping a big 18 wheeler would smack into me hard enough to send me flying all the way home. I pondered my recent decisions in life that possibly created this bad karma. I wondered if I really deserved all of this bad fortune in one day. I thought about the moment I stopped praying to God to get me all the way home on 1/20th of a tank of gas, in oder to flick a lady off for not letting me over as a church van drove by. I laughed then, but I wasn't laughing now. That "Fuck you!" was reflecting back on me now, blindingly. I took my punishment today for what I still haven't figured out. I mean I have an idea, but I am in denial as of right now.
I had to call my fiancee at his job to come put gas in my tank. He didn't want to talk to me, just told me to try to start it once he was done emptying his gas can. My engine reved and roared, "I'm sorry. Thank you!", I looked up at my man's benevolent eyes. He wanted to forgive me, but he had to stand his ground. I understood. Soon I was back home.
I poured a glass of mojito mix vodka and drank half in two gulps. "I'll clean up around here. That will make up for it." I couldn't believe I was feeling so badly, when I should be mad at him for daring to be angry with me, when he's having at least two affairs behind my back. And I'm certain that if either one of them had called for his help he would have found a way to come to their rescue, before they ended up stranded. I think he even helped one get tires and a muffler from his mechanic. I know he did. But still, I'm not supposed to know, so I began clearing out the bathroom, when my phone rang.
It was my job. "why would they be calling me now?" I answered to hear a familiar baritone voice on the other end. It was Bruno. And as I realized who he was, the vodka I'd had 15 minutes early began to sink into my brain. I started to giggle. "I must sound so stupid," I thought. But he didn't seem to mind. I wrote him an email earlier apologizing for not speaking on the way out, for I was in a bummy mood. He accepted my apology and asked if I was feeling better. I told him I was giggling again, and he asked if he could call me later and told me to check my email in the morning. I giggled and said, "okay". Then he texted me from his cell, "You sound so cute on the phone." I sent him like 3 texts back over explaining my drunken state. Don't drunk text!!!
Well things are going well so far. I'm continuing to be patient and trying not to be a flake. It's hard when I haven't really dated in so long. Hopefully I'll have more good updates and less bad luck.