Monday, January 3, 2011

It will be okay

So I found some text messages on my fiancee's phone. I was't looking for them or snooping around. I don't do that. I trust him. But now I'm learning that I shouldn't have. I picked up his phone to take a picture and I saw text messages from his ex-wife. He's been seeing her and some other chick with the same name as me, spelled differently. I found the other woman's texts when I searched his phone later that night and early this morning. At first I was a little devastated, but now I kinda feel like he's trying to get it all in before we get married in May. I don't understand why he'd want to go back to his ex, but it's fine. I won't trip. Why?

Well this gives me a chance to play around before I make the big plunge. Do I want to cheat on him? No and I haven't since he put a ring on it. I've thought about it and changed my mind several times. But now that I have this info in my arsenal, I'll just blame him if he finds out about it. What?

Well there's a guy at my full time job, that seems to like me. When I first started working there, I would catch him staring at me from across the room, during meetings, breaks, etc. I ignored him. I refused to make consistant eye contact. He would say hi or try to joke around with me and I would keep it short as possible. Why? I don't know. I was nervous. Sometimes guys flirt just to try to get in a girls head. Sometimes, just to be nice. Sometimes because they like them. I was afraid he liked me and maybe I'd like him. We'd have sex and then boom he'd tell me he was married, or that we didn't have enough in common to keep it going, or he'd start ignoring me out of the blue. No matter how many times or ways I played it out in my head, I still saw it ending badly. So it wasn't worth it, to risk what I had. A man that loved me, was faithful, had fogiven me several times in the past for my cheating ways. A man that was taking care of me and was as close to a sugar daddy as I was gonna get. Why give that up for someone who I knew wouldn't want a commitment?

But that's just it. I've since talked to the guy a little more. Flirted back a bit. And found out from a co-worker and a little online investigation that he's married. So I would be the perfect love affair. A woman who's getting married soon and with no plans to leave her man. This way, he can keep his marriage and his kids. No drama.

Now that I have all the info I need for my situation and his, I can move forward. So I emailed him today, because he wasn't at work. I pretended that I didn't go to the bulletin board in the computer room, to see if he was on the schedule for today, and I typed, "I didn't see you today. Were you even there? How was your New Year's?" I know, kinda lame, but I want to convey that I noticed his absence, but not to the point where I was actually looking for him, and that I would like to take our daily greetings a step further.

So we'll see what he says back. If he gives me more info that just "It was good", I'll know he's receptive and I'll continue to pursue his interest further. If he's like "good, yours?" Then I'll just answer great and wait for him to take another step, but I won't press.

I'm kinda anxious!!

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