Thursday, January 13, 2011

Need Real Love

So After I closed out my blog yesterday, my horrible day turned into and even more dooming night. I had told Bruno not to text me after 1030, but because he got out of work a little after that he decided to text me a couple of times. My phone was downstairs in my purse on silence. My phone vibrates when it's on silence so Fiancee heard and looked thru my phone. He called Bruno to see if he was a man and then came up stairs to confront me.

I was asleep when he asked why Bruno would be calling me. He said why would you be talking to another man behind my back if you love me. I told him that I just met Bruno and gave him my number. Fiancee didn't believe me. He accused me of a being a cheater, saying he knew this was going on for a long time. I repeated to him I just met him. I couldn't believe he was approaching me this way, when he had a secret of his own. So I asked him why he was sexting his ex-wife and asking her and another chick to come see him. He of course denied it at first. I reached for his phone to prove it, but when I opened his messages they had been erased. I broke down crying, yelling, "You erased them. Are you telling me I'm crazy? You want me to think I'm going crazy. Why did you erase them?" He hesitated to answer. He admitted to texting but said he never had sex with either woman. I didn't believe him at all. The texts insinuated that he'd had sex with them in our home. He then went on to explain that he only cheated because he knew I was seeing someone. I had to stop him right there because he was making a correlation that was none existant. He began his affairs before I even emailed Bruno. He began to see how much of a fool he was, but wanted to maintain my fault in the situation. I couldn't take it. I went off on him, yelling screaming at the top of my lungs in my defense. He was wrong. He was sexting. I just gave my number out. He didn't care what I was saying, he claimed to want me out. But then he had a change of heart. He hugged me and asked me to stay, saying he didn't want to cheat anymore. I was relieved because I didn't know where I would go.

But today he again changed his mind and asked me to give my ring back and move out. But 5 minutes later he asked me to work it out and gave me a list of things he was going to do different. It's too little too late.

He should have never looked thru my phone. He should not have lied about the affairs. He should have left things alone. I can't believe he had the audacity to accuse me of cheating when he was hiding two women. I can not forgive him for that. I can't forgive him for not trusting me and not talking to me. For accusing me of doing the wrong he had created in his own mind. He'll do it again.

I can't go on wedding planning with all of this in my mind. I will cancel it. That is step one. I will give the ring back, step two. My next step, I am not sure of. I would like to think that we can move on from this, but don't feel it will be the same. I still love him. I still care about him deeply, but I know in the back of his mind he will be wondering if I'm plotting against him.

And then there's Bruno. I talked to him today for quite sometime and he impressed me. He said he would talk to Fiancee if he had to and tell him it was the first time we talked. He said he was sorry for ruining what Fiancee and I have and what we could have possibly had. He encouraged me and gave me advice. I told him I still wanted to talk to him and asked him to go to the party with me Saturday.

I can see myself really falling for Bruno. I don't know the status of his marriage, but if he is looking for a way out, I am looking for a way in. I hope he comes to the party because I think it would be a turning point in our relationship. It would be an opp to really feel each other out. I try not to get my hopes up too much or put too much on him, but I really need him to save me from this dead end relationship with Fiancee. I really need him to just tell me he can see us being together. He did say he was here for me, whatever I needed. That's a good sign that he is started to care for me. Or maybe he's just a really nice guy. Or Hopefully all the twists and turns that have recently occured in my life have led me to Bruno and he will be The One.

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