Thursday, February 10, 2011

So Confused

So Neptune and I are doing well. I spent last weekend with him and his son. It was like instant family. His son was so cute and he was happy to be around me. I will see them this weekend as well. I've spent eveynight there since Monday. I am really starting to develop feelings for him. I don't want to say I'm falling in love. He is a complicated guy. I think he's a sex addict. I know he is a cheater. He cheated on his ex-fiancee with at least 5 different women. He's a binge drinker. I know I am kidding myself thinking that we can possibly have a long term serious relationship. But I'm thinking I can fall in love with this guy if I just throw caution to the wind and give my heart and trust to him. The positives are that he sees how his sex addiction can affect someone he loves and he is in a Level 1 alcohol class. So he's making changes for the better. He also was reading the bible, which should help as well.

I really don't know how to feel. Tonight and Tomorrow night we are spending apart because he's going out and I'm going out. He is probably gonna have sex with some other chick but whatever, i'm not gonna think about it. He asked if I want to put him on lockdown. I do, but I don't want to jump into a relationship so soon. I don't want to be heart broken again. Maybe I need to grieve the loss off my fiancee.

Sometimes I want to go back to my ex, just so I don't have get used to someone new. But with everything that has happened I just can't go back. I want to be back in my home, but I can't cause he's there.

It just hurts me that he would do such a stupid thing when we are supposed to be getting married. Did he not understand that I am young, beautiful, and intelligent and had no business being with his old ass? Did he know that I loved him and cared for him, though I was not completely sexually attracted to him? Did he know that I didn't really enjoy sex with him.? Did he know his whining and complaining grated my nerves, but I put up with it and eventually just got used to it. I didn't have to be with him. But we built a life together and I wanted to maintain that.

There was nothing I wanted more than to get married and start a family. But you can't trust men. You can't depend on them.

If I don't hear from Neptune before tomorrow night. I think I'll give Bruno a call and make him meet up with me, so we can get this sexual encounter out of the way.

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