Sunday, March 6, 2011

Choosing Love vs Falling in Love

When Skittles and I were talking about being together, he said to me you have to be with someone who wants to be with you. He knew about other men I was talking to. He asked me if any of them wanted me to be their woman. I said no. But why was I wasting my time with the others.

He was right. No use putting yourself out there for someone who only wants you as a cutty buddy or friend. Neptune said we'd be friends for life. Just friends. That's it. I guess I have no choice but to be satisfied with that. His ex wants his loving again. I guess she just uses him for sex, but he obliges. Is he doing the same to me? I'm not sure I have a reason to think otherwise. It's a cruel confusing fucked up world. You feel one thing, but it's not always reality. I guess our perception can deceive us.

Neptune said love is a rare thing to find. It really is. What are the odds of two people feeling the same way, at the same time, wanting the same things, in the same place, for the same reasons, and willing to pursue it all together. So many factors affect it. Is that what I found with my ex? Sometimes I felft like I was just making a choice for love. I could never say that I was in love with him. I wasn't in love. I just loved him and I can love him again, but I don't think I'll ever have that feeling like looking at him and not wanting anyone or anything else. I was satisfied and content. I just assumed I could never fall in love again. I thought I'd missed my chance to have that type of love. I'd just have to settle for what I had. It wasn't so bad.

I know exactly when I made the choice to love him. It was our first Valentine's day. When he first said he loved me. He made my Valentine's so special. So many beautiful gifts and a diamond necklace. No one had ever done that for me before. He loved me and I decided that he was worthy of my love too. It was like being courted and choosing a suitor. Not like falling in love. But meeting Neptune changed everything. It made me believe in my heart again. Even though he doesn't feel the same way I do, at least I know I'm capable of it. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to trust that I can find that rare thing again, like I had with the ex I was with for 4 years, or will I settle for the choice of love.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Passion

So my ex-fiancee is really tripping right now. I am really just going to have to cut him off. He did this type of stuff during our relationship. Today he told me he hated me because I revealed to him that I was living with a man. But right now he's texting that he loves me. When we were together he would mope around for days. I'd ask him what's wrong. He'd put on a big cheshire smile and tell me he was fine. Then suddenly he'd blow up at me about something and try to break up with me. "You don't really want me. I'm tired of being unhappy. Just leave me and let me be happy. I don't need someone like you in my life." This would happen every few weeks. He was insecure. Always felt I was cheating. I wasn't faithful in the beginning stages of our relationship, but after he put that ring on my finger I stayed true to him. And I did everything reasonable to show it. But it wasn't enough for him.

He would act funny everytime I went out with my best girlfriend. When I would come home after dinner with her I would get the "fake" treatment, complete with cheshire smile and high pitched overly enthusiastic tone. "I'm glad you went out with your girlfriend. You need to spend time with your girl." But I could tell he was jealous. I could tell he thought she would turn me away from him. I could almost see the thoughts going thru his head and soon we'd end up arguing about it. He would tell me I acted differently when I went out with her. I would want to know how, but he could never answer. I'd tell him about his actions and of course he'd deny. But I put up with it.

Why did I put up with his whiny voice, and his early morning moaning sessions, his grabby unexperience hands, his awkward tongue kissing, his frequent "fake" treatments, his fits...?

He'd done so much for me. I guess I felt I was being smart. I mean I'd left the man I probably should have married. The guy I was in Holiness with. He's got a great job now, making good money, with a side gig filming a local tv show, vacationing in the Dominican Republic...I was foolish then. But I was gonna be smart with this one. I was gonna go all the way. Cause I didn't want to miss out again. I was afraid I'd miss out again.

Now that we are not together and he's acting like an idiot, I can see more clearly that I wasn't missing out. And that it's okay to move on. I don't have to be scared of the future, because I don't know and can't guess what's in store. I can only trust God and live day to day finding some way to please Him.

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune...I really like him alot. Sometimes I just look at him and think to myself "Why don't we just fall in love?", like that Amerie song. I love the way he looks at me. He says so much to me with his eyes. He's a sweet guy, ambitious, passionate, loving, caring, thoughtful, funny, a good listener, good advice giver. Kissing him, touching him...it all feels so right. I suppose we both are going through alot emotionally with our ex's and other crap happening in our lives, if we tried to make something out of this we'd be cheating ourselves. I guess it's not good to begin a relationship like that. I just hope that when we are ready, the feelings are still there. And I hope they are mutual. AAAAAAAH!

Lucky was out of town this weekend. Good cause I didn't feel like telling him I couldn't see him. Neptunes neighbor asked me out to a basketball game. I ended up saying no, cause it would be unfair to date a man when I have feelings for someone else and no plans of sleeping with the guy.

I just can't sleep with anyone else right now, cause all I think about is Neptune. I feel so bad about Lucky, cause it's like I've used him for sex, but Lucky acts like he doesn't care anyway. It's a fascade, but he insists he's cool with it. Idk, guys are funny. The sex last time was awful. He head butted me in the mouth and then accidently put his dick in my ass. I just wanted to leave after that. The only thing I really like about him is that he tells me I have the most amazing body. Other than that, there's nothing there.

I'm just gonna concentrate on myself and Neptune and if Neptune acts up, I'll just have to suck it up and be lonely girl.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Though Shall Not Want

I was taught when I was little that if you put God first, He will provide everything. It wasn't until I was in Holiness that I truly saw this come to fruition. The Bible says, "seek ye first the kingdom of God..." That's all Holiness was about. But I gave it all up. I gave up on God and in doing so I gave up all that he'd given me. It took me a while to make the connection. After I left NC and moved back home, down-trodden, broken hearted and depressed, I had to learn to trust God and praise him through all of the hurt emotions and broken faith. The pastor at the church I was attending would often preach that we had to lift God up even when we are down and in return he'd bless us. He was right. After searching for a biology related job to no avail and then working at a fast food restaurant full-time, I finally met a part-timer who was working for a great company looking for people with a science background. And although the original position I applied for was not offered to me, the manager forwarded me and my app to another developing team and I soon was working a better job with more pay, hours, and benefits.

Things were turning around and the praising was doing me some good. God also put a man in my life. Not my ideal man, but someone to take care of me, provide for me, and love me like a man should. I grew to love him. I loved him so much that when we were on the verge of an awful break-up due to all the turmoil in our relationship, I reached bag into my Holiness faith and fasted and prayed for us. God turned things around in days. Things were never the same after that. Sure we'd argue here and there, almost break up and then make up again. But I had more patience, he was less insecure and argumentative. Things were good and we were getting married.

But apparently God had other plans. He wanted me else where. But I wasn't ready. I didn't even know what was going on. But He's changed my life in 20 different ways recently. I'm just hanging on for dear life. I'm praising him through the pain. I'm trusting him all the while. And learning not to lean unto my own understanding or put my faith in man. He is showing me again that his Word is true. I once again have no clear vision of my future, but I do see his love, his mercy, his kindness, his faithfulness. I see that He is with me and that everything will be alright. Everything will work out for the good of they that love the Lord. And God is going to renew my strength and my faith.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Hood Rat Stuff

So last night on The Game, Melaney planned a threesome for her husband Derwin. Now Neptune is fixated on this idea of a menage a trois. I'm not a threesome type of chick. The closest I got was giving head to Radio while my cousin made out with him. But I don't mess with girls like that. It's a line I don't really want to cross. Sure I've thought about it. There have been times when I even thought I might go for it, but it just seems so amoral. Sex between a man and woman is intimate and sacred but when you start adding extra people or toys, it makes it...weird. I don't think God is pleased with half the stuff I do, but I think a threesome would really make him angry and I don't need that in my life right now. Not with all the BS going on. Neptune thinks it would be so great, but he would have to catch me on a good night. He found this porn star on craigslist who's in town for the night and he wants to pay $300 to sleep with her. What a joke? He is such a sex addict, it's ridiculous. I can't even be mad at him for all this because I know what kind of person he is. But still I manage to feel sad about it. Stupid emotions!!! LOL!!!

Neptune is starting to remind me of Papi Chulo. All in to me until something better comes along. Wants me close, but keeps me at a distance. Make me feel so alone, when I have him. Papi sent me in a downward spiral, but I'm not going down like that again.

I haven't talked to Lucky at all since Friday night. He's a nice guy but I'm not really into him as much as I'm into Neptune. It's sad, cause Lucky would probably be better for me on a character level. If Lucky did something to surprise me and make me feel special, I could be persuaded to devote myself to him.