Sunday, March 6, 2011

Choosing Love vs Falling in Love

When Skittles and I were talking about being together, he said to me you have to be with someone who wants to be with you. He knew about other men I was talking to. He asked me if any of them wanted me to be their woman. I said no. But why was I wasting my time with the others.

He was right. No use putting yourself out there for someone who only wants you as a cutty buddy or friend. Neptune said we'd be friends for life. Just friends. That's it. I guess I have no choice but to be satisfied with that. His ex wants his loving again. I guess she just uses him for sex, but he obliges. Is he doing the same to me? I'm not sure I have a reason to think otherwise. It's a cruel confusing fucked up world. You feel one thing, but it's not always reality. I guess our perception can deceive us.

Neptune said love is a rare thing to find. It really is. What are the odds of two people feeling the same way, at the same time, wanting the same things, in the same place, for the same reasons, and willing to pursue it all together. So many factors affect it. Is that what I found with my ex? Sometimes I felft like I was just making a choice for love. I could never say that I was in love with him. I wasn't in love. I just loved him and I can love him again, but I don't think I'll ever have that feeling like looking at him and not wanting anyone or anything else. I was satisfied and content. I just assumed I could never fall in love again. I thought I'd missed my chance to have that type of love. I'd just have to settle for what I had. It wasn't so bad.

I know exactly when I made the choice to love him. It was our first Valentine's day. When he first said he loved me. He made my Valentine's so special. So many beautiful gifts and a diamond necklace. No one had ever done that for me before. He loved me and I decided that he was worthy of my love too. It was like being courted and choosing a suitor. Not like falling in love. But meeting Neptune changed everything. It made me believe in my heart again. Even though he doesn't feel the same way I do, at least I know I'm capable of it. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to trust that I can find that rare thing again, like I had with the ex I was with for 4 years, or will I settle for the choice of love.

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