Saturday, March 5, 2011

Passion

So my ex-fiancee is really tripping right now. I am really just going to have to cut him off. He did this type of stuff during our relationship. Today he told me he hated me because I revealed to him that I was living with a man. But right now he's texting that he loves me. When we were together he would mope around for days. I'd ask him what's wrong. He'd put on a big cheshire smile and tell me he was fine. Then suddenly he'd blow up at me about something and try to break up with me. "You don't really want me. I'm tired of being unhappy. Just leave me and let me be happy. I don't need someone like you in my life." This would happen every few weeks. He was insecure. Always felt I was cheating. I wasn't faithful in the beginning stages of our relationship, but after he put that ring on my finger I stayed true to him. And I did everything reasonable to show it. But it wasn't enough for him.

He would act funny everytime I went out with my best girlfriend. When I would come home after dinner with her I would get the "fake" treatment, complete with cheshire smile and high pitched overly enthusiastic tone. "I'm glad you went out with your girlfriend. You need to spend time with your girl." But I could tell he was jealous. I could tell he thought she would turn me away from him. I could almost see the thoughts going thru his head and soon we'd end up arguing about it. He would tell me I acted differently when I went out with her. I would want to know how, but he could never answer. I'd tell him about his actions and of course he'd deny. But I put up with it.

Why did I put up with his whiny voice, and his early morning moaning sessions, his grabby unexperience hands, his awkward tongue kissing, his frequent "fake" treatments, his fits...?

He'd done so much for me. I guess I felt I was being smart. I mean I'd left the man I probably should have married. The guy I was in Holiness with. He's got a great job now, making good money, with a side gig filming a local tv show, vacationing in the Dominican Republic...I was foolish then. But I was gonna be smart with this one. I was gonna go all the way. Cause I didn't want to miss out again. I was afraid I'd miss out again.

Now that we are not together and he's acting like an idiot, I can see more clearly that I wasn't missing out. And that it's okay to move on. I don't have to be scared of the future, because I don't know and can't guess what's in store. I can only trust God and live day to day finding some way to please Him.

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune...I really like him alot. Sometimes I just look at him and think to myself "Why don't we just fall in love?", like that Amerie song. I love the way he looks at me. He says so much to me with his eyes. He's a sweet guy, ambitious, passionate, loving, caring, thoughtful, funny, a good listener, good advice giver. Kissing him, touching him...it all feels so right. I suppose we both are going through alot emotionally with our ex's and other crap happening in our lives, if we tried to make something out of this we'd be cheating ourselves. I guess it's not good to begin a relationship like that. I just hope that when we are ready, the feelings are still there. And I hope they are mutual. AAAAAAAH!

Lucky was out of town this weekend. Good cause I didn't feel like telling him I couldn't see him. Neptunes neighbor asked me out to a basketball game. I ended up saying no, cause it would be unfair to date a man when I have feelings for someone else and no plans of sleeping with the guy.

I just can't sleep with anyone else right now, cause all I think about is Neptune. I feel so bad about Lucky, cause it's like I've used him for sex, but Lucky acts like he doesn't care anyway. It's a fascade, but he insists he's cool with it. Idk, guys are funny. The sex last time was awful. He head butted me in the mouth and then accidently put his dick in my ass. I just wanted to leave after that. The only thing I really like about him is that he tells me I have the most amazing body. Other than that, there's nothing there.

I'm just gonna concentrate on myself and Neptune and if Neptune acts up, I'll just have to suck it up and be lonely girl.

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