I'm sitting here watching Spread. I guess I need to see this movie, but I feel like I'm every woman Ashton Koucher is playing. We trust men, we let them have our hearts, we give them every bit of us, we are their friends and lovers and even though they treat us like shit and we want to leave them, we can't. Something about them. Neptune put me through the same thing. I knew I was setting myself up for failure. I mean he just got out of a relationship, he constantly said he wanted to be friends only, until he got in trouble. Then suddenly he needed me to be his girl. He needed my love and my affection and my money. We were a couple.
Everything I did for him, I did because I loved him. He was my man. And even though I wanted to believe he really wanted me, I knew in the back of my mind that it was all calculated. And now that his trouble is almost over and he's gotten all the money he needs, I'm no longer needed. But the funny part is he thinks I'm still supposed to do all those little things for him because we're friends. But he doesn't know I don't do those things for friends. Wait, he did know, that's why we had to be together right? What he doesn't know is that I move on. I turn off like a switch. I've always been that way and I feel bad about it, but I have to inorder to protect myself and protect my heart. I just have to try not to get myself in trouble this time. I have to avoid going crazy and fucking every guy that wants me, like I did with Papi Chulo.
I've started talking to Skittles again. He would kill me if he knew I started my blog again. When my fiancee and I first broke up I wanted to contact him, but I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. I knew I wanted to see other men and that there was a possibility I would get involved with someone. I didn't want to hook and then throw him back, like I did when I met my fiancee. That wouldn't be fair. So I waited, until I felt the time was right. And it is right now.
Men suck in general, but I at least should be with someone who wants to be with me. Someone who recognizes what a good woman I am or potentially can be with the right man. A man that will take care of me and who has my best interest at heart. Not someone who's selfish.
Ashton's Character also reminds me of this guy I'll call Flight. Me and Flight met in elementary school. He used to pick on me all the time, but in 5th grade he was my boyfriend for like a week. I was obsessed with him. We kept in touch through high school and dated for a month then. But when he graduated a year before me and went into the Navy, I got a boyfriend. He wrote me from boot camp and I basically let him know I was over him. I saw him at a party once in college and then I found his number in the white pages my senior year. He told me he was happily married and I just let him go. I was looking for a way out of the relationship with the Ex I hate
But in 2009 I bumped into Flight at Walmart when I was with my fiancee. I couldn't believe my eyes. The guy I spent almost half my life obsessing over was finally back. We reconnected on facebook and started seeing eachother. He gave me the old "I'm not looking for a girlfriend" line and even though I knew I was setting myself up I kept seeing him and thinking that maybe he'd change his mind. But the truth is he just didn't want me to be his girlfriend. He's had two girlfriends since then. Both white. One fat and the other young and dumb. I'm convinced he uses women and he looks for ones that are insecure or immature, because he can get the most out of them. Maybe he felt bad using me. Maybe he had some kind of respect for me and didn't want to hurt me. That's what I tell myself. At least I finally got to make love to Flight after all those years of dreaming about it.
Well Ashton ends up alone at the end. The girl he finally fell in love with choses another man so she can be financially secure. So now i don't feel so bad about the movie. But it did open my eyes a bit.