I Heart My Sugar Daddy

Men Suck

2011-04-27T19:27:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting here watching Spread. I guess I need to see this movie, but I feel like I'm every woman Ashton Koucher is playing. We trust men, we let them have our hearts, we give them every bit of us, we are their friends and lovers and even though they treat us like shit and we want to leave them, we can't. Something about them. Neptune put me through the same thing. I knew I was setting myself up for failure. I mean he just got out of a relationship, he constantly said he wanted to be friends only, until he got in trouble. Then suddenly he needed me to be his girl. He needed my love and my affection and my money. We were a couple.

Everything I did for him, I did because I loved him. He was my man. And even though I wanted to believe he really wanted me, I knew in the back of my mind that it was all calculated. And now that his trouble is almost over and he's gotten all the money he needs, I'm no longer needed. But the funny part is he thinks I'm still supposed to do all those little things for him because we're friends. But he doesn't know I don't do those things for friends. Wait, he did know, that's why we had to be together right? What he doesn't know is that I move on. I turn off like a switch. I've always been that way and I feel bad about it, but I have to inorder to protect myself and protect my heart. I just have to try not to get myself in trouble this time. I have to avoid going crazy and fucking every guy that wants me, like I did with Papi Chulo.

I've started talking to Skittles again. He would kill me if he knew I started my blog again. When my fiancee and I first broke up I wanted to contact him, but I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. I knew I wanted to see other men and that there was a possibility I would get involved with someone. I didn't want to hook and then throw him back, like I did when I met my fiancee. That wouldn't be fair. So I waited, until I felt the time was right. And it is right now.

Men suck in general, but I at least should be with someone who wants to be with me. Someone who recognizes what a good woman I am or potentially can be with the right man. A man that will take care of me and who has my best interest at heart. Not someone who's selfish.

Ashton's Character also reminds me of this guy I'll call Flight. Me and Flight met in elementary school. He used to pick on me all the time, but in 5th grade he was my boyfriend for like a week. I was obsessed with him. We kept in touch through high school and dated for a month then. But when he graduated a year before me and went into the Navy, I got a boyfriend. He wrote me from boot camp and I basically let him know I was over him. I saw him at a party once in college and then I found his number in the white pages my senior year. He told me he was happily married and I just let him go. I was looking for a way out of the relationship with the Ex I hate

But in 2009 I bumped into Flight at Walmart when I was with my fiancee. I couldn't believe my eyes. The guy I spent almost half my life obsessing over was finally back. We reconnected on facebook and started seeing eachother. He gave me the old "I'm not looking for a girlfriend" line and even though I knew I was setting myself up I kept seeing him and thinking that maybe he'd change his mind. But the truth is he just didn't want me to be his girlfriend. He's had two girlfriends since then. Both white. One fat and the other young and dumb. I'm convinced he uses women and he looks for ones that are insecure or immature, because he can get the most out of them. Maybe he felt bad using me. Maybe he had some kind of respect for me and didn't want to hurt me. That's what I tell myself. At least I finally got to make love to Flight after all those years of dreaming about it.

Well Ashton ends up alone at the end. The girl he finally fell in love with choses another man so she can be financially secure. So now i don't feel so bad about the movie. But it did open my eyes a bit.

Choosing Love vs Falling in Love

2011-03-06T11:13:00.006-05:00

When Skittles and I were talking about being together, he said to me you have to be with someone who wants to be with you. He knew about other men I was talking to. He asked me if any of them wanted me to be their woman. I said no. But why was I wasting my time with the others.

He was right. No use putting yourself out there for someone who only wants you as a cutty buddy or friend. Neptune said we'd be friends for life. Just friends. That's it. I guess I have no choice but to be satisfied with that. His ex wants his loving again. I guess she just uses him for sex, but he obliges. Is he doing the same to me? I'm not sure I have a reason to think otherwise. It's a cruel confusing fucked up world. You feel one thing, but it's not always reality. I guess our perception can deceive us.

Neptune said love is a rare thing to find. It really is. What are the odds of two people feeling the same way, at the same time, wanting the same things, in the same place, for the same reasons, and willing to pursue it all together. So many factors affect it. Is that what I found with my ex? Sometimes I felft like I was just making a choice for love. I could never say that I was in love with him. I wasn't in love. I just loved him and I can love him again, but I don't think I'll ever have that feeling like looking at him and not wanting anyone or anything else. I was satisfied and content. I just assumed I could never fall in love again. I thought I'd missed my chance to have that type of love. I'd just have to settle for what I had. It wasn't so bad.

I know exactly when I made the choice to love him. It was our first Valentine's day. When he first said he loved me. He made my Valentine's so special. So many beautiful gifts and a diamond necklace. No one had ever done that for me before. He loved me and I decided that he was worthy of my love too. It was like being courted and choosing a suitor. Not like falling in love. But meeting Neptune changed everything. It made me believe in my heart again. Even though he doesn't feel the same way I do, at least I know I'm capable of it. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to trust that I can find that rare thing again, like I had with the ex I was with for 4 years, or will I settle for the choice of love.

Passion

2011-03-05T23:52:00.004-05:00

So my ex-fiancee is really tripping right now. I am really just going to have to cut him off. He did this type of stuff during our relationship. Today he told me he hated me because I revealed to him that I was living with a man. But right now he's texting that he loves me. When we were together he would mope around for days. I'd ask him what's wrong. He'd put on a big cheshire smile and tell me he was fine. Then suddenly he'd blow up at me about something and try to break up with me. "You don't really want me. I'm tired of being unhappy. Just leave me and let me be happy. I don't need someone like you in my life." This would happen every few weeks. He was insecure. Always felt I was cheating. I wasn't faithful in the beginning stages of our relationship, but after he put that ring on my finger I stayed true to him. And I did everything reasonable to show it. But it wasn't enough for him.

He would act funny everytime I went out with my best girlfriend. When I would come home after dinner with her I would get the "fake" treatment, complete with cheshire smile and high pitched overly enthusiastic tone. "I'm glad you went out with your girlfriend. You need to spend time with your girl." But I could tell he was jealous. I could tell he thought she would turn me away from him. I could almost see the thoughts going thru his head and soon we'd end up arguing about it. He would tell me I acted differently when I went out with her. I would want to know how, but he could never answer. I'd tell him about his actions and of course he'd deny. But I put up with it.

Why did I put up with his whiny voice, and his early morning moaning sessions, his grabby unexperience hands, his awkward tongue kissing, his frequent "fake" treatments, his fits...?

He'd done so much for me. I guess I felt I was being smart. I mean I'd left the man I probably should have married. The guy I was in Holiness with. He's got a great job now, making good money, with a side gig filming a local tv show, vacationing in the Dominican Republic...I was foolish then. But I was gonna be smart with this one. I was gonna go all the way. Cause I didn't want to miss out again. I was afraid I'd miss out again.

Now that we are not together and he's acting like an idiot, I can see more clearly that I wasn't missing out. And that it's okay to move on. I don't have to be scared of the future, because I don't know and can't guess what's in store. I can only trust God and live day to day finding some way to please Him.

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune...I really like him alot. Sometimes I just look at him and think to myself "Why don't we just fall in love?", like that Amerie song. I love the way he looks at me. He says so much to me with his eyes. He's a sweet guy, ambitious, passionate, loving, caring, thoughtful, funny, a good listener, good advice giver. Kissing him, touching him...it all feels so right. I suppose we both are going through alot emotionally with our ex's and other crap happening in our lives, if we tried to make something out of this we'd be cheating ourselves. I guess it's not good to begin a relationship like that. I just hope that when we are ready, the feelings are still there. And I hope they are mutual. AAAAAAAH!

Lucky was out of town this weekend. Good cause I didn't feel like telling him I couldn't see him. Neptunes neighbor asked me out to a basketball game. I ended up saying no, cause it would be unfair to date a man when I have feelings for someone else and no plans of sleeping with the guy.

I just can't sleep with anyone else right now, cause all I think about is Neptune. I feel so bad about Lucky, cause it's like I've used him for sex, but Lucky acts like he doesn't care anyway. It's a fascade, but he insists he's cool with it. Idk, guys are funny. The sex last time was awful. He head butted me in the mouth and then accidently put his dick in my ass. I just wanted to leave after that. The only thing I really like about him is that he tells me I have the most amazing body. Other than that, there's nothing there.

I'm just gonna concentrate on myself and Neptune and if Neptune acts up, I'll just have to suck it up and be lonely girl.

Though Shall Not Want

2011-03-03T22:35:00.003-05:00

I was taught when I was little that if you put God first, He will provide everything. It wasn't until I was in Holiness that I truly saw this come to fruition. The Bible says, "seek ye first the kingdom of God..." That's all Holiness was about. But I gave it all up. I gave up on God and in doing so I gave up all that he'd given me. It took me a while to make the connection. After I left NC and moved back home, down-trodden, broken hearted and depressed, I had to learn to trust God and praise him through all of the hurt emotions and broken faith. The pastor at the church I was attending would often preach that we had to lift God up even when we are down and in return he'd bless us. He was right. After searching for a biology related job to no avail and then working at a fast food restaurant full-time, I finally met a part-timer who was working for a great company looking for people with a science background. And although the original position I applied for was not offered to me, the manager forwarded me and my app to another developing team and I soon was working a better job with more pay, hours, and benefits.

Things were turning around and the praising was doing me some good. God also put a man in my life. Not my ideal man, but someone to take care of me, provide for me, and love me like a man should. I grew to love him. I loved him so much that when we were on the verge of an awful break-up due to all the turmoil in our relationship, I reached bag into my Holiness faith and fasted and prayed for us. God turned things around in days. Things were never the same after that. Sure we'd argue here and there, almost break up and then make up again. But I had more patience, he was less insecure and argumentative. Things were good and we were getting married.

But apparently God had other plans. He wanted me else where. But I wasn't ready. I didn't even know what was going on. But He's changed my life in 20 different ways recently. I'm just hanging on for dear life. I'm praising him through the pain. I'm trusting him all the while. And learning not to lean unto my own understanding or put my faith in man. He is showing me again that his Word is true. I once again have no clear vision of my future, but I do see his love, his mercy, his kindness, his faithfulness. I see that He is with me and that everything will be alright. Everything will work out for the good of they that love the Lord. And God is going to renew my strength and my faith.

Hood Rat Stuff

2011-03-02T20:49:00.004-05:00

So last night on The Game, Melaney planned a threesome for her husband Derwin. Now Neptune is fixated on this idea of a menage a trois. I'm not a threesome type of chick. The closest I got was giving head to Radio while my cousin made out with him. But I don't mess with girls like that. It's a line I don't really want to cross. Sure I've thought about it. There have been times when I even thought I might go for it, but it just seems so amoral. Sex between a man and woman is intimate and sacred but when you start adding extra people or toys, it makes it...weird. I don't think God is pleased with half the stuff I do, but I think a threesome would really make him angry and I don't need that in my life right now. Not with all the BS going on. Neptune thinks it would be so great, but he would have to catch me on a good night. He found this porn star on craigslist who's in town for the night and he wants to pay $300 to sleep with her. What a joke? He is such a sex addict, it's ridiculous. I can't even be mad at him for all this because I know what kind of person he is. But still I manage to feel sad about it. Stupid emotions!!! LOL!!!

Neptune is starting to remind me of Papi Chulo. All in to me until something better comes along. Wants me close, but keeps me at a distance. Make me feel so alone, when I have him. Papi sent me in a downward spiral, but I'm not going down like that again.

I haven't talked to Lucky at all since Friday night. He's a nice guy but I'm not really into him as much as I'm into Neptune. It's sad, cause Lucky would probably be better for me on a character level. If Lucky did something to surprise me and make me feel special, I could be persuaded to devote myself to him.

Eff a nigga

2011-02-28T17:47:00.003-05:00

So alot has happened. I moved in with Neptune. He is a confusing guy. One minute he's like we're just roommates, the next he wants to fuck me and the next he wants to cuddle and kiss and play house. It makes me mad cause I never know what to expect.

I had to move in with him, because I couldn't find my wallet and the only person who could have moved it was my roommate. I had put it in the center console in a rental car I was driving and when I went to take it out it wasn't there. I asked my roommate if she had taken it. I thought maybe she was hiding it because she didn't want me go to Lucky's house that night. She was really concerned about me sleeping with him. So I thought she was playing a trick to get me to stay home that night. Well when I asked her about it, she became irrate and told me I needed to come up with some moving plans. So I immediately called Neptune and spent the night at his house and then moved my stuff to his place the next day. I just got settled in this past weekend. Rearranging the room and getting sheets for the bed.

He seemed happy to have me here. But he and his fiancee were talking getting back together so continually reminded me that we needed to be professional. Well we were doing pretty well with that until Friday night. He invited me out with a couple of his neighbors. It was fun. One friend bought a bottle of Moet Rose for all of us. It was delicious. But things turned when Neptune couldn't stop drinking. He didn't even have money to buy anything, but somehow when the club was about to close he was able to down a heiniken and shot of henessey. On the way out he started an argument with the bouncers about his shirt he left inside and almost started a fight with a guy who started talking to me outside. When he got his shirt back he hit me with it and then said he hated me. He asked why i was about to sleep with his friends. I said "I'm not your girl" and He said well I want you to be.

He definitely has a binge drinking issue, but I knew what he was saying and doing was all alcohol. Now I could see why his girl left him, besides the cheating. That night he tried to sleep with me. But I refused cause he was being to ruff. I slept next to him and soon fell out, but was rudely awaken by his dick being shoved in my mouth. I pushed him off of me and made him stop and he finally went to sleep. The next morning he was still horny and wanted head. I obliged and soon after he wanted sex. Rough sex. Like slap me talk dirty to me spit in my mouth sex. The kind you only see on pornos. Kinky shit. It was a turn on but I wasn't expecting half the shit he did and asked me to do. But I loved it.

Sunday morning, he was being nicer. We sat in the living room and watched TV. He apologized for how he acted over and over. He exclaimed how it shouldn't have happen and how upset he was with himself. Then he asked if we could have sex again. He jumped in the shower and I after him. When I got out he met me in the hall and kissed me softly on the lips. We moved to his bedroom and he hit it from behind. I looked back at him and he watched my face as I moaned and bit my lip, grabbing the sheets. After that session I had to got meet my ex fiancee. We talked about it. Neptune said I should go back to him. But I told him it wasn't what i wanted. He started talking about his ex, saying she deserved better and he did her so wrong and could understand why she couldn't forgive her. I was proud of him for the revelation.

I met with my ex fiancee at our old house. He had gotten a puppy. It was going to be my valentine's present, but he decided not to give it to me at the last minute. I played with it a bit, then he and I went out to eat. We talked over dinner. I let him know I wasn't ready to come back and that it was a possibility for us to get back together but not a promise. We can still talk and see each other from time to time, but getting back together was a big step. He understood. We went to the pet store to get some things for his puppy, we took her for a walk, and then parted ways.

Neptune called me while I was away. On my way back I called him back. He was at the store. When I got home I told him what happened with my ex and in the middle of my explanation he reaches over and kisses me. I was surprised and the rest of the night we cuddled and slept together. It was really nice.

I don't know where all that came from. It's like suddenly he realized that we should be together. Or he was feeling lonely. Only time will tell.....

Gotta Make a Move

2011-02-20T22:19:00.003-05:00

Neptune and I spent about a week apart starting Valentine's day. That was tough for me. I don't like spending Valentine's alone and I told Neptune this, but he repeatedly proclaimed, "It's just another day." He was still grieving the loss of his ex and he supposedly wanted to be alone. I don't really know what he was doing, but by thursday night he was telling me he missed me.

I had already set up a date for Friday night with someone else I met on the dating site. I'll call him Lucky because he claims to be a good poker player. I asked Lucky if he wanted to go to dinner Friday and he accepted my invititation. But by Friday he was claiming he had to spend time with his son. I suggested we go to a nearby restaurant and he agreed, but then asked me if I wanted to go to a comedy show. So I drove to his house in the hood and waited for him to come out. I had met lucky before when he was in his work clothes. But he looked much better dressed up. My perfect type. Tall, light skinned, average build, straight teeth, nice butt. We walked to the venue because it was 3 sweaty blocks away. I marched like a trooper in 4 inch heeled boots. I was quite misty when we arrived, but dried off pretty quickly. During the show, Lucky couldn't keep his hands off my thighs. His touch felt so good. We held hands much of the time there. It was nice. We walked back to his place. I took off my boots and he held them. It was a nice gesture. Stuff like that makes me feel sexy and desired. I wasn't planning to have sex with Lucky, but he was making it hard. Plus I hadn't had any in a week. So when we got back to his place, we watched TV and maid out during commercials. It was nice, but whenever his show came back on, it was hard to keep his attention.

Lucky is good with his hands though. He knew how to touch me and he went down on me. I would have come if he'd done it a little longer, but I guess he was anxious to get inside me. So we had sex. It was not the greatest. To be sucha good looking guy, his dick game is not on point. His son was sleeping in the other room, so maybe he was not putting his all in. I still like Lucky though. I want to give him a chance. Sometimes it takes a while to get a rhythm going with someone new. Although with Neptune it was good from the start. What I did like about sex with Lucky is that he adored my body. He kept giving me compliments. That made me feel much more comfortable giving my body to him. Neptune isn't like that, but he does tell me I'm sexy. Neptune also hasn't tried to give me any head. However, he loves to be on the receiving end. Lucky told me he doesn't care for fellatio, but loves going down. What the hell kinda guy is he? He's gonna make some innocent girl happy, but I love giving head and I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't want it. It's the only thing I'm confident about in the bedroom.

The next morning Lucky and I had sex twice more before I went home. All I could think about was Neptune. I wanted him. Sex was better with him. I felt more comfortable with him. I felt like I belonged with him.

Soon after I got back, Neptune texted me, saying he needed me. I showered and headed over. He was sick and his son was over. I took care of both of them. We went to the mall and to the playland. We watched movies. It was instant family again. Neptune was feeling bad the whole time though. We didn't have sex, but I gave him some head and a hand job and he came pretty easily. We did reach a milestone this weekend. I talked to him extensively about my ex for the first time. That helped me alot. I needed to tell him how I was feeling about my ex fiancee and all the emotions I was going through with him and my family. I wanted to tell Neptune that I was falling in love with him, but I kept that to myself.

After our weekend together, I went home. Neptune called and thanked me for all i'd done for him and his son. I told him I do it because I care about him. He said it shows. I know Neptune feels the same way about me. I told him about some issues with my roommate and he suggested i move in with him. Take up the other bedroom, jsut no boys allowed. I told him, "and no girls." That would truly work great. I brought it up again later and he smiled about it. I don't know how real he was with the invite to move, but I'll bring it up again because I feel like I live with a second mother right now. Somethings got to give. I don't want to jsut move in with Neptune because of that though. I do really enjoy spending time with him and I want to be around him more and more. I have practically lived there and he likes having me around. I just need to know that it's not for sex, food, or loneliness, but because he really thinks I'm the one for him. Whether it's for the moment or a lifetime. I need to know that he wants me and wants to fall in love with me.

So Confused

2011-02-10T21:25:00.004-05:00

So Neptune and I are doing well. I spent last weekend with him and his son. It was like instant family. His son was so cute and he was happy to be around me. I will see them this weekend as well. I've spent eveynight there since Monday. I am really starting to develop feelings for him. I don't want to say I'm falling in love. He is a complicated guy. I think he's a sex addict. I know he is a cheater. He cheated on his ex-fiancee with at least 5 different women. He's a binge drinker. I know I am kidding myself thinking that we can possibly have a long term serious relationship. But I'm thinking I can fall in love with this guy if I just throw caution to the wind and give my heart and trust to him. The positives are that he sees how his sex addiction can affect someone he loves and he is in a Level 1 alcohol class. So he's making changes for the better. He also was reading the bible, which should help as well.

I really don't know how to feel. Tonight and Tomorrow night we are spending apart because he's going out and I'm going out. He is probably gonna have sex with some other chick but whatever, i'm not gonna think about it. He asked if I want to put him on lockdown. I do, but I don't want to jump into a relationship so soon. I don't want to be heart broken again. Maybe I need to grieve the loss off my fiancee.

Sometimes I want to go back to my ex, just so I don't have get used to someone new. But with everything that has happened I just can't go back. I want to be back in my home, but I can't cause he's there.

It just hurts me that he would do such a stupid thing when we are supposed to be getting married. Did he not understand that I am young, beautiful, and intelligent and had no business being with his old ass? Did he know that I loved him and cared for him, though I was not completely sexually attracted to him? Did he know that I didn't really enjoy sex with him.? Did he know his whining and complaining grated my nerves, but I put up with it and eventually just got used to it. I didn't have to be with him. But we built a life together and I wanted to maintain that.

There was nothing I wanted more than to get married and start a family. But you can't trust men. You can't depend on them.

If I don't hear from Neptune before tomorrow night. I think I'll give Bruno a call and make him meet up with me, so we can get this sexual encounter out of the way.

Something NEW!!

2011-01-28T16:01:00.003-05:00

Well I started a profile on a dating site and so far I've met two guys. One I'll call Neptune because he's got massive chesticals like the mythical deity Neptune and he has a mustache like Pharrell from the Neptunes. He contacted me first and I liked his pictures, so I responded. His approach was sorta aggressive. He wanted to meet as soon as possible. I hadn't had good schlong in a while and something about his pictures made me think he could give it to me. We quickly went from texting to talking to our first meeting at Buffulo Wild Wings. I was so nervous sitting in the booth with my Margarita and sweet tea, waiting for Neptune to show up. What if he didn't like what he saw? He said he was short, what if he was a midget? Most of his picks were chest up, what if he's had gastric bypass and a massive belly. The anticipation was killing me, but still I knew everything would be fine and that I would be pleased literally later that night. He drove by the window in his black magnum looking for a parking space. I got a glimpse of his profile. He was smaller than I thought. Then I saw him again walking toward the door. He was attractive. Nice smile. Small frame. Dressed in a red and white plaid button down, blue jeans, and black boots. I invited him to sit next to me in the booth. We talked for about an hour and by the end of the night we were talking about wine and night caps and he invited me to his apartment. I said yes. Then he got this look in his eyes like "Damn I'ma give it to this chick good."

I followed Neptune to his apartment. It's a modest place. Not much furnishing. I would expect that for a bachelor, but maybe a little more for a 31 year old one. We sat on the couch to watch TV. He pulled up the radio on the computer, playing some slow jams. He started telling me I was sexy and beautiful and then he went in for a kiss. His lips were soft, his kiss reassuring. He asked me to get up so he could show me around. I followed him from his bedroom to the second bedroom where we started to kiss again. He sarted kissing my neck. I was so into it. His tongue felt so good on my neck. His hands caressed and squeezed my ass. It felt so good, so right. My body needed it and he was ready to give it to me. He laid on his back and I kissed and licked his neck, down to his chest and his stomach. He moaned with every stroke of my wet tongue. Then I took off his boxers. His schlong was a nice size. It fit perfectly in my mouth. I could almost put the whole thing in my mouth before it reached the back of my throat. "You swallowed the whold thing baby." I gave him head for about 10 minutes when he opened up a condom and asked me to climb on. I rode his dick up and down and around. He felt so good inside me I could barely contain myself. I wanted to cry it felt so good.

I got on my back and he started fucking me. He had my legs up and down, closed and spread. It was great. He ended off with my ass hanging off the edge of the bed. When he was about to cum he took off the condom and I got down on my knees and he came all over my mouth.

Good Effort

2011-01-22T12:18:00.004-05:00

Well I finally talked to Bruno in person. Twice now. He's a flake. He said he couldn't call/text/email me because he's been so busy with work. But if I call you while you're sitting in the breakroom eating a chicken breast, I would expect you not to be too busy to answer. What a joke. Then I see him another day, headed toward the bathroom. I stop to say hi, he greets me and continues into the restroom. Not wanting to miss the chance to remind him of our planned rendevous, I ask him if we are still planning to "workout". He stares at me for a minute, I guess surprised that I would dare to ask him, looks in the bathroom to see if anyone is around and then says quietly, "I'll call you". Yeah right. He's the worst and I just can't take it.

I should have gone with my original plan, which was to skip him and go with this other guy at work, who has always been much more aggressive with his flirting. I'll call him Yoshi, because he has epicanthal folds like and asian guy. Yoshi is lightskinned, skinny guy at my job who works the pm shift. He is married with two boys, but from the 1st day I met him, he seemed interested in me. I thought he might be a better prospect because he worked a different shift. There is a woman that works with me who knows my fiancee. Althought I ddidn't think she'd tell anyone about Bruno, I didn't want to risk it. However, this woman will be on a leave of absence for several months, so I thought it was a sign that I should go for Bruno. WRONG!!!!

I talked to Yoshi yesterday because I had to stay late. He was trying to invite me to his friends party, but I had to work my part-time that night and he wasn't sure of the name of the club. I think I'll skip the email and just give him my number directly next time we talk. He's cuter than Bruno, more my type that is. I like lightskinned men, which both are, but Yoshi is a little darker and Bruno has some other mix in there. Yoshi is down with the black girls and Bruno just likes any woman. Infact, I think Bruno is just a sex addict. I can't stand him right now. I am never going to call/text/email him again. Maybe I'll say hi at work but that's it. So F him!!!

Always the Same

2011-01-17T15:05:00.004-05:00

So Bruno and I are planning to get together this weekend. He wanted to get us a hotel this past Saturday, but I was going to a party and though I invited him, he didn't want to go. He really messed up with me on that one. I hate when a guy clearly only wants one thing and isn't willing to put for any other effort but to fuck you.

It's bothering me that he texted me everyday last week and now I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I'm not calling him. I'm not emailing him. I'm not texting him. I will say hello at work and that's it. When he finally texts me, probably later this week Wednesday or Thursday. I'll tell him to call me. He'll call and I'll ask what he wants. He'll say he wants to see how I'm doing. I'll be fine and ask him the same. He say he's good and ask if I'm sure everything is okay. I'll say I've been going through somethings with Fiancee and I've just been really down lately. He'll apologize and say he wished he could do something to cheer me up. I'll tell him no not to worry about me. He'll use that opportunity to bring up our "plans" for Saturday. I'll ask what he has planned. He'll say he wants to get a room, probably will want to meet there aroun 8 or 9 pm. I'll ask is that how you normally do things? You don't get drinks or talk.

I mean the least he could do is plan a date that ends at the hotel. I don't really know Bruno, except that he's really cute and wants to fuck me really bad. If he still wants to fuck me, I'm gonna have to ask him to make it special. Sweep me off my feet, wine and dine me, show me something different, share something with me to make me feel like I mean something to you, other than a fuck.

I am planning to leave Fiancee. I am postponing the wedding. He really doesn't want me to leave him. He cried last night when I suggested the idea. I will stay, just so he won't go crazy, but he's gonna drive me crazy the next few days asking me what's wrong and why I won't act like I love him. He doesn't understand what I'm going through. All he cares about is his own insecurity. I have to get out of this relationship. It's just going to take a while.

I want Bruno to be my exscape, but he is starting to lose my interest. Even if he does text or call before I'm expecting I won't answer until Thurs or Fri. I just don't want him to think he's got it in the bag. I don't want him to think it's gonna be that easy. He's gonna have to take me out for drinks or lunch/dinner. Spend some intimate time just talking and getting to know each other. He's gotta start giving me more attention at work. I know he doesn't want everyone knowing what's going on but he can still stop and talk to me. Put an arm around me, grab my hand, something to make me feel special to him. That is what makes a solid connection for me.

There was this guy I met a couple years ago before Fiancee, when I first moved back home. I was at a black party at a local hotel. I was inthe VIP section and I noticed this guy in a black jacket that had this silver sparkly winged design on the back. He was wearing a mail boy type hat and dark shades. Something just was so attractive about him and I had to go talk to him. He was happy to be talking to me. He put his arm around me, we dance a little and then exchanged numbers. He took me out on a date one weekend and the next weekend we met at a hotel. The sex was fantastic. He was hung like a stallion, even flaccid he was huge. I really liked him and I could tell he liked me too, even though our relationship was based mostly on sex, we still had a connection beyond that. I guess because he started out with a date and he always put me up in a nice hotel except for once when I had to pay for it. We stopped seeing each other when Fiancee and I got serious.

I just want Bruno to do the same. Ease into the sex. I've done the whole start out having sex thing, with Glimmer, Papi Chulo, and Pretty Boi. I just don't want to do it like that anymore. I'm older and deserve me. I'll try to convince him to make Saturday night special. Hopefully he hasn't forgotten about me. I need another man to get my mind off him. I'm going to the gym tonight with my girls maybe I'll scope out a guy and attack him...lol. We'll see. Bruno just better pick it up.

Need Real Love

2011-01-13T19:52:00.003-05:00

So After I closed out my blog yesterday, my horrible day turned into and even more dooming night. I had told Bruno not to text me after 1030, but because he got out of work a little after that he decided to text me a couple of times. My phone was downstairs in my purse on silence. My phone vibrates when it's on silence so Fiancee heard and looked thru my phone. He called Bruno to see if he was a man and then came up stairs to confront me.

I was asleep when he asked why Bruno would be calling me. He said why would you be talking to another man behind my back if you love me. I told him that I just met Bruno and gave him my number. Fiancee didn't believe me. He accused me of a being a cheater, saying he knew this was going on for a long time. I repeated to him I just met him. I couldn't believe he was approaching me this way, when he had a secret of his own. So I asked him why he was sexting his ex-wife and asking her and another chick to come see him. He of course denied it at first. I reached for his phone to prove it, but when I opened his messages they had been erased. I broke down crying, yelling, "You erased them. Are you telling me I'm crazy? You want me to think I'm going crazy. Why did you erase them?" He hesitated to answer. He admitted to texting but said he never had sex with either woman. I didn't believe him at all. The texts insinuated that he'd had sex with them in our home. He then went on to explain that he only cheated because he knew I was seeing someone. I had to stop him right there because he was making a correlation that was none existant. He began his affairs before I even emailed Bruno. He began to see how much of a fool he was, but wanted to maintain my fault in the situation. I couldn't take it. I went off on him, yelling screaming at the top of my lungs in my defense. He was wrong. He was sexting. I just gave my number out. He didn't care what I was saying, he claimed to want me out. But then he had a change of heart. He hugged me and asked me to stay, saying he didn't want to cheat anymore. I was relieved because I didn't know where I would go.

But today he again changed his mind and asked me to give my ring back and move out. But 5 minutes later he asked me to work it out and gave me a list of things he was going to do different. It's too little too late.

He should have never looked thru my phone. He should not have lied about the affairs. He should have left things alone. I can't believe he had the audacity to accuse me of cheating when he was hiding two women. I can not forgive him for that. I can't forgive him for not trusting me and not talking to me. For accusing me of doing the wrong he had created in his own mind. He'll do it again.

I can't go on wedding planning with all of this in my mind. I will cancel it. That is step one. I will give the ring back, step two. My next step, I am not sure of. I would like to think that we can move on from this, but don't feel it will be the same. I still love him. I still care about him deeply, but I know in the back of his mind he will be wondering if I'm plotting against him.

And then there's Bruno. I talked to him today for quite sometime and he impressed me. He said he would talk to Fiancee if he had to and tell him it was the first time we talked. He said he was sorry for ruining what Fiancee and I have and what we could have possibly had. He encouraged me and gave me advice. I told him I still wanted to talk to him and asked him to go to the party with me Saturday.

I can see myself really falling for Bruno. I don't know the status of his marriage, but if he is looking for a way out, I am looking for a way in. I hope he comes to the party because I think it would be a turning point in our relationship. It would be an opp to really feel each other out. I try not to get my hopes up too much or put too much on him, but I really need him to save me from this dead end relationship with Fiancee. I really need him to just tell me he can see us being together. He did say he was here for me, whatever I needed. That's a good sign that he is started to care for me. Or maybe he's just a really nice guy. Or Hopefully all the twists and turns that have recently occured in my life have led me to Bruno and he will be The One.

Bad Karma

2011-01-12T18:49:00.004-05:00

So apparently I did something wrong recently, because all the bad things that I sometimes dread happening to me, happened today.

One of my fears is skidding on black ice. Happened this morning on the way to work. Thank God I didn't hit anything.

Another fear is suffocating/burning to death. I got to work and a fire truck was outside. We were told there was a gas leak and our workroom hadn't been cleared yet. I exclaimed, "I don't want to die!", as I envisioned myself walking in to the back and passing out after breathing the gaseous fumes or as spark from a saw creating a engulfing fireball.

Then I realize at lunch time, I don't have the money I thought I had to get the gas I realized I was in need of in order to get home. I called my fiancee and asked him to put money in my bank account. He refused saying he was upset with me for overdrafting my account again and he didn't have time to stop at the bank on his way to work. I told him I would be fine, even though I knew I wouldn't be. I had to face another huge fear: running out of gas on the freeway. I sat on the side of the highway, while cars zoomed passed, hoping a big 18 wheeler would smack into me hard enough to send me flying all the way home. I pondered my recent decisions in life that possibly created this bad karma. I wondered if I really deserved all of this bad fortune in one day. I thought about the moment I stopped praying to God to get me all the way home on 1/20th of a tank of gas, in oder to flick a lady off for not letting me over as a church van drove by. I laughed then, but I wasn't laughing now. That "Fuck you!" was reflecting back on me now, blindingly. I took my punishment today for what I still haven't figured out. I mean I have an idea, but I am in denial as of right now.

I had to call my fiancee at his job to come put gas in my tank. He didn't want to talk to me, just told me to try to start it once he was done emptying his gas can. My engine reved and roared, "I'm sorry. Thank you!", I looked up at my man's benevolent eyes. He wanted to forgive me, but he had to stand his ground. I understood. Soon I was back home.

I poured a glass of mojito mix vodka and drank half in two gulps. "I'll clean up around here. That will make up for it." I couldn't believe I was feeling so badly, when I should be mad at him for daring to be angry with me, when he's having at least two affairs behind my back. And I'm certain that if either one of them had called for his help he would have found a way to come to their rescue, before they ended up stranded. I think he even helped one get tires and a muffler from his mechanic. I know he did. But still, I'm not supposed to know, so I began clearing out the bathroom, when my phone rang.

It was my job. "why would they be calling me now?" I answered to hear a familiar baritone voice on the other end. It was Bruno. And as I realized who he was, the vodka I'd had 15 minutes early began to sink into my brain. I started to giggle. "I must sound so stupid," I thought. But he didn't seem to mind. I wrote him an email earlier apologizing for not speaking on the way out, for I was in a bummy mood. He accepted my apology and asked if I was feeling better. I told him I was giggling again, and he asked if he could call me later and told me to check my email in the morning. I giggled and said, "okay". Then he texted me from his cell, "You sound so cute on the phone." I sent him like 3 texts back over explaining my drunken state. Don't drunk text!!!

Well things are going well so far. I'm continuing to be patient and trying not to be a flake. It's hard when I haven't really dated in so long. Hopefully I'll have more good updates and less bad luck.

New Thangs!

2011-01-10T16:43:00.002-05:00

Well my new guy from work, I decided his nickname should be Bruno, has been emailing back and forth with me. Mostly flirting and small talk, but I gave him my phone number in the last email. Hopefully he'll be texting or calling me by tomorrow. We'll see. I saw him today in the hall as I was leaving and he was clocking in. We just said hi, but he kept walking and so did I. I don't know if it's just me or if there is mutual nervousness about talking for long periods of time. I know he likes me because he's been asking others a about me. He already knew where I lived and I know I didn't tell him. I hope he's not a stalker. I really just wish things could move a little faster. I hate waiting for relationships to develop. I like when things move fast and giving him my number was my attempt to speed it up a bit. I want to invite him to a dance I'm going to on Saturday night. Doubt he'll go, but I want to at least ask, so he'll know I'm interested in hanging out. I predict that we will probably get together before the end of the week but I don't know how. I just wish it would happen already!!!. I have to promise myself though, that I won't put myself out there for this guy. No traveling all over the city to try to meet up with him. He's gonna have to do some moving around too.

oh well

2011-01-04T15:56:00.003-05:00

I have to think of a nickname for the work guy. Not that it matters because he didn't answer my email (prob didn't check), and he signed up to move to pm shift for 3 months. I will never see him. I'll call him Stalker, since he sometimes stares me down. Stalker did stop outside my workroom to wave hello and smile. He looked so cute, like a little kid happy to see me. We had a meeting this afternoon. Afterward we all left and I waited for the elevator to take me back downstairs. The elevator has mirror doors and I noticed Stalker checking me out as he walked by. I don't get him, though. Cause when we got back downstairs in the computer area, he didn't say anything directly to me. He just signed up for the pm shift and said, "well I'm gonna miss you guys." It upsets me that he is doing this, but I understand. We get paid more money working that shift. I am tempted to do the same, but we don't actually have a late pm shift like the other group Stalker works with. So I doubt this will go anywhere, based on what's happened so far. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to reminisce on lovers past.

It will be okay

2011-01-03T17:10:00.004-05:00

So I found some text messages on my fiancee's phone. I was't looking for them or snooping around. I don't do that. I trust him. But now I'm learning that I shouldn't have. I picked up his phone to take a picture and I saw text messages from his ex-wife. He's been seeing her and some other chick with the same name as me, spelled differently. I found the other woman's texts when I searched his phone later that night and early this morning. At first I was a little devastated, but now I kinda feel like he's trying to get it all in before we get married in May. I don't understand why he'd want to go back to his ex, but it's fine. I won't trip. Why?

Well this gives me a chance to play around before I make the big plunge. Do I want to cheat on him? No and I haven't since he put a ring on it. I've thought about it and changed my mind several times. But now that I have this info in my arsenal, I'll just blame him if he finds out about it. What?

Well there's a guy at my full time job, that seems to like me. When I first started working there, I would catch him staring at me from across the room, during meetings, breaks, etc. I ignored him. I refused to make consistant eye contact. He would say hi or try to joke around with me and I would keep it short as possible. Why? I don't know. I was nervous. Sometimes guys flirt just to try to get in a girls head. Sometimes, just to be nice. Sometimes because they like them. I was afraid he liked me and maybe I'd like him. We'd have sex and then boom he'd tell me he was married, or that we didn't have enough in common to keep it going, or he'd start ignoring me out of the blue. No matter how many times or ways I played it out in my head, I still saw it ending badly. So it wasn't worth it, to risk what I had. A man that loved me, was faithful, had fogiven me several times in the past for my cheating ways. A man that was taking care of me and was as close to a sugar daddy as I was gonna get. Why give that up for someone who I knew wouldn't want a commitment?

But that's just it. I've since talked to the guy a little more. Flirted back a bit. And found out from a co-worker and a little online investigation that he's married. So I would be the perfect love affair. A woman who's getting married soon and with no plans to leave her man. This way, he can keep his marriage and his kids. No drama.

Now that I have all the info I need for my situation and his, I can move forward. So I emailed him today, because he wasn't at work. I pretended that I didn't go to the bulletin board in the computer room, to see if he was on the schedule for today, and I typed, "I didn't see you today. Were you even there? How was your New Year's?" I know, kinda lame, but I want to convey that I noticed his absence, but not to the point where I was actually looking for him, and that I would like to take our daily greetings a step further.

So we'll see what he says back. If he gives me more info that just "It was good", I'll know he's receptive and I'll continue to pursue his interest further. If he's like "good, yours?" Then I'll just answer great and wait for him to take another step, but I won't press.

I'm kinda anxious!!

Arrg

2011-01-02T22:09:00.000-05:00

Just found out my fiancee's been talking to his ex-wife. Can I hate my life right now?

I'm Back

2010-12-30T22:43:00.002-05:00

Well alot has changed since '08 and soon it will be 2011. Now that I'm out of school and getting married, I feel like I'm in a much better place mentally and emotional. Updates coming soon!!!

The Side Effects

2008-06-06T17:31:00.004-04:00

Side Effects feat. Young Jeezy - Mariah Carey

Well I've been talking to the new Craiglist guys. The married 41 yo wants to get ice cream this weekend. He's kinda boring and we don't have much in common or much to talk about. I mean we have interesting discussions but they are pretty superficial. He's a handsome guy, but not what I expected. The 22 yo is pretty cool. We have alot in common. I invited him over after a few convos over the phone. He is much fatter in person. Sorry I have to say it that way. I don't know. I thought he would be more fit since he likes to jog and workout. But he's not. I don't mind a little belly, but I like cut arms. His arms are fat. He's still cute though and he drives a BMW. I'm not that into cars but I still think it's cool that he drives an expensive car at 22. He's building his own business with his father and right now is in the funding phase, so he's been meeting with different organizations. His head is definitely in the right place. But he is young and he is scared of bugs. I mean this boy was about to freak out when we walked pass a group of moths flying around the light outside my apartment door. We were headed to the laudromat/bar/billiards. I drove and when he got in my car he was like, "I feel something crawling on my back." And he started swating at his back. I really wanted him to calm down. I don't know about that. I need him to be a little more maucho about insects.

Glimmer and I have been playing phone tag and text messaging each other all week. This morning we finally talked and he said he wanted to see me soon. So I might be going over there or invite him here tonight.

Burbs sent me an email. He was a like I'm sorry I've been so busy with my business but I haven't forgotten about you. Dude it's been like 3 months. I wanted to curse him out, but I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to talk anymore. We'll see what he says to that.

I lied

2008-06-02T14:15:00.005-04:00

Well I was telling the truth at the time, but things change you know. I'm still avoiding relationships, but I didn't stick to my bread and butter men. I picked up a new guy. I couldn't help myself. I've been horny all weekend and I just needed some loving. Of course I could have prayed or fasted or something, but I decided to hit up a dude that tried to holla at me before Skittles.

He's a local guy who works as a welder for a construction company. He is lightskinned, 6ft, medium build, and very very attractive. He looks even better in person than in his pictures. He looks like TI, but with a stronger jaw and taller. He has gorgeous eyes. They are all squinty like TI's and he has this natural glimmer in his eye. So I am gonna call him Glimmer. I know that sounds girly, but his real name is girly, so it works. Anyway, I sent him a message on myspace Saturday, but he didn't answer until Sunday. After a little superficial conversation, we made plans for me to spend the night at his place. Why does he live right down the street from Undercover Brother? And why did he choke me like Undercover Brother? Skittles was into that erotic asphyxiation too. I still don't know if I like it. I mean sure it brings me closer to orgasm but at the same time I'm about to lose consciouness. Who isn't afraid to pass out? Especially during sex with someone new. You might wake up in a rug in a dumpster.

Anywho, Glimmer was coming from his homeboys house, where he was using the computer and I ended up getting to his place before him. He lives with his brother and his brother's girlfriend, so he told me I could go in if I wanted. I was like That's okay I'll wait for you. So we talked on the phone for 10 minutes til he arrived. He was hungry so I hopped in his car. Gosh he was so cute. I was like "You are really cute." "Thanks so are you!", he smiled and his eyes beamed. I smiled back and couldn't stop. Everytime I looked at him he looked at me and I'd get a rush of giddiness. I told him "I smile all the time and now it's gonna be worse cause you are so cute." He was like "Oh that's a good thing."

We ended up going to Cookout. I told him I get heartburn, so I wasn't gonna eat much. He said, "Me too!". Yea, I have a heartburn buddy! Anyway, it took forever to get our food and he was getting pissy, but I tried to distract him with conversation and this ladies red animal print work boots and cut up shorts ensemble. We finally got our food and headed back to his place.

Glimmer's apartment is nice, but you can tell people live there (shoes and clothes in places other than closets). We ate our burgers and drank our Sprites, got ready for bed. He sleeps with a fan just like me. Yea, I have a sleeping fan buddy! We watched some WEC on Versus. I love Mixed Martial Arts. He was happy to watch it with me. I laid my head on his chest and wrapped my arm and leg around him. A commercial came on and he reached in for a kiss. We have the same kissing styles. He stopped at one point and was like "You got some nice tongue tricks." I read alot of Teen and Cosmo articles growing up. You know the "How to drive him wild", "10 things men love you to do" type articles. So I still use that stuff, it works. He started pushing me down. I laughed and asked, "Why are you pushing down here?" He was like, "I wanna see what you know." So I showed him some more tongue tricks and he had some really nice tongue tricks to show me.

Anyway, so Glimmer has a nice thick schlong that slightly curves up. He filled me up nicely. And his stroke was one of the best. He's strong and he was picking me up and flipping me all over the place. We ended up doggy style and when he came he pulled me back off the bed. I thought he was gonna swing me around the room. LOL! But he put me back down. He layed on my back and said "Damn I wish you had hollered at me on myspace way back." Then he started slapping my ass cheeks. I thought that was funny. Not as funny as Curve's King Kong chest beating or Sugar Daddy's nipple ritual. So afterwards he smoked a ciggy and we went to bed. This morning we hugged goodbye and he called me when he got to work. I sent him a text message cause my phone was dead this morning. I suppose we'll do this again another night.

I also decided to cruise the personals on Craigslist for the first time. I was just interested to see what was up there. Some people just want dates to weddings, parties, or movies. Some want sex. Some want relationships. I found one guy. He describes himself as a 41 yo black man and married. He just wants someone to talk to and hang out with. His post was funny so I decided to check him out. I gave him my YIM name so we'll see how this goes and what he really wants. He has a picture that shows the bottom half of his face. He's light skinned with a goatee and full lips. It's cute so hopefully when he fills in the rest, it will line up nicely.

I don't mind dating married men as long as they're honest about it and don't give the false impression that they want a real future with me. Skittles gave me false hopes of living together, getting married, and having kids. Flow gave me false hope. Sugar Daddy was honest but then he tried to act like he was making amends with her cause he couldn't fulfill his part of the arrangement. Curve lied about his girlfriend (now wife) when we first got together in college, but he eventually told the truth and he never led me to believe we would be more than what we were. I was and still am fine with that.

I'd rather be the side chick than the main chick that gets cheated on. Flows wife told me he had always been a cheater, even before they got married, and she regretted marrying him. Curve was gonna stop cheating on his girl once they got married. I remember our last night together, when I was in undergrad. He showed me the ring and told me he wasn't gonna mess around on her anymore. I was sad I was losing him, but then we hooked up again last summer. So I say once a cheater always a cheater and I don't want to end up with a cheater. Somehow it makes sense to me. Cheat with a cheater instead of being cheated on by a cheater. I know in my heart it's not right but it seems like an okay option right now. My brother and sister both had to deal with infidelity in their marriages. So did a cousin of mine. I wonder if anyone is faithful anymore. It makes me not want to attempt to get married.

Anyway I also talked to another guy from Craigslist. He is 4 years younger than me, but he sounded mature in his post. When he emailed me back, his name came up next to his email, so I looked him up on myspace and found him. He's a cutie, professional guy who make over $100,000/year. Yummy. I sent him my picture. He seems to be interested so I gave him my number. We'll see where this goes. I don't think we have much in common. He likes cars and jogging. I could care less about either of those things. But maybe I'll get a free meal or movie out of it. Or someone to hang out with once in a while.

Purrty Boi is supposed to be coming back from NY next week. We are gonna hook up. I can't help it. He is a sexy boi with his accent. He asked me why I never come for him when he's fucking me. How cute. I told him we need to try different positions. Then he asked me if I would have a threesome with him and another girl. I was like no thanks. Skittles asked me that when we were together. I told him I might. I couldn't tell whether he was serious or just testing me. He would say "So are we gonna pick up another woman this weekend." I was like sure. But we never did. Once, he tried to drop some knowledge on me, "When women turn 30 they get really freaky, so if you wanna do that you need to do it now and get it out of your system." Was that supposed to make sense? Honestly, I've been sexually attracted to some women, but I would never do the lesbian thing. Just like I've been attracted to some white guys, but I would never date one. It would just be awkward for me.

Well, I'm excited about Glimmer. I can't wait for Purrty Boi to get back so I can hear his sexy voice. And we'll see what happens with the Craiglist guys.

Well Well

2008-05-30T23:56:00.005-04:00

I decided to invite a few women to my blog. We all have one thing in common. We know Skittles. One was Skittles's newest baby mama. I did some investigating and found her on myspace, after Skittles told me about his twins. But I didn't have any desire to contact her until now. He deleted alot of his friends, but I sent invites to the ones that I thought would be interested anyway. He kept one new friend from Panama City so you know I definitely sent her an invite, just in case he had pegged her as his next victim. I don't know what I thought would happen. I was just hoping I wasn't sending it to all his #1 groupies like I did with Papi.

Skittles called me this evening. I was watching Baby Mama at the theater so I couldn't answer. I decided to take myself out on a date. Of course I picked a movie that had been out for a while, so not too many people would see me looking really lame by myself. Anyway, Skittles left a message saying I was being childish for leaving comments on his slideshow and talking to people. I just laughed. What does he want an apology? I thought about calling him back, but I was like "No I am totally through with him. There is no need and I don't care how he feels right now." So I didn't call him. But I was curious to know what he meant by "talking to people".

Then I get home and check my email and what do you know? I have the following comment on my blog from Skittles's newest baby mama:

First let me start by saying you can NEVER believe everything a man tells you. You may like that person alot, want to grow with that person but never believe that person to the extent of feeling hopeless.

Yes I am pregnant with twins. I did go out the Flordia 3 times to see Skittles as you call him. We had a wonderful time and as we both know the sex is the BOMB...I'm still pregnant because he asked me to keep the babies. He said he would not feel right having his long time LOVE kill his babies. I knew about you and I excepted you because I was not there. He was planning on moving to ATL because I'm moving out there next month. And baby girl he always says FUCK off because he has issues. But, if for 1 minute you think you were the only woman he was FUCKING your wrong, It's you and 2 other woman and the reason for that (per his excuse) is that he didn't want to get attached to any woman because he want to be with me.

I'm not here to throw anything in your face nor am I here to hurt you it's apparent you wanted to know the other side to the story so I'm telling you. 1st let me start by saying NEITHER one of us can be with him fully because he is married. I met XXXXX in high school (18 years ago). we lost contact both got married and moved on. In November last year I found him on Myspace and we started talking, because I thought we were a couple..Ha Ha and our relationship has been off and on, me being in the hospital all the time and him doing his thang..but never did I know he didn't want to be with me nor did I know you were in a relationship..The time you were in ATL with him I was in the hospital getting ready to have my girls early and he never answered the phone(that's my problem). I just want you to know what kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with..

To answer your questions yes there are black XXXXX's and I am pregnant with twins.

Please, listen to me when I say this...YES!! I am hurt and pissed right about now but he is not my world and he can not dictate my feelings about me.. You are a beautiful youg lady and you don't need a MAN to validate who and what you are..Enjoy life to the fullest and be you...

In about 2 hours you can have him and the last thing you have to worry about is me cause he will NOT be in my life of my daughters.

Take care and I wish you the best of luck..

May 30, 2008 7:36 PM

This is a nice close to this chapter. I am definitely not going to be dealing with Skittles again.

All of this has made me reevaluate things. I need to go back to my old picky ways and listen to my gut. No more relationships with men who don't meet the standards. I won't give them a chance to lie to me and get in my heart. I'm just gonna stick to my bread and butter men, Hugz (to fulfill my teen dreams), Jokes (cause I known him forever and he always looks out for me), Das Weiner (cause I really want to go to AZ and he has a massive schlong), and Curve (cause he's my soulmate, I can't get rid of him, and his nosey butt reads my blog).

Hey Curve! Love Ya!

Revenge is a dish best served cold

2008-05-30T02:14:00.004-04:00

I just spent the last few minutes, okay hours, posting mean comments on Skittles's slideshow and guestbook on his myspace page. He erased them and privated his page. Spoil Sport! I am very angry. This is like Flow part III or sugar daddy part IV.

I'm sure he wanted to chill with some other chick(s) and get rid of me. How low can you go? He went to Panama City for Memorial Day. He didn't even call me the whole time he was there. Probably because he was with some chick. He also told me that he spent the night in jail when he came back from ATL, but I bet he spent the night with another woman. Joker! And all these nights when he says he's at the club alone, he is probably taking other women home.

Tell me, why would you say that you really want to be with a person when all you really want is to fuck them. We are all adults. Just say what you really want. We can negotiate. He's fucked up. How can you have a daughter and not even care to meet her until she's 8 and has a new daddy, a real daddy? Well hopefully he has better luck with his alleged twins on the way. I don't even think I believe that anymore.

I've decided I'm gonna fuck Hugz. I've wanted him since college, now my teenage dreams can come true. And I'm gonna enjoy it. It's gonna be like totally wonderful. And I can start shaving again. Skittles liked hair. I prefer none or only a little. LOL!

So Gone Over You

2008-05-29T23:19:00.004-04:00

Well that's the end of Skittles, the lamo limo driver/ex-con/current liar/wanna be rapper from Florida. He broke up with me in such a lame way. Over the YIM. Can you believe? I would give details but there really aren't any to give. I got mad at him for joking around about wanting to kill himself to mock me. And after that we just couldn't get along. Today he was like you don't want to talk to me, then fuck you. And that was it. Well good riddens!!

The Ex I hate wants to have sex with me. I might as well go ahead. I doubt I'll have any better luck with men.

I've been in touch with my most recent ex. He is finishing up his master's in medical physics and he has a big job interview for a hospital in my hometown. I am so stupid for leaving him. I went to visit over Mother's Day weekend, cause I wanted him to see how much weight I lost. He said I looked good. But I doubt he'll take me back. He is probably like thank God I don't have to deal with her crazy ass anymore.

Skittles is a big fat loser. Papi is a loser. Flow is a loser. Oh yeah Skittles said he heard about Flow through some kinda grapevine that I wasn't aware existed. The world is just too small for me. Hugz is a loser. I sent him a text message like "I wish you were mine." He was like "Oh you will find someone better than me someday." Loser! He could at least pretend he is interested in me behind heavy petting on a Sunday night. Arrrrgg!

I just can't seem to get it together. I still want to quit school. I am going to...I don't even know. I thought about trying to get my ex back since he's gonna be working now. But that seems pretty lame. Das Weiner wants me to visit him in AZ. I think I will, now that I am single again and back on the prowl (thanks for the anthem Trina.)

All men please kiss my ass! Thank You!

Patience

2008-05-18T22:26:00.010-04:00

I've been sitting in the same spot in my living room recliner for the past 5 hours. I've gotten up to eat and pee. Why? I've been waiting. I've been waiting for this pain in my chest to go away. I've had it since Saturday night, after Skittles and I went go-kart racing in ATL. We went to KFC. I ordered the hot wings and as I was eating them I could feel the bolus of food slowly working it's way down my esophagus to my stomach. It was an uncomfortable, and somewhat painful feeling, but went away a few hours after I took some Pepto Bismal. Today I've had the same problem and it makes me not want to eat anymore. I'm going to have to go to the doctor about this if it doesn't stop tomorrow. I don't need to lose anymore weight.

I think I stated before that I wanted to get back down to my high school size. Well I am pretty much there. My depression helped. It took my appetite and for a couple of weeks I was only eating once or twice a day. And I wouldn't eat much. I wouldn't recommend that as a diet strategy. I thought once I got on the medication and started eating again I'd gain lots of weight back, but so far I've just kept losing.

My fear is that I've developed some type of stricture in my esophagus. I've had GERD for like 2 years. It started when I contracted a stomach bug druing my pediatrics rotation back in 2006. It was awful. I couldn't keep anything down and I had watery diarrhea. After that I started getting really bad heartburn a couple of times a week. I took over the counter proton pump inhibitors's, but I would always forget to finish the package. So I started taking the PPI/antacid chewable tabs. Those helped, but they are expensive, so I didn't use them consistantly.

Well, here I am, having not properly treated my GERD, now waiting for my chest pain to go away. It might have to stay all night. I want to lay down, but I know that the pain will become nausea. I wish I had some lidocaine and a long sterile tube. LOL!

Skittles and I met in ATL again. We went to an amusment park and did go-karts and bumper cars. Skittles is so impatient and he has a horrible sense of direction. So much so, that I wonder how he has made it this far in life. We were laying in the bed after a love-making session and he goes, "I wonder if they have bumper cars around here." I say, "I don't know. Maybe we can look it up on the internet." He says, "I doubt it." I think to myself, "Hello the internet is the ultimate source of information. Are you crazy?" I just get up and start plugging up my computer. Skittles says, "Well you can probably find it in the phone book faster." I think to myself, "You sound like my dad. So pre-WWW." But I grab the phonebook anyway, while I waited for my computer to start up. One question though, where would you find bumper cars in the phone book. "Would it be under arcade?", Skittles suggests. I look without luck. He gives up and starts up his laptop. I continue to look under recreation and amusement park, but don't find bumper cars. Then I go to the ATL gov site, look under the heading KIDS, then Amusement and find a park with go-karts and bumper cars. Meanwhile, I don't even know what Skittles is doing, probably checking his myspace. I tell him about the place and he looks it up on his laptop, "Let me see. Wow they have a lot of stuff there. It closes at 10. It's almost 8 now, we won't be able to do anything." The place is only about 15 minutes away. I think to myself, "What the hell is wrong with him?" "2 hours is plenty of time.", I plead. "Well let's hurry up and leave."

So we hopped in my car. "Do you know where you are going?", he had the nerve to ask. "Yes, toward Atlanta." "No it's the other way.", he argued. We went back and forth about it and I convinced him, though not totally, that I was right. See the amusement park was south of Atlanta and we were south of the amusement park. So I had to go North. But the exits were labeled differently going north. This confused poor Skittles out of his mind. My solution was to just go north up the highway, get off after a few exits, and then come back south like we are coming from Atlanta. He insisted that I stop at a gas station and get directions. Can you believe no one knew where the place was? It didn't matter because I knew. Skittles just wasn't patient enough to go through the process with me. "Look, I'm just gonna go back down like we're coming from Atlanta, because the directions on the site are from Altanta." He allowed me to go on reluctantly.

So I drove on. We got to the exit and I told him it was 9 miles up the road on the left(just like the site stated). After about 5 miles, Skittles started getting antsy. "I think we are going the wrong way. Let's just turn around." I thought to my self again, "What the hell is wrong with him?" I tried to calm him down, "Babe, we are going the right way. Look there is a sign that says Fayetteville, GA is in this direction. That's where the park is. It's just a few more miles. Have patience." "We been driving for like 30 miles. It'll be closed by the time we get there. We won't be able to do anything. I think you should turn around", he complained. I looked at my clock that read 8:15. Then I looked at him to see if he was serious. He was. "Honey, we'll have enough time. You just wanted to do bumper cars anyway," I reminded him, "That won't take long." "Bumper cars?! I said I wanted to do go-karts!", he snapped. "You said Bumper cars at first!", I snapped back. "Why would I say that? Bumper cars are for kids.", he really wanted me to have that clear. "Okay whatever," I conceded, "You live in your own world."

By the time this little spat was over we got to the park. His mood changed and his eyes were beaming with excitement. We parked, purchased tickets, and got in line for the go-karts. I was first in our line of cars and Skittles was right behind me. When the ride operater removed the cone, I slowly peeled off. I looked back to see Skittles holding up everyone behind him. I guess he was having trouble getting going. I zoomed on. That was my first time doing go-karts. It was so much fun, once I got used to the controls and realized that I wouldn't flip if I went too fast around the corners. I raced around holding on to my lead until a pack of teen boys bumped me out of the way. The operater yelled, "No bumping". I blocked them for a minute, but then slowed down and let them pass. Then I slowed up to wait for skittle. He was second to last in the pack. I laughed at him. Then he passed me and wouldn't let me through. He had the hugest smile on his face and so did I. After the ride was over we complained about the rowdy boys, laughed at how slow he was going, and tried to figure out how they stop all the cars at once. I suggested remote control, but he didn't buy it.

So then Skittles surprises me by saying he wants to ride the bumper cars. I thought that was for kids, but I didn't say anything. Skittles lives in his own world. I'm sure if I mentioned it, he would just say that he never said that. So I was just glad he wanted to do it. We shared the bumper car rink with a little brother and sister and we bumped and spun in circles and just had the best time. I think that was good for Skittles, because he can needs to let off steam as much as possible. After that we played a couple of arcade games, then headed to KFC, where I realized I have esophageal **insert disease phenomenon here**.

Well I finally got registered for the fiction writing class. I'm hoping to improve my writing in general. I switch tenses alot. Sometimes I correct it and sometimes I just don't care. That's the good thing about blogging though. You can write how you want. Most people don't mind. Anyway, I read about William Carlos Williams, who was a poet and doctor. That gave me inspiration. This man had such a passion for writing that he looked at medicine as a way to support himself while he worked at his true craft. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and I try to listen to the signs that the universe gives me. Others don't understand that at all. They see it as coping out or being lazy. Now I understand what that wanna be shaman/prophet at my alma mater was talking about. He was this strange student, much like the one in med school now, who dedicating much of his time to studying God's word and communicating with Him. He sometimes went to a church that I attended off campus and I believe that is how I met him. Anyway, I was going into the cafeteria one day. He was sitting quietly on the ledge right outside the door. I asked him if he was going in. He told me that he was just waiting for God to tell him when it was the right time to go in. I gave him a crazy side-eye, smiled, and left him to his ritual.

But what if we all had that patience. The patience to just wait for the sign, the gift, the man, the baby, the job, the whatever. Instead of rushing out to complete all these goals and trying to plan out a life that we really have no control over, what if we just lived day to day and allowed the universe to guide our decisions and our plans. That's kinda what I did by signing up for this class, and dropping the Spanish, and I am happy with my decisions and the universe's plan.

Radio has started calling me again. We talk about the weather and gas prices, then say good bye. Not much there. I told him about Skittles. He doesn't seem to happy about it. My cousin, that he slept with, is going to be staying with me this summer. She is a journalism major (and complacent career student like me) and has an internship with the local newspaper. I don't know why or how she chose this city. I am assuming because I am here. We get along fine. She doesn't know I talk to Radio. I'd rather it stay that way.

Sorry!. Let's Catch Up!

2008-05-14T09:09:00.011-04:00

Sorry I haven't written an entry in so long. I just didn't feel like writing for a few weeks. Maybe it was the medication. Anyway, I didn't take it this past weekend because I was being lazy and didn't feel like driving all the way to Walmart to take advangtage of the $4 program. Then I went home to be with my mom for Mother's Day. I went to Walmart there, two minutes before the pharmacy closed. They were not accepting anymore prescriptions. I was fine until Monday, when I started feeling really down. Now I'm back on my drugs and hoping it will kick in soon.

Skittles and I are still together although it was sketchy for a moment there. Last month, we were talking on the phone about our lives together. I started thinking about Who's the Boss and how Tony Danza was like a house husband. Then I was trying to remember if XXXXX was his daughter or boss. Then I started wondering to myself if there were any black women named XXXXX (that is how my mind works). So I asked Skittles if he new any black women named XXXXX. He said yeah, then asked why I wanted to know and if I was trying to be a spy. I said no, just wondering about names that white people have, but black people usually don't. He said "Well I know a black XXXXX and a white XXXXX." But I was really suspicious about black XXXXX, since he seemed to be taken aback by my question. I asked how he knew black XXXXX. He said she used to be his friend on myspace and he'd known her since high school. I asked if she had commented on his page within the last six months. He said yeah. I asked if she was in California. He said yeah. I don't know where this info was coming from, but I was rolling with it. Obviously the universe wanted me to know about black Samantha, even though Skittles was being secretive about her. I ended my interrogation and occasionally mentioned black Samantha in later conversations.

Then a couple of weeks ago, Skittles says, "I have to tell you something important. You know XXXXX. Well, she's pregnant. I didn't tell you at first because I wasn't sure she was going to keep it." He went on to tell me that she had come to FL in December twice, they had sex both times, in January she told him she was pregnant, and later found out she was pregnant with twins. She said he was the only man she'd been with. He said she is not the type of woman to lie about things like that. I was stunned. I didn't know what to think. I couldn't believe he'd hidden this from me and I couldn't believe the man I was considering living the rest of my life with was having new babies. I suddenly felt like Britney Spears and Skittles was my K-Fed.

After some discussion, I decided to stay with Skittles. He said he didn't want to be with her, but would consider it, if he was single, for the kids. I didn't want to be selfish, but Skittles is the type of guy that is gonna be with who he wants. I still struggle with it. Even last night we were considering breaking it off, because he says he wants to move near wherever these kids end up, so he can be there for them. He is trying to be a better father to his little girl too. He hasn't been apart of her life, but told his baby mama he wants to meet her. I think it's great that he's stepping up. It makes me love him more. We are going to ride this thing out until the wheels fall off.

Hugz asked to take me out to eat this weekend while I was home, so we could catch up. I honestly thought it was going to be a friendly meal. Hugz never showed real interest in me before. We met at a little italian restaurant. Hugz is a great conversationalist. He never runs out of questions or topics. We have the same sense of humor and he laughed at all my jokes. He kept talking about how cute and intelligent I was. After we ate he asked if I wanted to see a movie. I really wanted to see Forbidden Kingdom and since he was paying, I was like of course. So while we waited for the movie to start we went to the bookstore and looked at various books and magazines. He kept putting his arm around me and sneaking my hand into his. I was getting nervous, because I wasn't expecting him to act like that. During the movie, he reached over, placed his hand on my face, and said "I am having a wonderful time with you." I was like OMG! What is Hugz tryna do to me. Then he asked if he could put his arm around me. I said yes. He pulled me in closer to him and then started rubbing my thigh. I couldn't belive Hugz was all over me like that. All those times in college I wanted to get with him and he was like "you're my little sister." So I was surprised that he was being so forward.

After the movie he said I could come by his townhome later. But I ended up not going. I had plans to go out with Jokes, my old guy friend from high school. He stood me up though. He is back with his ex girlfriend. Booooo! Anyway, I did end up going to Hugz house on Sunday. He was all over me again. Then we started a makeout session with heavy petting. LOL! I kept thinking to myself, this is so strange. I'd always had a crush on this guy. I let go of the dream a while back and now, look at us. He has a nice thick schlong too. I just wanted him inside me. But he was like "Next time!" Whatever! I am never going to his lair again. Although, I would love to have sex with Hugz cause it would fufill a teenage dream, I can't do it. Why? Because he wouldn't consider being in a relationship with me. He told me he's not interested in entering a new relationship because he just got over his ex. This was dissapointing news because after our date the day before I was really thinking he might want to be serious. Why am I the jump-off/rebound girl/side piece always? The one guy that I'd think would respect me and would only come at me like that ifhe wanted to be serious, just wants to feel me up. What the hell? I guess if I respected myself more it wouldn't happen. LOL!

Well I have been feeling like I want to quit school and just get a normal 9-5 job like everyone else. I already have one degree and I am really and truly tired of school. I don't want to spend another day doing this stuff. Now I didn't feel like this until I missed 4 doses of my anti-depressant this weekend, so maybe that's why I feel like this. I had signed up for a spanish course, but they messed up my financial aid and I didn't have money to get the book. I woke up to go to class, but I was running late and wasn't gonna be able to catch the bus. Then I stepped on my glasses and the nose pad popped off. I drove to school, then tried to walk over to the building where my class was, but the short cut was blocked off because of construction. I was already late and if I walked all the way around the street way I would be even later so I went back to my car. And went back home. I tried to find the book I needed at the library, but for some reason it was not on the shelf, so I was pissed. I decided I would sign up for an online course, but you have to pay when you register and I don't know if my financial aid will cover it and since I don't have any yet, it doesn't matter. Today is the last day to register. So I am going to just drop the courses and forget about it. I am going to get a job and continue considering quitting school. I just don't want to do this anymore. And I am okay with that. I will have to move far away from everyone and detach myself from my family of course. They'll wonder what the hell is wrong with me and I will say, "I haven't figured it out yet." Maybe I have a brain tumor or lymphoma. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I probably am a little crazy. I think I might have some telepathic powers. My mom and sister think they do too. We could all be crazy, but really why else would I suddenly think about a black Samantha. And also with Hugz he wanted me to guess his middle name. I went through some silly names like Lucious and Percy. Then I got an image of a young Malcolm Jamal Warner and I was like "Theo? Theodore!" He was like "Yeah!" So weird, right? It just happens like that sometimes. Maybe I'm psychic! LOL!

Skittles in ATL!

2008-04-22T14:07:00.003-04:00

I had a fun weekend! Thursday I talked to Skittles on the IM to see if he was still coming up to see me. He was hesitant because he wasn't sure if he'd have enough money. We went back and forth about it, trying to decide if we could meet in a city between us or reschedule for the future. We couldn't agree on a plan. Then he was like "Do you think we should just be friends? I don't think I can do the long distance thing." This really pissed me off, so I told him to do what he wanted and signed off of the IM. I turned off my phone and avoided contact from everyone until 5:30pm the next day. Skittles had sent a text message, "I'm sorry" and a voice message saying he was just frustrated and missed me. He called me a few minutes later. I answered and we talked it over. He explained he wasn't breaking things off with me he was just asking how I felt. I feel if he was thinking about breaking up, he wanted to do it. But he insisted that's not what he wanted. So I guess to make up for it all, he decided he wanted to meet in Atlanta Saturday. I was excited. I started packing immediately. The next day, Skittles put money in my bank account for gas and I hit the road. I wore a brown striped cream colored strapless dress, something I don't do often, and white flip flops.

Skittles arrived in Atlanta about 30 minutes ahead of me and booked our hotel. I pulled into the parking lot and he was standing outside waiting for me. He was so cute in his black thick rimmed glasses. We exchanged hello's. I was really nervous to see him and didn't know what else to say. I think he felt the same way, because he just grabbed my luggage out of my car and avoided eye contact. We stayed in a cheap motel, but it was clean and had a fridge so I wasn't complaining. He did assure me that we would stay in a better one next time. In the room he tried to figure out how to work the remote controlled air conditioner and I sat in the corner near the window. He couldn't get it working so I told him I was usually good at figuring that kind of stuff out, but I was also unsuccessful. He called the front desk to have someone come up and turn it on. It gave us something to do besides actually talk to each other. But once the problem was solved we had to break the ice. So we hugged and he pushed me onto the bed, got on top of me and we started kissing.

We got hungry and he wanted to find a Thai restaurant he'd been to on a previous trip. We drove around for about 20 minutes looking for this place and ended up going in a complete circle. We decided to eat at a mexican restaurant near the hotel, instead. Afterwards, we stopped at a gas station to ask a random stranger where a flea market and good club were. I've only bought clothes at a flea market once before, in high school when I needed a dress for my pageant. It was a used red column dressed that my aunt turned into a flowy cocktail dress for the opening number. I was happy to see that this flea market had new clothes and Skittles bought me a cute brown, quater sleeved, v-neck dress. We went back to the hotel and had sex again, took naps, and then showers, and got ready for the club.

Skittles looked fly in all black with a black Kango and silver jewelry to accent. We drove to downtown Atlanta to find a club to go to. We drove around for about 30 minutes then finally settled on a spot. Driving around looking for places seemed to be a recurring theme for Skittles, but we are both patient people so we didn't get upset about it. I finally told him we should just go to one place we'd driven by first. It was a nice club with 3 levels. We partied on two of them. Drinks were very expensive. Skittles isn't much of a dancer, but he got hype on songs he liked. After the club we went to Waffle House. I don't really like Waffle House because it was the dirtiest restaurant on a Dateline special, but I've been there before and I like the pecan waffle, so it was okay. Besides I was kinda drunk, so we could have eaten at the Walmart deli and I wouldn't have cared. The place had a jukebox in it, so we tried to select really crazy songs, but the selection was sparce. After Waffle House we went back to the hotel and I was in a really frisky mood, so we had a nice session before bed.

The next day we went to see Street Kings, which turned out to be a really great movie. Afterwards we went looking for the Thai restaurant again. By this time, I felt it was a hopeless cause, but I let him drive around aimlessly anyway. To my surprise, we happened upon it. I was happy for him and the food there was some of the best Thai food I've had. In fact it makes me want to get some from a Thai restaurant downtown here. I'm gonna continue this later, cause I'm really hungry!

Progression

2008-04-15T16:26:00.005-04:00

My mother called on Saturday. She asked if I wanted her and my dad to come visit. I said no, maybe another weekend. Despite my pleadings for them to stay home, they came on Sunday anyway. It's not that I didn't want them to visit. I just didn't want them staring at me and having a prayer circle around me like I'm some misfortunate soul. But it wasn't so bad, I got in a few laughs. Then my mother asked me to call my brother. I haven't talked to him since January, because I don't want him getting on me and I feel bad for not keeping in contact. I told her I would email him, but that wasn't enough for her. She just kept begging me and trying to make me feel guilty about it. Then she said if I didn't want to talk to him about anything, I could just say so. She tried to act like I could do that with anyone in the family. That's not true. I've tried it before, and whatever I don't want to talk about enters the conversation over and over until I give in. She was bringing me down, and when she saw that, she didn't want to leave. I told her she was trying to do too much at once and we need to take it Bird by Bird. I told her the story about the little boy who had to do a project on birds. He waited until the night before to start. He sat at the kitchen table and spread out all the books he had on different types of birds. He looked up at his dad overwhelmed, "How am I going to get through all these books?" His dad told him, "Son, just take it bird by bird." I don't know where that story is from, but my professor told the class this story. My mom understood and dropped it. I slapped a smile on my face and sent my parents on their way. I called Skittles right after they left. Then my mom interrupted the call to ask why I din't look through the blinds when they left. Ugh!

Skittles and I have moved to Video Calls over the net. It's nice to be able to look at each other while we talk. Sunday night, I just wanted to fall asleep staring at him, but we couldn't get any sleep that way. He is coming this Friday, and I can't wait to see him. I've fallen for him big time.

Sugar Daddy texted me today. At first I had no idea who it was. He'd changed his number. He asked how I was doing and said he really missed me. I don't get that? I didn't text back right away. Then I got 2 calls from a restriced number I figured was him. So I texted back that I was fine and that I was involved with someone who cared about me deeply and that I was happy. He texted back: "Congrats let me know if I can do anything to help." I don't need his help.

I've gotten calls from Flip, Flow, and Radio. I didn't answer any of them. I wrote Undercover an email apologizing for igging him. I started to feel bad, since we had sex and all. He hasn't even read it yet.

Understanding

2008-04-12T12:51:00.005-04:00

I had my first session with my psychologist on Thursday. I was nervous sitting in the waiting room waiting for her to surface and call my name. But I picked up a Heart and Soul magazine for which my cousins wife used to be the Editor in Chief. I flipped through the front sections and was surprised to see her picture there. She's back with the magazine! Cool! I wanted to go around the room and say "That's my cousin's wife!", but that would be pretty silly. Coincidentally, the article she wrote was about black women and mental health. Black women don't like to seek help for mental health. How true that is? I think the black community in general is reluctant to see a doctor for any health problem. There's alot of mistrust and institutionalized racism that keeps us from wanting to get involved with the health care system. Our history with the health care is tainted with multiple forms of prejudice and mistreatment(Tuskegee Experiment, Eugenics/Forced Sterilization, targeting us for certain contraceptives (e.g. Norplant)) Even on my OB/GYN rotation at a community hospital that sees mostly poor black and hispanic women, the residents and attendings pushed women to accept "provider-controlled" contraceptives, like the Depo shot. There is benefit to spacing pregnancies, but still it should be the woman's choice. That is what the Pro-Choice movement was originally about, allowing women the choice of not to conceive and birth children for whatever reason. The movement changed though for political and social reasons. It became more about controlling unwanted populations, i.e. poor people and minorities. The movement took off from there.

As for mental health, I think that most of the black community either relies on God, tobacco, illegal drugs, and/or alcohol to take care of our issues. The problem with the last 3 are obvious, but God or faith in him is very helpful. I've relied on Him in the past. I think this time though, I got to a point where I wasn't sure God actually cared and I thought maybe he wanted me to be this way. Who wants to rely on someone that doesn't seem to be there for you? When you get to that point, that's when you know something isn't right and getting professional help would be a good idea. No one understands that. I didn't understand until I went through it. My professor told me Thursday morning that this would make me a better doctor, because I'll be able to relate to my patients. It helps to really understand what someone is going through. We are taught as medical students to empathize, but to sympathize because you've been there creates a much stronger bond.

Anyway, back to the waiting room. My therapist appeared around the corner. I looked up to find an older white woman probably in her late 50s. I was a little dissapointed, hoping to get someone younger. She wasn't even on the same floor as the others. I don't know why this bothered me, but it did. We had to walk down a flight to get to her office. Once there, I told her about why I originally came in and what my problems were past and present. Then she asked about family and friends. I told her how I rarely talk to my brother, I talk to my sister once a month, and my mom calls me once a week. I told her I have a couple of good friends at school that I talk to pretty regularly. Then she asked if I had a boyfriend. Why did she have to ask that? And why did I have to mention Skittles? I should have just kept my mouth shut. I tried to describe him in the best light possible. But descriptors like met on myspace, lives in florida, limo driver, and rapper were red flags to her. She asked if I looked up anything on him. Yes I have and he is a rapper, he has music all over the net. But I'm not gonna pay the 39.95 to find out his address, credit history, job history, and whatever else you can find out from those people search sites. She asked if I knew who he works for, how old he supposedly is, when and where we're planning to meet. Suddenly, I felt like I was talking to my sister and regretted even mentioning him. She ended the interrogation with "Maybe you should think about how much you actually have in common with him." She wasn't gonna understand that meeting people on the net is normal now and although he may not be Dr. so and so, or have a white collar career, I still love him for who he is and what he is to me.

I try not to be classist. As long as a guy can speak intelligently and has some ambitions he's working toward career-wise, I'll talk to him. To get further, we have to have some type of connection whether sexual, intellectual, spiritual, or a combination. And to stay together, we have to fulfill some need in each other's lives. With skittles I have all of that. Even though we haven't met, I feel like we've already made love. It's a strange feeling.

I talked to my sister for the first time since January, the other night. She says my adopted nephew is going to grow up to be a sociopath, my biological niece's therapist refuses to see her anymore, and my adopted niece is completely normal, just boy crazy. I'm concerned about her parenting skills. She herself is a counselor and has taught parents how to deal with their problem children. So of course she feels she knows it all. But if you are concerned your child might grow up to be a sociopath, maybe you need extra help. I think my nephew will grow up to be the type of guy that charms the hell out of people to get his way and if he doesn't he'll blow up. That seems to be his modus now. Honestly I think the kid is a normal boy and my sister and her husband are the wackos. He'd probably be fine in a more nuturing less contricted environment. They have multiple rules, that are kinda pointless. No food upstairs, no snacks after this time, no tv before this time, can't go to friends houses, etc. So many rules to break for a kid who supposedly can't follow rules. And she gets frustrated over it. She has a lock on the fridge now. It's ridiculous to me. I try to give her advice, but I'm the little sister.

My sister asked me if I was talking to anyone new. I said no. As if I would tell her, please! Will she ever understand?

Changes

2008-04-07T12:58:00.011-04:00

So life is changing quite a bit. Therefore, my blog is changing. From now on, I'll probably be talking more about me and my life outside of men I'm dating. After the revelation I had in my last entry, I think it will be good for me to explore myself. MMM? That sounds like a line from the Vagina Monologues.

This past weekend I went to a school friend's house to watch UNC against Kansas. She's a cool friend. We joke about everything. I would never have thought she would be my friend. We had the OB/GYN rotation together and she would say things that got on my nerves. So I didn't think we'd be too cool. But during our Surgery rotation we were the only two 3rd years and the only two in our apartment, so we bonded and became friends. She's a funny gal. It seems she always gets into these predicaments. Once she had a patient that was in bad condition and needed a line placed. None of the residents were jumping to do it and she got worried, so she called the helicopter EMTs. The helicopter team arrived to the room, but were very confused as to why they were called. Basically she over stepped her boundaries and the attending told her to take the rest of the day off. When she told me this story I was thinking why the hell would you call the medevac's to help a patient in the hospital. But I soon learned she was full of these types of stories and she often did off the wall stuff like that. Otherwise she's really smart and dependable on the job. So I'll call her Lucy, after the Lucille Ball character.

The Surgery rotation was full of hilarity. We had one intern who was basically a country bumpkin and a little slow. He was always getting yelled at. Another intern, also a farm boy, was very conceited. I was on call with him once and he gathered up all the female nursing students to watch him put a catheter in a vein in a man's thigh. The vein started bleeding uncontrollable until there was a pool of blood forming on the sterile sheet laying over his legs. A few of the students walked out as the small procedure became a bloody mess of a mishap. His little scheme failed. I just had to shake my head. Lucy and I laughed about it later.

Also during this rotation, I had a crush on one of the attendings. He was a 50 something Persian man, tall, olive skin, dark curly hair, so very attractive. He had an english accent and a breathy deep voice. I've loved english accents ever since Craig David came out with "Fill Me In" in 2000. He could be a bit abrassive though with his comments. He pretty much told Lucy and I we were fat in so few words, otherwise he was really nice and I was always happy to see him. When he would lecture us I would just smile at him as he talked. I couldn't help it. I'm sure he knew how I felt. Once I came to watch one of his surgeries. It was a small procedure and I really couldn't get close enough to see anything, so he told me to go see another surgery. I felt a little rejected, but about 15 minutes later he showed up in this other surgery and I was happy to see him. Even though his presence there had nothing to do with me, I'd like to think he wanted to make up for kicking me out of his operating room!

Updates on men:
Flip: I've been avoiding his phone calls. Sad. I know. But I just can't do it. I can't say it. "I've found someone else." So lame am I.
Undercover: He stopped calling a long time ago. But still, I should have said something. Email is too lame, but maybe I should just do it. What difference does it make? Honestly, who cares? He got what he wanted. But he seemed pretty lonely til I showed up. He even commented that he's just too nice of a guy and that's why he's single. But then again he's not that nice, cause he tried to choke me to death and maybe that's why he's single. Maybe that's what I'll say in the email. "That erotic asphyxiation shit freaks me out, so I found someone else." mmmm...still lame. So...I'll think about it. By the time I decide, maybe he won't care anymore.

Well BeJay are definitely married. I think she has a baby on the way. I don't know. I could be wrong, but their wedding should have been the wedding of the century not some little quiet, secret ceremony in an apartment. Whatev... i'll probably end up doing the same and have everyone mad at me. I don't know. I've always imagined a big wedding, but I don't think I could handle the stress of it all. Everyone will want to have their say, pressuring me to do it this way or that way. I'd almost rather go to the justice of the peace and then go home and start making babies. Then show up to the family reunion pregnant with my husband no one's even heard of, let alone met. How exciting would that be?

My Decisions

2008-04-06T14:46:00.006-04:00

Skittles. Skittles. I love that man and he loves me. It's pretty hot. Things are great.

Das Weiner called me the other day. He's not buying Skittles and I. He says it won't last. Time will tell. He's mad because one week we were planning his trip down here and the next week I was with Skittles. He says I'm like I always was. Maybe so. But is anything wrong with that.

Jokes, my friend from high school who's moving down here, doesn't seem to be happy about Skittles either. He can't stop making jokes about it. He emailed me yesterday: "You're all in love. I guess some people can't stay single." This made me mad cause he already commented about this on the phone, so why does he need to email me about it too. So I got smart with him and he emailed back: "It seems when you're single you can take a joke, but when you in a relationship, you become completely humorless." He's pushing it. He's mad also because before Skittles I told him he could come spend the night with me whenever he wanted. That's how you talk when you're single.

Well, I tend to delve into my past whenever I'm single, to find a guy to pass the time with. MMMMM. That's bad. Why do I do that? Maybe I am the bad person in all this. It's not that I'm not considering being with these people again though. But still. I am beginning to realize the problem with continually going back to these men and where I may be wrong. I won't do it anymore.

I've gotten backlash for my decisions all my life. I should be used to it, but all it does is make me feel incompetent. Whether it's my mother, my sister, or my friends, someone is always displeased with my choices in men, jobs, clothes, religions, everything. I can't live my life the way I want to because everyone is watching and would rather me do it differently. I was talking to a friend from school. She's Christian. I told her about Skittles coming up later this month. She asked, "Do you think he'll try to stay with you?" I was like, "Yeah he's probably going to stay with me." and I smiled. She just gave me this look like, "Okay, that's not what Christian women do." I wanted to be like, "Yeah they do all the time." But anyway, when I was in Holiness and with my most recent ex, she and I had more in common. She probably thinks I've fallen. She asked me if I wanted to go to church with her or another student at school who thinks he's a prophet. I was like no thanks. I think I need a more individuallized type of religion. I've always been more of a loner type anyway.

I don't know. Why can't I just pick what works best for me? People want you to feel like you don't know yourself. Like with this taking meds for depression thing. I'm just not even going to tell anyone in my family about it. I know how they'll react already. I guess I need to be more private with all of my life matters. I'm old enough to do things without checking for my family's approval first. I'd like to include them, but often they just confuse me and convince me to do what they want, rather than what I know I need.

I'll be more like Beyonce. Keep my mouth shut about things that don't pertain to other people. She's married to Jay-Z now. BeJay! I thought I'd get married before Beyonce. Is it just me or was their wedding kinda anti-climactic? Anyway, I am glad they are married now and I can't wait for them to have their first child. They better not wait 6 years for that. They need to bust those babies out quick.

Depression

2008-04-01T17:23:00.006-04:00

I forgot how fun it was to fall in love with someone. I just wish he wasn't so far away. Things are going great with Skittles. We haven't run out of things to talk about yet. I like him more and more everyday. He's come into my life at the perfect time. He's been patient and understanding. He really cares about me, deeply. It's been wonderful. Skittles is coming to see me at the end of the month instead of this weekend. It's a better time for me academically and "femininely".

I told Das Weiner about Skittles. He was not happy. He couldn't even talk to me. He said he'd call me back but never did. I hope he's okay. The simple truth is that Das Weiner could have easily made me his girl if he wanted me to be. He had the opportunity but he missed it again. I feel bad for him. I know how it feels. But I didn't expect to fall in love with Skittles and I'm not gonna sit at home for a guy who's not sure he wants to be with me right now.

I went to see a therapist today about my depression. I start therapy next week. It's been a long time coming if you ask me. I've had problems with depression before. But I would always get over it. This time was alot worse than others. For the first time in my life I seriously considered harming myself. I wanted to get help a few weeks ago, but I didn't go until today. I'm glad to finally get help for it. My niece and my cousin both have mood disorders, so I think it runs in may run in my family. My family tends to deny things, so it's difficult to know if others have had mental problems. I think we always use our faith to get through. My mom has been telling me just pray and God will help you. But what if you don't even feel like praying. And if God is omnicient, he should know how I feel and what I need. He's not oblivious, right. Well I'm not gonna wait to feel like praying. I'm just going to get the help I need.

Somebody call the paramedics, I'm smitten

2008-03-29T15:37:00.007-04:00

Something strange has happened. I didn't see it coming. I feel like Janet Jackson in her new song "Luv". "Somebody call the paramedics, cuase he hit me with his love!" I spent 6 hours talking to Skittles on the phone Thurday night, from 1am to 7am. And we didn't even talk about sex the whole time. I learned alot about him. We have similar pasts. He used to be a devout Muslim. I used to be Holiness. Okay, that's the only thing we have in common actually. But nonetheless, I really like him and he feels the same about me.

How did this happened? It's so strange because I hadn't talked to Skittles in a couple weeks. I thought he'd lost interest because he stopped returning my calls. I emailed him a couple of times and he only wrote back once: "Hey, how r u?" The other day I posted to his guestbook on his myspace page: "You don't miss me yet?! LOL!" He sent me an email and then called me from his new number. He was like "I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore." I think he got involved with someone for a minute and just doesn't want to tell me. Now he's back and he seems to be serious about me. He says he likes my personality. In your face, Purtty Boi!

I feel bad, because Flip and I were getting to know each other too. We were having a nice time, but the sparks weren't there. I could have grown to like him though. He is a wonderful guy and any woman would be lucky to have him. That's the beginning of the speech I'll have to give him. I may not have to. I haven't talked to him since Monday. I had my phone off all day Tuesday. He had called and left a message. I called him Wednesday, but his phone was off. I left a message, but he hasn't called me back. So maybe he's made his decision already. Mmm?

Undercover called me today. I told him I was busy with school work. We'll hang again, but I feel akward about last weekend. If this thing with Skittle jumps off then we won't be doing that anymore.

Purtty Boi is back in NY. He said he'd be back in 3 weeks or so. I emailed him to check in on him. He called me a couple of days before he left and invited me to his house for barbeque and to drop off his DVDs. Then he was like, "If your lucky, you can have one last piece of me before I leave." Lucky Me! I just laughed it off. I was still mad about his commentary on my personlaity last weekend. He said he'd call me back, but he didn't call me for another few hours. I asked him if he was coming to get his DVDs. He was like, "Let me ask my aunt to go" He only has a learner's permit so someone with a license has to drive with him. Then he sat on the phone just talking about nothing. I asked about him future baby mama. He said she'd gotten an ultra-sound that day and she told him the baby looked like a peanut. A peanut? That's the best she could do? The fetus has a face, a heart and appendages and all she could say is it looked like a peanut. I asked when the due date is. He snapped, "7 months from now!" I was thinking I can count. So she's been to the OB and had an ultrasound? She should have an actualy Due Date! Not a guesstimation. Then he said,"Let me call you back." I was like, "Just come on and get your DVDs". "I will but I'ma call you back." He didn't call. He showed up about 15 minutes later. "Hurry up my aunt's in the car! Hey you got company? Why are you dressed up?" First off I wasn't dressed up. I had on a jean skirt, a long sleeved black t-shirt, and a head wrap. Second why does he always have to accuse me of having a dude over. Anyway, I was like, "You looked pretty dressed up." He had on a sweater and khakis. I wonder if thats what he wore, while he was barbequing. We exchanged movies and said goodbye. No kisses, no hugs.

What will I do about Das Weiner? He still wants to come out here at the end of April. I still want him to cause I haven't seen him in so long.

Well, that's all. It looks like Skittles might take me off the market for a minute or maybe longer. It will be a long distance relationship, which I've done before and can handle. He says he's coming to see me next week. We'll see. Hopefully he's not Flow part III, always making promises. I believe he's genuine though. I feel it.

No Air

2008-03-23T16:26:00.019-04:00

Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown - No Air [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO]

Why do people want to suffocate me this week? Physically and emotionally, they seem to want to end my life by leaving me with no air to breath. The following is a list of ways people have tried to kill me softly.

1. Suffocating me with luv
Flip came back in town Thursday night and the first thing he wanted to do was see me. He called and said, "I'll pay for your gas if you come see me." Way to devalue yourself. I was more than happy to go out. I was feeling down and needed some TLC. So I asked for direction and he told me to get on this particular highway, until I reached a certain exit and said to call him when I get there. So I called him to let him know I was on my way, but he wouldn't get off the phone with me. I don't really like to talk while I drive, but I stayed on. I drove out about 20 minutes and I didn't reach the exit. So I asked him if I was still going the right way. He said "Wait let me get a map?" What the crap? What do you need a map for? This is your freaking house and your freaking side of town. How do you not know how to get to your own house? I started calling out exits. "You went to far turn around and get on this other highway.", he corrected his previous directions. I was about to go off, "Wait a minute? You didn't mention that route before. You said get on this highway and that would lead me straight there." "Oh aren't those two highways the same?", he asked. "No, if they were, I would be at your house right now. Wouldn't I?", I tried not to sound like a parent reprimanding her child. "I need to go. I'll call you back when I get on the other route okay?" He let me go finally, but called me back 2 minutes later, "Hey get on this other highway and I'm exit 18. It's only 20 exits." "I passed that highway way back! Let me call you back okay?", I hung up and cursed him out via my windshield. He'd given me 3 different ways to his house. And the last and supposedly correct way was closer to my home than the others. I'd driven out about 15 miles farther than I needed to, because this fool doesn't know how to give directions. I finally arrived at his home, a cute little ranch on a corner in a nice suburban neighborhood. He came outside and got in my truck.

Flip looked even cuter than before, and he has actually surpassed Jay-Z a bit in the looks department. It think it was because his stache was recently lined up. I don't know. We went to Applebee's. It's been my favorite restaurant since I was 14. Actually, I don't like it that much, but on my 14th birthday, the waiter made a rose out of a napkin. From then on, I went there on my B-day every year. Flip made me order steak. I'm not a big steak person, but I obliged him. He let me order him an alcoholic drink even though he doesn't drink often. It hit him after like 3 sips. What a novice! He was like, "It's better drinking with a female." Apparently his guy friends get touchy feelly when they drink. Hmmm? Suspect. Anyway, we had a nice time together, laughing and joking around.

Afterward, we went back to his house and sat in the driveway. He grabbed my hand and started rubbing it. I felt awkward. His hands are rough, but he has a gentle touch. "Your hands are so soft. It's like you never did a days hard work in your life." Well, I didn't grow up with farm animals and I've never done manual labor, so yeah. I gave him a quick hand massage. "Do you think my hands would feel rough on your body?", he asked. Awkward again. Then he started falling asleep. I was also very tired. He didn't want to leave though. I just kept reminding him he was tired and that he needed to get up early. Finally he got out of my car and I gave him a hug. It was such a nice hug. He wasn't trying to love my body down or anything like Hugz. He just held me softly in his arms a little longer than I wanted him to, but it was nice.

2. Blocking off my airway.
Whenever Purtty Boi and I had sex, he would place is upper lip over my nostrils and press his face into mine. I never understood this. I couldn't breath. It's a move wrestlers do with their hands to try to cause their components to get winded quicker and lose energy. I suppose Purtty Boi could benefit in some way from me being winded. I mean, I could pass out and sleep through the rest of the horrible sex we were having. I don't know. Anyway, the last time we had sex, he stopped and said "You don't seem to be enjoying this." What do you say to that? Why even make a comment like that? If you know the other person isn't having fun, then try something different or just stop. I just said, "Really?" I couldn't help but think that maybe if he wasn't such a pretentious little prick I would be enjoying myself more. Then he yelled at me for putting my legs down. Now see that's a definite sign that you should just stop and make way to the nearest exist. But we just kept going. I laid there like a turtle flipped on it's back, legs held in the air, hoping someone will have mercy on me and end my struggle. He covered my nose with his lip and pressed hard. I prayed to pass out.

Well I don't have to worry about him anymore. Purtty Boi is gone. I knew it was coming. He came by yesterday without calling. I was home alone, but I was in the bathroom and practically naked. So I didn't answer. I didn't know who it was. I looked out the window as he was getting into his aunt's car. I threw on a t-shirt and some workout pants and thought about running out to call him back, but I changed my mind and just watched him drive away. You can't just stop by unexpected. I never answer my door when I don't know who's out there. I don't even look out the peep hole because people can always see when you look out the peephole. I tried it once in middle school. It was late in the evening, dark outside and the doorbell of my parents townhome rang. I was the only one downstairs to answer it, but I didn't plan on opening the door. The doorbell rang again and then a knock and then, "Hello!". I tip-toed over to the door and looked out the peephole. "I know someone's in there!" I ran away. That was the last time I looked through a peephole when I wasn't expecting a guest.

3. Drowning me in alcoholAnway, I sent Purtty Boi a message asking him to come back and to call me. While waiting for him to get a clue, I called a guy that I went out with last weekend. His name will be Undercover Brother. I met Undercover Brother on myspace. This is number 4 right? Undercover is a 36 year old medical equipment inspector. He has an engineering degree. He looks like Dave Chapelle except lighter and shorter, but after a few drinks more like Kenny Lattimore. Last weekend I called him for the first time on that Friday night. He asked me what I was doing. I said nothing. He asked why. I said no money. He offered to take me out clubbing and pay for my drinks. So of course, I went with him. I drove to his apartment, we watched a little bit of a movie and then went out. We had the best time. But he's a horn dog though, real talk.

The first club we went to he bought me two shots and a drink of Royal flush. We started dancing. I hadn't even gotten close to him, but when I did he already had a boner. I was like, come on dude, we just got started. We left that club, because there were about 20 people there. The next venue was packed. At this place he bought me a Blue Motorcycle and proclaimed "I don't like to drink alone" as he started his second beer of the night. His two beers to my now 4 drinks? I think I was a head of him a bit. We danced the night away. I was drunk, but he insisted once again that he couldn't drink alone and bought me another Blue Motorcycle. So by the time we left the club, I was hammered. The last time I was that drunk was last summer, when I went to the club for the first time in like 4-5 years. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again. But here I was once again. I was so out of it, I walked barefoot to the parking garage, while Undercover carried my shoes.

On the way to his apartment I was naming all the buildings on the street although I couldn't focus enough to actually see what the establishments really were. I just guessed. Undercover just laughed at me. LOL! I don't know how I got back up to his apartment. But I do remember sitting on his couch and him massaging my feet. Then I started getting the aura I get before a migraine. So I asked for something for a headache and he gave me some Advil. I took that then somehow I ended up on the floor. He picked me up. Then I started naming everything in his house. The vacuum cleaner, the fan, his briefcase. Then I took off my clothes and got in the bed, I think. I honestly don't remember taking them off. Anyway, he kissed me, but then I felt nauseous so he got the trash can to put next to the bed. But there was still trash in it. I was like well if I'm have trouble throwing up, I'm sure the smell of old trash will help relieve me. So he put in a fresh trash bag. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I threw up. Then I read some of a coffee table book about the history of Hip-Hop. Then he took me to breakfast. Then we watched some DVD's and an ACC game and then I went home. He wanted me to come back over that night, but I was like whatev! I was still hungover and the migraine that wanted to develop the night before, finally came. So I talked to him on that Sunday and we made plans to get together this weekend.

4. Suffocating me with insults and lies
Last night I called Undercover while waiting for Purtty Boi to get back to me. He was about to eat dinner and he invited me to eat with him. I packed an overnight bag. I decided at that point that I would spend the night and I might even fuck him. I packed some condoms in my bag just in case. I arrived at Undercover's house and as he was preparing my plate, my phone rang. I wasn't gonna answer at first and I shouldn't have because I knew it was Purtty Boi. But I answered anyway. He was angry with me. "Why didn't you answer your door? I saw you looking out the window when I left." I explained and apologized. "I don't believe you. You had a dude in there with you." Then he hung up. Okay?! I excused myself outside and called Purtty Boi back. I explained again to him what happened. I let him know I had no reason to lie, cause he's not my man. I asked him, "Don't I tell you everything?" "I don't believe anything you say. It goes in one ear and out the other.", he argued. I was so confused.

Then he planted the bomb. "Oh yeah, my ex girlfriend. The one that was down here with me. She is pregnant. I'm gonna be a father." I wanted to say, "Now I don't believe you.", but I just said "Well congratualtions. Is she coming down here or are you moving back there?" "She's coming back with me after I go up there." Every sentence after that began with "Oh Yeah,..." as he went on to reveal all of my personality flaws and explain how, even though he thinks I'm sexy, I have a horrible personality. He gave me advice on life and love claiming, "I'm just trying to help you." I wanted out of this conversation so I started trying to get off the phone. He said, "What's wrong? You sound like you are going to cry." I let him know that I definitely wasn't about to cry and I was dissapointed that he felt this way about me. He proclaimed, "I'm a cold person. I have no feelings." Then he said, "well my girlfriend doesn't like me to talk to other girls, so I guess this is the last time we'll talk." No kidding! He went on, "But I'm not gonna erase you from my friends. You can email me. Just don't leave any comments or I'll have to erase them." Goody Gum Drops! We're still best buds. I said, "Yeah okay."

Then (here comes the crazy part) he says, "I bought some new Dolce & Gabana reading glasses today." WTF?! As if I care!. Then he started talking about this girl he met at GED school. Some little 18 year old. "She's hot. If you saw me with her, you'd be like 'why's he talking to me?' I wondered that myself. These guys came up and asked if that was my girl. I was like no and then she tried to sit in my lap and kiss me." What the hell?! I looked at her myspace. She's cute, as in little girl cute. But that's how he likes 'em. And all she does is show off her array of false eyelashes and nails. Those flunkies can have each other! I interrupted his boastful soliloquoy, "I have to go." He said, "Yeah okay." and hung up. I just wanted to laugh at him. He sounded like Papi. Here was Papi again to haunt me. Different face, different name, same person. But this time I was prepared. I knew this would happen and that's why I never bothered to get attached to Purtty Boi.

I don't believe him. His ex is either not pregnant at all or he's known for a while that she's pregnant. I asked him how far along she was and he was like 2 months! 2 months? That sounds pretty sketchy and arbitrary. I feel like if he really knew, it would be stated more like 8 weeks or 9 weeks or womething more exact. I wished I'd asked the due date. Because if this was real and she'd already been to the doctor, he'd have that info. But whatever, either way he doesn't want me around anymore. Even though he tried to be friendly at the end there, I really am not interested in talking to him anymore.

5. Strangulation
So back to Undercover. I apologized for being rude (one of my personality flaws), like Purtty Boi instructed me to do, crooked toothed imbecile. I ate and then we watched Smoking Aces. After that we went bowling. We played two games and he beat me twice. I'm a horrible bowler, but I did get one strike. So after bowling we made our way back to his apartment. I asked him if he wanted me to stay. Of course he did, so I retrieved my overnight bag from my car. Once inside I got ready for bed. I laid next to Undercover and he spooned me. Then he started kissing my neck alot and he worked his way down and found his pearl and I rejoiced at his discovery. It was great. How long has it been? Several months. It sounds stupid, but I actually thanked God for it. Now God maybe had nothing to do with it, but I still thanked him. We should thank him for all our blessing and Undercover certainly blessed me.

We continued to have sex. While I was riding him, Undercover stuck his thumb in my mouth. Honestly, I didn't really know why he did it. I can only assume now that this was his first attempt to block off my airway. It was kinda weird. So after I came again he flipped me on my back and pushed me to the edge of the bed so that my head was hanging over. This I assume was an attempt once again at somehow making me lose consciousness, since blood was rushing rapidly to my head. After a few minutes in this position he pulled me back, so that my entire skull was on the bed and started pounding away. And when he was climaxing, he wrapped his hand around my neck and started squeezing it. I could feel my eyes starting to bulge. Then I started to feel myself coming again. He squeezed my neck harder. I grabbed his wrist to try to pull his hand away. He didn't let go. Finally when he reached his peak, he let go and collapsed on top of me. How strange? I've heard of erotic asphyxiation, but how dare he assume that I would be into that. mmmm? I'm still absolutely blown away. It was mind boggling and mind blowing sex. Purtty Boi must be into the same thing. I don't know if I'm a fan yet. Undercover Brother is an Undercover Freak.

Now they say when you are about to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. After my near death experience with Undercover, the last year of my life kept me awake another hour. As I laid there in the dark, trying to make out the outlines of the trees through the cracks in the miniblinds, I wondered to my self if I really made the right decision leaving my boyfriend of 4 years. True love is hard to come by. I had someone who loved me despite all my flaws. I grew with him in those 4 years and now it was over. I threw it all away. Why? Up until last night I thought I'd understood the answer to that question. I'd done a pretty good job of explaining to everyone that we grew apart, our lives were leading in different directions, I felt he was too judgmental towards me, and I got tired of waiting for him to decide he wanted to marry me. Yes those reasons were apart of it. But ultimately I let him go because I thought there was something better out there, because I wanted someone different, because I thought that if I wasn't successful on my quest he would take me back easily. I wanted to have sex with Curve and try again with Jokes (ex and high school friend), but I messed up. I fucked up. I have found that there is nothing better than unconditional love and having someone who has your back all the way. There is nothing better than knowing that when you are down, your joy is just a phone call away. There is nothing like having someone think you are beautiful, even when you feel ugly. There is nothing like having someone who knows you better than you know yourself, to get you back on track. Someone who is always there. He was a constant for me. That constant is gone and it's been difficult navigating without him, without what he was to me. I wonder if I was any of those things for him.

Well one day I'll get that back. Not my ex, but everything he was. I just have to believe it. And I'll love him and only him and I'll never let him go.

I'm okay

2008-03-19T19:55:00.002-04:00

Spring Break is over. My laptop is dead. I have lots of work. But I'll be posting a new blog entry this weekend. Thanks for checking in!

Mi Nuh Fraid

2008-03-13T23:41:00.005-04:00

Purtty Boi AIM'd me yesterday. I was surprised. I would have thought he was busy begging his girlfriend to take him back. So he came over. He went straight for my computer. He doesn't even ask. He just goes right over and starts checking his myspace. Then he was like "This is why your computer is so slow. Look at all these pictures." So I'm thinking, "Why the hell do you think it's okay to be all up in my pictures?" Then he made me erase a bunch of them. It was actually good, because I was holding on to pictures I really didn't need. So he helped me. Fine.

So after he finished checking his myspace, snooping around my computer, and yelling at me for keeping old pictures and asking him too many questions, he looked up at me and smiled at me with his crooked boyish grin. So cute. I smiled back at him. Then he was like lets watch a movie. We put one on, but of course we didn't watch. I gave him some vitamin H instead.

Today he changed his profile song to this song called "Replacement Girl" by Drake feat. Trey Songs. That made me happy! Purtty Boi, he gwan luv me! LOL!

I am currently talking to Flip on the phone. He is too country. He sounds like Tyler Perry playing Madea. He just said immurn. He is trying to say immune. I can't take it. This won't work.

National Piss Me the Fuck Off Week!

2008-03-12T14:24:00.005-04:00

So clearly I have mood instability issues. Last week I was depressed. This week I'm angry. Waiting for the week I'll be happy again. A whole week. Not just a few days but a whole week.

So Purtty Boi is trying to get back with his girlfriend. What the fuck? He changed the song on his myspace to this I miss you, I want you back, Please forgive me girl song. He commented on his ex's page "I miss you princess. I love you. blah blah blah, wa wa wa!" She's gonna take him back of course. The only thing that may keep her from taking him back is that he hit her during their fight and when she threatened to call the police, he told her to go ahead because if she did he would beat her ass until they got there. What kinda shit is that? Anyway, she took down the picture of them kissing. I think she suspected something was going on between me and him, because he erased the comment I left on his page. This reminds me of someone???? MMM??? Oh yeah Papi!!! Piss Asses! Purtty's a virgo too and into music and into himself. Papi's thing was "I'm a Legend". Purtty's thing is "I'm rich. My family is rich. I never have to work." Shut the hell up. Are you sharing this money? No? Oh then shut the hell up, cause I could care less. He came to my house on Monday talking all that shit. I was thinking to myself, why the fuck are you even here? Then he started showing me pictures of all his exgirlfriends on myspace. Most of them were 18. He is 23. So I'm wondering when the hell could he have dated all these 18 year olds. He dated one when she was 13 years old. He would have been 18. What the hell? Then he's like, "I could have had a child" Really? "This ex here had a miscarriage." UHMM! I really didn't understand why he was sharing all of this. All his ex girlfriends are these exotic beauties with mixed ethnicities. So I was wondering if he just wants to brag about the beautiful women he's laid, or if he's like my girlfriends look better than you, or if he's like I've had girls just as beautiful as you. I don't know. All I know is that right now I'm kinda disgusted by him, with his fucked up teeth. LOL! First I thought they were cute, but now I'm thinking with all the money in your family, you shoulda been had them fixed!

I knew this would happen. I don't even want him for my man. I don't know why it pisses me off so much. She'll probably move back down here and I'll never hear from him again. I wonder if he wants his DVD's back. He has two of mine. I do want those back. I would kick his skinny little ass but he's a black belt in something, supposedly. So that wouldn't be a good idea. Das Weiner could do it for me!

I think I might be pissed because I hate adding uneccessary men to my list of men I've slept with. I like men to stick around for a little while and have a little meaning in my life. I'm not into "One night stands". I also am disgusted by his total disregard for my feelings. I am a real person ya know. I may have had sex with you without discretion, but I'm not a simple whore.

Other things have happened to make me angry, but I don't talk about personal stuff up here. LOL! personal stuff??!!

Anyway, Flip is really trying hard to get me to be his girlfriend. Everytime we talk it's like "I can't stop thinking about you. Do you feel the same way? Do you see yourself being by girlfriend? I think we could possibly get married oneday?" The weird thing is that I am starting to feel the same way he is. Not totally. I don't think about him constantly, because I have too many other things to think about. But with all the horrible luck I've had with men, it's nice to be with someone who is really actually into me and hasn't even held my hand or kissed me yet. Gosh. He bought me another gift. Isn't that sweet? He's like a sugar daddy, but young. I could be happy with him. He appreciates me for me and sees me the way I wish I could always see myself. Flip just can sound so gay on the phone and he has a cheesy smile. I listened to his music. He raps. And he sounds nothing like himself. It actually kinda turned me own almost. I sang for him, a song I made up to a Papi Chulo beat. He loved it. He's like, yeah we can produce some music together. Yea!!! I actually can't wait for him to get back from his job in Georgia so we can go out again and get to know each other and make music. Yuck, I might really be starting to like him. This is scary. Real feelings might develop. Am I ready for this? Not sure.

L7 vs Hood

2008-03-08T23:01:00.012-05:00

I went on my date with Flip last night at 3:00 am. He picked me up at my apartment. He drives a pick up truck, Country boy. I jumped in his truck, hoping I wouldn't be horrified by what I saw and I wasn't. He actually looks way better in person. He's brown skinned, 6ft, average build. Kinda chubby in the face, epicanthal folds in his eyelids, and an innocent smile, which all softened his look a bit. Jay-Z is still cuter though. LOL! We went to a 24 hr grill place downtown. Before we got out the car, he gave me my gift. It was a little glass sculpture of a hummingbird and flower, like the ones at the convenience store. I guess that's where he got it on his road trip. It's very beautiful. So we had nice convo over 4th meal. That's any meal after dinner. He grew up slopping hogs and tending to the chickens. He likes riding 4 wheelers and fishing. Again, Country boy! After 4th meal, Flip drove me home and we made plans to go fishing today. We didn't hug or kiss or nothing. Nice change of pace.

We never went fishing today though. He said he would call me after 1, but he didn't call until after 6. I called him back around 8. He said he was going to cook some Chicken Pastry. What the hell is that? I'll tell you in a minute. I told him I was "going out" and would call him later. I really don't enjoy talking to him on the phone that much. His country accent is so heavy, I can't understand him most of the time. Sorta like that dude on the adult cartoon "King of the Hill". Also, Flip sounds a little sweet, if you know what I mean. Effeminate. In person, he's all man, and I can understand his speech better. So after I finished "going out" I called him back and I asked if he made his Chicken Pastry and I asked him what it was. He said some people call it "Chicken Pot Pie" Some people? No, that's what everyone calls it. Chicken Pastry? That's something you made up. I just wanted to laugh a him, but I didn't. We talked a little more and then I told him I'd call him back after I got ready for bed. He didn't answer though, probably fell asleep.

Flip is my L7 (square) boy, because he's so country and a big softy. Even though he looks all hard on his pictures and he's got lots of hustles, he's a good guy. We will never have sex. I can just tell. We probably won't kiss. He doesn't look like much of a kisser, anyway. But they say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. You definitely can't judge by a myspace page.

I ended up "going out" with the other new guy I met on myspace today. He turned out to be really cool. He's fine! Straight Pretty Boy! Sexy Trinidadian Accent. I have to give him a nickname. Purtty Boi!

Around 1:30 pm, Purtty Boi called me on his way to the DMV near my apartment, to let me know he was coming out my way and wanted to see me. I started getting ready. He called me again and said to meet him at the bar in the laundromat next to the DMV. He'd be wearing a red sweat shirt. I'd passed that laundromat several times and had no idea there was a bar inside. How odd. So I get there and I see this cute skinny lightskinned guy, with a slicked down ceasar, looking really fly in his fresh white Nikes. And I thought to myself "This ain't gonna work. He's such a pretty boy and pretty boys don't really go for me much." He was playing pool with some Korean guys. He smiled and gave me a hug and checked me out. I couldn't tell yet if he liked what he saw. I could tell he had some really crooked teeth. But they were crooked in a cute way. I know that sounds silly, but sometimes cute guys have crooked teeth that just give their face more character, rather than distract from their cuteness. Like Chris Brown for instance. His teeth are clearly crooked and he has a lisp, but it all works together to enhance his cuteness. I don't know.

So he asked me if I wanted anything and bought me a Corona (the only beer I can tolerate the taste of). I watched him play a couple of rounds of pool. In between shots he talked to me, while puffing on his cigarettes. Yeah, he smokes. I'm not too into that. Flow smokes, but at least this guy is young and kinda just starting out. So it's not so bad. He'll stop if he hangs with me. Or I'll get lung cancer.

Anyway, We had pretty good convo. He let me play with his sidekick phone. Then he invited me to his house to meet his Aunt, who he lives with, and her boyfriend. So by then I was thinking maybe he actually likes me. We went to their home and ate lunch/dinner. His aunt speaks spanish and english and she is very cool. He said she'll get me drunk one day. Interesting. Then we went to his room and that's where things got really interesting.

We were watching the horror movie "Pulse" and then he started kissing me on the cheek and trying to tickle me and silly stuff like that. I was like "okay??? I like just met you yo", in my head. Then he was like "Want to know a secret?" I was like yeah. "Guess what it is.", he grinned. I guessed a bunch of crazy stuff, like you are going to kill me, you have an extra toe. He said, "No it's something I like about you." I guessed a few things, which were all correct, but wasn't what he was looking for. He finally pointed to my lips. I was like, "Oh you want to kiss me?" He was like yeah. I said "I know". So I let him kiss me. And I let him kiss me again and again and again. And he was like "Oh let me find out you can kiss."

So we continued to watch the rest of the movie. After it ended, Purtty Boi turned on some Reggae music. Then he asked me if I was shy. I said yeah. "So I have to be the aggressor?" he asked. I said "Usually." He was like I can handle that. And he certainly did. We kissed some more and he started grinding on me. Then I started imagining how good his sex would be and I got really lost in my head and I was like, "Woah" and I pushed him away a bit, cause I was getting too turned on. He said "What? Am I turning you on?" I confirmed his assumption. "Well if I'm turning you on that means you're turning me on so that's a good thing. Don't worry about it." I wasn't sure I wanted to go there yet. But we kept going! The clothes started coming off and the hands started touching naked body parts. Purtty Boi's good with his hands. I love it when a guy knows what to do with his hands down there. So we kept going. He asked me to go down on him. Something I really can't resist and he asked so politely. LOL! Yeah I'm so into that. I love it. I hate to admit it, but I love fellatio. It's like my favorite thing to do sexually. Does that make me crazy?

So we kept going and the next thing I knew, we were doing it in his bed to some Reaggaeton. He was on top the whole time. He came. Then we went back to my apartment and had sex to the movie "Friday". This time we started out doggy style. He wanted me to come. But I didn't, that's like a difficult thing most of the time. That's my favorite position and I usually achieve climax in that position if it's gonna happen. Then he went back on top again, but we didn't finish. He went soft on me. MMMM? I hate when that happens. I don't know why it happened. And I think he was embarassed, but I was more embarassed cause of course I feel like it was my fault. And maybe it was. I'm not sure I'll ever know.

At any rate, he has a nice size penis. Bigger than what I believe to be average. He's in between Flow and Radio with his. But he curves like Das Weiner. The sex? Regular. Not what I was imagining when he was pushing up on me earlier. Maybe I should teach him how to make love to me, but I've never had to do that before. I'm trying to think of ways. I mean I think about how Curve does it. He likes to stay on his knees. Flow likes to be sideways. Papi liked it best when I was sideways. I probably should have been more aggressive and just gotten on top. Honestly, I hate being on top. I'm too self-conscious for that. I want it to look good, so that's what I think about, rather that if it feels good. But most men love it. So it's something I try to get over and just do. I think that was Papi's fustration with me. So maybe Purtty Boi and I can teach each other a few things.

So Purtty Boi is my hood boi cause he's from NY. He lived in the hood, Brooklyn and Queens, sold coke, threw parties, made money, and spent money. He's a name brand junkie. He makes raggae beats and is a good chatter, genious chatter off the top of his head. On the way back to his house, he said we could make music together and see if we can get studio time or something. I was suprised he actually still wanted to chill with me after the failed second attempt at sex. Good though! I'm kinda excited, but we'll see what happens. He just broke up with his girlfriend and she even called him while were together. She called from one of his friend's phones. When he realized it was her and not his friend, he hung up on her. They most likely will get back together, in my opinion. She actually came down here with him and was going to stay, but they got in a horrible fight and she went on back up to NY. Reminds me of Papi's situation when we first started out, big time. History may repeat itself, but I hope not. Maybe his west inidianess will make him less of a jerk than Papi was.

So who do I like better? It's really hard to say. I definitely like hanging out with my hood boi the best. I think we would have the most fun clubbing, bar hopping, making music, etc. I already invited him out with me and my girls next weekend. I know my L7 is always gonna treat me right and hold me up in the romance department. He is easy to take advantage of, something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing, unless I felt like he owed me. So at this point, I can't tell who will end up sticking around. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say Flip, my L7 boy.

Feeling Better

2008-03-04T22:57:00.007-05:00

It's good knowing people who know you. If you ever feel lost, they can help you find yourself. I'm feeling much better.

Right now, I'm about to go out on a date with this 29 yo music producer/entrepreneur I just started talking to this week. It's kinda late to be going out but he just got back in town and he's hungry. I met him on myspace. He's a nice guy, really funny, great personality. He's not really my type as far as looks though. Little like Jay Z, but I actually think Jay-Z is cuter if that's possible. Really Jay-Z was never ugly to me. I was crushing on him before Beyonce was in the picture. Anyway, I'm hoping he looks better in person. I feel kinda bad cause he already offered to wire me some money and he bought me a gift on his way back home. He's just doing alot and we haven't even met. I know I'm worth it, but how does he know so soon. Well, I'll try not to lead him on. If he's scary looking in person, it's not gonna work. I really can't pretend to be attracted to someone, even if they cash me up. Also he has a gum phobia. He's like seriously afraid of chewing gum or bubble gum. He gets nauseous just looking at it. I chew gum all the time. So this meeting in person thing does not look a promising situation, but we'll see. I have to think of a nickname for him. It will take a minute.

Papi Alert!!! I went to the police department the other day to get a copy of the police report Papi claimed to have filed against me after I exposed my blog to his groupies/girlfriends. I got curious about what he wrote about me. I mean if there is some official public document out there with details about me, I want to read it. There was no report. Can you believe it? That dummy lied. I want to kick him in the shin for that. He is such a loser. I think he has two girlfriends now. How does he do it. It boggles me. I guess music producers just get alot of ass. If you look famous and like you got money then you can get whatever you want. Helps to be cute too. That's Papi Chulo aka Unfamous Producer, Infamous Womanizer.

Skittles keeps texting me instead of calling. Like what are you doing? I guess he wants me to know he's thinking about me, but doesn't feel like talking. Fine. Thanks.

Met another new guy on Myspace tonight. He actually lives right down the street from me. Scary! Little too close for comfort. He's cute though. He's funny too and not on purpose. He wrote me a bunch of emails. I guess I was taking too long to answer and he got anxious. He was really quick to tell me his bio: He was born in Trinidad, he's black, indian, and spanish, and the rest was more than I really needed to know for just meeting someone. His ex girlfriend is his top friend and her profile pic is of them kissing. I asked him if she still loves him. He said "I guess." Strange! Anyway, he's younger which explains his eagerness. He let me know that he is going to the DMV tomorrow, which is a block away from where I live. I gave him my number. I really don't think we'll get along. He's a Virgo and clearly I haven't had luck with Virgos, ie: Papi Chulo and Flow.

Das Weiner is coming here at the end of April, instead of me coming there. I'm looking forward to that! YEA!!! We are gonna have so much fun!!!! I told him about Papi and he said he's gonna beat him up. He probably would too, but I told him not to worry about it. But that would be hilarious!

Curve sent me a cd through Itunes, Gnarles Barkley's first cd, to cheer me up. He's always looking out for me. That's why I love him! He says one of the songs reminds him of us. I have to figure out which one. I'll do that while I wait for Flip to call me for our date that I don't think is gonna happen anymore, cause I'm sleepy. That's gonna be his nickname, Flip. Cause he says he flip that money 7 ways!

Update: Papi's Single Again...I think

2008-02-28T19:44:00.002-05:00

I think Papi's single again (Don't ask how I know). I'm not sure I can trust my source anymore. Maybe they don't know what they're talking about. It's all very confusing. Anyway, I just wanted to give that update. Also I'm nominating him for a music award. Yeah I know.

Myspace makes the world smaller

2008-02-28T10:03:00.006-05:00

I had a patient last year. She was an African lady who had recently had surgery for resection of an ovarian tumor. She was back in the hospital because her foot went numb and she couldn't move it. I diagnosed her with peroneal nerve palsy, probably due to the position she was in during the surgery. I was proud of myself for figuring that one out. That's why I like medicine. You ask questions and investigate the evidence, you check your resources and suddenly you know exactly what's wrong with a person and all the pieces fit together. That happens occasionally. Anyway, I mention this woman, because she wanted to hook me up with her son. I was with my most recent ex at the time, so I let her know I was taken. She was dissapointed and said she had told her husband, "that I was very pretty and thin and going to be a doctor." I was flattered cause I'm not thin at all. I just have skinny arms. So anyway, she was a nice lady and when I would check in on her, she would talk to me forever about marriage and love and she was just really pleasant. Okay so let me get to the point. A couple of weeks ago this African guy on myspace requested me as a friend. He seemed to be a nice guy so I added him and we've emailed a little bit. Last night, I was emailing with him and I decided to check out his pictures. I'd looked at them before, but hadn't looked at his family pictures. So I'm checking out these family pics and I notice the picture of his mom and I'm like I know that lady. So I ask him, "Was your mom in the hospital recently?" He didn't answer back right away. I checked my email this morning and he wrote back, "Yeah, how did you know?" Wow this is a small world, made even smaller by Myspace.

Skittles called me at 2 am this morning. I was still up, but I wasn't happy. I asked what he was up to so late. He said "I'm thinking about coming there and getting under the sheets with you." I said, "You know you're like several hours away?" He said, "You just ruined the fantasy." I was like, "Sorry." Then he asked me to send a "cute picture" of myself to his phone. So I did. But I took like 45 minutes to do it and I guess he fell asleep cause when I tried to call him back he didn't answer. Oh well.

I called Flow this morning. He was happy to hear from me. I know I said I wasn't going to talk to him anymore, but...I dont' know why I called. He asked me if I thought his friend from New York was trying to sleep with me. At first I was like I don't know. I didn't want to break up a good friendship, but then Flow said he wouldn't put it past him cause the guy is sneeky. So I told him yeah, his friend was trying to get with me. See during our several conversations throughout that day that his friend asked me to come to see Flow, he kept trying to come to the hotel to see me. He would say, "If Flow doesn't come, I'll come there and spend some time with you." or he would ask, "Do you want me to come bring you something to eat or drink?" He was trying to get me drunk. I'm in my late 20's not early 20's, so I've had a little experience. I don't know why he thought he could trick me into sleeping with him instead. He should have just been honest about it. I might have considered it then lol!, but I don't like being treated like a fool. So Flow is going to cut him off.

Das Weiner ist mein freund

2008-02-27T13:45:00.004-05:00

Das Weiner called me today from work. We talked about his broken relationship and life's changes. He met his ex girl in Mexico. Isn't that crazy. Her and her son moved in with him a few months after that. They've been together for 1 1/2 years. He said they didn't work out because they come from 2 different backgrounds. They just can't get along anymore. So he has given her 3 weeks to get out of his house. He wants to fly me out to AZ to see him once things settle down between him and her. This is a good thing. I really like Das.

He asked me how many kids I want. I told him that I am not in control of my fertility so as many as God gives me and as many as I can afford to take care of. He said he wants to have a least 3. I guess that puts us in the same boat. Some people say those types of things are really important in a marriage. I guess they are. But I think opposite extremes are what cause the most strain. Someone who wants no children with someone who wants several. Someone who is muslim with someone who is scientologist. Those relationships are toughest and most likely would never work. When differences aren't that extreme, compromise is possible. That's the beauty of a good relationship, two people fufilling each other's needs and wants, sacrificing their own. MMMM, Luv!

ooo!

2008-02-26T23:39:00.001-05:00

Skittles accidently deleted me from his myspace friends, but at the same time he wasn't quick to try to get me back either. Oh well, maybe he does have a future. Myspace Reality! LMAO

mmm?

2008-02-26T21:24:00.005-05:00

Well that was extremely short lived. I guess our conversation was more awkward than I originally thought. He's really not a nice person. He deleted me as a myspace friend and changed his status to "Money over Bitches!". Wow! Who am I talking about? Skittles, the cute druggy. Pouring out some liquor for the death of the hope of moving on or getting some or whatever could have been. I'll try not to cry...

Options

2008-02-26T09:32:00.004-05:00

Well, the love life's picking up a bit and I do mean a bit in every since of the word. Met a guy on myspace. He's in FL. So it's kinda pointless to talk to him, but if he likes me enough maybe he'll come see me. He's 35 and pretty hot. Light skinned, light brown eyes, muscular, lots of tatts, nice smile. He is an independent rapper and limo driver. We've only talked on the phone once and it went alright. It's been such a long time since I last actually tried to get to know someone before meeting them. I've been so backwards since I broke up with my man of 4 years, last summer. It was a little awkward talking to him. He seems like a nice guy, but he wasn't quick to affirm this when I mentioned it. So I don't know what this guy is really about. He does music and works part time. He apparently is also going to school part time. He's a bit of a druggy and does X on the weekends. Who over 21 does X? I thought that was like a high school thing. He calls them skittles. So that's gonna be his nickname, Skittles! We'll see what happens with him.

I've been emailing with Das Weiner. Das Weiner, such an appropriate name for him. Click on his name to find out why. LOL! Anyway, he broke up with his live in girlfriend recently and is in the process of kicking her and her son out. He feels bad about it, because of the kid. I would too. He should have married her if they were gonna be shacking up with the kid. Otherwise they should have stayed in separate homes or just been friends in the same home. That's just my opinion. I'm a Dr. Laura Schlesinger fan (even though I don't follow her advice, it's good) and she would agree with me.

I don't think anything could happen between me and Das Weiner ever again. He's all the way in AZ. I've been there once. Hated it! It was like walking around in an oven, not a sauna, but an oven. The heat was so dry, I didn't even sweat. I just baked. Maybe I'll get a chance to visit him though. Who knows what the future holds? No seriously, who knows, cause I need to talk to them real quick.

Stigmatization of Papi

2008-02-25T17:29:00.011-05:00

MyHotComments

Papi has a "girlfriend". (Don't ask how I know) I put it in quotes because, well a "girlfriend" to Papi is any girl that let's him fuck her and another broad, but doesn't fuck anybody else. Hence why I couldn't be his "girlfriend". This one is a Khia look alike. A few steps up from his #1 fan who snitched on me. Well I think this will last a good month and that's an over estimate.

I no longer miss him. Yeah!!! I don't know if it was him getting a "girlfriend" or...who am I kidding? That's exactly why. Now that he's "taken" again, I just see that he's not really much of a catch. Strange logic, I know, but I guess the fact that he suddenly wifed up some myspace chick who lives hundreds of miles away makes me think he really doesn't care. He just wants to be with someone, anyone who won't mind his cheating heart. He's not ready to really build and support a solid relationship.

I was thinking. Papi acted like he was such a big deal. He told me he dated Buffy the Body. I wondered why Buffy the Body would date him. I thought maybe they went to high school together or something, but maybe Papi is kind of a big deal, a bit of a celebrity. Now, should I feel privledged to have breathed the same air as him? He probably feels that way and his groupies obviously feel that way. But me? I don't judge people on their reputation among the masses, but on how they come across to me. I had an attending who is a well known Cardiologist. He was really a big deal. But he definitely had a boys club type mentality. He looked out for and interacted with the male residents and students more than us females. I couldn't respect him once I realized this. I was no longer impressed by his extensive resume and reduced him to a sexist jerk.

One of my professors was talking about the stigmatization of HIV infected women in Vietnamese society. She asked if it was the same in America. I initially thought that was the case for parts of American society other than the one in which my classmates and I live and work. I thought about how Papi Chulo said to me "If a man cheats, he can just take a shower and it's like nothing happened, but a woman? If she has sex with a man, she can wash all she wants but she'll never be the same." I bet Flow feels the same way. Flow and Papi are the type of men that don't want their women (pluralize the plural) fucking anybody else. They think this is protecting them, when in actuality they are putting themselves at more risk by having multiple partners. So according to this philosophy women are always to blame for spreading STIs. If this were true then women wouldn't even get infected. If a shower could stop the spread of STI's, STI prevention lectures would go like this: "Men, take a shower after sex. Women, douche, then douche again." But it's doesn't work that way, clearly.

Now how do we get men (and women) to stop stigmatizing and blaming women. Some say individual cognitive and behavior change, but the truth is this is a much larger problem. Parker and Aggleton stated in their paper "HIV and AIDS-related stigma and discrimination: a conceptual framework and implications for action" (Social Science & Medicine 57(2003)13-24), stigmatizations is "a process linked to competition for power and the legitimization of social hierarchy and inequality. It's like racism, in that in order for certain groups to have power and domination of other groups, those certain groups must make the others feel inferior and also make themselves feel superior. This is done by perpetuating ideologies that may not be true, like the one mentioned above. So how do we fix it? Changes at the Policy level seem to help: laws that prohibit certain types of discrimination. The community level is useful: programs and media campaigns that educate and bring about awareness among the masses. But honestly inequality and hierarchies are an inherent part of any society and I believe it boils down to the way people think. So until we can find an cost-effective/individual-centered way to get everyone cognitive behavioral therapy, stigmatization, discrimination, sexism, racism, etc will always be at play in some way..

Anyway, I'm glad Papi has a "girlfriend". Honestly, I hope they stay together and that he can be faithful to her. Keep him off the streets and out of other women's sheets.

Violent Streak

2008-02-23T21:18:00.011-05:00

MyHotComments

Curve made me promise not to deal with Sug anymore. He said he was too dangerous for me. He might come after me. So I've been trying really hard not to call him. My phone was out of commission for about a week so that helped, but now that it's back on...I'm having a hard time not dialing his number, especially since I know he'll give me some cash. I've also decided on my own not to call Flow anymore. That's a little bit easier. I'd be calling him for sex only and I'd have to travel for that, something I don't want to do. I also thought about calling Radio, but I don't know...that would be like teasing myself, since he's 300 miles away. Papi's out of the question since he'll just yell at me and call the police. But I still miss him. It's so dumb. He's not even worth all these emotions, but I can't help but wish things had ended up differently. Oh God, get him out of my brain please (I beg while listening to the Miami Show CD we made together. Why do I torture myself so? I'm hopeless. But I picked some really good songs.) Why did I have to meet him? Why?! Why do I even care?! You know what would make me feel better? If I could go punch him in the arm. That would help. If I could just tell him off and punch him in the arm.

I like beating on guys. Ever since I smacked the smirk off of Tracks little freckled face in elementary school, hitting guys has been fun. I don't do it all the time. I got in a play fight with a guy on the bus in 5th grade. I hit a guy for smacking me on the butt that same year. I punched a guy in the arm in 7th grade. In high school, a friend and I staged a wrestling match with two of our guy friends. After that I tried to smack one of them unsuccessfully out side of school. I kicked the other one in the balls once for trying to lock my friend in the boys bathroom stall. It was actually an accident. I was just kicking whatever body part was closest and his junk happened to be it. In college, I hit a guy repeatedly in the back because he pushed me out of the way to get on a party bus. I also attacked a guy with a stick for joking on me (his girlfriend didn't like me). He had on a puffy coat, so I'm sure it didn't hurt. I got in a slap fight in the Walmart parking lot with the ex I hate. I used to play slap my most recent ex all the time. He liked it though because it was usually during intimate moments. I smacked Papi the night he was talking in Spanish to that chick on the phone, after we left this burrito place. He liked it too. I wanted to do it again, but he was eating his nachos. Smacking guys around is fun and they can take it.

It's so strange because I'm not a violent person. I've never been in a real fight with any girls. I remember in 8th grade, I was defending a friend against some girls who were joking on her because she was obese. One of the girls said to me, "If you say one more word, I'm gonna slap you." I opened my mouth, but after a second of thought decided I didn't want to be slapped because then I'd have to fight her. So I missed my one chance to get into a real fight. Right now for the first time in my life, I think maybe I should have said something. How much different would my life be, if I went into high school with a blemished record, a set of enemies, and a reputation. In high school, there was this one guy that hated me because I rejected him. He tried to hit me with soccer balls during PE once. I was walking away from him and each time a ball flew pass me, I turned around and mocked him, "Ha! You missed me." and turned right back around. I felt invinscible. I could have fought him. I mean if one of those balls actually hit me, I would have had to do something. So maybe that was another missed opportunity, but only because he had bad aim. The only other time maybe was at a club this summer, when this chick decided to say something about my large asset. She was so jealous. I could have gotten gully with her...lol! But i'm just not that type of person, besides she didn't say it to me, just loud enough for me to hear.

So anyway, if I could find a way to yell at Papi and then hit him in the arm (and then run away before he called the police) I would. That would be such good therapy. But alas, it will never happen. So in the mean time I just sit here wondering if Burbs is really who he says he is or if he's some inmate who gets computer time once a week and wondering when Curve is going to try to fill in for for all the men he's making me push out of my life.

Flashing Lights by Kanye

2008-02-22T22:10:00.002-05:00

Kanye West-Flashing Lights Video Feat. Dwele

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Flashing Lights Lyrics

You ain't got Sh*t

2008-02-20T21:57:00.005-05:00

Please pardon my french, but I felt I needed to address something that was directed toward me. And in my true chameleon style, I will stick to the format of lyrical expression. Here it goes:

You a stupid mutha fuckin bitch, if you think that man loves you
Yes a stupid mutha fuckin bitch is what I was too
Yeah, we stupid mutha fuckin bitches only difference is
I figured him out, but you still don’t get that shit

Maybe you happy playing the fool
But that’s the kinda shit I don’t take from no dude
I’m too cleva of a bitch, working on my 3rd degree
Mutha fucka’s always lieing, but like New York my 3rd eye sees

And I ain’t no groupie. Never been a fan.
Before he gave me his number, never heard of the man.
Now I’m realizing, never shoulda said hello
Sing it Keyshia Cole, shoulda let his ass go

Fuck that nigga. You can have my sloppy seconds.
Fuck a nigga who’s always fucking reckless
Putting his dick in any bitch rocking a necklace
Don’t care if that bitch ain’t never been tested

Yeah I’m still sweating, steady pressin
Tryna make sure that fucka learns his lesson
But as long as there are love sick bitches like you and me
A nigga’ll never learn to keep his dick out the streets

Women like me don’t usually fuck with men like you
You ain’t even a man, you’s a pussy ass dude
Sending your goupie ass girlfriends to settle your beef
While you lay at home and cry on your sheets

You stepped in some shit. Now you mad cause it stinks
Can’t get if off your shoe. Maybe next time you’ll think
No man will play me without getting burned
So to all these dudes that think it’s they turn
“This is your final warning”: Be Genuine, or you’ll get hurt.
Respect what you get. I know my worth.

Felt my Emotions. “It’s over and done.” I’m thru.
Messed with ghetto mutha fuckas and paid my dues
Rising above, never looking below
I’m a beautiful Pheonix. Let ‘em fuck with them crows

I’m multifaceted.
My steez, no one can master it
I can put you in your death bed with the stroke of my pen.
Write some sick lyrics or a lethal prescription…

-Celebrity Star

Papi Chulo Revisted The Finale

2008-02-19T17:22:00.010-05:00

Well these are the final lost entries of Papi Chulo. This was our final week, before I blew him up to his girls.

PC Part XV
Papi Again
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I called Papi Chulo today. He didn't answer but he called me back. I missed the call but called him back later. We talked a bit about different things. We made plans to go out this Friday. Then he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said yeah. Then he asked if I would have a threesome with him. I said no. I was like "I'm sure there are plenty of women who'd be willing to do that with you, but not me." He said, "I know, but I wanted to see if you'd join in." Whatever. Then we started talking about other things like the history of reproductive health policy in the US, racism, etc. Then he said he'd call me in an hour, but never did. I doubt he'll call me today. We'll just go out Friday hopefully and have a nice time.

The only way I'd have a threesome with him is if I was really cool with the girl or if we were married for life. I can't believe he seriously asked me that and then agreed that he could get some other girls to do it. What the hell?

PC Part XVI
My Ex and Missing Papi
Friday, February 1, 2008
Papi's sick so we couldn't go out tonight. Do I believe he's that sick? No not really. Do I believe he's checking for some other chick right now? That's much more believable.

My Ex that I hate decided to resurface again. And yes I meant to be redundant, because he is. He IM'd me. I was very mean to him. I had to be. He said he loves me and he knows I love him. I told him I actually hate him and he's delusional. Does he believe me? No. Delusional people tend to only believe what they make up in their own minds.

Maybe I'm delusional for thinking Papi really really wants to be with me. I thought about exposing Papi. But you know what? I think I'll wait. I mean he could really be feeling bad right now and just knocked out. Maybe

PC Part XVII
Arrgh Papi!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Papi Chulo is so rude. After standing me up last night and not calling to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to go out, he calls me today to ask if I know anyone who sells weed. Of course I don't which he should have known before he called me. We talked a little bit more about his cold and his friend and then he said he'd call me back. Well he didn't call me back which I expected.

I was leaving to go to a cocktail party and I decided to call Papi to ask if he wanted me to stop by afterward. I figured he'd say no, but I thought the gesture would be nice. Well, i was wrong. I called and he didn't answer. His voice mail picked up and a new song started playing. I liked it, but I didn't leave a messagae. About 5 minutes later my phone rang. It was Papi. I told him, "I like your new song." "Okay" he replied. "Okaaaay?"I was throne off by that response. "Yeah Okay. What do you want?" "Well I was just calling to let you know I was going out and--" Papi interrupted, "I told you I'm sick. Why--" I interrupted Papi, "Well then I'll leave you alone so you can get your rest and I won't bother you anymore." "Thank--" I hung up before Papi could finish his sarcastic expression of gratitude.

I was just trying to be nice to him. Show him I was thinking about him. I hadn't even called him since like Wednesday when we were back on track. Seems like everytime Papi and I get it together, he goes and acts like a jerk. I understand he's sick, but unless I'm truly bothering the hell out of him, he shouldn't act that way. And not calling in 3 days is not bothering him. I mean I should be mad at him for not calling to confirm that he wasn't well enough to go out. But did I even say anything about that. No! So why am I getting the cold shoulder from him. I don't know other than the fact that Papi Chulo can be a rude MF sometimes.

I just finished watching the end of a dog show. Papi Chulo reminds me of a dog. Sometimes he's like a puppy. Like when we first met and he was down on his knees and looked up at me with his sad puppy dog eyes and said "Why are you being so nice to me? Girls usually use me." Just like a puppy he'll sometimes do exactly what he thinks you want him to do, hoping you'll give him a treat. But other times Papi is a vicious dog. Having been abused and neglected he doesn't understand how to allow a person to help and care for him. He'll bite your hand if he feels threatened so as not to again be hurt. I guess that's why he's so close to his dogs. I really don't think I can deal with him anymore. No seriously...

The end.

After I exposed my blog to some of Papi's female friends, he called me the next morning. Of course I didn't answer. He left several messages and then finally texted me. I read it. It asked me to take everything down and said he'd already called the police. I disabled my blog and took down my myspace. I called him back. He yelled at me and threatened a class action law suit, which I thought was the dumbest thing I ever heard. I wanted to ask who he was going to be representing in this class action suit, but I thought that would be inappropriate for the situation. He said he was going to file a restraining order against me for harassment. He was like "I didn't even do anything." I wanted to be like "Um. You fool!" But I had to be serious and scared so he would think I regretted it. Which I did, but honestly I couldn't help but smile. It was a sinister smile that I had to hide for a while, because you are not supposed to enjoy your revenge.

Well after a day or two I looked up my rights and realized the only thing I might have done wrong is direct people to my blog. Otherwise, if Papi had gone through with all of his planned legal actions, he would have been sorely dissapointed.

Papi Chulo Revisited Quatre

2008-02-18T18:10:00.006-05:00

Nothing is happening, which I guess is good since I have a couple of papers to write this week. Burbs went missing again, which is not good. The positive energy I was feeling from him is really seeping away. I don't know if I can be excited about talking to him anymore.

So here's more Papi Culo Revisited. Sorry there's no date on the 1st one. I just don't feel like trying to figure it out. The second one starts out weird. In another post before that, I said Papi didn't answer my email the way I would have wanted him to. I also stated he was gonna end up calling me like they always do. I can't find this entry. I probably completely erased it after "the incident". boohoo!

PC Part XIII
I am weak
Yeah I wrote Papi Chulo. I am ashamed to even say. But I was having a very weak moment and I decided to write him this semi-long email about how much I missed him. Yeah I was missing him for that one moment. I mean, I have been missing him. He's crazy but I like him. Besides there are no other options right now. I did see a cute guy running pass the bus stop today. But I don't pick up guys off the street. Internet only! LOL! But if he had tried to talk to me I would have given him my number.

Really the only guy that I could potentially forget Papi Chulo for would be this pediatric resident in my program. He is asian. Filipino I think, but I'm not sure. Maybe Cambodian or Laotian for all I know, but I do definitely know he's cute and funny. We've hung out before, in a group actually, watching boxing, at a bar. We sat next to each other and joked about everything. We have the same sense of humor. It was great. He's one of those men that would be really respectful and I'd make him wait until we're married to have sex. But honestly, he would probably never be in a serious relationship with me, cause besides our sense of humor we're very different people.

PC Part XIV
Don't Get Mad Get Glad
Monday, January 28, 2008
What did I tell you? Papi Chulo called today. I was in class. So I had to call him back. He is...is...so...so...confusing at times. I just don't get him. He's mad at me, well he says he's not mad at me, but he told me I was acting like a ho, which is what people who are mad at you sometimes say to indicate they're mad at you.

He was trying to give me advice on my money situation. Which I appreciate, but then he asked me if I'd slept with anyone. I tried to lie, but I'm not a good liar, so he saw through it (or heard through it rather). So he responded, "I'm not mad. I just know that you can't be my girlfriend." Scrrrrreeeeech! Um that was apparent to me a few days back, which is why I slept with someone else, but you are now just getting the news flash? I mean sure I'd like to be Papi's main squeeze, but one problem. The side squeezes that he doesn't hide from public view or from me. The blatant disrepect. You think I'd deal with that humiliation. I'm sure some comments are gonna pop up now from like 2 weeks ago on his myspace with some girl saying "I'll come over tomorrow Papi", just like last time. He is so frustrating. So then when I'm like "well did you sleep with anyone?" (over these past couple of weeks that you refused to maintain contact with me) He's like "that's not the question. don't try to switch things up." Uhm, I'm not trying to switch things up and I have the right to know. When he finally decided to answer. He lied and said no. He told me he had been tired and didn't even want to have sex. He explained that it's too much work to sleep with other girls, because you have to pretend to be their man, etc. Come on Papi. You've never had trouble sleeping with different women before. You think I'm stupid. That's why I can't be your girlfriend. I don't get him. Then he starts telling me I said things that I haven't said, like 'I'm mad at him for not committing to me.' Never said that. He was like, "Not in those exact words." I was like "Oh so your assuming that's what I was saying." He said he would send me the emails. I'm thinking he's confusing me with some other girl which he's done before. I think he realized this and droped it. Then he was like, "You aren't patient enough. I do this with girls. I leave them alone for a while and if they haven't slept with anyone then I know they can handle being my girl, but if they have then I can't be with them." I guess I'm supposed to feel bad because I didn't pass the test. Truth is, I kinda do, but at the same time I know that I could never have been Papi's girl.

Well Papi called me back and now I feel really bad. He actually was being really nice to me and giving me advice and critique that made sense. I learned about support networks and social support in one of my courses. He would fit under Appraisal support and maybe Instrumental support. I feel like the kidnapped woman who starts to identify with her kidnapper. Oh well. We're supposed to be good friends now. I can be his good friend. It's fine.

I text messaged Flow earlier today. When we were together this weekend, he told me he wants to take a trip to Vegas. He didn't really ask me to go, but I thought about it this morning and asked if he wanted to take me to Vegas with him. He said yes. but then when I tried to call him, I got no answer. So I'm thinking his damn friend is butting in again.

I'm gonna go work out. I plan to lose about 15lbs and get back to my high school weight. Back then I could fit into a size 6 depending on the cut. Now I think I could probably fit into a 10 at that weight.

Papi Chulo Revisited to be continued....

Papi Chulo Revisted Trois

2008-02-15T20:29:00.004-05:00

Well I don't know how Papi's Valentine's Day went. I'm guessing he spent it contracting HIV or some other STD or maybe he spent it alone. Doesn't matter I had a good night. I'm gonna stop being bitter though. I'll keep posting, but I'm not going to be angry anymore.

PC Part XI
Thursday, January 14, 2008
previously posted under Well...
I did end up calling Papi Chulo. He said he was upset about the 911 conspiracy debunking I wrote on Saturday night and sent to his email. He felt I was insulting him. So he left a message on my phone saying don't call him anymore and he called me weird, which is a stupid thing to call someone, especially if you yourself are weird. So anyway, he also responded to my email basically saying the same thing and then I responded back but he never read the responses. So I called him Sunday and we talked for a bit. Most of the conversation was about 911 and the evil government. It was the worse. I came away feeling like Papi Chulo is a waste of my time. At the end of the conversation he said I could call him today, but I didn't feel like it. So I didn't. He hasn't emailed or called so that's the end. But at least we are on better terms now.

PC Part XII
Friday, January 22, 2008
previously posted under Update Project Runway StylePapi Chulo...Lots has happened. He erased the myspace posts from "the other woman". Why? I guess because we were back on for a while. Last Tuesday, I called him to see if I could come over. After complaining that I didn't call him on Monday (so random), he was like "Yeah you should come over. I'm hungry." I was like what do you want to eat. I was hoping he'd say he wanted to go out to eat, but he was like "Um I want a # 1 from Mcdonald's." I said "Okay. Is this how you make your living?" Why did I say that? Papi immediately went off, "What? You think I'm a bum?." I was thinking Yeah, I was trying to come spend time with you and your like bring me food. This isn't the first time you've done that. Sounds like a bum to me. I'm sure you use women all the time. Bum ass Bum! But I said, "No I don't think you're a bum. It's just I want to come see you and your immediately like bring me food." He argued, "Haven't I brought you food before? I never complained. That's what people do for each other." I get that, but I never asked him to bring me food. It feels weird. We went back and forth some more and he ended up telling me not to call him or ride by his house or anything. I called him a cry baby. He said he would just grill some salmon and shrimp on his new griddle. I was like good for you!! How about you should have invited me over for salmon and shrimp instead of asking for McDonald's. It was crazy.

The following day, I called him in the afternoon even though he told me not to. He called me back almost immediately and told me that he was in my city and needed to borrow some gas money. He explained that his accountant was in a meeting and he wasn't going to be able to get her to transfer money from his business account to his personal account before the bank closed. He said it all so sheepishly. He was probably reluctant to ask since he thinks I think he's a bum. But I agreed to give it to him. We met up at Bank of America. He got in the car with me and he pulled me in close to him and we started making out. He was like "You look so good. We have to make love within the next couple of days." I was like "oh really?!" So I spent the night at his house that night. But it didn't go so great.

He got mad at me for laughing at him. Like seriously mad. So mad that we didn't even have sex because I "don't respect" him. We did nothing and I barely slept cause his gazillion dogs kept climbing on the bed. He woke up a couple of times in the night and he wrapped his arms around me and said "I love you so much." What the hell? I wrapped my arms around his and said "I love you to Papi." The next morning he asked if I was mad at him. I just said no. But really I was mad because he invited me over for nothing. When I tried to put my arm around him, he rejected me, but kept hugging me and saying he loved me. Why? I was confused about him. I came to the conclusion that he was probably fucking that girl and didn't want to fuck me. In a sick (as in mentally ill) way, that means he cares about me.

I called that Thursday night just to see how he was doing and say goodnight. We talked for about 30 seconds. He didn't call me baby or mami or nothing. I could tell he was preoccupied, probably with that stupid myspace bitch. I hate her. Anyway, that was that.

On Friday, I noticed a number calling from Papi Chulo's city, that I had never seen before. I was thinking it could be one of Papi Chulo's groupie girls that had gotten in his phone. Maybe. I called to ask him if he knew the number. He said no and I said okay. Then the phone went dead. He called back a few minutes later from a restricted number and said that he dropped his phone in a bucket of water. He keeps a bucket of water to clean dog poop. Anway, he went on to yell at me for calling and asking him about someone calling me from his city. UM?! I recall him asking me if I had told girls from my school about him because he was getting lots of myspace messages from girls from here. I didn't get mad. But Papi Chulo is so sensitive, like a little bitch sometimes. So he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and he put on a show for his cousin, putting the phone down and saying "I can't even hear you, bla bla bla" That was the end. But I sent him a text reminding him that he owed me money. Saturday he called and said he would meet me Monday to pay me back.

Yesterday, he met with me to give me the $13 I let him borrow and so I could give him back some books he let me borrow. I dressed up really nice and I looked really good. I wore a brown low cut wrap style shirt, my skinny jeans and brown pumps. My hair was in it's naturally curly state looking like a beautiful black mane framing my high cheekbones. I checked myself in the car mirror, making sure my lipgloss made my lips shimmer in the moonlight. As I got to the corner of the TJ Maxx where we were planning to meet. He called me and started yelling "Where are you? You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago." I just said "I guess it takes 20 minutes to get here" "hurry up, I got stuff to do", he replied. So I pulled into the parking lot parallel to, but facing opposite of him, so that we faced each other. I rolled down my window and he rolled down his. When his eyes settled on me, his head jumped back. But he quickly corrected it and acted like he didn't care how gorgeous I looked. We did our little trade. As I rolled my window back up, I could see him taking a second look at me, like a little puppy dog. It felt so good.

I sent Papi an email asking if he was okay and if he needed help with anything. He answered, but I'm not gonna read it. I'm not even going to contact him again. I'm just going to pretend I fell off the face of the earth. I remember when he asked, if he disappeared for two weeks, what I would do. Well now I'm gonna dissapear instead and see what he does. Ha Ha HA!!!! I feel bad about it. Cause I actually really like Papi Chulo and I would like to try to have a real relationship/friendship with him. But it's just impossible. He doesn't try to hide the fact that he's seeing other girls and he blows up for no reason way too much. My hope is that he'll miss me and try to contact me and I can just sit back and watch as the messages pile up. But he might not even do all that. Papi Chulo's got so many groupies, he'll find a few to pass the time with easily. I might feel like I'm special, but honestly he might be like a serial monogomous or something. Sharing intimate details of his life with every girl he meets and then acting like an ass to get rid of them so he can move on to the next. I want to believe that he felt something with me that he doesn't feel with other girls, but he could just be really good at covering up his real feelings.

Oh well. I'm not gonna waste my time trying to figure it out. I have so much work to do.

Burbs to Save the Day

2008-02-14T23:21:00.004-05:00

Well, my best girlfriend from school canceled on me. Her grandmother wanted to treat her grandkids to a Valentine's Day dinner. So I spent the evening alone. I went to the fashion show, which was great. It was fashions from around the world. I wish I had known about it before this week. I would have volunteered as a model. I have a mean runway walk! I kept making eyes with the cute doctor from class, but he was being shy. Which is rude, because it's not like we've never hung out. I won a broach made in Mexico during a silent auction. I don't know why they call it winning. When you win a prize it should be free. I didn't really want to spend the money and was hoping someone would out bid me. Oh well...I left the show feeling kind of dejected. Valentine's Day was turning out to be a bust!

I got home and moped around a bit. I pouted and pouted and tried to cry, but tears wouldn't come. It would have been too lame to cry cause I don't have Valentine. I started watching Lost. I checked my myspace. Nothing. I checked my email. Nothing. I checked my other email. Nothing. I finished watching Lost. I checked my myspace. Nothing. I checked my email. Gasp!!!! Burbs!!! He wrote me back, finally. AAAAAAAH! Burbs!!!! He's no longer MIA. In fact he's in it to win it! We talked for about an hour on the YIM. He'd been very busy training some new employees and had been up 37 hours straight. Poor baby. I can sympathize with him. Being on call is the pits, especially on a busy night where it seems everyone wants to be sick. Anyway, we had a really great convo and I can honestly and truthfully with all of my mind and soul say, "I really like Burbs."

Oh yeah. Found out Burbs isn't a Capricorn. I put in a randome birthday on the website. Boooo! He's a Virgo like me. Which is cool. I already determined that Virgos can be very compatible if the two virgos involved are willing to put in the work. What's up with me running into all these Virgos. Flow, then Papi, now Burbs! 3rd times a charm! 3 strikes your out! Which will it be?!

My thoughts and prayers go out for those affected by the tragedy at Northern Illinois University.

Papi Chulo Revisited Deux

2008-02-13T20:42:00.005-05:00

Well Tomorrow is the big V-Day. This is the first time that I'll be single on Valentine's Day in 5 years. Even the year before that I had a Valentine. But this year, wouldn't you know I don't have one. Isn't that completely fucked up? Yeah I know. Well I do have plans. I'm going to a fashion show and going to dinner with my best girlfriend at school and her brother. So I guess it won't be too bad. With all this Papi Chulo revisiting, I'm wondering who he'll decide to spend it with. I'm sure he has plenty of choices, the little Punk! Kiss my Ass Papi! You've done it before!

More Papi Chulo Revisited...

PC Part IX
Boredom
Monday, January 7, 2007
School is starting back up on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it because I am so bored. I have work I should get done soon, but I've been procrastinating. Not a good thing.

Papi Chulo and I have been painting the town red. He drove back from Miami early and got back yesterday. Some crazy stuff was going on down there shootings, stabings. He decided he didn't want to be involved with people like that and left. The promoter for a popular DJ down there wants him to perform at his party and help start a radio station here. I think it's so wonderful. If he stays focused he could have alot.

He called me this morning and asked if I wanted to get some studio equipment. He said he would buy it, but I told him he didn't have to. It's so weird. Sometimes I feel like he wants love so much that he has just fallen in love with me, but at the same time he's trying not to fall in love with me. He was crying on the phone to me after he got back from Miami, because his ex girlfriend called saying her mother kicked her out and she's going to have to go to a shelter. He was thinking of letting her come back and stay with him, but he doesn't want to deal with the same old girl. They had a bad argument and she told him that she wished he would die. I tried to talk to him about it I was afraid his mood was going to ruin our night. But ultimately a talk with his best friend/cousin did the trick. He told me he's always gonna love her and wishes she would get better. I know it's a possibility that he'll return to her. If she does wake up and do what she needs to do to get her life on track, he'll be with her. He's never been in a relationship that long. He says relationships before only lasted 1 month or so. This was 2 years. I tried to tell him I know how he feels but he doesn't believe it. I spent the night with him to keep him company. He didn't want to be alone.

Anyway, he was feeling better today and we road around town again, running his little errands. I got a weird feeling today. I felt for a second like he might be telling others that he's playing me. That he is pretending to love me just so he can have a pretty lady on his arm and in his bed, boost his ego a bit. He might even try to get me to buy him something. He did ask if I would buy him a laptop. I told him maybe. I just don't want to get played.

I wish we could have more time together though. He always says "I wish I could spend every night with you", but he doesn't do it, even when he can. Like tonight. He went out with his buddy and now he's going home. He told me to call him at 7am cause he has an appt at 8am. I suppose because he has to get up early he wants to get plenty of sleep, but still. This could be the last night, since I'll be starting school. He says he's going to be busy also. He senses I'm a little unhappy. I am just because I don't know if I have the ability to make him completely happy. And I'm scared. I'm scared to be in love again. I want to make sure this is really the person I want to be with before I just commit my whole heart and invest myself. I want to make sure he believes I am the person. I am not convinced of that.

PC Part X
Can't Take No More
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Last night papi chulo, his cousin, and I hung out. He paid for everything that night. I don't think that was the plan though. I was driving. His phone rang. He let it go to the voice mail. He checked his voice mail. He called the person back. He tried to talk quietly but I could easily hear him over the music. He was definitedly talking to a chick. I could tell by his tone. Then he started speaking in spanish. La manana, then something else that I didn't understand. That really pissed me off. Me and Chulo have an understanding. We aren't in a relationship and we can see other people, but who the hell wants to have that shit in their face. No one. He could of called her later or messaged her. But instead he puts that shit in my face, like look I'm talking to some other bitch. And had the nerve to talk to her in spanish like I wouldn't know what the hell he was saying, like I'm just a stupid bitch. I don't like that. It's straight disrespectful.

So I didn't say anything, but I started thinking about everything. How I was driving and he wanted me to buy drinks and how I bought sexy lingerie for him and how he told me early that night that he wasn't feeling really affectionate claiming it wasn't me just him and how when we had sex that Wednesday neither one of us was really feeling it, then I started thinking maybe he's jerking me around and he's definitely fucking some other bitch. I got mad and I started driving really fast. He started yelling at me to slow down, then he was like take me home I don't want to deal with this. He asked his cousin if he would drive, but his cousin had been smoking and drinking so that was a no go. Chulo said he couldn't wait to get his license back so he could have control. I asked him if that was the real reason he was mad, because he doesn't have any control over my driving. He kind of hesitated as if he was thinking to himself maybe that is why, but he was like no. Then he told me I could drive. I apologized for speeding and scaring everyone in the car. The rest of the night he was really nice to me and paid for everything. I was like ooo I should go off more often.

well he hasn't called me all day, so I'm just like over him now. He accidently left his miami show cd in my car. He can easily make another one though, so it's not that big of a deal. But I doubt he'll call me after last night and I don't plan on calling him anymore. He fucked up with that phone call. And now there are messages on his page from Tuesday that I don't recall seeing before Friday. The messages said "Can't wait to see you either. Ur so sweet." So he basically didn't want me to see the comments before, but now doesn't care. That's fine. He's fucked up. I'm over him now. Wait...

All this fucking talk about let's get a house, let's get married, i love you so much, let's get tatoos, i'm not fucking anybody else, I guess that changed this week. I washed his fucking dishes, slept next to his dogs (I hate dogs), helped him create his miami show, looked up shit on the internet for him, tried to be there for him in all ways, drove him and his friend around, let him borrow money, listen to him cry on the phone about his lonliness and his crazy girlfriend, HE's FUCKED UP! Now I'm over him.

I'm gonna rest on the men for a while.

Papi Chulo Revisited to be continued...

Papi Chulo Revisited

2008-02-12T22:43:00.012-05:00

Well since my personal life is so boring right now, I'm going to repost entries on Papi Chulo, my first latin lover, until things get back to normal (normal, ha!). As you may or may not have noticed January is pretty bare. That's because I spent the end of December and into January with Papi Chulo.

I've already re-listed Papi Chulo on my labels and put him back in entries where I deleted him. Now I will begin posting the other deleted entries. Sure I have better things to do, but unfortunately my mind doesn't work that way.

Also check out Mariah's new single "Touch My Body". I love it.

PC Part IV
Sunday December 30, 2007
Papi!!
There's something about Papi Chulo. When he says he loves me I believe him. I feel it's real. But I'm still afraid. Maybe it's because of this recent thing with Flow. I'm afraid he'll wake up one day and say, "I don't really love her like that." I mean he did just get out of a relationship. I'm being mindful of that.

Last night we had a good time. I took him and his cousin out to a bar. On the way in the car, he was messaging back and forth with some girl from vegas that he called a groupie. He said she was a dumb blond. I told him to be easy on her, she just wanted to get to know him. He was like "I've known her for a while." Once we got to the bar, we were hugged up the whole night. It was great. He rained compliments down on me and kept telling me he loved me and wants to marry me. I was like "you are so high" He was like "Shut up no I'm not." I love him. I want to marry him. I want to have his kids. All in due time though. If we make it to September '08, then I know it will work.

I just got this crazy idea. What if Chulo has Schizophrenia? What if all this stuff is just apart of his delusions? What if he is bipolar and he's in his manic phase? He does get very little sleep. OMG I know nothing about him.

PC Part V
Monday, December 31, 2007
New News
Just found out that Papi Chulo has a son. He called this morning and asked me to come over, so we could make breakfast. On my way out the door he called and said there was an emergency with his "young boy". Now "young boy" could be his "boy" as in "homeboy" who is younger than him, but I doubt it. This is kinda dissapointing. I don't know why. Maybe because I was thinking of having his kid, but that's kinda out of the question now. We'll have to get married first, which I'm thinking ain't gonna happen. Oh well, I'm just gonna have fun and enjoy the attention. I been telling myself I want someone to take care of so...

Last night Sugar daddy called several times and left a message and text messaged me. I never answered but his messages said he was severely depressed and just wanted to talk to me. Yeah Right! I'm not falling for it. He just wants to convince me to sleep with him. We are not that close. He should talk to his wife or sisters or whoever, not me.

PC Part VI
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Oh!
Papi Chulo doesn't have kids!!!. Young boy was young homeboy. Yeah!!!!!!! I'm so happy. We spent New Years Eve together. We went to lunch then I went to his house near midnight and we listened to music and made a beat together. We made love in his studio. It was the best. I felt very close and connected with him.

He might have an illegitamite kid out there though, that he doesn't know about. He is a little crazy. He showed me an email with a list of show dates. At the top of the list it said open slots. So I assumed that it was an email about possible show dates and not actual show dates. But he acted as if it was his show schedule.

He's going to Miami this weekend for Hoodstock and a couple of other events. In a way I would like to go with him just to see what it's like for him. He told me that he might "need" me to go. I guess to assist him in any way. But I think one of his friends/A&R person didn't like the idea of a girl going with them. Chulo is having trouble getting his artists to go to this thing. They have to work or they're scared to perform out there. I don't know what's going on. He's angry with alot of the people he works with right now. One guy who's going with them doesn't have the money to go and is expecting Chulo to take care of it. Chulo says he's paying for everything and some of his boys in Miami are making sure other things are taken care of, like food, hotel, etc. I hope everything works out for him. I'm pryaing that they do. I love him but he may be a tad delusional, seriously.

I was trying not to talk to my sister about Papi Chulo. But my mom did it for me. Today she called and asked if I was going to Miami. I told her no. She asked if Chulo invited me. I said "He said he might need me to go. But no guarantees. But yesterday he told me he didn't need me to go." She said "Oh I guess he got one of his other groupies to go." I was so insulted. She doesn't what to say out of her mouth. I really can not talk to her anymore. She pisses me of with shit like that. She tried to explain she just meant female fan. I told her either way she got across the point she wanted to get across. She claimed that wasn't her point. I told her if she was trying to make a different point she would use a word like "friend" or "person", but she used "groupie"!

PC Part VII
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Aye Papi
Spent more time with Papi Chulo today. He bought me lunch and then he road me around town. He showed me his old hood and we went to a couple of other places. A girl kept calling him. Apparently she wanted to see him last night and he told her to catch a cab and come over. She told him she wasn't gonna do that just to see some dude. I guess they had a blow up and she was calling him today to try to resolve things. He told her he felt disrespected when she said he wouldn't pay to come see him and called her ignorant and then said he didn't want to talk to her. They hung up and she called again. She apologized to him and he said he would talk to her when he gets back from Miami.

PC Part VIII
Thursday, January 3, 2008
I'd give my all
I put in some serious quality time with Papi Chulo last night. I stayed up with him until 4am helping him put together tracks for his show in Miami, which is going to be hot by the way. He let me control the record and playback and all. I put his clothes in the dryer for him and helped him pick out jeans to wear. We went to sleep and when we woke I continued to help him. He got mad at me a couple of times, like when I told him I didn't like one of the songs. Also when he was sleeping he would wake up everytime I moved and be like "Where you going? Okay hurry back."

I wanted to let one of the dogs out to pee cause he kept wimpering and moving all around, but Chulo was like "just let him in the hall" So when we woke up we discovered he had pooped in the kitchen. And I was thinking "You should have just let me let him out, but you wanted to be all cranky." Then he let the other dogs out while he finished fixing up his show and packing up his toiletries. He left the bathroom door open. He let the dogs back in and continued working on his music. He finished the chopping up the tracks and then allowed them to play. He opened the door to the studio and behold in the bathroom were the dogs making a muddy mess in the tub and floor. Papi Chulo went off. He was firing mad. Dogs were running and flying everywhere. He was so angry. He was almost ready to go and they had ruined the bathroom. I just stood there and tried to stay out of the way. He started mopping and I was like "You want me to clean that up while you work on your music. Chulo didn't say anything. He just walked back into the studio. So I cleaned the floor and tub. He later cleaned the poop in the kitchen.

We were a team. It felt good. He thanked me for helping him and apologized for being cranky. He said he'd buy me something nice from Miami. I'll believe it when I see it. He also asked me if I scared when he blew up at the dogs. I said yeah. He said "it's okay if you don't want to be with me because of that. Some people can't handle that about me. I don't do that to people but I do get angry sometimes."

That girl from yesterday called him again. He didn't say it was her but when he answered he was like "I'm on the road, can I please call you back. Please. In 2 minutes. Please. Thank you." 5 minutes later it rang again and he was like "Why does this MF keep calling me?" I had asked him yesterday why he even wasted time talking to her. He said just to keep the peace and keep her from blowing up his phone. Chulo said she's a bartender at a strip club and he doesn't trust her and wouldn't fuck with her. I hope he gets rid of her.

Yesterday while we were driving around town, he said he doesn't know if he can fall in love again, because of his ex. I've felt the same. I mean I was with my ex for 4 years and everytime I think about meeting someone knew, I wonder if I can really be in love like that again. I was really in love with him. I told myself after we broke up I had pretty much met all the men I could possibly marry. I don't know if I can feel that way again.

Papi Chulo Revisited to be continued...

I guess that's a no

2008-02-11T17:12:00.000-05:00

Well Burbs has been MIA. He hasn't answered my last email since Friday. Strange since he'd been acting as if he looked forward to my emails each day. Now he could just be really busy, which is fine. So I'll give him a couple of more days until I completely write him off.

Well it figures. This is the story of my life. Always just short of what I hope it will be.

Earth Signs

2008-02-10T18:56:00.000-05:00

Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

I am an earth sign and since high school I've known that my best signs were my earth mates, Taurus and Capricorn. My first love was a Taurus. I'll call him Tracks, cause he wore braces. He and his little brother moved in one street away from my family when I was in about 4th grade. He was a grade above and his brother a grade or two below me. We rode the same bus and went to the same elementary school, but I never said anything to him. Being a shy girl I just admired him from afar. Then one morning while waiting for the school bus with my grandma, she decided to invite them to my stop. I was so embarassed, I hid behind my grandma the whole time. That was the closest I'd gotten to Tracks up until then. He was so cute. Light-skinned, epicanthal folds in his eyelids so he looked part asian, and freckles. I had such a crush. We got on the bus and that's when the jokes started. Tracks was quite the comedian and from that day on I was the butt of most of his jokes.

One day I had on a cute new outfit. It was a two piece pants set with black and white stripes and a picutre of Minnie Mouse on the front. That day on the way home, Tracks decided to sit right next to me. He started calling me Beetlejuice, because of my stripy outfit. He wouldn't stop. Finally I lost it and smacked him across the face. Then I burst out into tears. When I got off the bus, my brother was at the front door to greet me. I told him that the boy down the street made me cry. My brother took off running to the next street while the bus was dropping Tracks and his brother off. Tracks saw my brother and started running home. My brother stopped the bus driver and let him know what had happened and told him to keep an eye out. That night my brother, a jokster himself, gave me some jokes to try out on Tracks the next day. I did and they were a hit. That shut him up for a good while.

After Tracks graduated from elementary school, I hardly ever saw him. Over the summer I would ride up and down my street (I wasn't allowed to go any further) on my bike hoping he'd ride by. I think I did see him a couple of times that summer. Then the summer was over and I started 5th grade, Tracks started 6th. One afternoon we had a spaghetti dinner at my school. Not many people came, but Tracks showed up with his brother and uncle. After we ate, we went outside to the playground. I mostly stayed away from Tracks, still shy. But his brother came over and asked me if I wasnted to be Tracks girlfriends. I said yes, but I still never talked directly to him except to say bye when I left with my mom.

The relationship didn't last very long. I got off the bus the next day, and Tracks was down the street waiting for his brother. He called out my name and I just ran away. Why? I was too scared to talk to him. My own boyfriend that I'd had a crush on since 4th grade. I just ignored him. On the bus, the next morning Tracks's brother informed me that he'd broken up with me. I was sad. But I got over it. We moved from the neighborhood before I finished 5th grade.

Tracks and I kept in touch over the years with letters, cards, and phone calls. Occasionaly, we'd go visit my grandma and I'd see him riding his bike. In high school, we talked on the phone at least once a week. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend when I was in 16. At the time I was dating this Filipino kid at school. We'd only been together for 2 days, but I dumped him for Tracks. I know it was mean, but I'd been wanting to be with Tracks since elementary school, so how could I pass it up. I thought it was fate. I went to one of his football games. After the game I surprised him. He didn't even know I was going to be there. He was happy to see me though and he asked me out on a date. The following week I convinced my parents with the help of my sister to let, Tracks and I go out on what would be my first date. We went to see Romeo and Juliet. We didn't talk much. It was quite awkward. At the end of the date we didn't hug or kiss or nothing. My sister picked me up and asked, "So did you kiss him?" I told her we did nothing. She was like "What?" Go ask him if he needs a ride home and then give him a hug. So I did. That was awkward as well. About a week or so later, he broke up with me. He said he only saw me as a friend. I suppose he dumped me to be with another girl. Karma's a...well...you know. I got back with my Filipino ex, but it only lasted a month.

Tracks and I continued to keep in touch after that. More Letters and cards and phone calls. He was graduating that year and I was going into the 12 grade. His plans were to play college ball or go into the military. Over the summer we lost contact. I started seeing a guy I'd met through family. He was my first serious boyfriend. We were in love and nothing could tear us apart.

I was surprised one day to get a letter from Tracks. It was a short note written on stationary and in a small envelope. It basically said the he was in training for the navy and that he still thought about me and thought it was fate for us to be together. I, against the advice of my mother, wrote back letting him know I had a man and we couldn't be together. How stupid of me, but c'est la vie. I was being honest. Well needless to say he never wrote me back.

My boyfriend and I lasted a good while, 10 months. We broke up after I started pre-college. By then I realized there were lots more cute guys and that they weren't all light-skinned. College was lots of fun for me. I got to go to the parties I wasn't allowed to go to in high school and hung out late at night. It was great!!

My freshman year, one of my friends and I caught a party bus to a Que party. It was so much fun. I danced until my hair was wet with sweat. At the end of the night everyone was rushing to get out of the door. Suddenly, I recognized a light-skinned guy with epicanthal folds and freckles. "Tracks! Tracks!", I yelled his name, until he turned around. He was as excited to see me as I was to see him. We hugged. "You're sweaty!" he said. "I know!." "What are you doing here?" I told him I went to school down the street. I asked what he was doing there. He said he came with some friends. I had to stop and get my coat, he had to go, and that was the last time I saw Tracks in person.

My senior year in college, I tried to get in contact with Tracks. I wanted to see if we could make it work one last time. I looked his name up in the phone book and got his number. I called and a woman answered. I figured it was a girlfriend or wife. I told her I was a friend from elementary school and I just wanted to catch up with him and see how he was doing. She took the message and Tracks called me that night. He told me he had a daughter from a previous relationship and that his new wife was Korean-American and also in the navy. He let me know they were going to be stationed in Italy soon. I congratulated him on his marriage. I didn't have much good news to share as far as a personal life. I just told him that I was still planning to go to med school. He was proud of me. We said good night. The conversation lasted about 10 minutes and that was the last time I talked to Tracks.

It took me a minute to get over that. I often regretted writing that letter the summer of my senior year in high school. I wondered how different my life would be if I'd been with my elementary school sweetheart. But I met my last boyfriend, and I soon got over him.

Anyway, Tracks was the only Taurus I was involved with. None even entered my life after that. My only other hope was to meet a Capricorn, but no luck there until now. Burbs is a Capricorn, and we've hit it off really well over the internet. So I wonder to myself, without getting too anxious since we haven't even met yet, "could he be the one?"

I was reading about the earth signs. Taurus represents the Raw material, Virgo represents the Garden, and Capricorn is the Harvest. Could Burbs be my Harvest? Wouldn't that be nice? Do I deserve it? Have I earned it? Has my Garden grown enough? Is it time to Harvest? Will fate be good to me this time around?

Burbs!!!!!!!

2008-02-08T14:08:00.000-05:00

I re-activated my profile on the site where I met Sugar Daddy. Guess what? He's back up there too. LOL! He hasn't been on in a few weeks though. He went to France a few weeks ago for a case, supposedly. He should be back by now, but notice he hasn't called. Well good. I've decided this time around I'm going to take my time and really get to know a guy, before I go into this type of relationship. I'm gonna look for someone I could have a real relationship with. Someone trully interested in me as I am.

The first guy that sent me a "kiss" was a 40 something i don't even know what he does. I emailed him back and asked him about his interests and he answered, "I'm pretty spontaneous." That means nothing to me. That doesn't even answer my question. He asked "what about you?" I decided to give him a similarly ambiguous answer. "I like trying new things." He hasn't answered yet.

The second guy was an ex-military, 44 year old. I really was trying to stay away from him, because I have two cousins who are in the military and have lived and worked in the same town he was from. But he emailed me. Immediately he was like "why don't you give me your email or number so we can chat?????????" I didn't answer because with all those damn ???????????, I could already see that he was gonna be exactly like old Sugar Daddy, all anxious and sexed up. Then I got another email from him: "Did you read my other email??????? Why don't you give me your number so we can talk????????" I thought, let me get this over with, so I gave him my email address. Later on he added me to his YIM buddy list. I accepted and then he sent a message in big bold black letters: "Let me give you my number so we can talk." I wrote back, "I wouldn't call you right away". He messaged, "Well you don't have to call. I can wait until you are comfortable." Obviously not. Then he asked what I wanted in an SD with lots of question marks afterwards. I said "Pay my bills." He said, "What bills???? You know you can't get anything without giving something in return." So I said, "All of them, like $1500/month." He said "Why don't you answer my question?????" I said, "I am answering your question. Is that a problem for you?" "Do you really think someone is going to just give you $1500 a month????? And that's not what I asked you, dumbass!!!! If you read, you'll see what I asked!!!! I am deleting your name right now!!!!!" I LOL'd him and told him to calm down with all his big bold letters and punctuations. That was the end of that.

I have met one nice guy though. He's a 39 yo with two advanced degrees who owns his own business. He's from back home. We've been emailing back and forth for a couple of days and it's been great. I have to think of a nickname for him. Let's see...I'll call him Burbs, cause he grew up in the suburbs.

I saw Burbs profile before he even attempted to contact me. He's really really cute. Exactly what I like. Pretty boy, light complexion, light brown eyes, curly hair. I was about to send him a "kiss" and favorite him, but when I read what he was looking for, I realized it was not me. He wanted 5'5", 120 lbs, with long hair. Try 5'5", more than 120 lbs (which is only 9 lbs from being underweight by the way), shoulder length hair when I wear it straight. He did acknowledge that beauty comes in different shapes and sizes and he appreciated an intelligent woman just as much. But I kept it moving anyway. I was surprised when I checked my mail a few days later, and his picture was staring back at me with a "kiss" that said "You're beautiful!" So I immediately emailed him and thanked him for the "kiss" and told him he was really cute. And we've been emailing ever since.

He reminds me of my most recent ex. A genuine good guy, fun to talk to, lots of interesting things to say, intelligent. Burbs!!!!!!!!! I like him!!!!!!!!

Catching up on my blogging

2008-02-05T23:30:00.000-05:00

I was watching making the band 4 the other night. The girls of Danity Kane were checking out the myspace page of one of the members of the boy band, i forget their name. It happen to be one that I like and saw at the airport in Pittsburgh when I hooked up with Radio back in September. I didn't say anything to him. He was on the phone the whole time. His friend and I think band mate smiled at me and said Hi. I said "Hey!". Then he started singing quietly. I was like okay I didn't ask you to sing. He obviously wanted me to come over and freak out like Oh my God! But I'm not the groupie type. I mean I might freak out from a far like when I saw Pharrell at a mall back home. But I would never go up like "Can I have your autograph? I love you!!!" I've only asked for an autograph from one celebrity and that's my cousin who's a famous female rapper. I felt real stupid cause my dad was like "We're so proud of you. Keep up the good work." And I came in like "Hey cuz can I get your autograph." Real corny. I know. I still have it somewhere.

Anyway, I'm mentioning the Danity Kane myspace search because it made me feel a little justified. I already know that we females will look up things about men before we get too involved with them. Having it on television just made me feel like alright, this is not out of the ordinary. It's being smart and ignoring any bad signs would be stupid.

I was talking to Curve yesterday. I told him about the situation with dude. He told me I needed to get him outta my system. He said I was stalking a bit by monitoring the myspace comments, but he said it's normal for the female sex to act that way. So I'm trying to get him outta my system and continuing to blog is my way of doing that. He told me that I need to start dating on my level. He's right, but unfortunately there aren't that many available men of color on my level. That's the plight of the highly educated black woman. A professor at my alma mater told us black women that most of us would end up marrying "below ourselves" cause there aren't enough black men getting degrees, let alone advanced degrees. Of course there are plenty of intelligent black men with plenty of integrity who don't have degrees. But most aren't even available. There are a few available blachelors in my program but most are gay or unattractive and the one fine one is currently living in another dimension from the rest of the human race, a place to which i do not want to venture. So yeah, I'm kinda left looking elsewhere. Too bad Curve is taken. He would be perfect for me. Super smart, got bank, insightful, honest, and he always has my back when I need him. He knows me better than any man on this earth. We're soulmates, but not life mates. We'll always love each other, though, regardless.

I finished the introduction to my master's paper. It's dificult transitioning from academic writing to blogging and then back. I forget how to spell words and avoid run on sentences. But blogging helps me to reflect and dump my thoughts, so I can concentrate on school. I probably won't have time for blogging when I have to go back into 4th year and start rotations again (most of which will be OB/GYN ie; 6 am rounding and no sleep). But at least I won't have to write anymore papers. I'm going to try to throw some Path electives in, cause I'm still considering being a forensic pathologist. I love anatomy and microscopy, teaching, and being a know it all and solving mysteries, and that's what pathologists do. I could be a gynocological oncologist, that's kinda mixing the two a bit. I don't know I have a few more months to decide. Daunting! I know!

Flow called me this morning. It was a pleasant surprise. I miss him. I wish he was closer. He still wants to go to Vegas. He said he applied for a new job to get him over a hump in his business. He had a few clients cancel on him. I hope he gets the job. I don't know why, but Flow decided to tell me a story about how he almost shot his wife about a month ago. Strange I know. He said she was yelling and going off at the mouth about me. So he pulled out his gun and was gonna shoot her but stopped himself. Maybe that's what she was calling me about at the end of December. Scary stuff. He told me that she was cheating on him about 5 years ago with her best friends brother. After that he decided he wouldn't be faithful to her anymore. I'm glad Flow shared these things with me. I hope he and I can get closer. I also hope he doesn't shoot me! LOL! I know he's not good for me, but I really do like him. My body loves him. I told him about what I did, even after the gun story. But Flow is used to me doing impulsive stuff. He's gotten bitten twice by me, but he knows why I did it and he's forgiven me as far as i can tell. He's sticking around, so I didn't hurt him that bad.

Woo. Blogging is my therapy and I'm sorry I compromised it. I needed to get all these thoughts out on canvas. I feel better now... Going baack to the world of Academia until next time...I bid you Adieu

Reflecting: Snitches, Double Entendres, and Labels (PC the Finale)

2008-02-05T22:21:00.004-05:00

MyHotComments

To my loyal readers: I am back up and running. Had a little set back there. Lots to update on. I had to get rid of over 16 entries about a particular person I was involved with. He found out about it and didn't appreciate me telling his business. It's my fault though. I got mad at him and sent the blog to a couple of his female friends on myspace. That was mean of me. But at the time, I really felt he deserved it after he dogged me like he did. But his name nor picture is associated with my blog anymore. I apologized and promised to leave him alone, so he should be cool now. I can continue blogging and he can go on doing whatever he does.

Double Entendre
I wanted one girl in particular to join my myspace, the one I believed he was fucking. She'd been leaving comments on his page, trying hard to get his attention while we were heavy in our thing. When I started back school, he took that time to get at her. At the time, I was only assuming (as he would call it) all of this. He kept deleting her comments, so I couldn't bring it up. He would just be like "What comments? There's nothing there. Why are you looking at my page anyway?" But after I got her to join my myspace, I got my answer from his comments on her page. He definitely was doing more than talking. I also confirmed that she was a fugly ass ho like I thought. 50% (rough estimate) of the girls that put their breasts or their asses or their bodies as their main pic, are ugly ass hoes. And she's one of them. I can't believe he stopped fucking me to fuck such an ugly dirty ass bitch. I could understand the other female I tried to get to join, who was gonna "stop thru" his crib "after she caught up on things". She shows her face in her pick and she's very pretty and a much classier broad than old fug face. I can't believe he even fucked her in close proximity to fucking me. God, I just threw up a little. She's a blatant freak, anyone can tell by her page. Some girls want the world to know. I thought he had more discretion than that. I definitely should have. If I'd know he was the way he is, I would've just stuck to my initial response to him, which was "No thanks". But no, I had to give in to his pleas. Shoulda known.
I'm gonna get an HIV test in 2 months after my potential antibodies are detectable. I'll be mad if I got some nasty STD because he wanted to mix me up with that nasty ho. I have to be more choosy in the future. I bet his nasty cold was a throat infection from eating her pussy. Oh God! I'm glad we stopped fucking. I don't want to contract nasty ho throat disease from kissing some dude that was eating a dirty ass broad. It's so clear now. God works in mysterious ways.
I still don't get why he erased her messages though. I suppose to hide them from me, but why do that. Just tell me don't keep me hanging on. That's what pissed me off. Of course he continued to claim, even after all this, that she is just a friend (yeah right) and he never fucked her. Finger to the cheek, pointing to the eye, and giving him a side eye right about...now. A little french gesture I learned in middle school. Basically means I'm not believing you. What's the point of continuing to lie? Actually, I would have done the same. I've done the same. It's important to maintain your innocence, that way you always look like an angel and your ex can look back and say well she never cheated, she was good to me.
Double Entendre

LABELS
He probably told her that everything I wrote was a lie and that I'm a stalker. And she probably believed him, dumb bitch. But if he called me a stalker, I could call him a predator. The predator that sought me out on the internet, checked out all my pictures, fantasized about being with me, convinced me to meet him in the middle of the night to have sex, told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, wanted to have kids with me, wanted to live with me, wanted me around, used me to drive around, get quick cash loans, and then left me high and dry for the next flavor of the month. I mean that is what predators do, right. But if I want to be REAL, we are neither of those things. We are just two people who want so badly to feel loved that we'll do anything for it. Even so called "stalk" or "prey".
And maybe I shouldn't label that snitch a dumb bitch or dirty ho. I mean she just wants to be appreciated and she uses her body to get that appreciation. I've done the same in my lifetime. And of course she's gonna snitch and believe him because that's how you get trust, respect, and appreciation. Even if it is fleeting and superficial. It's enough to make you happy for the time being. Sometimes it's okay to live in the moment. Many times it's not.
He left me with a nice souvenier/parting gift. Not much of a gift since I stayed up until 4 am helping him make it. I should have charged him for my time, but i exchanged my time for what I perceived as unyielding trust, respect, and appreciation. And I earned it. After that long night, he let me fill out some forms with his personal business information like I was his personal assistant. But alas, the trust was fleeting and superficial. Maybe I'll label the souvenier and pass it to my cousin...Naaaa. I'll leave it alone and move on.
LABELS

Let it Flow

2008-01-27T14:33:00.001-05:00

Flow's friend called me from Flow's phone yesterday. I thought it was Flow at first, but then he was like "This is 'Flow's' friend from New York." I was dissapointed and wondering why the hell he was calling me from Flow's phone. He said he was using Flow's phone while down here and saw my text messages. I had sent him two messages telling him that he hasn't been there for me and I needed him cause I was sad. The friend was like "I don't want you to be sad. I'll pay for a hotel for you and bring Flow there to see you." He was going to surprise him. Said he just wanted to help us try to work things out and get back together. I was skeptical. I mean Flow hadn't been calling me or answering my phone calls, so I couldn't see how his friend would get him to see me. Also I feared his friend was going to try to take advantage of me.

I got down there and waited and waited and waited like I always do for Flow. While waiting, I got to thinking: This was all a plot to get me to drive down here. Flow has probably been in on it the whole time. He knew I wouldn't drive all the way down there unless he could pull off a stunt like this. Damn it! Oh well I really did want to see him, since I'd been feeling so down and Papi Chulo was acting like I just couldn't do it for him anymore. I know Flow will enjoy me. He loves everything I do. I'll feel wanted and needed when I'm with him.

So when he finally got there I was really happy to see him. We hugged and kissed, but we didn't talk much. He stripped of my clothes then his. We started making love. And in the middle we just held each other as our bodies connected in the most intimate way. No words just touching and looking in each others' eyes. Listening with our souls. That's how making love should always be. However, when we started getting into it again He stopped to go pee. I waited on the bed. Suddenly I heard him throwing up. I rushed over to the bathroom. I was like Oh God I made him sick. But he said he had eaten some Mexican food that was apparently not agreeing with him. Flow's had food poisoning, plus he smokes and drinks, so I was scared for him. I got him a cold damp cloth and put it on his neck as he continued to barf. Then I left him to relief himself from the other end. I started to put on my clothes and I asked him if he needed me to go to the store to get him something. He said no and told me to take my clothes back off and go lay in the bed. So I did and waited for him to get back in with me. When he got back we finished our love making session. Then he had to leave and go to a bachelor party. There's always something for him to do afterward.

He said he'd be back, but of course he never came back. And of course he hasn't called me today. I suppose he won't call all week. I suppose I'll be alone for a while. Which I guess is okay since I have so much work to do, that I've been avoiding.

Update, Project Runway style

2008-01-22T15:53:00.000-05:00

Flow, You are out!

Sugar Daddy, You are the winner! You may leave the Runway.

Sug is back in effect. He says he's sorry he let me go. He's just lonely as all get up. He gave me a little cash yesterday. I can deal with that.

Flow doesn't care about me. He claims his 3 cars aren't running right, so he can't come see me. I guess this is when I am supposed to jump in my little truck and go down there to see him. Not happening. He is so ghetto and run down. I can't stand him anymore. If you really want me in your life, then get it together and show me. I won't be calling him anymore.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Well...

2008-01-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

maybe I won't rest on the men for as long as I thought.

So I was sitting at home today, going over some stuff for my 2pm class, when my phone rang. And guess who it was. Flow! I had thought about calling him on Sunday when I was all upset about XXXXX, but I didn't. I was surprised to hear from him. I thought he was still mad at me, but he's not. Actually he's probably just lonely, but so am I. We had a nice talk and we're gonna try this thing again. He says he's gonna be more open and honest with me, but I doubt it. I should probably just tell him I'm not interested, but the problem is that I am interested. I like some aspects of the relationship we had. I was his hot little mama and he was my handsome older man. That is something I missed with XXXXXXX. I was apparently just another girl that comes a dime a dozen and he was really bossy in bed, which got worse that last week we were together. He had to have control of every moment. I couldn't just be free, I had to do it his way. "Move like this, kiss like this, leg here, knee there, eyes front, shoulders back" It was like learning to do the waltz. Made me feel awkward. And he would always go way too deep. Even though I would tell him and he'd adjust it, he'd eventually go right back to it. And then he'd complain "The first time was the best." Um yeah, cuase you were actually endearing and allowed me to move on my own volition. But whatever we won't be doing that again. Flow never complained and he always loves it. And I enjoy loving him, so we're gonna be cool.

Contemplating (PC Part III)

2007-12-27T23:55:00.002-05:00

I went to Chulo's house on Christmas night. We had been texting eachother all day and finally I called him around 8pm and he anwered. He went into this story about his girlfriend. They had a huge blow up and he kicked her out. He asked me to come over and make him feel better. So I did and I brought him a plate of food.

His house is old, but he's remodeling. His studio looks much better than the rest. His girlfriend was also completing her studio there. He'd bought her some nice equipment. He has 5 pitt bulls that live inside and two that stay outside. I'm scared of dogs, but my days of watching Cesar Milan on the dog whisperer have helped me to be more calm around them. Plus Chulo wasn't having any of my scaredy cat behavior. He was like "Come on Mami, don't act that way. " So I had to man up.

We had a nice night and he let me experience the studio. It was really nice.

I can't help but want to take that girl's spot, but I have a feeling he's gonna take her back in. He'll probably marry her and still try to fuck me. He actually asked me about that while we were making love. He said "Can I still have you even if I get married." I thought to myself, why am I always the other woman. He's always playing around about marrying me, but all of a sudden I'm not even in the running. It's ridiculous. But I told him I would. Then I told him if I get married I'm gonna be faithful to my husband, so things wouldn't continue the other way around. He seemed okay with that.

But like I said I want him to drop her. She's no good for him. She's a headache for him and he's really stressed out behind her. I make him feel better, he wouldn't even have any hassle with me. He could keep the studio he made for her cause I would use it for myself. I'd cook for him and keep things clean, I'd even help him remodel. I would love to have someone to come home to and clean up for and make love to. I would love to listen to his music all day long and help him compose beats. I think he would like having me around. I'd have his kid even. Later in life of course, but I'd go half on a baby with him. He's a good guy. I really like him.

I hope that we can really actually be in a real relationship. I want to have his heart for real. Not just to help him get through this time, but to help him get through life. We'll see how it goes though. He says he loves me, but he may just be desperate to feel something for someone. Either way it will all work out. I know.

Flow's wife called me again. I'm sure she found out that he and I were still seeing each other after she talked to me. Well I didn't answer and hopefully she drops it. I don't want to deal with them anymore.

This time I'm for real

2007-12-19T16:33:00.000-05:00

Last night as I was about to walk out the hotel room door and head to what I was hoping was Flow's house, my phone rang. It was him. "You okay? I'm on my way." He saved himself. But he didn't show up until over an hour later and once there he acted like he was going to stay the night. I looked at his wallet and he got really mad. I saw a picture of his son, that was it, but he snatched it from me. He was like, "That's personal." Then his "brother" called him on my phone from Flow's phone. I was thinking "That's personal. He didn't even ask for permission to allow someone to call my phone for him." Anyway, I asked him if he going to be leaving but he didn't say anything, until after we had sex. He was like "I have to go to the hospital. My brother is picking me up." I was dissapointed in him. I should have gone to his home as soon as he left, but I was tired.

This morning as I was packing up to leave the hotel, he called and once again complained about me looking in his wallet, "You should never look in a man's wallet. Remember that for the future." I said "Whatever." and hung up on him. I was tired of his Svengali attitude. I was heading back home but I decided to try to go to the address again. I thought maybe it would be an old address or someone else's address, but there was his van right infront of his home. I called him and called him again while driving around his neighborhood. I called him and asked where he was. He said at a work site. I asked if I could come talk to him. He said no. I thought maybe he could be at work in his suburban. I left his neighborhood and was about to head home, but something told me to go back. I went back and there was his suburban in the drive way. I called him and called him he didn't answer. Finally, he called me back "I was with a customer. You can't keep calling me. I'm working." I decided to park down the street where I could see him leaving and follow him. I sat for about 20 minutes and finally I saw movement at his house. One guy was throwing a football. I couldn't see to who. Another guy walked around the back to throw out some trash. Then his fan pulled out of his street and I started on my pursuit. The light stopped me at a corner and he turned and got on the highway. I thought I would lose him before he noticed me following him. The light changed and I got to the exit. He had stopped on the side of the exit ramp and someone that looked like his cousin was running across the lane to pick up some strip of material off the road. I stopped for him and stared into the side view mirror. As his cousin got back in the van I waited for Flow to pull back out onto the ramp. He looked in his side view to see if he was clear. He stared right back at me and kept looking. I started smiling cause I knew he saw me. Once on the highway he started looking around the car and in his rearview. I could tell he was telling people in the car I was following him. He pulled off the next exit. I kept driving on to go home. I looked at my phone about an hour later and realized I had it on vibrate and he had called me several times.

I'm not calling him back. I think I accomplished what I needed to be able to move on. He lied. I knew he was lying. I proved it and he saw that I knew it. That's enough for me.

I don't really wanna go

2007-12-18T21:55:00.000-05:00

Well I'm sitting here alone in a hotel room in Flow's home town at 9:56 at night. Why?

He called this morning to let me know that his sister was in the hospital with a high fever. She just had major surgery last week and she's still in the hospital. From my experience people only stay in the hospital long if they have complications after the surgery. Otherwise they ship people out after a day or two or send them to rehab. Maybe she's in rehab. Anyway, so he asked me to come to him. I should have just said know. But I came.

When I got here he took forever to come meet me. Then he told me that he was working today and he wasn't going to be able to spend much time withe me. Then he told me he may not be able to spend the night with me because he was going to sit with his sister at the hospital. Now I hate to sound mean, but I don't believe him at all. Honestly I don't even think his sister is in the hospital. And is she is, the woman has a daughter and a boyfriend that can spend the night with her. He claims they don't get along and if I was sick in the hospital and I didn't like my brother, I wouldn't be too excited about him staying overnight with me. But like I said I don't believe him at all.

Flow is probably at home with his wife and 3 kids. I just called and he picked up and then hung up. I tried calling back and he didn't answer. So if he does call back I know exactly what he'll say. I was at the hospital with my sister and I'm gonna have to stay with her. Or he'll wait 'til tomorrow when I call him and say something similar. He's is such a liar and I am foolish for dealing with him. I know. And this is the last straw. I'm ready to drop him. I'm ready to let go.

Actually I'm ready to see if the address connected to his business on the yellow pages is his house and if he is there.

I did it (PC Part II)

2007-12-17T20:57:00.002-05:00

I was bored.
I was wrong.
But I did it.
Yesterday I noticed Papi Chulo online on myspace. So I asked him a question about the music on his page. I don't know why. I think deep inside I was hoping he would want to see me, but still I wasn't quite sure I wanted to do anything. Well he asked me what I was doing that night. I said nothing. He asked if I wanted to see him. I said sure. He asked if I could where a black thong and bra set. I started thinking great I'm going to meet a serial murderer who like to kill women in black thong and bra sets. I told him I didn't have a set because I buy my stuff a la carte. He LOL'd and said he would buy me one for Christmas or Valentine's. Why do men lie?

Anyway, I told him I had a black thong and he said wear that. He told me where to meet him and told me I could drive his car back to my place. Well I drove out to meet him at a gas station. When he pulled up and got out of his car the first thing I noticed was how short he was. I was taller than him in my heels. But the second thing I noticed is how cute he was, so I could overlook the height deficit. He looked exactly like his picture. Short black hair, big juicy lips, hovered by a thin stache and long eyelashes. I love long eyelashes on a man.

Anywho, I drove his car back to my place. He explained to me that he couldn't drive at night because he just got his licenced revoked for a DUI. So we go get some drinks from Harris Teeter and go to my apartment. While in the car he tells me, "you know you're in the presence of a legend." I said really. He went on to explain about his business and how nobody can mess with him and made himself out to be some kind of big boss or something. Which honestly he probably is locally with all the local artists he works with and being in a gang and all.

So once we got in my apartment I was my usual paranoid nervous self conscious self and I immediately started drinking the Mike's Hard Lime he bought me. He wanted to hug and cuddle at bit. He complemented me on my teeth, lips, thighs, and ass. It was a nice start. Then we kissed. He likes to suck when he kisses. That's definitely something I am not used to. It can be igniting, but it hurts a little. Then we proceeded to take off our clothes and he was engrossed by my thong clad behind. "You got a big ass mami. You just swallow up that thong. I like that. Let me kiss it. You got the best ass in the world." Why do men lie? So then we started getting hot and heavy and he he pulled me up to sit on his face. I was like I can't believe he's doing this. I just met him. But he's a freak obviously. So he licked and licked and he was pretty good. So I gave a little of the same and then the real sex started. He has a nice thick schlong. It was dark in the room but it looked perfectly straight and proportional. He's not circumcised which most latinos aren't. I had only experienced an uncircumcised penis once before with a dominican guy I used to mess with in college. But I consider dominicans black because well they are. He kept giving me these long slow deep strokes which felt really good. And he was talking to me like the whole time. "Can I give it to you like this mami? Am I going to slow? You like that mami." It was great. Then he started going really fast and then slow again and medium and then he went on his side and gave it to me like that. It was blowing my mind. It was like he was composing a track on my body, with different tempos and textures and colors and moods. It was so good. I loved it. We did it twice that night. The second time something happened that never happened before. I got really tight out of now where and I could really feel him inside me. He was like "Your pussy is sucking my dick mami." I was like yeah cause you feel so good. He did feel good, but I didn't know why my vajayjay decided to tighten up like that. When all was done. I laid my head on his chest. It felt so perfect laying in his arms. Then he began to explain to me about how 911 was an inside job. He is a true conspiracy theorist. He told me about aliens living in the earth and the CIA/Big Brother and he's a huge proponent of Ron Paul a 2008 presidential candidate. It's funny because I like Ron Paul too but he says "they" won't let him be president because he's gonna fix everything. It was interesting and I was happy to listen to him. He told me I was a good listener and I probably think he's crazy now. Yes I do think he's a tad crazy but I like it and he's a good lover. One thing I noticed is that when he was talking he kept doing dome weird thing with his breathing. It was like his breathing would get stopped up suddenly and then open up again. He later told me that he has trouble swallowing and one of his tonsils got really big when he was little and never went down. I think he might have a tumor, but he says he has no health insurance to get it checked out. I look at it next time we're together.

Flow called me today. We talked pretty much the whole afternoon. I was very happy with him and he seemed to be in a good mood. He's coming here tomorrow to spend hopefully the whole day with me. I am truly looking forward to that. I haven't seen him in such a long time and I'm craving him. I want to run my fingers through his hair and stare into his greenish grayish brown eyes and love him down! I can't wait. I been doing kegel excercises all day.

I talked to the ex I hate. He is such an idiot. He called this morning to tell me that he thought about what I said about how he doesn't listen to anybody, particularly the women in his life, when they tell him what he's doing wrong. He said "I just have the natural ability to only listen to wise counsel. You are not wise. You have never been through anything in your life. So why would I listen to you." Hmml, his last little sting. I just told him to ask his wife what she thinks of him. She knows him most intimately and she'll tell him the truth. He didn't like that. He let me know he wouldn't be asking her. I told him that he'll never be able to be in a healthy relationship with a women until he's willing to acknowledge where he needs to change. Of course he didn't agree cause I'm not wise enough. Aaaarrrgh he makes me mad. His very existence is an abomination to my soul. I hate him.

Why do I attract or am I attracted to men without moms and dads? My ex that I hate's parents abandoned him, Flow's parents died when he was young, and XXXXX's parents were murdered. I don't know.

Oh Hum... (PC Part I)

2007-12-16T21:38:00.000-05:00

I talked to the ex I used to hate and hate once again today. We always end up talking about our past relationship. I asked him some questions from my mini DSM-IV book. One question was "when you get angry have you ever hit someone?" He said no. I asked "Not any more?" He said I never hit you. I said you punched me in the arm when I told you to shut the fuck up when you were yelling at me while I was trying to park. He denied it. Then said "You hit me". I asked "Do you remember punching me in the leg repeatedly after you said I insulted you infront of my family?" He said, "I did not. That never happen. That is a lie." We got into a big argument and by the end he was like "I just need to know if we are going to have sex." I said "I cannot be intimate with you because you will not acknowledge that the issues you have keep you from being able to have an intimate long term relationship with a woman." He said "Well that's fine. Thanks for letting me know. That will be it for us." The boy is demented. I really wanted to tell him that he has too many feminine qualities and he needs a women with more male qualities that will balance him out. I think the fact that his mom, father, and grandmothers have abandoned him throughout life have affected him more than he is willing to let on. I told him when we were together he should see a therapist about it, but he won't do it.

Flow went to ATL without telling me. He's such a cutie I know he probably picked up another girlfriend there if he doesn't still have the same one his wife said she found out about before. He's supposed to be back tomorrow and said he'll call me. But I learned recently that means I should call him.

A Papi Chulo is tryna sleep with me. He discovered me on myspace. He is an independent music producer in a nearby city. He says I'm fine and he has a girlfriend but he wants to have sex with me. I need to remember to get that "I'm a slut" tattoo removed from my forehead. Men...ugh. But I've always wanted to sleep with a latino guy. He's very attractive and muscular with thick lips and hazel eyes, so i'll think about it. If Flow shows a little more consistence, I won't have to. But Chulo gave me his number and I'm gonna used it if I have to.

Meanwhile, I talked to Das Weiner on the IM. He let me know he has a girlfriend by saying "I gotta run (girlfriend coming)". Oh thanks for letting me know. I guess they are going strong maybe. He seems to be hiding me from her. Other than that he didn't say anything. He did say he'll send me more money in the future. Yay me!

Let it Flow

2007-12-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

Das Weiner answered my email. He sent a picture of him sitting at his desk at work. I sent a picture of me sitting in my car. I was expecting him to be really anxious to get my number but he didn't even mention it. I asked why he gave me money, but he hasn't answered yet. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he meant to give it to his sister, both our names begin with K. I don't know.

I guess Flow and I are officially back together. He asked me to marry him over the phone. Of course I said no and told him if he was really serious he wouldn't ask over the phone and he would provide an engagement ring. He said "You'll get the ring when you say I do." I was like no and I explained exactly the way the process should occur and told him when he's serious he'll do it right. I also told him that I had been proposed to twice in similar ways and I've never been married so...what does that tell him. I said yes both times. But if a guy is really serious he'll do what he's supposed to do. Get down on one knee, tell me how he can't imagine life without me, and then pull out a ring. Now this was all after he asked me why I love him and then corrected my reason for loving him. I mean if you don't like the reason I give for loving you then why would you ask me to marry you 5 minutes later? I don't know. And then after all this, asked me if I was fucking some other man. Flow is just so emotional. I really would like to have a good relationship with him, but he's starting to make it difficult. He's gonna have to move me up on his list of priorities and start romancing me a bit more. I'm still a woman. I can be patient, accomodating, and understanding but I'm still a woman that wants to be nutured and cared for.

And out of nowhere...

2007-12-13T16:14:00.000-05:00

I was looking over my bank statement on line this morning and I noticed a strange deposit from and account I wasn't familiar with. I started to panic a bit thinking ID theft, but why would a thief give me money. Then I looked at the details of it was from an old flame. He had my account info because I let him borrow some money a long time ago and he payed me back by just depositing the money directly in my account. But he finished paying me back last year. And after he payed me back he stopped calling and stopped answering, so I erased his number from my pone. So why did he put $5 in my account today? I have no idea. Apparently he want to contact me. Well I don't have any other way than to try to go through AIM but he hasn't been on there since like '04. I sent an IM and email. All I can do now is wait.

His nickname is Das Weiner. My cousin and friend made that name up for him when I showed them his house back in under grad. It had a traingular roof like the local Das Weiner drive thru. He was a Navy sailor. I remember two things about Das. 1 he had the biggest dick I'd ever seen. The first time we tried to do it, we couldn't. He was just too big. I brought some lubricant the next time and it was successful, but...and this brings me to the #2 most rememberable thing about...It lasted about 2 minutes if that long. Everytime we did it, it would be over after a couple of minutes. It was dissapointing. I still liked him though. He was a nice guy, but poor. He never took me out and I let him borrow money a couple of times. He paid me back everytime though and he always used condoms.

I met Das on the night i first smoked weed. We (friend, and I) smoked at my 2nd big brothers house. My cousin was there but she opted out. We went to a jam afterward and I was still a little high and feeling free. I noticed a cute light skinned guy starting at me. He was actually siting 2 feet away from my cousin and would not take his eyes off me. I sat right next to him and started a conversation. He asked me for some of my gum. We danced a bit and then snuck away into a corner. I wanted to make out with him, but I didn't want to look bad in front of cousin and friend and other people from school. He whispered in my ear, "What's up with getting with you tonight?" I said, "What's up with getting to know me first." He was a little stunned. But he took my number. I didn't think he'd call.

He surprised me a couple of days later with a phone call. He invited me and my friends to hang with him and his navy friends on valentines day. We showed up at their house, watched TV, laughed and joked around. They had been smoking weed and took niacin to try to purge their systems. Das asked me to follow him into the kitchen. I did and he showed me how his skin was turning red from the niacin. Then he put his arms around me and kissed me. It was pretty romantic, then it got raunchy and he started lifting up my skirt. I had to slow him down. He really caught me off guard, but I loved it. A week later I decided to give him some since he was going out to sea soon. While he was out to see, he asked if I could send him naked pictures of me. I told him I didn't have pictures like that, but i told him I would send him pictures of girls from onlline. He liked that so everyday while he was away that's what I did. When he got back we started seeing eachother again. It lasted quite sometime, but I knew he wasn't exclusive. He told me early on that he didn't want a girlfriend. When the school year was over he did drive the 20 minutes to my parents house to bring me back to his house so we could have sex. He met my mom but he was so nervous.

Years later he told me that he was stupid for being nervous around my mom. He wanted me to be his girl. But I was with my most recent ex. That was back in '04.

Anyway I don't know what's gonna happen next.

Talked to the ex I used to hate. He is already to divorce his wife and be with me. I'm trying to get him to pull the reigns because he doesn't know what's going to happen with us and he is already starting to get on my nerves. He told me to shut up, go to hell, and called me diabolic all in one conversation. To him it's joking and being funny, but to me it's going to far. I try to tell him, but this dude doesn't back down. I'm sure his wife will be glad to get rid of him, sounds like they argue alot.

Gosh Darnit

2007-12-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

I broke down like an idiot big time. I did like 20 million bad things today out of boredom. Someone stop me.

I talked to my ex. The abusive one that I hate. Well I guess I don't hate him as much cause I IM'd him today and we talked for a while. Next thing I knew I was watching him masturbate on his webcam and promised to go out and have sex with him this Saturday. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I desperate? What is happening?

Then I broke down and text messaged Flow: "You must be back with your ex. Ike Turner is dead." He didn't like that message at all. I told him I was upset cause he hung up on me. He said his phone battery went dead. There's something wrong with it and he's gonna get a new one tomorrow. I felt like an idiot. The phone went dead again. He called me back and said he would call me when he got a new phone. He also said that he had been at the hospital all day with his sister who had vascular surgery. And his wisdom tooth chipped and cut his tongue so it's been uncomfotable for him to talk. Anyway, he's like not happy with me at all. I'm officially a headache now, I guess. I can't help it. I know I'm being annoying but i can't help it.

I've also been talking to my most recent ex. But nothing is going to come of that. He contacted me first, just wanting to know how I'm doing. I'm just waiting for him to be like "I miss you. I love you. Let's get back together."

I really don't want to be with anyone right now at this exact moment. I'm tired.

I didn't pay my rent this month. Sug said he'd help me. He never came by earlier this week. But he said he'll try to put something together by tomorrow.

I reposted my profile on the sugardaddy site. There are a lot of new SD's on there though, so I was kinda excited.

I really hate my life right now. If I died right now, I would not be upset. I don't think anyone else would be too sorely upset either. Sure they'd be sad I'm gone and cry, but no one would be lost without me. That is a sad thought. But I think about it sometimes. I barely keep up with my family as it is. I would never kill myself or anything. That's out of the question. Then I think about how so many people have it a lot worse off and would love to trade places with me and it gets me through another day until I feel on top of the world again. Sounds bi-polar, but I'm not. I just get really down sometimes. My most recent ex was the first to really pick up on it. He would try to help me by writing long letters about how I should talk to other women in the church and stop being such a sinner. It would just make me feel worse and resent him, which ultimately led to our break up. I mean who wants their boyfriend chastising them all the time, looking down on them for their shortcomings. Not me.

Who's gonna be able to deal with me?

I'm about to send my ex I used to hate an email. Stop me! Too late. Arrrrg.

He wasn't all bad. He gave me flowers, lots of gifts, took me out all the time, gave me spending money, loved me to pieces, and he was an awesome lover. He just would get jealous and needy. He says he changed. My hunch is he has a little, but he could go back into his old ways with the right trigger. I wouldn't let him get out of hand though.

Exit Flow

2007-12-12T11:24:00.000-05:00

I got a text message from Flow yesterday afternoon: "Hello, Call me" So I did. I wish I hadn't. At first he acted like he just wanted to say hi. Then he says, "I want some and I don't know what to do." I asked him if he had any ideas. He said, "No, do you want some?" I told him I just wanted to see him and if I got some in the meantime that would be great. He said, "You don't seem to excited." Well I'm not. I was a little hesitant. I was scared. What if he's setting me up. He could have spent this time away plotting a plan against me. He had to get off the phone and said he would call me back. I waited a while and decided to call to see if he wanted to meet that night. He said tomorrow(today) would be better. Then he asked me the weirdest question out of the blue. "Where'd you get money from?" I stuttered. I had told him last week that I didn't have any money. I didn't want to tell him I had gotten money from Curve. I said, "Um, I have a little money." The line went dead. I thought maybe we lost the signal. But on multiple attempts to call him back, I failed to reach him. He didn't call me.

So "No more". Curve was right. Flow is ghetto and so are all the people dealing with him. That's not me. I grew up in the country and the suburbs. Ghetto mentality is different from where I grew up. We live by a different code in the burbs. I hate to say a higher code, because the values they hold are a result of their environment. In the ghetto, it's okay to lie to keep people out of your business. It's okay to steal. It's okay to buy cheap stolen goods. It's okay to carry a weapon. It's okay to fight for pride. It's okay to spread your seed around and father lots of kids. It's okay to have a baby at 15. It's common place. Sure there are exceptions but for the most part that's how it is.

Anyway, I can't deal with Flow anymore. There are 3 guys in my hometown waiting for me to get back there for winter break, so I don't have to sit here and deal with his bullshit. He's going to have to come with something different if he wants to be with me.

The 3 guys: Curve, Hugz, and Jokes
you already know Curve.

Hugz is my big brother from college. All freshman are adopted by a big brother or sister. Ususally they pick you after meeting you in class, at a jam or cabaret, or in the cafe. They take you to Walmart and to the parties, buy you alcohol, etc. Often you end up eventually sleeping with them. But Hugz was different. I picked him as my big brother and we never slept together. I did have a huge crush on him though. I remember the first time I saw him in the cafeteria during pre-college. He was such a hottie. I couldn't stop staring at him. A beautiful girl with long hair, in full make up and wearing a cute suit, walked over to his table and gave him a hug. They talked a bit and then she left to get her food. He turned to his friend and said, "She is fine." His friend agreed. After that, I knew he would never be into me. I was this akward teenage girl and that "fine" girl looked like a well put together woman. Besides he didn't even notice me in the cafe.

My best friends in pre-college got around a little better than I did and they had met a couple of big brothers for us to hang with, so we did. We made plans to go to the Omega Psi Phi "Q" cabaret. We were to meet at one of my friends dorms and ride with one of their big brothers and his friends. I was wearing a short black skirt and cute top. A little black car pulled up infront of the dorm. We all looked to see if it was my friends big brother. In the passenger seat I recognized the guy from the cafeteria. I began to get butterflies. "That's him. How are we all gonna get in there? I'm sitting in the back.", my friend called out. I couldn't believe it. I was going to get to meet that hottie from the cafe. All the other girls scrambled into the back seat. I had no choice but to sit in the front in the hottie's lap. I wasn't mad though, I was in heaven. We introduced ourselves and I thanked him for lettting me sit in his lap and being such a gentleman. At the cabaret we danced together but of course he danced with lots of different girls. As the summer went on I learned more about him. I talked to him on the phone, asked him to be my big brother. He was so nice and always a gentleman. But the weird thing was whenever I saw him around campus or at parties, it seemed like he would hug me the longest. It wasn't my imagination. I would watch as he hugged everyone else and it wasn't the same. So that's why I'm calling him hugs. I confessed my like to Hugz once in college and he just said, "oh your very sexy and beautiful but we're just friends." I was dissapointed but it was okay. I just wanted him to stop giving me those long caressing hugs, it was confusing. There was a running joke that he didn't have a scrotum because he never slept with any girls and never had a girlfriend, even though girls were always after him. But he's dated girls that I found out about. Apparently he's very romantic and kinda worships the woman he's with.

So after school I hooked back up with Hugz on myspace. We talk on there every once in a while. He's a salesman and has an internet business (whatever that means). This summer I went to his house with a couple of friends. One knew him through me. He served us salsa and chips and soda, and we listened to music. Then he practiced his sales pitch for a new product. It was cute. When we left, he did it again, just like old time. The long slow hug. This time he looked me in the eyes all sexy and wrapped his arms around my waiste. I put my arms around his neck, cause that just seemed natural and next thing I knew I was fighting the urge to start making out with him. He went to hug everyone else and they were no where near as intimate and long as mine. There he goes again. Well recently he emailed me and asked to take me to dinner, so that's what we're planning to do while I'm home during the break.

I'll talk about Jokes another time.

Boooooo!

2007-12-05T19:56:00.000-05:00

So I talked to Flows wife last night. She called me. I told her everything. She told me everything. I wouldn't have done this if Flow wasn't such a liar. He told me that she was his ex wife, which I figured was probably a lie and could deal with it if she wasn't, but since he didn't want to be honest with me and has lied about so many things I just spilled my guts. He called this morning angry with me. He said "Because of you I can't see my son." I asked "if that's your ex, why does she care that much." He didn't have an anwer. I told him I knew about all his criminal history and I knew how old he really was. He continued to lie and deny. In the end I was very nice to him. I let him know that I still cared about him and that I was sorry things had to end like this.

Well...that's it.

I talked to Curve about it. In fact he's the one that told me I should talk to Flows wife. I probably shouldn't have listened to him, since he still likes me, but he was right. I have to look out for myself ultimately.

Sug is supposed to come over tomorrow to make me feel better.

I think I want to start body building. I've actually wanted to do it since undergrad. But this new year I'm actually gonna start. It will give me something to do for myself. I need to do something for me, since no one else will.

I miss Flow

What to do...What to do...

2007-11-24T13:42:00.000-05:00

Some women keeps calling me from Flow's home town. The first time she called it was like 7am. She asked for Sylvia. I had a feeling she really wanted to ask if I knew Flow. After that she started calling me from a retricted number. I anwered once but no one said anything. Today she left a message saying that she needed to talk to me about a mutual friend of ours and that it was very important that I call her back. I really don't want to call her right now. I need to talk to Flow first, but he has been MIA since the day before Thanksgiving. I guess this is his wife, girlfriend, baby mama, case manager, or parole officer. Could even be his sister or great aunt or something. I don't know. All I know is that I need to talk to Flow and give him a chance to tell me what's going on.

My Man

2007-11-18T21:19:00.000-05:00

I love Flow so much. I went to Charlotte Saturday to see Flow. It didn't start out all that great. He was with his cousin getting his van worked on. Once I got to Charlotte he wasn't able to meet me right away. He had me meet him about an hour after I got there, in the projects where his cousing lived. he sat talking to his cousin for another hour, smoking and drinking beer. I sat in my car, talking to my friend on the phone, spilling the details of this crazy encounter. He called me over to the car, so I could meet his cousin. He also took the time to show me his receipts and contracts for his work, to let me know he was legit I suppose. Then he gave me a copy of a cd by one of the artists he manages and asked me to got listen to it while he finished up with his cousin. After about 15 minutes they started looking like they were about to leave. He put his bag in my car. But then he was like, "I'm going to smoke a little more" So I sat there for another 10 minutes and talked to my friend on the phone. Finally he stepped in my car.

He directed me to where we were going. We were heading toward the Ramada, but then he asked me if I was hungry. I was like "Yes!!!" I thought he'd never ask. So we went to this bar and got drinks and food. We toasted to our first date. He said he felt privledged being next to me. Then he started singing to me freestyle. I thought it was so cute and sweet. We talked about various things. He said one of his buddies wanted him to get into selling weed. I told him he didn't have to do that. He has a legitamite non-illegal way of making money, no need to do that. I'm sure he would make lots of money. Then we discussed how we believe marijuana should be legalized. He ended up telling me that he wanted to take me around the world and basically he was offering me alot. I was like I'm so lucky. We got our tab and he showed it to me and threw down a $100 bill. I was like wow great.

So we ended up not going to Ramada, probably because I was a little more than tipsy and couldn't drive. Somehow my head got in his lap and we ended up at the Garden Inn and Suites. He gave me another $100 bill and I got a room while he parked. The hotel was about half a star up from where we had stayed before. I guess I moved up in his world. That's nice.

Flow is the best. I really love him.

Sug called me Friday night. I have no idea why. I really wanted to be like leave me alone, but I am way too nice. He asked if he could check on me sometime. I told him yeah. He asked if he could come see me. I said no. We are over as far as I am concerned. I'm sure he won't call again. The cheap DVD player he bought me broke, so I returned it.

Intoxicated

2007-11-12T00:31:00.001-05:00

Flow said those three words a girl longs to hear. He said, "I love you" on the phone tonight. I'm pretty elated right now. I feel like running around outside and singing an improv broadway tune/disney movie theme song that would go something like this: "He said 'I love you' 'I love you' 'I love you' Those three words a womans heart longs to know. 'I love you' 'I love you' 'I love you' A phrase that causes a girls face to glow, when she gives her all to a man and he turns to her and says 'I love you' 'I love you' 'I love you.' That's what he said" Flutes, violins, horns. In come the animated birds and butterflies whistling and fluttering. aaaah! so beautiful. so free.

I left him a message like two days ago singing him this Chaka Khan song called "Stay". I actually sang the version by Erykah Badu. He loved it. I felt he needed to hear that song and know that I'm here for him, I know life can be hard and things get tough but with the good Lord guiding our steps life will turn out beautiful for us. That's what I believe the song is about. I think it made him feel better about the whole thing with my sister and with the different issues he faces from time to time.

Yeah, I'm gonna marry him. I am. or maybe I'll eat my words and wish I'd listened to my sister. Either way, I'm still going to be happy right now! WOOOOO!

Family

2007-11-06T09:23:00.000-05:00

So I talked to my sister about Flow. I told her that I'm developing strong feelings for him. She's not happy. She never is happy when I tell her good news. Sharing in your happiness is an after thought for her. First she has to ask you a series of questions to prove that you really shouldn't be happy. So she asked me a bunch of questions about Flow. I was able to answer the majority of them, but when she started asking about his ex wife and child I didn't want to share what he's told me and he hasn't discussed the details of his marriage with me. I let her know that she really didn't need to know anything about that. She said I can't possibly have feelings for someone when I don't know anything about them. So because I couldn't answer one thing about him I don't know anything about him. I told her I'm still getting to know him. I don't have to know every detail of a person's past inorder to have feelings for them. I told her it's okay to got with your heart and do what you want and what makes you happy. Sure you risk making mistakes and getting your heart broken. That is life. That is how you grow up to be an old wise person. Why should I be sheltered from that? Why should I be different from anyone else?
My sister is the type of person that feels like she has figured life out. We look at and respond to life very differently. She is 13 years older than me so she does have a lot to share. But honestly she got pregnant as a teen, had an abortion, and then got pregnant right out of college and married her babies father. I've gotten all the way to graduate school without once getting pregnant and not getting married, so I really feel like we've lived our lives differently. She has acknowledged that I am smarter than she was at my age.
She regrets alot of her life. It's difficult for her to get passed her past. I've always been resilient. If I go through something or make a mistake, I get over it and move on, learn what I can. By the next year I might remember what happen but I don't let it cause me anguish. My sister does. She still hasn't gotten over the fact that our dad disciplined us with switches and belts and sometimes we got in trouble for things we didn't even do. Our dad wouldn't give us a chance to explain why we did the wrong thing. It didn't matter to him. My brother and I turned out fine cause we just got over it. We know that pratically everyone shares the same story and that it has benefited us in some way. My dad kept the house in order and kept us out of major trouble. My sister never got over that and she has chosen to raise her kids differently. I don't know how much her approach to life has helped. Honestly I don't think it's helped her at all. Two of her children are on psychotropic drugs and I really get the sense that she is the antagonist of the family.
Anyway, Flow and I were talking last night. I told him about my sister. She was making me second guess my feelings. He said I can't be coached through life and I have to make my own decisions and experience life and learn on my own. He told me to take time to think about how I really feel and what I really want. We hung up and I laid in the bed thinking I don't need time to think about it. I know how I feel and I know what I want. I try to tell my sister to let me live, but she doesn't listen. But ultimately I must do what I want and what I feel is right. So I called Flow back and I told him this. And he was glad to hear that. He sang me this Tony Toni Tone song "whatever you want". He asked how I knew I loved him. I told him cause it feels right. Everything is falling into place and it feels right with the universe. I know he'll take care of me, protect me, and keep me happy. He doesn't have to say it. I feel it. I feel like I'm exactly the woman he needs and that I would fit his lifestyle quite well. He wants to marry me. We have things to discuss before that happens, but I know that's where we're headed. I'm happy. Things are very good with us.

That's gonna be my man

2007-11-02T17:59:00.000-04:00

I went to see Flow in his home town yesterday. I semi-surprised him. He told me I should come that night and I showed up in the morning. I met him at the hotel and we played around for a couple of hours. He left and told me he would come back later that night after he finished working on a couple of home imporvement projects. Well the hours went by and he still hadn't showed up at 11:45 pm. I was getting mad and decided to go to sleep, but couldn't. I started to cry. I was angry with him. Then my phone rang. It was him. He asked me to come out to the house he was working on.

I drove out to see him. He introduced me to his workers. He let me follow him around while he directed things and put in laminate floors. I thought it was so neat. I even helped him a bit. He worked until 3 am. I feel bad becuase I left with out saying goodbye to him. I thought he was going to come to the hotel. But he never came out and he didn't call. I was so happy that he invited me to see him work, that I didn't get too mad at him for that. He and I were both tired and needed our sleep.

Flow has the prettiest eyes. They are greenish gray and fun to stare into deeply. He's so gentle with his kisses and his touches. I am really feeling him.

I was talking to Radio today. I told him my sister has "psychosocial" issues. He laughed. I think he just had no idea what I meant. He was like "No one has ever used that word before. I'm learning from you. I love to learn new things, whether its words or definitions or technology." I just thought "wow" He didn't even ask what the issues were. We couldn't even get into that cause he couldn't get pass the "new" word.

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

2007-10-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

So when I met Flow, I guessed his age to be around 41 based on how he talked.

I got a clue and looked up his criminal record. He said he had never been to jail, but I thought I'd look it up anyway. Well it's true. He has never been to jail, but he has had four misdemeanor charges: a couple of DWIs, possession of cannibis, and damage to property. Not too bad I guess, especially since the latest one, possession of marijuana, was over 8 years ago. But that is not the most shocking info anyway.

See he told me he was 30, even though I told him I thought he was about 41. He explained to me that he was just wise for his age. I told him it didn't matter if he was 50, cause he was cute and young looking.

So I look at this criminal record of this guy with the same name and the same birthday, but different birth year and realize he's exactly the age that I guessed.

I had a special talk with him today about how important it is for him to be honest with me and open up to me about himself and his life. We shared some things with each other. So I feel like he'll be more honest with me from now on.

Took a love test

2007-10-25T20:06:00.000-04:00

These are the results:

1. The road represents your attitude towards falling in love.
You chose the short road. You fall in love quickly and easily.

2. The number of red roses represents how much you give in a relationship, while the number of white represents what you expect in return.
You give 100% and expect 0% in return.

3. This question represents your attitude towards handling relationship problems.
You asked the family member to get your significant other. You like to avoid problems and hope that they will solve themselves.

4. The placement of the roses determines how much you like seeing your boy/girlfriend.
You place the roses on the bed. You like to see him/her a lot.

5. This represents your attitude towards his/her personality.
You prefer the person to be asleep, you love the person as the way s/he is.

6. The road to home tells how long you stay in love with someone.
You chose the longer road. You will tend to stay in love for a long time.

It's okay to love

2007-10-25T17:32:00.000-04:00

My "big brother" from college is my friend on Myspace. I used to like him alot. He would always give me this wonderful hugs, where he would just envelope my whole body and rub my back down. They would make me melt. But he always saw me as a little sister, so we never went further than hugs. Well I visited him this summer with a couple of friends and he hugged me like he used to. I couldn't help but feel like I should kiss him afterward, but I had to remind myself that's how he hugs and it doesn't mean anything. Then he told me he would take me out to dinner one day. Anyway, today he posted a bulletin on myspace about love. It basically said don't be afraid to love, you will put your heart on the line and you might even get hurt, but to love is to live.

Flow finally stopped being MIA. I called him yesterday and he called me back almost immediately. He was like I told you I would call you when I got back to NC. I was like I didn't hear that. He said he missed me and wanted to see me, but I'm busy with class, so he said maybe this weekend. Doubt it! But anyway, today I called him. We talked briefly. He called me back later and said "I don't want you to commit to me until you love me and you are in love with me. You are far from that." I asked him by "far" did he mean time or quality. He said he hadn't analyzed it that much. I was like oh okay.

Sug didn't come over yesterday. He was busy in court and couldn't get away. I really didn't want to see him either. And I don't want to see him next week, though I kinda told him I would. Even though Flow doesn't want me to commit 'til I fall in love, I am starting to commit. I am slowly purging the other men out of my life to make way for him. He is getting to my heart. I am scared though. I don't want to get my heart broken. I fear that above many things. I think about my "big brother's" bulletin on Myspace and it makes me rethink it all. If I let go and love, I will not regret it because I lived.

....

2007-10-24T00:39:00.000-04:00

I haven't written because nothing much is going on and I've been a little depressed.

Flow dissappeared again. I'm not going to call him anymore. If he wants me to be apart of his life he'll find a way to keep me around. I called his phone, it goes straight to voicemail and then says he can't receive messages. I'm tired of trying with him. If he can't keep it together, I don't know what to say.

Radio tried to dissappear. He said so much is going on in his life, he just needed time to chill out. A friend of his was found dead in her home. He doesn't agree with the way his dad is running his home. He said this is why he doesn't want to be in a relationship, because he's got so many issues and stuff going on. I feel bad for him.

I talked to Curve. We are friends again now. Yea!!! He gave me advise about Flow, but I didn't take it. I should have though, I'd feel better right now. He told me I should write in my journal about myself and how I feel, so I can figure out why I operate the way I do.

Sug is coming over tomorrow. I need money and someone to make me feel better.

I think the progesterone in the mini pill is making me sad. If things get better and I still feel this way, I'll know it's the pill. I'm hoping once Flow get's it together and Sug gives me some other stuff I need, I'll be happy and cheerful again.

Stranger things have happened part II

2007-10-17T07:48:00.000-04:00

This morning I started waking up, but I was still dreaming. Suddenly I heard my name called out. It was Flow, he wasn't there and he wasn't in my dream. It was just his voice. I woke up and I knew that I would talk to Flow that day. I got up and started writing in my journal. I wrote "He will call". Less than a minute later my phone rang. I knew who it was. I ran. It was his area code. I answered, "Hello?!" He said my name, just as he had said it earlier that morning. His phones were stolen.

I love him. That's it. This is the man for me. We are officially spiritually connected. I'm serious. I'm marrying this guy.

I have decided to tell him about his Sugar Daddiness. I've been hiding it from him, but I think he knows. I think if I tell him about it, he will start to show more of it. Maybe.

I should be revising my paper to turn in at 2 today, but I just want to think about Flow. I love him.

Stranger things have happened

2007-10-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

So I haven't talked to Flow since Thursday. Friday I called and his voicemail box was full. I called Saturday and I got an invalid number message. I called his other number and I got a temporarily out of service message. I called from my other phone and got the same messages, so I know he didn't block my number. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was going to get an Atlanta number, but you'd think he would call and give me the new number. So I'm wondering if he's trying to drop me again or if he just forgot to tell me or what. I'll find out in the coming days.

This is so ridiculous. I'm not happy.

Life is changing

2007-10-12T21:36:00.000-04:00

I went to Planned Parenthood today to get some birth control pills. I was very anxious about it and my blood pressure was up as a result. The doctor was concerned about it, I told her I was nervous, but of course she has to tell me that I could be developing hypertension. I was anxious because I've never talked to anyone about birth control before. Infact I vowed never to go on the pill because my mom and sister both had problems having kids and reproductive issues and both used hormonal birth control methods. I always felt that by leaving my reproductive/endocrine system alone, I was avoiding what seemed to be my fate. But now I'm like, I'm having sex and I'm getting older, I gotta take responsibility. I had been wanting to for a while. Curve told me I should and now Flow. And since me and Flow are probably going to be together for a while, it's what I have to do.

Life has changed. I thought I'd be married and starting a family by now. I had done everything I could, short of selling myself short, to make sure of it. But it didn't happen. So now I have to stop dreaming and live my life the way it actually is, not the way I wish it was. Reality. While I was waiting forever in the lobby of Planned parenthood, I read an article in National Geographic Traveler about a wedding ceremony in India. It was an arranged marriage, like many of the marriages there and I wrote down a quote from the article. The aunt of the bride turned to the reporter during the ceremony and whispered "Everyone you see here had an arranged marriage, including me. And I love my husband to death. This is our culture, and it works - because everyone in the family wants these marriages to succeed" The bride and groom walked around a fire and the bride stated, "I was under my mommy and daddy's protection all this time." Then the groom replied, "Now you are under my protection." The bride reminded me of my self. She became excited imagining what the courtship would be like leading up to the marriage, but she was dissapointed when she hadn't heard from him or received any flowers from him. So she sent him flowers to give him a hint. He told her he was very busy with his school work and would make it up to her when it was over. Well he did send her flowers a week before their wedding celebration. But all turned out well. She was very sad to leave her family,but she was happy to be moving on with her new husband. The author said at the end of the article, "Love is behind, love is ahead." Such beautiful words and such a beautiful cultural experience. It's so important to have the support of the family. I think we lose that when we go out on our own and find a mate. We do it backwards. We met someone, get to know them forever, then the families meet, then the wedding, and then we want our families to stay out of it. But it is true that marriages would probably work better if the whole family was encouraging to the couple, no matter what.

I went to Flow's home town to see him again. He sold his house there and came from Atlanta to close and wanted to see me. We got a hotel room. It had large mirrors across one wall and we enjoyed watching our lovemaking. No simultaneous orgasms this time, but I let him come inside me, since my cycles starting soon, hopefully. I found out he has a BA in Business with a minor in Accounting. And he is divorced. He asked me if I wanted him to move near me and keep an eye on me. I was like there's no houses near me. He was like I'll get an apartment. He had asked me earlier if I ever lived with a man. I told him no. He also asked how long I had ever vacationed with a man. I told him 2 days. I don't know why he's asking all this stuff. I guess he's thinking about living together. I've never even entertained that thought in previous relationships. My ex lived with his dad and little brother and the one before that with his gay best friend and the ones before that lived with their parents. Wow, this is my first time dating a man. I guess that is what happens when you become a woman.

While I was in Flows home town, once again men were staring at me. After he left the hotel to go back to Atlanta, I went to Taco Bell (my favorite). The hotel clerk was on the phone and when he saw me, he told the person on the line "Man I wish you could see this beautiful lady walking past me right now." He jumped out of his chair and looked me up and down till he got to my feet. "Oooo and she got some pretty feet. Ooooo!" It was so funny, this dude was like 50 years old. I was thinking "If you could see, would would notice they aren't that pretty. It's the shimmery pink polish" Then in the parking lot a guy was walking by and caught my eye. We greeted each other. "You got a pretty smile." I thanked him. "What's your name?" I contemplated telling him my real name or not. But I figured I never see him again so I told him. He told me his. "Are you taken?" Thought technically I'm not, I said yes. I didn't feel anything like I did with Flow, nothing pulling at me. Besides if Flow and I are going to be exclusive I need to cut my men down.

I'm really trying to figure out how I'm going to let Radio go. We can still be friends, but I think he's going to be hurt. I convinced him not to come down this month, but I'm sure he didn't want to come anyway for whatever reason, money probably. He can be so dumb sometimes. I was watching "Chelsea Lately" on E! and I told him the Kardashians were on and he should turn to it. He did. After that went off an entertainment news show came one and reported something about Justin Timberlake. I commented on it and he said "Oh you're watching E! too." I was like you fool, I'm the one who told you to turn to E! of course I'm watching it. I don't get him. I think he really is slow. And he makes up shit for no reason. I still don't believe he has a brother that has been going in and out of comas for 7 years. The latest news: the doctors want to pull the plug, but his dad doesn't. He just doesn't seem distraught enough. I mean if my brother was about to die, I wouldn't be too cheerful. I mean he talks about it as if he's not really apart of it. Maybe it's a half brother. I don't know and I don't care anymore. I feel bad though.

Sug hasn't called.

Curve called last friday and left a message that I didn't listen to until yesterday. I called him today. He answered but then commenced to have a conversation with an imaginary person. He was like "I'm playing video games. How did today go? Oh, good. Well I'm gonna have to call you later. Okay. Bye." I sat silent on the phone. I hate that. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that with Flow, however his son did answer the phone once and apparently someone snatched it from him and hung up on me. It's good that Curve and I aren't talking. I mean he left just in time for me to meet Flow. It's like he had a cue and took it. I like when life works out like that. Now if Radio could get a cue or a clue!

Thrown for a loop

2007-10-09T22:15:00.000-04:00

Flow said to me last night, "I sense some doubt from you." I don't even remember what we were talking about. But I responded, "Yeah I do have some doubts." He immediately went off. "That's something you can't change. That's something I won't deal with. If that is how you really feel about me then I guess this is it. It was nice knowing you." And with that he hung up. I was pissed. He didn't even ask me what I meant. I was talking about believing that this guy really likes me for me and wants me to fall in love with him. Doubts about being in a relationship this soon. Doubts that he hasn't lied to me about something.

I called him back. He answered after the second time. "Are you kidding me?" I couldn't believe him. I felt like he was trying to find an easy out. He was done with me and didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, now that he got what he wanted. I was pissed with him. I explained to him what I meant. He told me that his past girl had trust issues and he didn't want to deal with that with us. He cited when I asked to see his license or said he might be a serial killer. I explained to him that I was a single black women living on my own and I have to be careful. He seemed to understand. I told him I thought he was trying to break my heart. He said, "The only way you get your heart broken is if you are in love. How do you feel about me?" This was so weird, cause just a few minutes before he was ready to end all communication with me, but suddenly he wanted to know if I loved him. I told him I cared about him alot. I said it takes time to build love and I want to get to know him more. He's special. I feel like he put a spell on me cause I shouldn't have feelings like this, at this point. He said, "i'm original. I'm not like anybody else. As long as things are going good I'm fine. But as soon as this is a headache, I'm done. I don't like drama." I told him I don't like drama either. I felt like he was trying to flip things. So I said, "If you really feel like I'm full of drama or either need to get to know me better or you just feel that way and your wrong." He responded, "Well I guess I'll just have to get to know you."

He definitely tried to flip things on me. I think I salvaged myself at the end, by forcing him to take some of the responsibility. He wants my trust bad and I don't know why. This was a desperate atempt to get it. It makes me more weary of him. I mean he could be a desperate romantic or anxious to get me to a point were he can manipulate me easier. Part of me says either way I don't need to be with him. But another part says, he's human. He's afraid of getting hurt too. He's just a little more vocal about it and not willing to comprimise for happiness.

I don't know what to do.

My Ex

2007-10-07T22:06:00.000-04:00

My ex called me on Friday Night. Not the most recent one, but the one from 4 years ago. It was quite out of the blue and unexpected. It's really my cousin's fault. I mean kinda mine and hers. This summer, I put his number in my phone so that we could prank call him on one of our late nights out, a ritual for us. Well she was getting his number out of my phone and accidently pressed the send button. He called me everyday 2 or more times a day after that trying to find out why I called in the middle of the night. I explained to him that it was an accident and I didn't want to talk to him. I hate him. He was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. He disgusts me. I hate him. He told me not to call him anymore cause he was married. I was like obviously you are the one who's ringing my phone off the hook, but it's not a problem. So I thought that was it. But here he was on Friday calling me again.

He just wanted to tell me that he missed me and loved me and that his marriage was going bad. He then went on to tell me that it was my fault that he got married, that it was my fault that our relationship fell apart, and that I knew we should still be together. He was serious. This is exactly what I hate about him. He blamed me for everything. When he was talking I was filled with so much anger and hatred. I just wanted him to shut up and leave me alone. But I was nice. He's got to be crazy to think that I would seriously still love him. I even told him when we were together that if we got married I would kill him. I was serious. I wasn't going to let him abuse me for life. I don't get him. Actually I do. He has borderline personality disorder. Really. Fear of abandoment, unstable relationships, unstable emotions, impulsive, paranoid, demanding. He needs help, but its impossible to tell him that. I tried while we were together but he didn't get it. I hate him.

I don't like hating someone. When I say I hate men, I am not serious. But when I say I hate this guy it's from deep in my sould. It's real. I hate him. I despise him. And if we did get married and he continued his abusive behavior, I would kill him without a second thought and gladly serve my sentence or accept the death penalty.

Okay now on to better things. I still like Flow. Things are great with him, for the most part. He's just so busy all the time. He has so much going on, but it's a good thing. He says he loves money, which is a weird thing to say to a potential mate. I mean it's fine to appreciate money and work hard so you can have money to do fun things, but to love money is kinda bad. Honestly there are a lot of things about Flow that I wouldn't necessarily go for. He smokes black n' milds, he drinks beer, he smokes marijuana (even though he denies it, I can tell), he owns a gun, he doesn't go to church. These are all reasons I would not have given him the time of day several years ago. But now it doesn't matter so much to me. I don't know wether that's good or bad. I think it will turn out fine.

I've been researching the Virgo-Virgo match, since Flow and I are both Virgos, another reason why I wouldn't have dated him in the past. Not the best match but we could make it work. I'm scared. I fear rejection. He's very different from me. I think we both kind of idealize each other, but at the same time really like the real person in us. I want this to work. I think it will be a good relationship for me and teach me alot about life and myself.

I think I heart my sugar daddy

2007-10-04T14:38:00.000-04:00

Sug texted me last night. Told me he missed me, wanted me, etc. So I told him he could come over today and he did. We had sex. He gave me my allowance. What more can I say? I did it cause I was a little upset with Flow. He didn't call me back last night. The funny thing is that when I called him today to talk to him Sug knocked on the door and I had to hang up. Flow told me he didn't call back cause he went out to a club to talk to someone about opening up his own club. I think it's awesome how he actually makes these things happen. I'll be interested to see if he really does open up a club in ATL. Anyway, I don't feel too bad about sleeping with Sug. I mean I really did want to move on. But I am not committed to Flow and he's not committed to me. So in the mean time I can do what I want.

Tryna move on, but can't

2007-10-03T21:20:00.000-04:00

Sug called me. He had just gotten off his plane. I know he wanted some, but he didn't say. He acted like he was just checking up on me. I couldn't do it though. If I'm gonna be with Flow, then I want to be with Flow only. But now I'm having second thoughts. I tried to call Flow and he has his phone off. He's not obligated to me I know, but I can't help but wonder if he's fucking somebody else. I can't help it. I don't know much about him and that doesn't help with trust. I actually don't believe much of what he says. I can't help it. I believe most men are liars. My last boyfriend was the only one that didn't lie to me.

Men lie about stupid things too. My ex from 5 years ago got me a pleather coat for my birthday. He put it in a bag from my favorite store and tried to convince me that it was from that store. The tags didn't even match. The coat was too small and I told him I would have to take it back. I asked if they would take the coat at that store. He said yes. Why would you lie like that? To the point where you would even let somebody be emabarassed.

I'm on my hate men trip again. I hate men.

The Greatest Sex

2007-10-02T10:17:00.000-04:00

Well, Flow stood me up on Saturday again. I couldn't get a hold of him until Sunday morning. He said he had left his phone at the job site and the place was locked over night. He coulda been lieing, but I don't care. Since he was talking to me Sunday I decided to send him some pictures on his cell. The first couple were demure. I had on a baby teeshirt and boyshorts. I thought they were cute and sexy. He said that I coulda been more creative. He was challenging me. "Get closer to the camera, get naked." I wasn't sure if I wanted to go that far. "If you send me those pictures, I'm liable to come down there tomorrow and see you." "Yeah right.", I couldn't believe him after all the times he's stood me up. I asked him to send me a pick to get me motivated. He sent me a picture of his cute face standing in someone's yard. So I sent him a couple of new photos in a red g-string. He liked those alot. He wanted more. I sent two more, but he said those were too dark and he wanted some more. I told him no, cause he shouldn't have stood me up on Saturday. He can take some of his on when he comes to see me. I asked when he could come to see me again. He said he needed to finish a few more projects, "I got to make money. Once I make more money I can relax and take a vacation." I couldn't help but think that would be weeks from now. I wanted to see him sooner.

Monday morning he called me, "When do you have class today?" "2 o'clock", I told him. "If you didn't have class I'd asked you to come down here and I'd put you in a hotel." "I have to go to class." "Okay, well I gotta go to Home Depot. I'll call you back in a few minutes."

I thought about it. I wasn't really prepared for class and I had sprained my ankle Saturday night, so I technically shouldn't be walking around campus. I would skip and go see Flow. I tried to call him back to let him know what I decided. He didn't answer. I left a message saying, "I might take him up on his offer." I took my shower and packed my homework and an overnight bag. I put on a sexy sleeveless sky blue wrap shirt over a dark blue tank with fitted blue jeans. I looked fly and 2 hours later the men in Flow's home town let me know it. On my way there I called him but again he didn't answer. I decided that when I got there I would stop at a gas station and call him from a pay phone. While I was at the payphone a guy was staring at me from the passenger side of a van. He was very cute and he couldn't take his eyes off me from one corner to the next. I dialed Flow's number. Of course he answered almost immediately. I figured he would think it was a potential client. HAHAHA! I got him. He was so surprised. He couldn't believe I was calling from a local number. "I thought you had class", he said. Another man in an SUV honked and waved. I smiled. "You said if I didn't have class I could come down, didn't you?" "Yeah, I did. Where are you?" I told him where I was. "Okay I know where that is. I'm coming to pick you up and take you to the hotel." Yes! I'd got him. He was gonna be all mine. heehee.

I was so proud of myself. I don't know why. I mean I went for what I wanted. I took a chance. I figured wether he answered the phone or not he would have to see me at some point. If he didn't answer and I told him later that I went all that way to see him, he would have to make it up to me. But part of me knew that I was going to see him and that payphone trick did it. I hate to have had to trick him like that, but otherwise he wouldn't have answered.

When he came to pick me up he looked over at me from his van, "I can't believe you skipped class." "Are you disappointed?" "No, I just can't believe it." I followed his van to the hotel. He took me in and payed cash for my room. I like a man that pays with cash. I don't know why. It's just so raw to me, so thug. Don't leave behind a trail. Turns me on.

He carried my stuff in and gave me a kiss, "I'm gonna go back up there and work for about another 1 1/2 hour. Then I'll be back to see you. Is that okay?" "Yes" He kissed me again.

About 2 hours later he came back, all freshened up and looking good. We had sex and it was the greatest sex I've ever had. It was just amazing. I felt him in my heart and my soul. It was beautiful. So wonderful that I had a true orgasm (true cause I never experienced one like it before) while fucking him. The emotion was just overwhelming. I felt like the chemistry was perfect. The way he was touching me, everything was perfect. It was so good, I wanted to cry. I told him that it was the best sex I ever had. He couldn't stay the whole night. He had to go to Atlanta to work on a house. He told me it would take about 2 days and he was getting 2400 for it. We took a shower together. I washed his back and rinsed him off. He loved it. I loved it too. Taking care of my man in the shower. He left after that, kissing me and telling me to call him.

We talked this morning. When I first talked to him, he was short with me telling me he was working and that the job was going to take the whole week. I was just like okay. He said he would call me later. I said okay. I was dissappointed I felt like he could have said more. He called back a few minutes later. "Thank you for coming to see me yesterday. Did you mean what you said about it being the best?" "Yes." "You wanna lock me down?" "Yeah" "Why do you like me? Don't sugar coat it." I told him why. "Okay, I'ma get you to sing for me later."

There is something about Flow. From the moment I met him something drew me toward him. Something deeper than either of us realized at that time. We only felt the tug pulling us together. I guess that is what I felt yesterday when I drove to see him. I have a feeling he'll take care of me and make me feel special. I like that he works hard for his money. I like that he's always doing something. His life seems exciting and I'd love to be apart of it. He feels good to me. We fit together well physically and mentally. We complement each other. Last night was magic.

I called Sug yesterday. He was talking about sucking dick and eating pussy. I really wasn't feeling it. I just wanted to see how close he and his wife were to getting together. I questioned him about several things he was saying. About how he and his wife sleep in seperate rooms but she found the emails between us and was furious with him. If I was his wife and I was sleeping in a separate room from my husband, I would almost be assured that he was sleeping with another woman and I wouldn't be surprised if I found out it was true. It's ridiculous that he expects me to believe the shit that is coming out of his mouth. Does he even think about wether what he is saying is logical? i'm not an idiot.

Radio called me to tell me that his brother was in a coma. He gets a new brother every month. I don't know what to think about him. One brother has cancer, one crashed his car, one is cute like TI, one is in a coma. I don't get it. Anyway, I guess I should believe him and feel sorry, but it's hard. I feel bad for him, because if things work out with Flow, I can't have him here later this month. I have a feeling he's gonna pull out of that anyway and maybe this brother in a coma story will lead to that. I know what, his funeral will be the weekend he was supposed to come. I already told him that he should probably postpone the trip since he didn't really have the money for it. I don't know why he feels he needs to make up this story. I am so cruel, but really I don't believe him. He also was about to go off on me today. I sent him a message on Sat telling him saying "Put me out of my misery." I had been calling him and I was really bored out of my mind. So I sent that message. He calls me today like, "What's up with you? What is this message about? I been going crazy thinking that you killed yourself or something. All types of things went through my head. I didn't know what was wrong." I was like no this negro ain't about to go off on me about a silly message that I sent 3 days ago. Why would he even take that seriously. If my friend sent me that I would call her and if she didn't answer I'd be like oh she is probably just mad about something. I wouldn't think she killed herself and start worrying what in the world was going on, especially if my brother was in a coma. He can be so simple sometimes. one dimensional, concrete world. Maybe he has asberger's (sp?). I don't know. He just gets weirder and weirder. Is he forest gumping it? I mean if he went to community college, why is he working for the post office and doing janitorial work. Seems like he would have a salaried job. I don't know, though. I'm starting to think he is slow, mildly retarded. The other night He was like "Secondary and Thirdary." I said "Thirdary? You mean Tertiary?" He had no idea what I was talking about. SIMPLE.

Well I'm feeling Flow right now. I think we can make something out of this. I can't wait to here from him tonight or tomorrow.

Tired of Wanting

2007-09-28T14:06:00.000-04:00

I've been in tears during much of my alone time today. Of course I had to suck it up for class, but now that I am home again, it's hard to fight.

Flow is still around, but he has slammed on the breaks and is no longer in Turbo Speed. He says he feels the same about me, but that he also feels sorry for me for what I went through.

I don't want him to stick around out of pity. I am asking alot of him. More than the average man would be able to do. I know that part of him wants to leave me in the dust, I can feel it. If I was a triffling ho and had him fucking me and spending all his money on me, then told him I had HSV or gave him herpes, he would probably jet with out even thinking. But he sees me as this really nice woman that fell into an unfortunate situation and now has to suffer the consequences for the rest of her life. He doesn't want to feel responsible for making things worse. I'm sure part of him does feel a little betrayed by me. I let him say all these things and touch my heart, then I turned around and stabbed him in the heart.

Last night I talked to him and he was cleaning his garage and drinking beer and part of me felt like he was trying to take his mind off things. Cause who just starts cleaning out their garage in the evening after working all day. No one, unless they are having a little hypomanic episode triggered by emotional stress. I'm having a little depressive episode. I guess we handle things differently. He asked me lots of questions last night about how everything developed and then he said the silliest thing. He told me he associates herpes with white people. I bet he doesn't like white people too much, which can translate into him attaching those feelings to me. I don't want him to hate me, but I also don't need his pitty. I'll find someone, although I am definitely feeling like I missed my chance here. But you know what, if it's meant to be it will be and if it's not meant to be, then it was never gonna happen in the first place.

He was supposed to come visit me tomorrow. He had been telling me all week that he was coming. I will see what he's saying tonight. I'm pretty sure he's changed his mind. In which case, I won't deal with him anymore. I will know if the feelings he had been professing are real. If he comes then he probably really likes me and wants to see if he can be around me without thinking, "Man she has herpes." every 5 minutes. If he doesn't come then I know he never really liked me. It's just that simple. No gray areas for me. None of this well he might have liked you but now he doesn't. It's either he always did or never did. Black or white. Maybe that's a borderline personality trait, but its a defense mechanism that works for me. That way I don't have to sit around wondering what did I do wrong and how could I have changed it. Just blame it all on fate or the other person. LOL!

Yep I am depressed. I have this feeling of doom. I feel like a series of unfortunate events is about to happen. I was doing good all summer, but fall is here and it has brought gloom. I so badly want this to turn out good, but...I dont think it's possible and I am usually right about these things.

I forgot to write yesterday about Sug. I met him at 6am near the airport to collect some money. He didn't give me what I asked for, but that's fine. He tried to get me to get in the back of his truck to get some head or nipple action I suppose. I refused. Then he tried to feel me up in the parking lot. I asked, "Don't you want to try to make things right with your wife?" He said, "Yes, but I'm really horny right now." I just thought to myself, "what a pitiful guy." I wanted to roll my eyes. You either want me or you don't.

I really don't want to deal with him anymore. I need an honest man in my life. Everyman I've met since my ex has lied to me. Flow lied about smoking, when I could clearly smell it on him that night. I guess he thought it was covered up, but I have a sensitive nose and I am allergic to ciggy smoke to the point where I get nauseous. He told me he quit. Then I asked him recently when he quit smoking, he hesitated and I was like, "Let me restate that. How much do you smoke a week?" He was able to answer that question. If Flow had told me that he smoked, he probably thought I might have said, "Well I don't like smokers so I'm not boing to have sex with you." I don't know. I guess people lie so they don't have to suffer consequences or to give people the impression they want. I've lied for those reasons. I lie to my parents for those reason, or at least don't tell them stuff for that reason. Makes things go a whole lot smoother and you never have to worry that the truth will come back to haunt you. People have a funny way of throwing stuff back in your face. You open up to them and then later they say remember what you told me and it's like "I don't want to be reminded. Thanks." Sometimes they do it to hurt you, sometimes just to be funny, sometimes to trap you and make an example out of you.

Radio is a liar too. He slept with my cousin before me. I asked him about it and he said nothing happened between them. My cousin had no reason to make it up, so of course I believe her. But he has ever reason to lie. If he said "yes I slept with your cousin", I might have said "well don't think you're going to sleep with me." I let him get away with it though, cause I liked him and she didn't want to have anything to do with him. Overall he's a nice guy and he means well, so why make him suffer the consequences of lieing. He'll continue to lie in the future. Nothing I can do to change it. It's just human nature.

In a way, lieing is a benefit to both parties. Like in the situation of infidelity. If I love my husband I want to stay with him. I want to put all my trust in him. I want others to see what a loving and faithful marriage we have. If he cheats on me, do I really want him to tell me. First of all our picture of a close to perfect marriage would be ruined. If I want to stay with him I have to go through life pretending that I felt the same about him. I would no longer trust him and the relationship would just fall apart. Where as if he lied and covered things up, I would be none the wiser and I could continue loving him and no one would no the difference. I wouldn't have to suffer for his behavior. We'd remain happy.

Maybe I should have continued covering things up with Flow. No, no! I did the right thing. No use dragging things out. I hope he comes tomorrow. I really do. I pray he comes tomorrow. God please let him come tomorrow! Please!

Feeling a little Better

2007-09-24T17:18:00.001-04:00

I like Flow. I called him last night and some dude answered his phone saying Flow was asleep. I was put off by that. I was angry at first, because part of me wanted to think that he was avoiding me. He was supposed to call me after he finished his job, but he didn't and now his friend was telling me he was asleep. I just wanted to believe that he was trying to drop me in a really imature way. But this morning I called and he seemed happy to hear from me and told me to call him when I had a break during the day and I did. Tonight I'll wait for him to call me though. His offer is still on the table and he said I could take my time to think about it and that there was no rush. That's so nice. I kinda want to take my time to decide what I'll do about Radio.

Sug is no longer a problem. I wrote him an email about how he's been treating me unfairly. He wrote back saying he would continue to help me out, but that we couldn't be intimate because he and his wife are getting back together. He failed to tell me before that they were separated, but I kinda figured that anyway. He'd better continue to help me, he's made me so miserable and he is clearly a liar. But I have a feeling he is gonna do all he can to keep from giving me anything. I'm just gonna guilt trip him to death. It worked with Curve.

This summer when I went back to my home town for the summer, Curve kept begging to see me. He would say let's meet for dinner this day and let's go to the movies this night. He'd call me on the scheduled day and say "I'm going home to get ready. I'll call you when I'm done." I would go out to his city which was about 30 minutes away just so I'd be around when he would call and he wouldn't have to wait forever to meet me. I'd be out there forever and ever. He would leave his phone in the car, so his wife couldn't check it and therefore he wouldn't answer when I would call. And I would end up going back home. This happened twice and the last time I left him a nasty message about how he's treated me all these years and never given me anything, about how I never denied him unless I had a man and sometimes I'd see him even if I had a man. I just went off. He felt so bad. He told me he would make it up to me and start treating me better. He let me come to his house one night, when his wife was out of town with the kids. We had sex on the beautiful canopy bed in his guest room. He's such an amazing lover. I wish it wasn't so rushed that time, but I had brought a friend over just in case the neighbors were watching, and we didn't want to keep her waiting. She didn't care though. But anyway Curve really loves sex. All men love sex, but he loves the art of lovemaking. He's got every stroke down to a science and it's like he can feel a woman's body giving feedback to his and he responds back with a coinciding change in pace or rhythm or position. It's just awesome. We did it another night in my car. He told his wife he was going out to get condoms and K-Y for them, but we used it for us. That was the last time and the final time I hope. He's still mad at me. I thought more about why. After making him feel guilty about the way he treated me he started giving me money. $100 dollars at a time. He only did this a few times, but he told me he didn't mind helping me because he felt like he owed me. Which he does, for all the years I got second rate treatment. He took me out to dinner once in undergrad. One time. We called each other soulmates, but he only took me out once and never bought me a gift. But anyway, I suppose he is upset that I got this money out of him and made him feel bad, like I was playing him or using him. I was in a way, but I really did feel like he owed me and clearly he felt the same, so...I don't know.

Radio didn't call me last night. I called him twice. He didn't answer. He has some nasty habits though. Drinking and gambling. He plays cards and bets on games and plays the lotto. His excuse is that he's not hurting anybody and he's not doing worse things like killing and robbing. Wooo! I don't like that and if we were seriously dating I wouldn't allow it. But this is just for fun, so he can do what he wants.

Well I miss Flow. I wish I could see him sooner than later. I have 3 image of his face burned in my head. One, when he was in his van looking me up and down and licking his lips. Two, when he was on top of me and his face looked like it was going to burst with pleasure. And Three, after he got out of my car and he looked back at me with a boyish grin and waved. The last is my favorite. I just want to see his beautiful face again.

Grim

2007-09-23T19:12:00.000-04:00

I hate men today. All of them. From the classmate, who is too aloof to even ask me out to Flow, who is putting wood floors in a house instead of sitting next to me to Sug who I don't even have to say anything about. Men are the worst. Sorry.

I guess I should be happy that Flow is being professional and not sitting in someones home on the cell phone while he's working or dropping a job to see me. I should be happy he even has a job.

I was watching HipHop Wives on E! and I started thinking about my ex. One of my pet peeves about him is that he was always strapped for cash. It was a big deal to even go out to eat, cause he rarely ever had money. I never complained. I wasn't with him because of money. He was in school, like me. But he would go out and buy stuff like water shoes or DVDs or CD's of bad music no one has heard of. That bothered me. And he had this all or none attitude. He couldn't take me on a trip and ask me to marry him, so he just asked me in my parents living room while we were watching Jay Leno. No kneeling, no ring, no romantic speech, just, "Marry me, I'm serious." The fact that he had to say "I'm serious" tells you how much of a joke it was. I said yes, but I really wanted to say "Are you kidding me? No you gotta be kidding me?" We were engaged for like half of our relationship, maybe more. But he didn't have money and neither did I and quite frankly we probably weren't meant to get married anyway. I had set a date of July 7 2007, but we broke up before that. He also could never settle on any one thing to do. Since 21 he had changed his career goals so many times. I had to think about this when I was deciding to break up with him. Why couldn't he stay focused? He would send me emails about hotel management jobs in China. What the hell? Let's try being a hotel clerk in America first, then maybe manager in China. Even after I talked to him about it, it didn't get much better. It would frustrate me and I had to get out of there.

Flow is focused. He has money. He's really fine. He's really nice. We have some superficial things in common. And he supposedly likes me. I'm still not sure about that. Today I was supposed to find out, but I'll have to wait a little longer. Or maybe I have my answer.

I hate men. I hate men!

Stood up again... and maybe again

2007-09-22T17:28:00.001-04:00

You know, I am really tired of my reluctant sug. He stood me up again. He said he had to pick up his son and he wasn't sure if he could see me and get back in time to pick him up. I told him family comes first. But the fact is, he shouldn't have been running away from me all this time. So I'm thinking about just letting him go. I have another reason to let him go. Flow!

Yesterday, he asked me about joining his team, ie starting a relationship. He's moving pretty fast with this. I mean I was looking at him as this really hot guy that just wanted to have sex with me, cause maybe I look easy. But now he's telling me that he thinks I'm special and singing songs to me and talking about feeling something for me and fate. It's so strange. I haven't gone there with a guy in over 4 years. So it's difficult for me to even begin to look at him that way. I have forgotten what I look for in a good man. I have forgotten what it feels like when you start to fall in love. I don't remember what I want in a relationship. I have forgotten everything. I just know that at this point, I don't know enough about him to say I definitely want to be his girl. I know that he's absolutely gorgeous. I know that he is moving faster than I am comfortable with. I know that he is a go getter. I do remember that the last time I hurried into a relationship I ended up with an abusive guy. So what to do? What to do? I could go out on a limb and dive in head first. Put my heart out there and be vulnerable. Allow life to teach me another lesson, maybe one that I should have learned already. I don't know.

But what about Radio. Where does that leave him? I mean he's not chop liver to me. He has been kinda getting on my nerves lately, though. But people do that sometimes. I got kinky twist put in my hair today. I told him and he was dissapointed that I had hair added. I explained that I did it because I'm gonna start working out regularly again and it makes it easier to keep my hair looking nice. But he went on this rant about how one day a woman will have short hair and then come out with long hair the next. I feel like this is such an ignorant point of view, because nowadays women aren't really looked down upon for having a weave. Every where you look women are adding hair. I remember one year most of the black women in my program came back from summer break with much longer fuller hair. My mother adds hair because hers is thinning and breaking as she gets older. I wouldn't where tracks, that is just my preference and I don't want to straighten my hair again, but what others choose is for them. Anyway, Radio made me kinda mad with that. I also get tired of him complaining about his second job. Nobody told him to pick up another job. He wanted to so he would have money for his daughter for Christmas and money to spend when he comes to see me. I told him he should determine how much money he needs and then schedule his hours and days according to that, so he won't burn himself out. He was like, "well I don't want to limit how much I can spend. If I say $300, I'll end up spending $500." I was like "then do $500." Cause I doubt he'll spend more than that, and if he does, so what? Too much stress. But enough to drop him? I mean he's working a second job to come see me next month. I can't just be like "I got a man now." MMMMM? Then again he hasn't made a commitment to me. If anyone should be asking me to be his girl at this time, it is Radio. We've been talking since August and I flew up to see him. Hello!

Flow is supposed to come see me tomorrow. He called to tell me that he was doing a floor for a client and he was going to try to finish it before tomorrow. Doesn't sound good. He better not stand me up. That would make twice in one weekend. A girl can only take so much.

New Daddy?

2007-09-20T18:22:00.000-04:00

Wow. Yesterday, I was going into Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy a mattress pad when a guy in an old van stopped to ask for directions to the grocery store. It was like 1/8 mile away but I didn't know which direction. I pointed around the area and told him it was either there or there. He thanked me and I turned to head into the store. "You have a beautiful smile." I turned back around. "Thank you.", I looked straight into his hazel eyes. He was lighted skined with curly hair. Older looking, yet minimal signs of aging. By looks I would estimate his age to be 31. But listening to his voice and conversation I would estimate 42. He looked me up and down. "What are you doing tonight?" "Studying." "You're in school? Where?" I told him. I stood there waiting. "Well if you weren't studying I'd take you out. I'm from out of town, but I'm doing some work here" "I need to go out. That would be nice." I stood there a while staring, waiting. He sat there a while staring, waiting. Nothing. Something was telling me not to let him drive away and something was telling him not to let me walk away. I decided to break the ice. "Well, let me get your number?" "Is it alright if I get yours?" "Sure." He wrote my number on the cover of a yellow folder. We said goodbye.

He called me later that night and I told him I could meet up with him after midnight. We met in the parking lot of his hotel. Now in glow of the parking lot lights he looked especially good. He looked like Terrence Howard to me, so I will call him Flow (from Hustle 'n Flow). He also looked a little like John Legend from some angles. He was just fine all over. My perfect type pretty much. We talked. He told me about his two houses he owns remodeled. He acted as if he was well off with his 3 cars and recent travels to Vegas and plans to go to Panama and London. He told me he would like someone to travel with him. He wanted to show me the special things in life. He's single, never been in jail, and seemingly a genuinely nice guy. It all really sounded to good to be true. I took everything at face value, knowing that his ultimate goal was to fuck me and he would probably say whatever he thought it would take to get me. At the same time I wanted to believe that he was attracted to me and really wanted to pamper me. I wanted to believe that I had met a sugar daddy without searching online. A sugar daddy spotted me and sensed my natural sugar baby abilities? Maybe...

We got touchy feely in the lot and then I invited him back to my apartment, since he was sharing a room with his business associate. Back at my place he put my bed sheets on while I cleaned up a bit. He took off his clothes and laid down. He then called me to bed. I thought that was so cute. I brushed my teeth and slipped into bed next too him. We began kissing almost immediately and ended up fucking. Flow is very well hung. He ranks number 4 in length and tied with Radio in girth. His performance is slightly better than average, but his a comparitively old guy so I have to give it to him.

I like Flow. He got a little lecturey sometimes, which older guys tend to do. But for the most part the conversation was good. I talked to him when he got back to his home town. I heard kids in the background, but I didn't ask about them. He asked me if he could claim me. I said we would talk about it when he came to see me on Sunday. I'm excited about this. I met a sugar daddy without really trying. Hopefully he is legite. I will find out soon. If he comes Sunday and we just spend the day inside sexing, I'll know he's not serious. But if he takes me out and perhaps buys me a little something and we talk more about his traveling plans, I'll be happy with him. And I can put reluctant Sugar Daddy on ice, so he can chill.

Sugar Daddy has finally started acting like he's interested again. I asked him for money to get my hair done and I think he's planning to come over tomorrow to take care of that. We'll see though. He might start having second thoughts again.

Well, things are looking pretty good.

PS Thanks for your comment Prabir!

I hate him

2007-09-18T21:37:00.000-04:00

My Sug is really making me mad right about now. I talked to him for a total of 10 seconds today. He sounded very sad and said he wasn't doing well and alot was going on in his life. I didn't know what to say. I feel like I should do something. I sent him a text asking if I could do anything, but he never answered. I think he's lying honestly. I think he is making this all up to somehow make me feel like he's getting his punishment for fucking me over and maybe I won't feel resentment toward him or the need to get him back.

I wrote his wife an email. I said I liked her music and asked if she did shows in NC. I really am trying to find out if she actually lives here, because my theory is that she doesn't.

I think Sug found someone else or he doesn't have the funds. Simple as that, sans all the lies. I'm gonna get it out of him and I'm gonna get my money one way or the other.

Come Back To Me

2007-09-17T00:26:00.000-04:00

Sooooo I called Sug on Friday. He didn't answer, but then called right back like "Hello this is Mr. so and so. I received a call from this number. I was like "Did you erase my number from your phone? You don't know who I am anymore?" He said, "But I have an appointment." I didn't know what he was talking about, but I figured he was trying to cover up. I said, "Okay I see you are busy so I'll call later." He mumbled something and then hung up. Why did he call back? I don't know. Maybe he did erase my number, but no he would still recognize it. I believe or he would have just said, "You have the wrong number." So I feel like by making fake conversation he was trying to appease me in some way. Show that he hadn't forgotten about me, but that he was just busy. I miss him. I want him. I'm getting a new bed and I want him to lay next to me in it.

Today I asked Radio about marriage: Did he want to get married one day? Have his views about marriage changed since he was younger? He said he felt like he was being interviewed or interrogated. I was like just answer dude. He said he thought he would marry his baby mama (he has an 11 year old daughter). In most of his relationships he thought the girl was the one, but not so much anymore. He said he has felt bitterness toward some of the women he's dated and it's made him feel different about relationships. He said the way I feel about wanting to be a single mom is probably a result of my recent break up with the guy I thought I would marry. I don't know. Maybe I will change with time. I mean I say I'm okay with the break up. I get over guys pretty quickly, but I think I don't react to break ups like other women. My sister has commented on this in the past. Honestly I think it's because I spend a good amount of time contemplating the break up so that by the time I actually break up with the guy I have come to terms with it. But maybe this getting a sugar daddy and going to see a guy in another state is my way of acting out. I don't know really. All I know is that I am having a good time. It's a little frustrating but I don't mind not having a normal relationship or dating like women my age. I like being different.